Not much support at home?
Kgerber777
Posts: 105 Member
I was just wondering if anyone else seems to have a lack of support from their family, specifically from the significant others. My husband met me when I was very healthy and I got even healthier once we were married. But after a loss in my family I started to let my eating and working out habits go down hill. He has often mentioned that we both need to loose weight and made a few comments here and there about my weight (non of which was said to hurt me but to make sure I realize that I was still getting bigger and doing nothing about it). Yet last night he and I went out to dinner and he laughed at me when I modified the dish I ordered to make it healthier, and asked for a box as soon as I ordered (so I could put half of it away to ensure I would not over eat). this is not the first time something like this has happened and it has me feeling very unsupported.
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Fortunately, support is a luxury, and not necessary to succeed. If all of us single people and people with no family can do it - so can you!
Good luck!!!!!!0 -
Have you talked to him about why you are doing these things specifically? Or that it bothers you when he scoffs at you for making choices that will get you where you want to be?
If he also needs to lose weight, it can be hard for him to deal with the fact that you are actually doing something about it. Don't worry, it would probably be hard for you to deal with the fact that even if he were on board, he would get to eat half again as much and possibly still lose weight faster.
As Yoovie said, you need to stay focused on you. Part of that can be telling him to STFU when you need to (although, if you value your relationship, you should probably find other words).0 -
As long as he is not preventing you from making the changes you feel you need to make, then I would not be worried at all. My husband chuckled at me weighing and logging for a few months, then saw the progress I was making and stopped.
If I were you, I'd just pull a face and let it pass. I'm a firm believer in not expecting anyone else to support you on what is, essentially, a solitary endeavor, which requires a certain amount of selfishness (in a good way...).0 -
concordancia wrote: »Have you talked to him about why you are doing these things specifically? Or that it bothers you when he scoffs at you for making choices that will get you where you want to be?
If he also needs to lose weight, it can be hard for him to deal with the fact that you are actually doing something about it. Don't worry, it would probably be hard for you to deal with the fact that even if he were on board, he would get to eat half again as much and possibly still lose weight faster.
As Yoovie said, you need to stay focused on you. Part of that can be telling him to STFU when you need to (although, if you value your relationship, you should probably find other words).
I have talked to him some and he said that he has seen me try to loose weight before and because it didn't last he does not want to get on board. Your both right it is not necessary to have his support (it would be nice but I am ok without) I just need to keep a good attitude and eventually he will see the results and adjust to my new way of life0 -
I had never thought about it like that before but very true! Thanks for the words of wisdom!dopeysmelly wrote: »I'm a firm believer in not expecting anyone else to support you on what is, essentially, a solitary endeavor, which requires a certain amount of selfishness (in a good way...).
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Kgerber777 wrote: »concordancia wrote: »Have you talked to him about why you are doing these things specifically? Or that it bothers you when he scoffs at you for making choices that will get you where you want to be?
If he also needs to lose weight, it can be hard for him to deal with the fact that you are actually doing something about it. Don't worry, it would probably be hard for you to deal with the fact that even if he were on board, he would get to eat half again as much and possibly still lose weight faster.
As Yoovie said, you need to stay focused on you. Part of that can be telling him to STFU when you need to (although, if you value your relationship, you should probably find other words).
I have talked to him some and he said that he has seen me try to loose weight before and because it didn't last he does not want to get on board. Your both right it is not necessary to have his support (it would be nice but I am ok without) I just need to keep a good attitude and eventually he will see the results and adjust to my new way of life
Seriously? And no kidding on this one.... he could STFU or get the F out!!!! His choice. Why do people tolerate being treated in this manner????? I cannot tell you how angry this makes me - at the people putting up with this BS!!!!!! BTW - no, I'm not married and not sad about it.
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mbcaldwell123 wrote: »Kgerber777 wrote: »concordancia wrote: »Have you talked to him about why you are doing these things specifically? Or that it bothers you when he scoffs at you for making choices that will get you where you want to be?
If he also needs to lose weight, it can be hard for him to deal with the fact that you are actually doing something about it. Don't worry, it would probably be hard for you to deal with the fact that even if he were on board, he would get to eat half again as much and possibly still lose weight faster.
As Yoovie said, you need to stay focused on you. Part of that can be telling him to STFU when you need to (although, if you value your relationship, you should probably find other words).
