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We broke up because...
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Kept using all the whipped cream in the bedroom ..Im up 2lb0
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She preferred Cool whip over Reddi whip0
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She cheated on me with the pool boy0
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She didnt get me0
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Her alliteration game was always on point, mine on the other hand needed work0
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she refused to sleep on my vintage Star Wars sheets0
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I stuck to his sheets ..he never washed em0
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She would eat asparagus and run out with a cup of her urine every five minutes to ask me if it smells yet0
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Had a pee fetish ..I couldn't produce enough to satisfy him0
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she slept 18 hours a day due to her anti depressants0
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He was the cause of my depression0
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She asked me for a tea bag at a tea house and blanched when I really gave her a bag of tea. Apparently she meant something else0
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Hairy nuts ..I mean he gave me a bag of nuts with hair in it ..mean ..0
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she will only slow me down when the zombie apocalypse begins0
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He disappeared..why no officer!! That is not a new cement floor in the basement..and the lime is for the gardens ..0
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She reminded me daily she watched enough CSI to actually get away with murder0
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He wanted to try autoerotic asphyxiation, it went horribly wrong ..He died0
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She asked me what I don't like about myself, and I explained I can sometimes be anal. She misunderstood, dropped trow, and proffered her bottom. In church. At a funeral.0
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Caught molesting the corpse at said funeral..police took him away..smh0
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Making love to her was like molesting the dead0
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