Spouse not joining in

scupit

I know there's probably not too much advice to be given, but I guess I just need a sound board for my issues. My lovely, wonderful husband is very supportive of me losing weight. However, he continues to eat badly. But then he says, "Oh I need to lose weight...my jeans don't fit." I cook healthy meals at home but he overeats and then indulges on ice cream right before bed. None of this bothers me on my determination to lose weight. But part of me is like...really, you don't want to be a team on this journey? We've always been a team. We used to go to the gym together. Now I go by myself. We used to eat healthy together...now it's just me. I know I can't make him want to eat healthier and exercise, but I'm just super frustrated right now.

TopazCutie

You need to tell him this!

libbydoodle11

I am torn on this one. I am sensitive to others mentioning my weight gain. Some folks respond well to loved ones letting them know there is room for improvement in regards to their weight gain. I think I would just try to lead by example on this one.

RodaRose

Sometimes spouses are not on the same page. My hubby gently nudged me for years. On my own time and in my own way, I got back to watching how much I ate.

Lourdesong

TopazCutie wrote: »

You need to tell him this!

This.

You could show him your post you wrote about him and see what he thinks of that.

tiptoethruthetulips

Because you are ready to get fit and become healthy doesn't mean he is. I suspect the more you push the more he will push back at you.

You can express concern for his health, but you shouldn't give him the opportunity to complain that you are nagging about his diet or lack of exercise.

In his own time...

GiveMeCoffee

If and when he wants to lose weight he will. If he complains about his jeans being tight, tell him easy solution is to lose weight. Also how is eating ice cream at night a bad thing?

Judging all his eating choices might also be taken as nagging.

maasha81

tiptoethruthetulips wrote: »

Because you are ready to get fit and become healthy doesn't mean he is. I suspect the more you push the more he will push back at you.

You can express concern for his health, but you shouldn't give him the opportunity to complain that you are nagging about his diet or lack of exercise.

In his own time...

I totally agree. AS you said, it's out of your control ...focus on yourself. I know it can be frustrating but he may join you when he is ready.

20yearsyounger

Keep doing what you are doing. He'll join when he is good and ready. For years my wife has been telling me about losing weight. Unless he has some other type of emotional issue, it will be hard for him not to do anything when he has a smoking hot wife.

taunto

GiveMeCoffee wrote: »

If and when he wants to lose weight he will. If he complains about his jeans being tight, tell him easy solution is to lose weight. Also how is eating ice cream at night a bad thing?

Judging all his eating choices might also be taken as nagging.

I agree with this person.

Since you are concerned, I would just ask him whenever you are going to the gym to join you. If he says yes, great! If not, try again next time but don't nag.

jennifer_417

One thing I realized right away when I started losing weight was, just because I was making changes, didn't mean anybody else was obligated to. Would it be nice if I had someone to do this with me? Sure. But it didn't work out that way. Would it be nice to do this with your hubby, as a team? Sure. But he's not interested. I have people tell me all the time that they want to lose weight like I did, only to watch their eyes glaze over when I tell them how I did it. It's just how people are. When he's ready, your hubby will jump on the bandwagon, but not before.

CipherZero

(In before "Just break up")

I go through the same thing. It's been two and a half years on and my wife is just starting her journey into better fitness and health.

On the upside, she's asking me a lot of questions on health and fitness that I can actually answer with researched facts.

GiveMeCoffee

I also want to add that if you take care of you and others around you people see the change, the domino effect may happen. Since I started, my daughter, mother, father, and husband have all started... but they did it when they were ready not when I was.

logg1e

I agree with libby you need to strike the balance between telling him how you feel and how you'd appreciate his support and companionship whilst not giving him the message that you are judging him or expect him to have the same goals as you.

What are you going to do?

Juvenica

agree , almost with everyone above.
I'm into focus mode right now, trying to eat healthy and workout yet my family is overweight and eating Granted healthy foods mostly , but still even healthy foods when taken too much make you fat and they're making me backtrack.
there is nothing you can do for him trust me, focus on yourself and hope that when he sees your results and your efforts will be more supportive and hopefully get on a healthy train as well.

middlehaitch

Scupit, glad you had a place to vent your frustrations. Sometimes one just has to verbalise to stop it whizzing around and around in ones head.
Now sit back and enjoy the holidays with the man you love.

