Hating myself.

hopefloatsup

I'm done. I hate myself so much right now and absolutely disgust myself. I was doing so well with eating healthy, losing weight, being active. Then our life just took a horrible turn and I literally holed myself up in my room and don't want to be seen by anyone anymore. I am embarrassed by how I look and am embarrassed for my kids. I have no excuse for myself. I just quit caring. Today, I looked in a full length mirror and about made myself throw up. The sad part, is I gained all my weight back and then some. It all seemed to come back straight to my upper stomach and I feel like I look preggo (which I'm not), but I can't suck it in anymore. Just needing some advice to get back into things again. I'm afraid to go out of the house anymore and with summer here, that's just not an option with my kiddos. I'm a snacker, and emotional eater, etc. I was doing so well with healthier snacks, but now that I've fallen into bad habits again, it seems I'm hungrier now. The worst part is my husband has gained more back than I have all he ever wants to do is go to eat, or eat crappy foods. I don't want to make him made and cranky, so I give in, and always feel absolutely horrible after. It's taken a toll on our relationship as we hardly talk anymore and I try to avoid him so I don't have to even talk about it anymore (we have the discussion almost daily). How do I get past the point of feeling disgusted and worthless? I'm just trying to reach out for some advice....sorry for rambling on.

nvpixie

Getting out of the house is EXACTLY what you need to do. Get up, get moving. Don't push yourself too hard. Make small goals.

PlayerHatinDogooder

You've just got to suck it up and get your stuff together.

Quit sitting around and feeling sorry for yourself because that doesn't actually accomplish anything.

If you truly want the results you say you do then you need to put some action behind it.

jzammetti

Sounds to me like you need some professional help - no insult here - I have had help too in the past.

I say set small goals for yourself - only you know what will work for you. Maybe just outside with the kids for an hour each day? Eat less, but track everything no matter what, etc.

Raynne413

The main thing you need to do is stop hating yourself. If you are constantly beating yourself down, and talking to yourself that way, why would you want to do something GOOD for someone you hate and loathe? I know it's hard, but if you wouldn't talk to a friend or your child that way, don't talk to yourself that way.

EmmieBaby

just go, walk, run, lift do whatever you want but do something for yourself.

sorry for my language but **** you husband if he doesn't want to change. you do so he will have to deal with it or gtfo.

and I can relate to self hating, I turned over all my mirrors cause I cry when I see what I have become. But you know what..I want to change and when I do turn those mirrors around I wont see that frail little fat girl who would none stop eat and eat and feel bad for eating and then eat some more

I will see a sexy spartan that accomplished the impossible and kicked *kitten*...for herself and herself alone.

you can and will do this, its hard, it takes time, but it is so worth it in the end.

dixieracer27

First off, I've been to the point of hating myself. Did it do any good? Nope! I think you need to get out of the house with your kids and play with them, go on long walks, go to the park, start feeding everybody in the house healthy food.
You can't blame your husband for what's put in your mouth. I eat totally different than my husband so that's a lousy excuse. I've been at this for 3 hard months, and honestly it's hard freaking work. I've learned to embrace myself, and love the changes that are happening on my body. Only you can do this!!

allyson8706

Don't give up! I know it seems like that is the only option but remind yourself your kids need you to do this so you can be there for them! I am the same way I am an emotional eater and tend to graze throughout the day. I try to tell myself if I am doing better than I was with my eating then that is a start. If you only walk around your house for 10 minutes it is better then sitting on the couch. Feel free to add me and keep your head up girl!!

silvergurl518

whatever you do, don't give up. please don't hate yourself. you don't have to become this beacon of self-love overnight, but start treating yourself as you would treat others. with kindness, respect. grow to like yourself, and then one day, you'll love yourself. no one is perfect. i say this with years of therapy under my belt and i'm still "imperfect" but happily so--gives me a reason to keep growing and learning about who i am.

we are here for you.

BarbWhite09

Trust me I'm in the same boat currently. Gained back 50 of the lbs I lost, then an additional 10, when life got rough. Been trying to get back on track for a while now. Erg.

juiceplusbecky

Don't beat yourself up. It has taken me a long time to learn this: if you are alive then it is never too late to start again. It won't be any easier than it is today. Go take a walk with the kids (or bike ride), go to the store and get some chicken, veggies and salad fixings, drink some water. Do the same thing again tomorrow, but walk a littler farther, go pull weeds or add an exercise dvd.

