Relationship problem (don't know where else to post)

helenarriaza

I was you a couple years ago. It was my first relationship too. Dump him and cut all connections to him, otherwise he'll keep on creeping back into your life.

Also, if you are scared to talk to him, how can you love him?

amusedmonkey

I will second that you revisit this thread every time you feel like talking to him again. Abusive people have a way of manipulating you into feeling guilty about even considering leaving. Don't fall for that. Stay strong and check back every now and then if you feel like you are losing your strength or about to give in.

annied1961

I'm sorry for your anguish.
Growing up is challenging.
You are so young.
You are going to make lots of mistakes that's
how we all learn.
But some mistakes rob us of TIME.
And you can ever get it back.
Be kind to yourself, be kind to others
and don't be a doormat for any man!
Make boundaries for yourself
and don't break them for any reason
Then youll finally see how much Love you have to give.
Happiness is an inside job!
He's not the right guy-Move On -Summer's coming!
Good Luck!

peachyfuzzle

This is going to be long, so forgive me...

Since this guy doesn't seem too stable, and you say that you're clueless along with being inexperienced in relationships, I'll tell you a story about what I had to do to get away from an ex who exhibited the same behaviors when I was about the same age.

When I was 19, I dated a girl who was super controlling, emotional, jealous, suspicious, untrusting, etc. etc. We were together for a year, and a half. Looking back at it thirteen years later, she was an absolute ball of mess, but it is extremely difficult to see in from the outside when you're currently living the situation.

She alienated me from my friends because she hated them. She alienated me from my family because she hated them. She alienated me from work because she hated it. She hated anything, and everything that meant I wouldn't be at her side every second of every day. If I was not with her every minute of free time I had, or if I even acted like I wanted some time alone, she automatically thought that I couldn't stand her, or that I was cheating on her, and I would have to console her for hours while she cried. Either that, or she would scream at me while I sat there looking like a scorned child. After a while, she even began threatening to hurt herself.

Of course, this all happened very slowly over the course of the first six months, and by that time, she had me so wrapped up that I felt like I was going to suffocate.

My friends, family, and workmates all tried to tell me to get rid of her, but because I had basically zero self-worth, I stuck with her thinking I couldn't do any better. So, over the course of the next year, I did what every person in an abusive relationship does, and played down everything using excuses like "You just don't know her like I know her," and "She really isn't like that when we're alone" even though they did, and she was.

Here is the part that I wanted to share, just in case it happens to you because I most certainly as EFF was not prepared for it myself at that age:

Finally, I had enough. We had broken up a couple of times, but got back together. During the last time we started the relationship, she would mention quite often that she would kill herself if we ever broke up again. The first time she said it, my heart stopped. It was like she had said "Oh, here you go... my life is now in your hands, and you're responsible for whatever happens to me." At the same time, she promised that things would get better while apologizing for being the way she was over, and over, and over, and over again. Things would be better for a day, or a week, and then everything would fall apart. It was a neverending cycle.

I knew that something drastic had to be done to get myself out of that relationship, and I might have gone off the deep end a bit, but I applied to a college 300 miles away, got accepted, made all of my moving plans, and packed all of my stuff without letting her know. She had neither any recourse, nor could she control the situation whatsoever. When I told her, she just sat there sobbing. I felt like a horrid p.o.s., but looking at the bigger picture at the time, I knew that it would be the best thing I could do for my own life. I broke up with her the day before I left, and moved away. She didn't follow through on any of the empty threats she threw at me, and to my knowledge, she is still alive today.

This turned out to be WAY longer than I had intended, but what you should be taking out of it is that controlling/abusive people who feel as though they have some right to another person's life will do/say absolutely anything to maintain that control when they think it is slipping away. This guy might not take the whole "I'm going to kill myself" route, but he could try to retain control in a thousand other ways, some of which include threats of violence toward you, or your friends/family. If that happens, contact the police immediately. Apart from that though, the only way to get away from those people is to sever all ties in one fell swoop, and never look back.

You say this guy is still your best friend, and your first love. Well, let me tell you something that you've probably heard a thousand times already, but is worth saying again... friends, and people who love you don't treat you in such a way.

To sum it up, Immanuel Kant said my sentiment best: "act so as to treat people always as ends in themselves, never as mere means." Don't cheapen yourself, or your existence by allowing yourself to be someone else's means to an end. Instead, realize your value, and be the end that others strive to become by any means necessary.