Relationship problem (don't know where else to post)
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I haven't read the other replies; but let me tell you how I screwed up my life by choosing the wrong husband...
I was in college, didn't really care about a degree, although I got one. Dated several guys, and sort of clung to the most promising one ( it looked like he was going to have good income)...All I really wanted was to be happy, and have babies. So he seemed fine, and I thought I was in love.
Well, the first year we were married (both 21) I realized things weren't as great as I had dreamed. BUT I had no grounds for divorce, and I didn't want to shame my family or be shunned by my church. So I stuck with it. He wasn't abusive, just inattentive. Not very loving. So I thought "I'll get pregnant", so I'd have someone to love. And I did.
Fast forward to 37 years later. We were still married, kids were grown and gone, and now all I have are my pets to love. Been 10 years since we'd had sex, or even kissed. I asked him if he wanted a divorce, and he said no. He never had a conversation with me, or really talked to me at all. He always wanted to go out to eat, which I didn't enjoy that much. We were both overweight. I thought I was fulfilling my duty as a proper wife; just hanging in there because of the commitment I'd made decades earlier. I was pleasant and took care of everything, and cooked good meals. Everyone loved me, except HIM! We moved for his job one last time, but I loved our current place, so I asked again, are you sure you want to stay married? He said yes. So I moved, and cried and cried about leaving my "perfect place". We bought a house HE liked, because a time crunch was upon us. He unpacked all HIS things, and I had to beg him to bring up my things from the basement (I can't do stairs). I never did get much at all that should have been upstairs.
Then...I became very ill, almost died. He did a short term turnaround, and was sweet to me! It was such a nice change, but once I improved, he drifted away again. He went to a local weight loss thing at the hospital, and lost 100#. I don't know if it was there or at work, but he met someone new. He began dreaming about having a great life with someone else. He asked me, just after our 38th anniversary for a divorce. I was still disabled, and needed help. Our son moved in with us, and he moved out. That was 8 mos ago and I haven't seen him since. I'm SIXTY years old, have never really been loved, and am now alone. I never ever ever thought this would happen to ME. All I ever wanted was to be loved, and to have children. Thank goodness I had the children, but he didn't really love me. Probably not ever. I've spent 30+ yrs on antidepressants because of how unhappy I was. We went to counseling way back when, but he quit going when the guy agreed with me I had a right to be unhappy with him. He didn't want to go before the divorce. So my advice to you is this: DO NOT MARRY SOMEONE, OR COMMIT TO THEM, UNLESS EVERY DAY WITH HIM IS BLISS!!! I am serious. I would give every possession I have to have a do-over. I feel my life is a failure. Yes, I have my kids, but they have their own lives! I would never ever choose someone again unless I was SURE they were my SOULMATE. And what that means is, they love and cherish everything about you, and want only the best for you in every circumstance. They put you ahead of their own wants and needs. And yes, such relationships exist. Don't settle for anything less. PLEASE! You need to date other people if you aren't sure. Having doubts isn't a good thing. Think about being someone's Cinderella! It does happen. I've told you all this because of the HUGE regrets I have for being in a hurry to settle down and have a family. It was a big mistake.
I hope you will seriously think about what I have said. My life is loveless, but yours doesn't have to be. Please give the new guy a chance, and don't settle for anyone that doesn't CHERISH YOU. Best of luck to you, and blessings always.0 -
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I would also add you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.0
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Cut off all contact with him. You don't need someone like that in your life as either a boyfriend or a friend. Friends should respect you. It doesn't sound like he has any respect for you at all. With what you have said he sounds like he is either verbally abusive, very bitter over the breakup or both.
I was in a verbally abusive relationship. The best thing I did for myself was to really take the time to figure out what I did wrong (like avoid red flags, made decisions based on my insecurities) and what I can do in the future to avoid men like that before I would allow myself to even think of getting involved with someone else. You can't do that if he is still in the picture and treating you like garbage.0 -
honey, you feel bad and wrong because he has made you feel bad and wrong. this guy is abusive and you don't need to waste your thoughts on him. i've been there, and it's *kitten* awful. but it is not your fault. you have not done anything to deserve being treated like this. he's impatient, a little immature, and selfish, and you deserve far better than that.
i know it's hard to say goodbye to someone you care for, but you gotta do what's best for you, and talking to him is not that.0 -
navi_silva wrote: »Hey I've been in this situation before only I was the guy being a *kitten*. Honestly just leave him. All it is is pent up insecurity and immaturity. If he was worth keeping around he would have had an actual conversation with you about the issues and went on from there. Given that he's acting so spiteful and genuinely foul with his language only shows that hes a little kid throwing a tantrum. A bad past relationship is not an excuse to be annoying and immature, he's carrying the worst type of luggage. Take my criticism with a grain of salt and hopefully you'll save yourself a lot of headaches and heart break.