Feel free to add me; I have been in your shoes more times than I want to admit :-)

You CAN do it!

Mamahana82

I've been there. I got down to my ideal weight and then over time, not only gained back all I had lost, but tacked on an extra 50 pounds. Now I'm back to being within 20 pounds of my ideal weight again and am making steps for it to stay off.

Yesterday is done. You can't change it. But you can change, starting today, what you do. And each day in the future, you can whittle away those pounds and get yourself back into a lifestyle that will allow you to maintain a weight that gives you pride. When I looked in the mirror and saw myself at my heaviest, it was as you described. And I did that for months; hating myself when I looked in the mirror. But if I had started eating better and working out the first day I realized I wasn't happy, I would've been several pounds lighter the day I ACTUALLY began the lifestyle change. I thought about it like cleaning a very messy house. If you look at the whole house and how much you have to do, it can be depressing. So instead, in order to clean up a house, you start with the items at your feet. You start where you are and you pick up as you go along until, before you know it, you're halfway there. And the cleaner the place gets, the more pride and motivation you will feel to keep cleaning.

But it starts with today. You have to start where you are. Here is the piece I really do want to emphasize though: you are far more critical to yourself than anyone else. Don't think about what other people see when they see you; because am TELLING you, it isn't what you think. We are often so much more cruel to ourselves than we could ever put on anyone else. It's hard when you are feeling depressed to get motivated, but getting out your door for a walk is the best anti-depressant. And there are many people on this forum who know how you feel and can help give support if you choose to do something about how you're feeling.

paulaspatch

I totally can identify and understand - I am an emotional eater too and have had some really nasty things - situations over the past four years...Paula

gabegrammy

You have control of Yourself and no one else. Set a goal daily, such as; planning your meals in advance, plan taking the kiddos to park and play with them, cook healthy meals that the whole family can enjoy. clean around the house (count as calories burn) only shop for healthy snacks and meals. You can do this even he doesn't. The end results is the reward for the LONG journey you will take.
What do you want?
A year passes and nothing changed, or a year passes and a new you?
Get up look in mirror and say "I love myself" daily
Plan meals, and playing with the kids
Plan shopping for meals and snacks
Plan shoping for new clothes or other rewards for small goals
I know what you are going through, I have been there too.
Viki

saxmaniac

I'm actually not on with the small "goals", I say, focus on building small habits that you do every day, that push you in the direction you want to go. Do this until they are easy and just part of you, like brushing your teeth.

So don't try to lose 5 pounds as a small goal. For example, try to walk 15 minutes a day, every day. Focus on this and only this for a while, ignore everything else until it becomes... habit. But it doesn't have to be exercise. Maybe you decide to stop skipping breakfast. Maybe you decide to cut out crackers, because it's a trigger food. Something.

Once you've got one down, you'll feel like you've really accomplished something.

Your results will be the accumulation of these habits.

lisakay58

Hi, I understand how you feel... I have been fighting this weight for a long time. It is not that easy to lose, don't give up though. It is one day at a time. You can do this!!! I hate going anywhere new, hate to have my picture taken. Can't find nice looking clothes, etc, etc... I got on the scale today and I was up 1.5 pounds for no reason... Wanted to give in, say forget it... But, I am not. I am going to keep on going, keep on pushing myself out the door and walk. I started walking at the school track, it is level, has bathrooms. No one is usually around, and I have the track by myself. If I remember right, 8 times around is a mile. You can get a cheap pedometer and start keeping track of the steps, it helps to watch the steps build up... Just remember you are not alone. Go out to eat with hubby, just pick lower calorie choices. Or, as soon as you get your food ask for a togo box and box up half of it for the kiddos or for a meal the next day. Track your calories, it helps. And, makes you want to stay under the daily amount.
Hope that helps alittle!!! Keep in there, you are awesome!!!
Lisa

Becksga

I can totally empathize and am in a very similar situation. I too have been doing some self loathing with a man who, in my opinion, tries to sabotage my efforts. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other (quite literally) and everyday it gets a wee bit easier. Hang in there. *big hugs*