I have talked to him some and he said that he has seen me try to loose weight before and because it didn't last he does not want to get on board. Your both right it is not necessary to have his support (it would be nice but I am ok without) I just need to keep a good attitude and eventually he will see the results and adjust to my new way of life
Seriously? And no kidding on this one.... he could STFU or get the F out!!!! His choice. Why do people tolerate being treated in this manner????? I cannot tell you how angry this makes me - at the people putting up with this BS!!!!!! BTW - no, I'm not married and not sad about it.
Whoa... :noway:0 -
concordancia wrote: »Have you talked to him about why you are doing these things specifically? Or that it bothers you when he scoffs at you for making choices that will get you where you want to be?
If he also needs to lose weight, it can be hard for him to deal with the fact that you are actually doing something about it. Don't worry, it would probably be hard for you to deal with the fact that even if he were on board, he would get to eat half again as much and possibly still lose weight faster.
As Yoovie said, you need to stay focused on you. Part of that can be telling him to STFU when you need to (although, if you value your relationship, you should probably find other words).
like... 'baby... relax n let mama show you how awesome i am.'
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Kgerber777 wrote: »concordancia wrote: »Have you talked to him about why you are doing these things specifically? Or that it bothers you when he scoffs at you for making choices that will get you where you want to be?
If he also needs to lose weight, it can be hard for him to deal with the fact that you are actually doing something about it. Don't worry, it would probably be hard for you to deal with the fact that even if he were on board, he would get to eat half again as much and possibly still lose weight faster.
As Yoovie said, you need to stay focused on you. Part of that can be telling him to STFU when you need to (although, if you value your relationship, you should probably find other words).
I have talked to him some and he said that he has seen me try to loose weight before and because it didn't last he does not want to get on board. Your both right it is not necessary to have his support (it would be nice but I am ok without) I just need to keep a good attitude and eventually he will see the results and adjust to my new way of life
Absolutely! And won't it be wonderful to surprise him in the very best way!!!
Sometimes we cry wolf too often, claiming to be serious about it too many times. Then we have to lay in the bed we made, and do without support because we called for it too many times when we weren't serious.
That doesn't mean we can't succeed when we finally really are serious.
That's when we actually make it happen, alone or not!
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dopeysmelly wrote: »I'm a firm believer in not expecting anyone else to support you on what is, essentially, a solitary endeavor, which requires a certain amount of selfishness (in a good way...).
this
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Maybe I'm coming at it from a man's perspective, and I'm not defending anyone, but is it possible that he has a dry sense of humor and tries to make jokes of everything (not knowing him). I know I'm that way, and by me joking about it, would be my acknowledging the fact your doing something to improve yourself. Would be 100% harmless, although my wife would probably take it the same way you are. (Only a suggestion, because it sounds eerily familiar). Do I know you??????? Just kidding.
Again, we would really have to know him like you know him to be pin point on making suggestions, but for the mean time, own it and do what you feel is in YOUR best interest. He will come around, especially if what you said about him not believing it will stick! That would be my greatest motivation! Let it by yours.
Good luck.0 -
So true!!!Sometimes we cry wolf too often, claiming to be serious about it too many times. Then we have to lay in the bed we made, and do without support because we called for it too many times when we weren't serious.
That doesn't mean we can't succeed when we finally really are serious.
That's when we actually make it happen, alone or not!
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mbcaldwell123 wrote: »Kgerber777 wrote: »concordancia wrote: »Have you talked to him about why you are doing these things specifically? Or that it bothers you when he scoffs at you for making choices that will get you where you want to be?
If he also needs to lose weight, it can be hard for him to deal with the fact that you are actually doing something about it. Don't worry, it would probably be hard for you to deal with the fact that even if he were on board, he would get to eat half again as much and possibly still lose weight faster.
As Yoovie said, you need to stay focused on you. Part of that can be telling him to STFU when you need to (although, if you value your relationship, you should probably find other words).
I have talked to him some and he said that he has seen me try to loose weight before and because it didn't last he does not want to get on board. Your both right it is not necessary to have his support (it would be nice but I am ok without) I just need to keep a good attitude and eventually he will see the results and adjust to my new way of life
Seriously? And no kidding on this one.... he could STFU or get the F out!!!! His choice. Why do people tolerate being treated in this manner????? I cannot tell you how angry this makes me - at the people putting up with this BS!!!!!! BTW - no, I'm not married and not sad about it.
because FIRST OF ALL you are talking about the person who is holding your heart, the one you are partners with! If you are constantly telling someone that you are doing something and then dont do it - eventually they will wait for you to prove it. This is not an abusive relationship. He isn't standing in the way of her success and nothing he is doing is BS.