This. ^^^ All of this.
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That is not a healthy relationship or friendship. Stop spending time with this person--all you are going to get is more frustration.
As a general practice, you probably should not be showing your texts to anyone. Those are meant for your eyes only, and sharing them with other people to get their opinions is really immature and inappropriate on your part. Nothing good is going to come of that sort of thing.0 -
I am pretty sure you wouldn't accept this type of behavior from one of your girlfriends, so why consider accepting this behavior from him? This guy has lots of red flags and doesn't seem to respect you. There are PLENTY of other men who will respect you. In the mean time, focus on your goals and stay positive.0
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... lots of wonderful advice here, please do heed it! ;-)
One thing I will add is that in my experience, people fond of hurling insults at people they supposedly love have no real concept of love. Words DO matter, and you deserve better.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts ... keep in mind that every person in the world who gives their love to someone else, or *something* else - like a pet for example - fears the possibility of that love not being accepted, or the eventuality of not being able to give that love because that person, or animal, has passed. You're feeling a little bit of that fear right now. It scares you that someone you see as a friend is not being accepting of your friendship and love, and as a result, you're feeling hurt. That's natural, and we've all been there. We don't like it - but we've all been there. So, recognize that it hurts (that's okay), but also recognize, that the hurt is being delivered to you purposely by someone who says they're your friend, and when that happens, it's critical you see that behavior in it's true light. My dearest friends have been friends for decades and none of them have ever, or will ever, tell me to *$%^-off. And, I say that not as in: "they'll never do that, 'cause I'll drop them forever ... " I say that because I know for a fact they don't have in them to ever say that to me.
As others have stated, and as guys are fond of telling guys, you'll find someone better, who deserves you. Move forward with that. You'll be fine without him. Trust us. ;-)0 -
Thank you to everyone who has posted! Honestly, i've been so overwhelmed with emotions. I cant believe that this was a relationship that was considered verbally/emotionally abusive, but you all are right. It's scary...I always told myself that I would never get into an abusive relationship but I guess it sneaks up on you...One person posted something about feeling like i was "walking on eggshells" around him, and that is completely 100% true. He always tells me that i can tell him anything and he'll accept me no matter what, but whenever i do tell him something, it ends up with him being mad at me...There's no trust. A lover or friend shouldn't make me feel like apologizing for breathing, and tbh i have no idea why he's so mad when i've never even hung out with my friend after classes, yet he can study with a girl alone and chill with one alone too...wow...how hypocritical. I'm very headstrong about how i feel, but to see how he emotionally black mails me is scary. It will be awhile before I date, but then again I'm in no rush...I know i shouldn't think of all guys as the same, but it will be hard to offer letting my walls down again. I'll give back everything he has given me and focus my emotions towards working out and getting healthier...I just hope I don't fall for his attempt to get me back this time. Once again, thank you all so much. You all don't understand how much you've helped me become more aware. One day I'll find my prince charming who will treat me like a blessing every day. But until then...I'll focus on me0
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There ya' go, Jazz ... you're on the right track!0
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JazzKazz150 wrote: »Thank you to everyone who has posted! Honestly, i've been so overwhelmed with emotions. I cant believe that this was a relationship that was considered verbally/emotionally abusive, but you all are right. It's scary...I always told myself that I would never get into an abusive relationship but I guess it sneaks up on you...One person posted something about feeling like i was "walking on eggshells" around him, and that is completely 100% true. He always tells me that i can tell him anything and he'll accept me no matter what, but whenever i do tell him something, it ends up with him being mad at me...There's no trust. A lover or friend shouldn't make me feel like apologizing for breathing, and tbh i have no idea why he's so mad when i've never even hung out with my friend after classes, yet he can study with a girl alone and chill with one alone too...wow...how hypocritical. I'm very headstrong about how i feel, but to see how he emotionally black mails me is scary. It will be awhile before I date, but then again I'm in no rush...I know i shouldn't think of all guys as the same, but it will be hard to offer letting my walls down again. I'll give back everything he has given me and focus my emotions towards working out and getting healthier...I just hope I don't fall for his attempt to get me back this time. Once again, thank you all so much. You all don't understand how much you've helped me become more aware. One day I'll find my prince charming who will treat me like a blessing every day. But until then...I'll focus on me
I always said I would never let someone abuse me too, but when they don't put their hands on you then it doesn't always register with you what is going on. It wasn't until I was out and my ex-MIL said "we've dealt with our share of abuse from him" that I began to consider what had occurred. He would cut me down with words, get angry with me for things that were not even that bad (being home a few minutes late), take money from the bank without telling me, guilt trip me... so much emotional abuse and manipulation.