Cheers, h.

Whitty1982

Try finding activities that he enjoys - like hiking, dancing, rough housing with the kids if you have them, building something, martial arts, riding bikes, swimming, or whatever. He probably gets frustrated that you are frustrated and then doesn't feel like doing anything. Then you're both aggravated and not enjoying the lifestyle change.
- Make it a game so you both can have fun with it.
Even use some bedroom temptations as a motivator. You'll both enjoy it and get some cardio in with it. Go on a hike and take a camera or your phone so you can snap some flirty photos in secluded areas of the trail together.

He may find the gym boring so think of activities you can do together that he will enjoy.

It can also help to spend more time with friends that are more active on a regular basis. The goal isn't to ritually go to a gym or whatever - the goal is to keep moving so you keep burning calories. After being more active, his diet may follow suit so he feels better when having fun.

randomtai

Just break up.

Liftng4Lis

GiveMeCoffee wrote: »

If and when he wants to lose weight he will. If he complains about his jeans being tight, tell him easy solution is to lose weight. Also how is eating ice cream at night a bad thing?

Judging all his eating choices might also be taken as nagging.

^This. Lead by example.

Phrick

Liftng4Lis wrote: »

GiveMeCoffee wrote: »

If and when he wants to lose weight he will. If he complains about his jeans being tight, tell him easy solution is to lose weight. Also how is eating ice cream at night a bad thing?

Judging all his eating choices might also be taken as nagging.

^This. Lead by example.

Leading by example doesn't always work - in fact in my own personal experience, it doesn't work at all! @ OP - be an example all you want but don't pin your hopes on your husband *ever* joining you. Focus on you and on loving him as he is. IF changes come, welcome them, but don't make his change or lack thereof any kind of focus at all, unless you thrive on frustration and disappointment.



(P.S. Sorry if that comes across wrong - I have a lot of years of chronic disappointment from hoping my own husband will change under my belt and am finally coming to the place of accepting that this is who I am married to... I either get to take it as it is, or do the "just break up" thing)

NoelFigart1

When he comments he needs to lose weight, just shrug and say, "Well, you know what you do when you decide you want to" and leave it at that. It does two things. It doesn't try to take choice away from him and it does remind him that if that's what he wants, he needs to make the choice to do it.

Unknown

This content has been removed.

Brolympus

You really can't make people do things they don't want to without some kind of resentment. Sometimes you just need to do your thing and hope he will catch on someday, knowing there is a possibility he might never. Maybe he is in an emotional slump, or there is something else going on in his life and he is eating his feelings? Doesn't like his job? Problems with family? Money worries? A lot of people overeat when they feel stressed without any relief in sight.

For now, just focus on being in control of what YOU can improve: yourself.

_Terrapin_

Lead by example. We have 7 new runners in the neighborhood and the majority started because they saw my wife running in the AM. It is very cool to hear from other people what motivated them, especially when it is your spouse. So keep doing what your doing and if he joins in. . . . .outstanding.

mazdauk

When I started losing weight - and when it became noticeable - I lost count of the people who said "Oh, I wish I could lose weight!", but lost interest as soon as I explained HOW to do it - basically eat less and move more. Many people would love to be a different shape, but are not prepared to put the effort in.

When people said "I don't have time to go to the gym" I explained that I never went to the gym, I just did little DVD workouts - 25-30 mins max a time before and/or after work. Blank looks/excuses.

Or some said "I could never give up chocolate/wine/cakes", so I explained I hadn't given up any of these, I just made sure I counted them in my calories for the day and either left out something else or did extra exercise to "earn" it. More blank looks.

Or even people would ask me to send them the MFP link, then when I asked them a couple of weeks later how they were finding it, "Oh, I've not looked at it yet/I've registered but I'm not tracking yet."

So as others have said, if he's not in the place yet to put in the effort, he's going to stay the same shape. But you can help as others said by including him in exercise - such as "its a lovely day lets go for a walk/walk to the shops instead of taking the car". Or look for ways to make his favourite foods less calorific - try the "Hairy Dieters" recipes for things like lasagne and meat pie, they have decent portion sizes. But ultimately you can only encourage him, you can't MAKE him change.

