Spouse not joining in

Brolympus

You really can't make people do things they don't want to without some kind of resentment. Sometimes you just need to do your thing and hope he will catch on someday, knowing there is a possibility he might never. Maybe he is in an emotional slump, or there is something else going on in his life and he is eating his feelings? Doesn't like his job? Problems with family? Money worries? A lot of people overeat when they feel stressed without any relief in sight.

For now, just focus on being in control of what YOU can improve: yourself.

_Terrapin_

Lead by example. We have 7 new runners in the neighborhood and the majority started because they saw my wife running in the AM. It is very cool to hear from other people what motivated them, especially when it is your spouse. So keep doing what your doing and if he joins in. . . . .outstanding.

mazdauk

When I started losing weight - and when it became noticeable - I lost count of the people who said "Oh, I wish I could lose weight!", but lost interest as soon as I explained HOW to do it - basically eat less and move more. Many people would love to be a different shape, but are not prepared to put the effort in.

When people said "I don't have time to go to the gym" I explained that I never went to the gym, I just did little DVD workouts - 25-30 mins max a time before and/or after work. Blank looks/excuses.

Or some said "I could never give up chocolate/wine/cakes", so I explained I hadn't given up any of these, I just made sure I counted them in my calories for the day and either left out something else or did extra exercise to "earn" it. More blank looks.

Or even people would ask me to send them the MFP link, then when I asked them a couple of weeks later how they were finding it, "Oh, I've not looked at it yet/I've registered but I'm not tracking yet."

So as others have said, if he's not in the place yet to put in the effort, he's going to stay the same shape. But you can help as others said by including him in exercise - such as "its a lovely day lets go for a walk/walk to the shops instead of taking the car". Or look for ways to make his favourite foods less calorific - try the "Hairy Dieters" recipes for things like lasagne and meat pie, they have decent portion sizes. But ultimately you can only encourage him, you can't MAKE him change.

AglaeaC

NoelFigart1 wrote: »

When he comments he needs to lose weight, just shrug and say, "Well, you know what you do when you decide you want to" and leave it at that. It does two things. It doesn't try to take choice away from him and it does remind him that if that's what he wants, he needs to make the choice to do it.

This.

You can't have any ambitions on his behalf, in a sense, because if he "doesn't live up to your expectations", there will be nothing but resentment and frustration. He is his own person, and you accept the whole package or you don't.

999tigger

Talk to him as above, but then leave him be as its his choice tbh. Its a shame he doesnt want to be in the team as its a lot more bearable, but you will get nowhere pressurising him.

In his own time he will decide for himself.

jessupbrady

scupit wrote: »

My lovely, wonderful husband is very supportive of me losing weight. ... None of this bothers me on my determination to lose weight. But part of me is like...really, you don't want to be a team on this journey? We've always been a team.

I want to single out a couple things here. Sometimes poor eating habits of a spouse do effect the one trying to get fit. You said that doesn't bother you and he is very supportive of your efforts. I'd say redefine what Team means to you in your relationship.
If he is supportive, then he is being a team player.
He doesn't have to want for himself what you want for yourself in order to be a team player.

xcalygrl

Until he really wants to do it, nothing you say or do will change him.

He may be saying, "I need to lose weight OR I want to lose weight OR my pants aren't fitting anymore," but until he is truly ready to lose weight it won't happen. You can talk to him until you're blue in the face, but it won't change where he is at in his journey. Everyone, including yourself, had to get to a point where weight loss finally "clicked." He isn't there yet. You can't make him be there; he has to get there on his own.

Keep cooking healthy. Keep going to the gym. Keep doing this for you. One day he'll be ready and you'll be there to help guide him.

AglaeaC

jessupbrady wrote: »

scupit wrote: »

My lovely, wonderful husband is very supportive of me losing weight. ... None of this bothers me on my determination to lose weight. But part of me is like...really, you don't want to be a team on this journey? We've always been a team.

I want to single out a couple things here. Sometimes poor eating habits of a spouse do effect the one trying to get fit. You said that doesn't bother you and he is very supportive of your efforts. I'd say redefine what Team means to you in your relationship.
If he is supportive, then he is being a team player.
He doesn't have to want for himself what you want for yourself in order to be a team player.

Well said. I haven't thought of it like this before, but would make a distinction about affairs concerning the couple versus each of the individuals. Compromises need to happen when it comes to stuff concerning the future of the couple (running the home, bringing up kids, to an extent job-related matters, etc.), whereas an individual is allowed to think for themselves in matters regarding their own well-being (hobbies, personal health, to an extent job-related matters, etc.). Nobody said living together with another person is easy, though.

Slasher09

My fiance is the same way. When we met 4 years ago, I was 136 (I had an eating disorder at the time) and he was about 180. Fast forward a few years (and one baby) and I was about 160 and he was about 215. I'm 5'6 and he's about 5'7-5'8. He was the one in the beginning trying to get me to go to the gym and eat right (hoping it would help me) and somewhere along the line it switched. There may be something going on under the surface? My fiance got herniated discs weight lifting in college a ways back and he finds when he works out and lifts, he would get back pain for a few days. Then anything that would cause back pain would cause his back to go out and he would spend a few days in bed. He was told that in its current state it is fine until it becomes inflamed/irritated, but if he further injures it he could have lifelong problems. He is scared to have that happen to him at 29 years old.