His last attempt to guilt me was by overdosing on something he knew would do him serious harm. The day after I told him I was filing for divorce. When I saw him a few days later in the hospital I told him I couldn't live like that, and that I was still filing the papers. I knew I couldn't let him control me like that.
You are strong. You can do it.0 -
why are you so worked up about YOUR EX!!!!Why does your ex even have a say in who you flirt with or not? Or am I missing something?
THIS THIS THIS.
Good lord- how old are you?
Move on- you broke up- he's controlling and pushing abusive (going through your phone) you aren't dating him- you're free to flirt- chat- fck- whome ever- whenever- wherever you want.
Seriously cut this guy lose- he isn't your friend. He's manipulative. no contact. cold turkey. Move on.
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never mind- you're 18.
Set your sights to doing yourself some favors and going to school/getting a job- and make the most of the here and now and cut him out of your life forever.
The sooner you can learn cancer is cancer and needs to be removed or it will kill you- the better you'll be.0 -
I remember being afraid I would go back to my ex. so glad I didn't. Be strong. Move on and find someone crazy about you, you deserve this. I did and am so happy. I want you to be loved and happy also.0
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He is verbally abusive, from what you said. There is no reason or excuse for it. Move on, fast, and don,t look back, you deserve better.0
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How much time do you want to waste on someone who doesn't trust you, doesn't respect you, And uses swear words towards you? Is that really the kind of life you want to have? If so go for it. If not, you need to drop him cold turkey. Allow yourself to date and feel special to others. Trust your friends. They probably do know what they are talking about. Don't let a man control you. Imagine how bad it could get. If you don't lose the man you could lose your friends. Maybe you can find a great guy who let's you have him and your friends happily without being jealous.0
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Sorry one more thing. I would never consider anyone a friend who uses four letter language towards me and tweets negativity about me! Apology or not, it is unacceptable!0
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It is not worth being with someone who wants to change you. Also It is not worth being with someone you want to change.
You both have to want to be together warts and all, good and bad times.
It doesn't sound like you have that kind of relationship with your ex.
All of my relationships were short term until I met my husband and we were friends before we became lovers. We trusted we each other and we both had friends of the opposite sex.
Was there flirting? Sometimes - but we both accepted it as part of human nature and it actually added some spark to our marriage because there was no cheating but somehow it's nice to know that someone else found me or him attractive.0 -
Listen to your heart not your head. You already know what to do..I am guessing..leave him...remember heart NOT head!!0
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JazzKazz150 wrote: »Thank you to everyone who has posted! Honestly, i've been so overwhelmed with emotions. I cant believe that this was a relationship that was considered verbally/emotionally abusive, but you all are right. It's scary...I always told myself that I would never get into an abusive relationship but I guess it sneaks up on you...One person posted something about feeling like i was "walking on eggshells" around him, and that is completely 100% true. He always tells me that i can tell him anything and he'll accept me no matter what, but whenever i do tell him something, it ends up with him being mad at me...There's no trust. A lover or friend shouldn't make me feel like apologizing for breathing, and tbh i have no idea why he's so mad when i've never even hung out with my friend after classes, yet he can study with a girl alone and chill with one alone too...wow...how hypocritical. I'm very headstrong about how i feel, but to see how he emotionally black mails me is scary. It will be awhile before I date, but then again I'm in no rush...I know i shouldn't think of all guys as the same, but it will be hard to offer letting my walls down again. I'll give back everything he has given me and focus my emotions towards working out and getting healthier...I just hope I don't fall for his attempt to get me back this time. Once again, thank you all so much. You all don't understand how much you've helped me become more aware. One day I'll find my prince charming who will treat me like a blessing every day. But until then...I'll focus on me
You sound like you feel much better now but I think maybe you should revisit this thread for awhile, in case you feel like caving and talking to him. I was thinking you should read your own post but pretend like your best friend or sister wrote it. What would you tell them? Do you talk to your Mom about the way this boy treats you?