People who have never been married can't even begin to know what ups and downs you go through together or what your personal relationship dynamic is about.
Just because you don't understand, doesn't mean "he should STFU or get the F out". Some of the things we learn most of all besides discipline is 1) not blaming others because we can't reach success and 2) patience is vital and 3) this is our struggle and no one else's obligation.
For all we know, he may be slyly pushing her buttons in order to get her to stick to it, because he knows her better than anyone else.
Right?
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Fortunately, support is a luxury, and not necessary to succeed. If all of us single people and people with no family can do it - so can you!
Good luck!!!!!!
Support is a luxury and not necessary to succeed. Being single and people with no family are entirely different from having someone by your side every day taunting, teasing, eating lots of unhealthy foods, etc.
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You should try to learn to laugh at yourself I think. Most people don't order a box for the food right away (it's a good idea though!) so it seems odd, right? What's wrong with laughing a little? Laugh with him, keep doing what you need to and I think you'll be happier and you'll get healthier. It's not that he isn't supporting you. He can support you and find the methods amusing at the same time. Just take it for face value, don't read much into it.0
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Very true!You should try to learn to laugh at yourself I think. Most people don't order a box for the food right away (it's a good idea though!) so it seems odd, right? What's wrong with laughing a little? Laugh with him, keep doing what you need to and I think you'll be happier and you'll get healthier. It's not that he isn't supporting you. He can support you and find the methods amusing at the same time. Just take it for face value, don't read much into it.
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mbcaldwell123 wrote: »Kgerber777 wrote: »concordancia wrote: »Have you talked to him about why you are doing these things specifically? Or that it bothers you when he scoffs at you for making choices that will get you where you want to be?
If he also needs to lose weight, it can be hard for him to deal with the fact that you are actually doing something about it. Don't worry, it would probably be hard for you to deal with the fact that even if he were on board, he would get to eat half again as much and possibly still lose weight faster.
As Yoovie said, you need to stay focused on you. Part of that can be telling him to STFU when you need to (although, if you value your relationship, you should probably find other words).
I have talked to him some and he said that he has seen me try to loose weight before and because it didn't last he does not want to get on board. Your both right it is not necessary to have his support (it would be nice but I am ok without) I just need to keep a good attitude and eventually he will see the results and adjust to my new way of life
Seriously? And no kidding on this one.... he could STFU or get the F out!!!! His choice. Why do people tolerate being treated in this manner????? I cannot tell you how angry this makes me - at the people putting up with this BS!!!!!! BTW - no, I'm not married and not sad about it.
If it's a constant pattern of belittlement, I would agree. I was married to a man who was physically and emotionally abusive and I also find it upsetting when people stay in those situations--even though I completely understand that just like weight loss, only YOU can decide when enough is enough.
But I don't know that OP should leave her partner. I think she'd be better served by sitting down with him and telling him that these comments bug her and she could really use the support.
And like other posters have said, she needs to find the motivation within herself. best of luck! I believe in you.0 -
Him laughing at you would be hurtful, so I'm sorry about that. However, the only thing you can do is be consistent. Take care of yourself whether anyone else believes in you or not. I would mention it briefly every time he shows doubt in you that you're going to try your best this time, you can't make any promises, but it's hurtful to you to be doubted. Not get angry or turn it into a long conversation. Just a comment on your part. He gets to make his comment and you respond. Period. JMHO.0
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mbcaldwell123 wrote: »Kgerber777 wrote: »concordancia wrote: »Have you talked to him about why you are doing these things specifically? Or that it bothers you when he scoffs at you for making choices that will get you where you want to be?
If he also needs to lose weight, it can be hard for him to deal with the fact that you are actually doing something about it. Don't worry, it would probably be hard for you to deal with the fact that even if he were on board, he would get to eat half again as much and possibly still lose weight faster.
As Yoovie said, you need to stay focused on you. Part of that can be telling him to STFU when you need to (although, if you value your relationship, you should probably find other words).
I have talked to him some and he said that he has seen me try to loose weight before and because it didn't last he does not want to get on board. Your both right it is not necessary to have his support (it would be nice but I am ok without) I just need to keep a good attitude and eventually he will see the results and adjust to my new way of life
Seriously? And no kidding on this one.... he could STFU or get the F out!!!! His choice. Why do people tolerate being treated in this manner????? I cannot tell you how angry this makes me - at the people putting up with this BS!!!!!! BTW - no, I'm not married and not sad about it.
because FIRST OF ALL you are talking about the person who is holding your heart, the one you are partners with! If you are constantly telling someone that you are doing something and then dont do it - eventually they will wait for you to prove it. This is not an abusive relationship. He isn't standing in the way of her success and nothing he is doing is BS.
