Stop deleting your friends with an ED!

ackeebee

So far I have not noticed anyone with ED on my friendlist. The only times I have deleted people so far is if they have not logged in for X amount of days/months or if all they post in the news feed is foul language. If they can't be bothered to be here then I can't offer them any support or vice verse so I don't see the point with them being on my list.

ZealousMissJJ

I don't delete good friends, no matter what their struggle.

I do however delete drama queens. To each his own but they just cost me too much energy and I need that for me and my friends. I look for likeminded people, who want to work hard, want to be healthy. Who have a positive attitude. So far, the people I have met on MFP with an ED tend to have a lot of drama going on and don't share the same outlook on life. That's fine, just not for me.

erulasse

I have lost quite a few RL friends, not specifically over my weight but, since I was the only FAT (yes, that is the word. Not cuddly, not huggable. I'm fat) one amongst us, I found myself invited less and less to social events.
The straw broke when I learned that a "friend" was pregnant, 20 wks and climbing, through a picture I spotted on FB, not through anybody bothering to tell me. Upon closer inspection I found that this friend and others from the same social circle, had been away for a mini break. This hurt, as I'd always thought we were all good friends, and i cut them loose, straight away.

Sorry, I know this isn't relevant to the topic... But my friends recently did the EXACT same thing :ohwell:
I'm actually kinda glad I'm not the only one. How strange.

pcastagner

Ah, yes, gotta love black and white thinking.


Seriously, if you can help, great, if you feel the best course is to sever ties, do it.

Shadowknight137

I don't delete good friends, no matter what their struggle.

I do however delete drama queens. To each his own but they just cost me too much energy and I need that for me and my friends. I look for likeminded people, who want to work hard, want to be healthy. Who have a positive attitude. So far, the people I have met on MFP with an ED tend to have a lot of drama going on and don't share the same outlook on life. That's fine, just not for me.

^This.

An ED is one thing. Attention-whoring is another. Having my feed flooded with constant melodrama is something I'm not interested in, and I don't think that's so unreasonable.

That, and being told "I hope I don't trigger you" kinda ticks me off.

FitMrsR

Why are so many people on MFP who struggle with an ED abandoned by their "healthy" friends? Often I see posts about how someone does not want friends who eats under "xxxx" calories or talks about struggles with purging after a binge.

Most people on MFP are not deleting friends who are morbidly obese and are still struggling to lose weight. So why are you deleting people who are thin and struggling with anorexia or bulimia? For the record, you can be anorexic or bulimic at any weight.

If any of my friends were struggling with anorexia or bulimia I would want them to be honest about it and share their feelings instead of being ashamed or fearful of being judged.

My goal is not to make anyone feel guilty. I realize some people want to avoid interacting with people with an ED they are themselves trying to recover from.

However for those of you that are healthy why not try to support your friends with an ED the same as all your other friends? Some people are on MFP to gain weight, some to lose weight, some to focus on building strength and cardiovascular health. I sense there is a double standard on MFP where the members focused on losing weight, improving strength or cardiovascular health are treated better by the community than those with an ED.

We all have different goals. I try to support all of my friends whether they are overweight, underweight, athletic or sedentary. I wont delete someone because they occasionally relapse into unhealthy habits. We all have to start somewhere and achieving our health and fitness goals can be difficult. Instead of forcing certain groups to isolate themselves (hampering recovery) lets all try to be a more open and supportive community.

I agree. Everyone should receive support. I do understand that it's triggering for others and in that case, you need to look out for yourself but if it doesn't trigger and you feel like you can help then that's a great thing.

sunglasses_and_ocean_waves

Maybe because we're not trained professionals here, and some people don't really get involved in something that serious?

HealthyGinny

I think you're right, most people do tend to delete members with an ED but I want to say it's not everybody either.

I'm glad I have the friends I have on here because they all accept me for who I am, ED and all, and they don't judge but support me fully. To be fair, I'm trying my best to recover and I don't encourage others with "thinspiration" quotes and stuff to starve themselves, etc. I can understand people not wanting to read that.

Otherwise, yes, I get where you're coming from

bonelessskinless

"I hope I don't trigger you"

what does this mean?

Shadowknight137

"I hope I don't trigger you"

what does this mean?

Not sure.

I was told the implication is that I too have an ED, which is downright insulting. Hence the ticked off me and consequential delete of the individual who said it.

CrankMeUp

It might be selfish, but I have a lot going on in my life, and just dont have it in me

I tried once, and it was a horrible experience. I was constantly worried and she would write me and nothing I said would ever get through to her...like beating my head against a wall.

Maybe i am too empathetic, or get to emotionally invested, but i just dont have it in me to give that much, and they need more than me...a professional.

and it drags me down.

Everyone is entitled to have a list that provides an environment for success for them, and this is how i choose to do it.

:flowerforyou:

almc170

Anorexia and bulimia are recognized clinical disorders. I simply don't have the kind of background required to give these people the support they need. To pretend otherwise would be doing them and myself a disservice.