AglaeaC

NoelFigart1 wrote: »

When he comments he needs to lose weight, just shrug and say, "Well, you know what you do when you decide you want to" and leave it at that. It does two things. It doesn't try to take choice away from him and it does remind him that if that's what he wants, he needs to make the choice to do it.

This.

You can't have any ambitions on his behalf, in a sense, because if he "doesn't live up to your expectations", there will be nothing but resentment and frustration. He is his own person, and you accept the whole package or you don't.

999tigger

Talk to him as above, but then leave him be as its his choice tbh. Its a shame he doesnt want to be in the team as its a lot more bearable, but you will get nowhere pressurising him.

In his own time he will decide for himself.

jessupbrady

scupit wrote: »

My lovely, wonderful husband is very supportive of me losing weight. ... None of this bothers me on my determination to lose weight. But part of me is like...really, you don't want to be a team on this journey? We've always been a team.

I want to single out a couple things here. Sometimes poor eating habits of a spouse do effect the one trying to get fit. You said that doesn't bother you and he is very supportive of your efforts. I'd say redefine what Team means to you in your relationship.
If he is supportive, then he is being a team player.
He doesn't have to want for himself what you want for yourself in order to be a team player.

xcalygrl

Until he really wants to do it, nothing you say or do will change him.

He may be saying, "I need to lose weight OR I want to lose weight OR my pants aren't fitting anymore," but until he is truly ready to lose weight it won't happen. You can talk to him until you're blue in the face, but it won't change where he is at in his journey. Everyone, including yourself, had to get to a point where weight loss finally "clicked." He isn't there yet. You can't make him be there; he has to get there on his own.

Keep cooking healthy. Keep going to the gym. Keep doing this for you. One day he'll be ready and you'll be there to help guide him.

AglaeaC

jessupbrady wrote: »

scupit wrote: »

My lovely, wonderful husband is very supportive of me losing weight. ... None of this bothers me on my determination to lose weight. But part of me is like...really, you don't want to be a team on this journey? We've always been a team.

I want to single out a couple things here. Sometimes poor eating habits of a spouse do effect the one trying to get fit. You said that doesn't bother you and he is very supportive of your efforts. I'd say redefine what Team means to you in your relationship.
If he is supportive, then he is being a team player.
He doesn't have to want for himself what you want for yourself in order to be a team player.

Well said. I haven't thought of it like this before, but would make a distinction about affairs concerning the couple versus each of the individuals. Compromises need to happen when it comes to stuff concerning the future of the couple (running the home, bringing up kids, to an extent job-related matters, etc.), whereas an individual is allowed to think for themselves in matters regarding their own well-being (hobbies, personal health, to an extent job-related matters, etc.). Nobody said living together with another person is easy, though.

Slasher09

My fiance is the same way. When we met 4 years ago, I was 136 (I had an eating disorder at the time) and he was about 180. Fast forward a few years (and one baby) and I was about 160 and he was about 215. I'm 5'6 and he's about 5'7-5'8. He was the one in the beginning trying to get me to go to the gym and eat right (hoping it would help me) and somewhere along the line it switched. There may be something going on under the surface? My fiance got herniated discs weight lifting in college a ways back and he finds when he works out and lifts, he would get back pain for a few days. Then anything that would cause back pain would cause his back to go out and he would spend a few days in bed. He was told that in its current state it is fine until it becomes inflamed/irritated, but if he further injures it he could have lifelong problems. He is scared to have that happen to him at 29 years old.

We have a wedding and then a honeymoon coming up in march. He started packing ramen noodles in his car to save money on buying lunches, and he hasn't been bringing home his chips as often...and he stepped on the scale the other day and realized he lost 11 pounds (204). I think it made him feel good to see that. I made another comment that he needs to start actually trying to lose weight soon, he just doesn't want to get hurt. Once we aren't bleeding money on a wedding I have suggested he look into physical therapy and working out with a trainer who can help him. In the meantime I am trying to get him into walking/swimming.

I will agree with others, the best thing is that he is supportive of your efforts and not trying to derail you. Maybe he just needs to be ready for himself?