People who have never been married can't even begin to know what ups and downs you go through together or what your personal relationship dynamic is about.
Just because you don't understand, doesn't mean "he should STFU or get the F out". Some of the things we learn most of all besides discipline is 1) not blaming others because we can't reach success and 2) patience is vital and 3) this is our struggle and no one else's obligation.
For all we know, he may be slyly pushing her buttons in order to get her to stick to it, because he knows her better than anyone else.
Right?
Bolded part - so true. Just like my bf will say he'll be home at such and such a time. I now add 1.5 hrs to that and if he's not home by then, then I get worried. I used to worry after 30 mins, since I am the kind of person who was required to come home when I said I would as a kid (his parents are for sure more loose about that kind of thing). It's at the point when he'll say "I'll be home by midnight" and I respond with "ok, see you at 1:30 or so... you should probably start telling the truth" and then we both laugh.0 -
obscuremusicreference wrote: »
If it's a constant pattern of belittlement, I would agree. I was married to a man who was physically and emotionally abusive and I also find it upsetting when people stay in those situations--even though I completely understand that just like weight loss, only YOU can decide when enough is enough.
But I don't know that OP should leave her partner. I think she'd be better served by sitting down with him and telling him that these comments bug her and she could really use the support.
And like other posters have said, she needs to find the motivation within herself. best of luck! I believe in you.
thank you for your words of wisdom. I do want to make myself clear however my husband is a good man who loves me very much and I don't believe he meant to hurt me with his words/laughing. His is not abusive towards. His is my best friend.
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Kgerber777 wrote: »
I have talked to him some and he said that he has seen me try to loose weight before and because it didn't last he does not want to get on board.
Even I feel this way about myself sometimes: I just tell myself that every pound I lose is a pound I didn't get worse. Maybe I will gain it back in a few months, but I am not willing to give up on myself completely.
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shadowloss wrote: »Maybe I'm coming at it from a man's perspective, and I'm not defending anyone, but is it possible that he has a dry sense of humor and tries to make jokes of everything (not knowing him). I know I'm that way, and by me joking about it, would be my acknowledging the fact your doing something to improve yourself. Would be 100% harmless, although my wife would probably take it the same way you are. (Only a suggestion, because it sounds eerily familiar). Do I know you??????? Just kidding.
Again, we would really have to know him like you know him to be pin point on making suggestions, but for the mean time, own it and do what you feel is in YOUR best interest. He will come around, especially if what you said about him not believing it will stick! That would be my greatest motivation! Let it by yours.
Good luck.
So, your wife is not entitled to feeling hurt by you because you're just plain funny and she doesn't get it.
Look up "gaslighting".
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Fortunately, support is a luxury, and not necessary to succeed. If all of us single people and people with no family can do it - so can you!
Good luck!!!!!!
Support is a luxury and not necessary to succeed. Being single and people with no family are entirely different from having someone by your side every day taunting, teasing, eating lots of unhealthy foods, etc.
*preface - what you are describing is NOT a lack of support, but a taunting obstacle or saboteur as some would refer to it - and NOT the same thing.
But that was a choice. To move in together.
When you move in together with someone, you are very realistically aware that there will ALWAYS be things you have to do or take care of that have nothing to do with them.
We aren't kids on the playground, if our boyfriend is teasing us by sticking a pie under our nose, we push his face in it. The end.
Playfully shove him away and handle your business.
If you're grown up and responsible enough to get married, then you are grown up and responsible enough to get and keep yourself healthy and to not give in and eat crappy just cause your boyfriend does. That's an excuse to eat bad, not a legitimate reason you can't get healthy.
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So, your wife is not entitled to feeling hurt by you because you're just plain funny and she doesn't get it.
Look up "gaslighting".
SLOW YOUR ROLL there "Gaslighting", did you read anything other than the part you wanted to in my response. Doesn't matter.
However, hits my point as well as others all the way home! Doesn't matter what we say, when we say it, or how we say it. SOMEONE, will always take it in a way that was unintended and turn it around. News media has made a fortune of it for decades.
My wife and I have been married 20+ years, which in todays environment is 3 lifetimes. She knows my personality but sometimes if she is in a defensive mood, things get misinterpreted. I was simply trying to point out, if this is his personality, maybe it was one of those times?
I think the OP cleared things up considerably in her reply, so I'll leave it at that.0
This discussion has been closed.
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