BeachIron

It might be selfish, but I have a lot going on in my life, and just dont have it in me

I tried once, and it was a horrible experience. I was constantly worried and she would write me and nothing I said would ever get through to her...like beating my head against a wall.

Maybe i am too empathetic, or get to emotionally invested, but i just dont have it in me to give that much, and they need more than me...a professional.

and it drags me down.

Everyone is entitled to have a list that provides an environment for success for them, and this is how i choose to do it.

:flowerforyou:

^ so much of this

BrainyBurro

it's painful to watch somebody starve themselves to death. when you try everything you know how to say to get them to see the error of their ways and yet they still log a single 200 calorie cup of cappuccino as their total intake for the day, every day, day after day... then the only choice you have is to stop watching.

that's why i deleted somebody with an ED. they need professional help and i'm not a professional. but that doesn't mean i didn't care... it means i cared plenty.

BarackMeLikeAHurricane

Some people have disordered eating in their past or even just below the surface & adding or keeping friends who talk about their issues or who are demonstrating disordered eating behaviors in their diaries could be a trigger for them.

I think this might be the case for quite a few people who clearly state who they will & won't "friend" here, and I think that is perfectly reasonable, as everyone is doing the best they can for themselves, and can't be expected to support others even if it means they are doing harm to themselves.

With these cases it makes total sense. I don't browse my news feed that often but I keep people even in the active phase of eating disorders. I try to help them when I can, maybe try to gently talk a little sense into them, but I can at least set a healthy example by showing them what happens when you eat at a very small calorie deficit and lift.

Loves418

To be honest one of my dearest friends growing up had an ED..it was so difficult knowing what to say and what not to say. I had to watch every word. She would make comments about what I was eating. She constantly asked me if I thought she was fat and ugly and stupid. No matter how much I gave her positive thoughts and told her good things it was hard. Eventually her parents sent her away to get help and we lost touch.
This journey ;to be honest of losing weight is stressful and hard enough without the added stress of someone with an ED. I honestly can sympathize for them but I can not at this time in my journey give them the type of support they need without putting added stress on myself.
I don't mean to hurt any feelings but I can't at this time take on friends with an ED. Better to be honest then hurt someone more by adding them and then dropping them.

dbmata

Erectile dysfunction?

3dogsrunning

Why are so many people on MFP who struggle with an ED abandoned by their "healthy" friends? Often I see posts about how someone does not want friends who eats under "xxxx" calories or talks about struggles with purging after a binge.

Most people on MFP are not deleting friends who are morbidly obese and are still struggling to lose weight. So why are you deleting people who are thin and struggling with anorexia or bulimia? For the record, you can be anorexic or bulimic at any weight.

If any of my friends were struggling with anorexia or bulimia I would want them to be honest about it and share their feelings instead of being ashamed or fearful of being judged.

My goal is not to make anyone feel guilty. I realize some people want to avoid interacting with people with an ED they are themselves trying to recover from.

However for those of you that are healthy why not try to support your friends with an ED the same as all your other friends? Some people are on MFP to gain weight, some to lose weight, some to focus on building strength and cardiovascular health. I sense there is a double standard on MFP where the members focused on losing weight, improving strength or cardiovascular health are treated better by the community than those with an ED.

We all have different goals. I try to support all of my friends whether they are overweight, underweight, athletic or sedentary. I wont delete someone because they occasionally relapse into unhealthy habits. We all have to start somewhere and achieving our health and fitness goals can be difficult. Instead of forcing certain groups to isolate themselves (hampering recovery) lets all try to be a more open and supportive community.

I agree. Everyone should receive support. I do understand that it's triggering for others and in that case, you need to look out for yourself but if it doesn't trigger and you feel like you can help then that's a great thing.

There is no stipulation when signing up to this site saying you must provide support.
I'm probably going to sound cold, but my job is stressful, I deal with a lot of similar things and worse. I find it extremely draining. I don't want to log on to MFP and deal with that as well. I didn't sign up on this site to be a counsellor. Everyone has a bad day, I'm not saying I don't want anything negative from my MFP friends, but I just can't be that person that you expect everyone to be. I am not a trained professional in dealing with ED, many people are beyond what anyone here can offer.
I haven't noticed anyone on my FL with an ED, but I don't check diaries.

There are plenty of people on here who are willing to provide that type of support, not all of us have to be.

PikaKnight

It might be selfish, but I have a lot going on in my life, and just dont have it in me

I tried once, and it was a horrible experience. I was constantly worried and she would write me and nothing I said would ever get through to her...like beating my head against a wall.

Maybe i am too empathetic, or get to emotionally invested, but i just dont have it in me to give that much, and they need more than me...a professional.

and it drags me down.

Everyone is entitled to have a list that provides an environment for success for them, and this is how i choose to do it.

:flowerforyou:

^ so much of this

^I have to say this. Everyone has issues but I am not at a place to be able to lend the kind of support that people with EDs need.

SoViLicious

I don't like negativity in my life. I know I am not qualified to help. I wish them well and hope they find the help they need.