We have a wedding and then a honeymoon coming up in march. He started packing ramen noodles in his car to save money on buying lunches, and he hasn't been bringing home his chips as often...and he stepped on the scale the other day and realized he lost 11 pounds (204). I think it made him feel good to see that. I made another comment that he needs to start actually trying to lose weight soon, he just doesn't want to get hurt. Once we aren't bleeding money on a wedding I have suggested he look into physical therapy and working out with a trainer who can help him. In the meantime I am trying to get him into walking/swimming.

I will agree with others, the best thing is that he is supportive of your efforts and not trying to derail you. Maybe he just needs to be ready for himself?

99clmsntgr

There's only one thing you need to remember -- you can't want it for him.

With a spouse that's similar, and other relatives as well, I can sympathize. You can promise support and remind him that you're in it together, but, until that person actually wants it...you can't do it for them.

dramaqueen45

I was dealing with the exact same scenario. My husband had been watching me lose weight since summer, complaining the whole time that he is fat, all the while eating two and three portions of my low calorie dinners, plus two or three bowls of cereal later in the evening, plus ice cream or dessert, plus alcoholic drinks, etc. I'm not saying anything is wrong with eating these things (before anyone says it) but calories are calories. Finally when I got to a 20 pound loss, he joined a fitness center 5 minutes away from his job and has been going almost daily. Now he refuses to step on a scale and refuses to measure, BUT he did take a photo of himself "before" and the other day he went to the doc (knee troubles from exercise) and his blood pressure is now normal (and he hasn't been taking his meds). So that is a win. I just think everyone has to come to the decision completely on their own AND do it their own way. He will NEVER be one to track calories and forget weighing and measuring food because he just hates those details, but he will exercise as he used to be a competitive athlete. And he has been trying to eat better and less in general. So my doing this has inspired him. I guess that's good enough! And we have been walking and cycling together since summer, so that is a plus too.

kelleybean1

xcalygrl wrote: »

Until he really wants to do it, nothing you say or do will change him.

He may be saying, "I need to lose weight OR I want to lose weight OR my pants aren't fitting anymore," but until he is truly ready to lose weight it won't happen. You can talk to him until you're blue in the face, but it won't change where he is at in his journey. Everyone, including yourself, had to get to a point where weight loss finally "clicked." He isn't there yet. You can't make him be there; he has to get there on his own.

Keep cooking healthy. Keep going to the gym. Keep doing this for you. One day he'll be ready and you'll be there to help guide him.

This. ^^^^^ Tell him ONCE how much you would love to have him by your side during this journey, then leave it. This is his choice and his alone. I'm in the same boat with my hubby, and he's actually considering the gym now. He asked me to sign him up this morning, but I told him that is something he needs to do himself. I hope he does, but he needs to do this on his own for himself, not just to shut me up . ;-)

Mediocrates55

I love my husband dearly, but if he decided to start going to the gym with me I might punch him in the face. MY time, MY workout, MY research, MY journey. We've always been deliciously independent though. He's still delightfully slim, but at 31 his muscle tone isn't what it was in our early 20's. He's still gorgeous to me. If he decided to make the effort to use his gym membership, I'd support him but ultimately it's his decision. I'm not there to hold his hand or cajole him or light a fire under that lovely butt of his.

ninerbuff

I get this a lot from clients about their spouses. Lol, then they want me to go talk to them. As it's been mentioned, when a person is ready, they'll make the move towards doing it. Inferences and pushing them toward it makes it feel "forced" and it shouldn't.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

NoelFigart1

FWIW, my husband and I do go to the gym at the same time, but we split up and do very different workouts.

Capt_Apollo

just keep setting the good example. thats all you can really do.

enterdanger

My husband has put on 45 lbs since we got married 5.5 years ago. I put on about the same and started dieting and working out. He had lost a 100+ lbs before we met, so the weight gain had me reminding him that he had done it before. After watching me diet for 9 months he finally got on MFP and is losing.

He lost all his weight before by eating like 1500 calories a day. He's 6 foot...I think seeing me losing while eating a reasonable amount made him more open to getting healthy. I still haven't gotten him back in the gym, but I'll just keep gently reminding him of that hour of free time he has before I get home with the kids.

njmark72

I was one of these husbands you all rant about and the truth of the matter is we aren't going to change unless we really want to. I decided to stop my insanity and reached my goal weight of 180lbs in around 5 months. Lost over 80lbs in the process. I bounce between 185 - 193 lbs now...

Honestly, I was inspired a lot by the transformations I have seen other people go through like on Biggest Loser or on Reddit, and now here of course. It all helps!

Hopefully they will decide to live a healthier life... Keep working on them...

Good Luck!