Cp731

Maybe your depressed. Ppl can experience Cyclic mood swings for weeks, months at a time.
Maybe you have high testosterone. Which can cause these Cyclic Mood Swings of Highs and Lows for weeks at a time.
Perhaps see your Physician and get your blood tested.

paulaspatch

I totally agree with you...I have in the past and actually am going in today for my first appointment in years...I have clinical depression so that is always there and I get treated with medications but the weight and emotional eating is why I am starting to see a professional...some issues and struggles...Paula

jamers3111

Getting out of the house is EXACTLY what you need to do. Get up, get moving. Don't push yourself too hard. Make small goals.

I like her suggestion. When you look at your weight as a whole it gets REALLY overwhelming. You have to remember that you didn't gain that weight overnight and that you won't lose it overnight. Try telling yourself to go for a 5 minute walk today... then 10 minutes tomorrow. Or start in the kitchen... say I am going to try to eat a fruit/veggie with every meal. If you make goals a negative (I'm going to lose x lbs... or I won't eat fried food) it's harder to do.
I'm so sorry you're having a dark time... My heart goes out to you. Remember, you can't take care of anyone else if you can't take care of yourself. Your kiddos need you to do this. *hugs*

MelsAuntie

You've just got to suck it up and get your stuff together.

Quit sitting around and feeling sorry for yourself because that doesn't actually accomplish anything.

If you truly want the results you say you do then you need to put some action behind it.

Exactly this!

LauraBalyk

no need to apologize for ranting !! everyone needs to do it, some of us rant to our partners, our friends, our family, and some rant on here, I think it is essential to rant and get out anger and frustration other wise it will just bottle up and one day you will explode!!!

I think anyone who struggles with their weight has a daily battle with "not hating themselves" and the days where we like ourselves should definitely be rewarded or praised!

What kind of goals are you trying to achieve ? Mine is a bit of a large goal, but ideally it would be to loose around 75-85 pounds, but I plan on doing it... even though I have struggles here and there.

I am definitely like you though, I am a emotional eater and stress eater too, it is a horrible habit, and wow, a very hard one to beat !

Feel free to add me and we can lean on one another and use each other for support. I am on here daily and log everything and also write in my blog once a week or so.

Just remember, everyday is a new battle, and yes, today you may feel down, but tomorrow is a new day, and we can make it a good one !!

lbdthornton

Ok I have been were you are and am doing better now... there is hope! As far as your state of mind you realize it now so you have to do something about it. My husband and I have had the same issues and talked about it all the time. The changing point for me was I decided to do it for myself not my kids, not for him but for ME!! Guess what happened it sucked to begin with ( lol ) but after a couple of weeks (normally my give up point ) my husband realized that I was serious and joined in. We now get up and do p90x together at 4 am every morning (before kids are up and before work) because it is important and it has been the best thing ever for our marriage. We both still have a long way to go but doing it together as a TEAM and knowing it is a LIFE STYLE now together is an amazing feeling. You will get there DON'T GIVE UP!! Best Wishes and GOD BLESS!

toutmonpossible

I'm actually not on with the small "goals", I say, focus on building small habits that you do every day, that push you in the direction you want to go. Do this until they are easy and just part of you, like brushing your teeth.

So don't try to lose 5 pounds as a small goal. For example, try to walk 15 minutes a day, every day. Focus on this and only this for a while, ignore everything else until it becomes... habit. ...

Once you've got one down, you'll feel like you've really accomplished something.

Your results will be the accumulation of these habits.

That's a good approach. It's better to focus on habits and structure, for example, putting the crackers out of reach, than on reaching goals. When someone continually fails at something, it's usually not because a person isn't smart enough to figure out what to do. There's emotional resistance. It's better to bypass the emotions as much as possible.

Mother_Superior

You've just got to suck it up and get your stuff together.

Quit sitting around and feeling sorry for yourself because that doesn't actually accomplish anything.

If you truly want the results you say you do then you need to put some action behind it.

whatever you do, don't give up. please don't hate yourself. you don't have to become this beacon of self-love overnight, but start treating yourself as you would treat others. with kindness, respect. grow to like yourself, and then one day, you'll love yourself. no one is perfect. i say this with years of therapy under my belt and i'm still "imperfect" but happily so--gives me a reason to keep growing and learning about who i am.

we are here for you.

