Anorexia, post babies, feeling like trash.

nineateseven

JBaby11113 wrote: »

I do know that I am NOT setting a good example for my 2 daughters. I cook for them half the time (my husband the other half) and when I do I often "clean the kitchen" to avoid sitting and craving eating. I DO know this is unhealthy. Trust me when I say I absolutley know what I am doing is bad. I know this because I tried to gain muscle and I just couldnt stand seeing the scale go up, so I stopped and decided I'd rather be skinny than see a high number on the scale. I know that isnt normal. I know that weighing my food and myself before I eat it to get an idea of what that might do to me is not normal (or accurate). In my head I know these things but I am so scared of gaining.

I don't know that you would exactly qualify for a diagnosis of an eating disorder, but it does sound like you're struggling with disordered eating. The different between the two is a matter of degrees. I've struggled with disordered eating since high school, but I never would have qualified for a diagnosis of anorexia or any other eating disorder. Basically, with disordered eating, you struggle with the same thought patterns and behavioral urges, but your symptoms don't cross the line... yet.

First, major applause for recognizing what is going on. That's incredible. It shows an inner strength that can really help you get things on a safer track. Most people have no idea how much strength it takes to recognize disordered eating patterns... and then talk about it to ask for help. Your courage is amazing.

Second, I think it would be a good idea to talk to your therapist. You're right that OCD and anorexia go hand in hand. Anorexia really isn't about weight so much as it is about control. The problem is, it never truly puts you in control. The thought patterns take over. At the same time, your body has automatic mechanisms in place that will not submit to extreme deprivation in the way you're expecting. Your body will fight back in an effort to keep you alive, and it snowballs. You will lose fat and muscle, but with anorexia, it happens in a very dangerous and damaging way. Important structures in your body like your heart and brain are comprised of muscle and fat. When you severely deprive your body, it breaks down muscle and fat in ways that cause damage in vital organs like your liver and kidneys. If you starve yourself for too long and then try to regain weight back into a safer zone, it often comes back in the places you don't want it... that happens because your body is panicking and padding fat stores incase you starve again.

From the other side of things, I can tell you I am almost 100% certain that disordered eating is what messed up my metabolism and actually contributed to weight gains. I was always thin and never worried about what I ate. I was constantly hungry and just ate whatever I craved. Most of the time, I craved healthy foods anyway, so I figured I just had a high metabolism and my body was craving what it needed. But then I hit a low point in high school, and suddenly being thin seemed like the only thing I could control when it came to how people perceived me. So, I decided to become thinner. I kept myself from going over the edge into a full-blown eating disorder, but the thought patterns have lurked in the shadows ever since. I never struggled with weight gain until after that.

I'm finally getting a solid understanding of my body's metabolism and how to work with my body. I'm eating a high number of calories per day, but the baby weight is finally coming off. That's 2.5 years after I had my son. I tried low calorie and high exercise. No good. I'd lose weight at first, but the weight loss never lasted and that would trigger a spiral into disordered thought patterns again.

Now, I feel like I'm starting to get my old metabolism back. I'm eating almost constantly, but not gaining. My body is becoming more toned and strong. That makes me look thinner and more shapely.

It really is so hard adjusting to your body after having babies. I felt like an alien in my own body for so long after my son was born. I feel like I'm starting to find myself again, but it's been by learning how to work with my body, not against it.

acorsaut89

Ok so you admitted that you have a past history with ED and that you took pills to stay skinny . . . but then your profile says you never had to worry about what you ate. Those with an ED - even if it is binging/purging - almost always worry about everything that goes into their mouths.

I'm thinking - either way - you should see some kind of therapist/counsellor for this as obviously this isn't healthy and your children - especially you daughters - are going to watch you go through this, potentially leading to unhealthy views for them.

Sabine_Stroehm

You had an ED when you were young. You have an ED now. I'd say it's time to really tackle this demon. For yourself, and for your kids.

howardge

Dear, it seems like a good idea to start talking to your therapist about these feelings. It sounds like your negative feelings about your body are having a really negative impact on your overall wellness, which is not good! Everybody is amazing! And each and every BODY is amazing! Think about all the things your body can do! Think about how your body MADE THREE PEOPLE! Think of how your body lets you explore and experience the world around you! Bodies are wonderful! Yes, YOUR body too!

I'm sorry that you aren't feeling good about yours right now. I'm in recovery for ED. It is hard. It will always be a struggle, but it is so much better now than it used to be for me. You can do this. But tell your therapist. ED is serious business.

jgnatca

Your concern for your daughters brought to mind a lovely woman who is making food in to art for her fussy daughter. It's a sort of tribute to the loveliness of food.

http://instagram.com/leesamantha

This doesn't replace the suggestion to work this out with your therapist, but I thought I'd share.

JBaby11113

nineateseven- thank you for sharing your story. I am glad you are in a better place! My metabolism is something I am worried I am ruining since I had a great metabolism back before kids. I didn't want that to go and I am happy to know people can come back from it. I am painfully aware of my issues and it's good to know that that is a good thing lol. I thank you for your insight as well

- "Ok so you admitted that you have a past history with ED and that you took pills to stay skinny . . . but then your profile says you never had to worry about what you ate. Those with an ED - even if it is binging/purging - almost always worry about everything that goes into their mouths." I chose to take the pills so that I would get thinner than I was without worrying, yes. So without the pills I was a normal skinny naturally. I took the pills to get skinnier. Not sure why that's confusing. And as I said, I am seeing a therapist and plan totalk to her in depth about this BECAUSE OF my daughters.

My body has done amazing things for sure! I will be talking to my therapist. Heres the thing, I know it requires me to be committed to getting better. That's what I need to focus on-getting my mind in that relm.

ETA:
I personally don't think it is anorexia (thats just what it seems like it may be going towards) I truly feel that I have really bad habits to keeping myself thin and I think they are getting worse and possibly creating another ED that I know was probably there previously.

JBaby11113

jgnatca- THAT'S SO CUTE!!!! I absolutely love it.

howardge

JBaby1113 that second to last last post is an excellent insight. Eating disorders can often develop from disordered eating! An example: I've had negative feelings about my body since I was a little kid. When a serious relationship ended in college, I was so upset that my appetite vanished. I just didn't feel hungry. I wasn't purposefully depriving myself, I just never felt hungry.

Eventually I noticed that this had caused a significant bit of weight loss (and also headaches, weakness, dizziness, and a generally agitated attitude). But I prioritized the weight loss over all those indicators that said something was wrong. Even though I hadn't set out to lose weight, once I had started, I didn't want to stop. I went even further, this time intentionally depriving myself of food, and creating misguided strategies to deal with hunger pain and all the other negative symptoms, just so I would lose more weight. Disordered eating turned into an eating disorder.

Your body needs food so that it can do its thing. It is not your enemy-- it is a super awesome part of you!