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You need to put your head up and move on. This will only get worse.0
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Goodness girl grow some backbone! Even if you are young and naive at this point in your life, you are Strong. You don't need negativity in your life....it will make you ill. Be patient. Love will come. Real, honest, fun, love.0
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JazzKazz150 wrote: »Thank you to everyone who has posted! Honestly, i've been so overwhelmed with emotions. I cant believe that this was a relationship that was considered verbally/emotionally abusive, but you all are right. It's scary...I always told myself that I would never get into an abusive relationship but I guess it sneaks up on you...One person posted something about feeling like i was "walking on eggshells" around him, and that is completely 100% true. He always tells me that i can tell him anything and he'll accept me no matter what, but whenever i do tell him something, it ends up with him being mad at me...There's no trust. A lover or friend shouldn't make me feel like apologizing for breathing, and tbh i have no idea why he's so mad when i've never even hung out with my friend after classes, yet he can study with a girl alone and chill with one alone too...wow...how hypocritical. I'm very headstrong about how i feel, but to see how he emotionally black mails me is scary. It will be awhile before I date, but then again I'm in no rush...I know i shouldn't think of all guys as the same, but it will be hard to offer letting my walls down again. I'll give back everything he has given me and focus my emotions towards working out and getting healthier...I just hope I don't fall for his attempt to get me back this time. Once again, thank you all so much. You all don't understand how much you've helped me become more aware. One day I'll find my prince charming who will treat me like a blessing every day. But until then...I'll focus on me
It totally sneaks up on you--you are absolutely right about that.
Nobody ever thinks they are going to get into that kind of situation. You have the opportunity to STOP it now before it gets bad or you are trapped.
Walk away and don't look back.0 -
Wow.
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Wow.
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Classic typical behavior of an abusive controller. You have to walk on eggshells to not piss him off, you can't have men friends, your behavior upsets him and he blames you for his response.
You would really be better off without this guy. No good ever comes of a relationship like this one.
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm
Agreed, I instantly thought "emotional abuse" when I read this.
Any guy who "wants you to feel his pain" is abusive and manipulative.
I know it's hard but you need to cut this guys out of your life. In 10 year you will be happy you did
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OK, so your EX is pissed that you're possibly, maybe, sorta, might, be flirting with someone? He's reading your messages? How does he even have access to your private conversations in the first place? And why the frick would he even care?
Tell him you need your space and that you and he are just friends, nothing more. If he acts like a dick, CUT CONTACT. Move on. I've known and dated guys like this in my younger years, they are not worth half the effort you're putting in. If he ended the relationship, or if you did, or if it was mutual, whatever, it's OVER. Get back to your life
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JazzKazz150 wrote: »Thank you to everyone who has posted! Honestly, i've been so overwhelmed with emotions. I cant believe that this was a relationship that was considered verbally/emotionally abusive, but you all are right. It's scary...I always told myself that I would never get into an abusive relationship but I guess it sneaks up on you...One person posted something about feeling like i was "walking on eggshells" around him, and that is completely 100% true. He always tells me that i can tell him anything and he'll accept me no matter what, but whenever i do tell him something, it ends up with him being mad at me...There's no trust. A lover or friend shouldn't make me feel like apologizing for breathing, and tbh i have no idea why he's so mad when i've never even hung out with my friend after classes, yet he can study with a girl alone and chill with one alone too...wow...how hypocritical. I'm very headstrong about how i feel, but to see how he emotionally black mails me is scary. It will be awhile before I date, but then again I'm in no rush...I know i shouldn't think of all guys as the same, but it will be hard to offer letting my walls down again. I'll give back everything he has given me and focus my emotions towards working out and getting healthier...I just hope I don't fall for his attempt to get me back this time. Once again, thank you all so much. You all don't understand how much you've helped me become more aware. One day I'll find my prince charming who will treat me like a blessing every day. But until then...I'll focus on me
Sorry for the dbl post, just saw your response. Thank goodness you found some things here that opened your eyes. Esspecially the whole 'he can be alone with girls' part. Yea, that's not fair. He wants to keep you on a leash while he does whatever he wants, free and clear. Don't take him back, this will only happen again in the future if you do, and it'll escalate and be much worse next time. Stay strong.0 -
An obvious, classic, typical abuser. This is probably the only type of relationship dynamics he is capable of so don't fool yourself that he will change. Cold turkey is the way to go.
You said he had past relationships and you hadn't. I wonder if you realize how easy it is to exploit the insecurities and inexperience of a person with no previous relationships. You were not a fool, you were in a vulnerable situation and he took advantage.
It was a lesson, you hopefully learned it, count yourself blessed because many, many people end up in abusive marriages with people like him and it gets so much harder and injuring to try and undo the damage.
Just hoping you come reread all this if/when he tries to make you take him back and wishing you good luck!0
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