I'm actually not on with the small "goals", I say, focus on building small habits that you do every day, that push you in the direction you want to go. Do this until they are easy and just part of you, like brushing your teeth.

So don't try to lose 5 pounds as a small goal. For example, try to walk 15 minutes a day, every day. Focus on this and only this for a while, ignore everything else until it becomes... habit. But it doesn't have to be exercise. Maybe you decide to stop skipping breakfast. Maybe you decide to cut out crackers, because it's a trigger food. Something.

Once you've got one down, you'll feel like you've really accomplished something.

Your results will be the accumulation of these habits.

They said it best. Good luck...you can absolutely do this.

hopefloatsup

Thank you everyone for the support. You've all brought me to tears. I have a tendency to need to be the strong one and hold it together. It's amazing sometimes how a good hard cry can make you see clearly or just be a relief in general. I'm not blaming my husband, but more my fear of confrontation. He wants to lose as bad as I do, but he loses it so much faster, which ticks me off, quite honestly. As far as my family's habits - We eat healthy meals. It's my snacking that's doing this. The kids always get healthy meals and even healthy snacks. We used to walk about 4 miles a day together - all of us. Then I quit wanting to be out around where I live due to extreme harassment of my family by a few people here. We loved walking. We used to go to the Gym as well...that stopped too. I just need to quit worrying so much about what people think of me...that's always been my fault. So what am I doing now? I'm going to the flippin' grocery store. I don't care if they look at me like I'm nuts buying out the produce section. I just don't care anymore. THAT is where I need to get my attitude to stay all the time. Thank you again, everyone. Truly appreciate it!!!

gabegrammy

Welcome back. You so got this.
Sending prayers and love your way to help you get trought this
Viki

Eatkansasbeef

This may be a long shot but why don't you start the Couch to 5K program . . . .C25K.com. I was 50lbs. overweight, old as the hills and had smoked for 30+ years when I decided to start it over two years ago. I was feeling very similar to how you're feeling at the moment (less the husband issues) and decided I HAD to do something for myself. Nobody needs to know. . . no expectations on you. And, the only equipment you need is a good sports bra, running shoes and a smart phone OR watch.

For what it's worth, I'm the last of the big time procrastinators so I decided to not allow failure to be an option and come hell or high water do it 3x a week. No more, no less. As time has gone by I've grown to love it and most importantly, love myself. It honestly has saved my life.

Give it a try, my dear. It's cheaper than therapy.

Chibea

You've just got to suck it up and get your stuff together.

Quit sitting around and feeling sorry for yourself because that doesn't actually accomplish anything.

If you truly want the results you say you do then you need to put some action behind it.

Exactly this!

Not exactly this... Obviously you know all this, which is why you are on here reaching out for help. THAT is action on your part!! Give yourself a pat on the back for taking the first step and just keep taking the steps toward your goal. :drinker:
Trying to lose the weight that you recently lost is one of the most frustrating challenges in weight loss. I know you can do it, though. You have done it before. Get back to doing what you did and before long you will be back to your former weight. Otherwise, the alternative? Not pretty is it?
It sounds like your husband is really struggling too. You must have gone through something very difficult for both of you.
If you think you and/or your husband have a problem with binge eating, there is a lot of support in the binge eating group. We understand that there is a bit more to success than "Just Do It".

Hating yourself will give you a reason to keep eating. Loving yourself no matter what will give you a reason to get healthy - and set a great example for your kids ...and your husband...

ArroganceInStep

People have said things much better than I could, but I want to point out that if it was easy it would be meaningless to you. The challenges you're facing now will make your successes when (not if) you reach your goals that much sweeter.

triciab79

Don't discuss it, just do it. If the hubby wants to go out to eat, just don't order anything or order something small. Don't tell him why or ask him to change and for goodness sake stop using him as an excuse. At the end of the day you control what you put in your mouth. All the labels "emotional eater" "stress eater" just give you a reason to fail. You are a person who either chooses to fix this or chooses to stay the way you are. Make the choice either way and live with that choice but don't hide away in your house using this as an excuse to accomplish nothing and fail to be the wife, mom, person you should be.