Dating while being fat

Nina74

This is going to sound really pathetic, so PLEASE someone kick my a** back into gear.

How do you guys deal with dating while being fat (in my case, yes, fat!)/dieting, etc? Avoid it? Don't bother?

Long story short, I was with this guy for 4 years, during which time I gained a lot of weight (lost my job twice due to economy, other stresses) and last fall he literally "jumped ship" while I had no job and was at rock bottom (and I proceeded to gain another 25 lbs. Can we say emotional eating?)

Inside, I know I'm a really great, fun, intelligent person with a lot to offer someone, but my outside doesn't match my inside. I'm working on that. I've made a strong commitment to myself, I have a good job now, etc and I'm generally very confident in most things about myself...except my weight. I know right now I'm not interested in another relationship, but I still like companionship from time to time. I've dated a few people, some that it's been ok, others there are no sparks. It's been nice to focus on me, working out, eating healthy, eat and still have someone fun to hang out with one weekend night.

I had met someone a few weeks back and he was so nice & sweet. (Truly. Trust me, I'm the BIGGEST cynic ever!) He very strongly pursued me and complimented me so much (told me I was drop dead gorgeous, how sweet and beautiful I was, and I believed him). I knew he had a lot of baggage coming into it.. Perfect. We chatted every day and finally met and completely hit it off, but at the end of the night, I knew something was wrong. I, obviously, thought it was my weight. We've talked since then and he basically said he's not ready for even friendly relationship because of his own demons and issues. I appreciate his honesty.

Then why do I feel so much like crap? I really felt like this was the first person in a LONNNNG time to see the inside beautiful me and accept it, even though he knew I am working on the outside. I guess that seems to hurt worse than someone who just reject me "because I'm fat". I keep telling myself it's not me, but he made me feel like I was beautiful, regardless of weight, which I admire a man who will like you when you're 120 lbs or 300 lbs.

Sorry for going on and on.

durbanski

Just be confident in the idea that you are changing who you are into who you want to be. Master that and the rest will fall into place I met my fiancee at my near fattest. Weird things happen when least expected

cobygrey

\WOW

You almost sound as though you feel like you don't DESERVE to have a meaningful relationship because you're overweight.

Can I speak frankly?

Get a grip! You deserve, and can have a meaningful relationship as a fat chick! Stop taking the blame for every relationship that goes south! Even the most beautiful Skinny girls have failed relationships. (Halle Berry)

Come on girlfriend. Stay in the game!

spaul82478

ITs not easy, and being over weight almost my entire life.. I felt just as you do today. Men suck.. Well most of them. I wasn't looking for my fiance, but being the biggest I have been he asked me to marry him. True beauty is really in who we are. So you sound like a very positve and wonderfly nice person, so just be patient, and remember loose for your self.. not anyone else..I have been at this a few months now, (AGAIN) and am sticking to it. I changed the way I eat, look at thngs, and at my "SKINNY" friends. I have a lot harder time looseing weight than most, it seems your in the same boat. I hope this guy dont discourage you, KEEP WORKING, and remember its a life change for yourself, and once you can accpet yourself, then you can loose weight and not let others intimidate you... GOOD LUCK ON YOUR JOURNEY :bigsmile:

Nina74

Thank you. I need the encouragement AND to be told to get back into the game. My weight and self esteem (like so many of us) are tied together. I'm definitely doing it this time for ME because I want to get healthy. Thanks again!

Delikatz

{{hug}} No easy answers. Focus on your positives, and work to fix the "not so positives" Best of luck hun.

HealthyChanges2010

From the sounds of what you've shared I have to agree it sounds like you don't feel you're worthy. I think working on yourself, inside and out and hangin with the gf's right now and meeting ppl at the gym to hang out for workouts might just keep you plenty busy.

If you feel it's all about your 'fat' (some do and they aren't actually fat and this would still apply), whether it is or it isn't, it WILL BE. We believe things into being that's how strong our thoughts are, they become actions.

I think it sounds like you're in the right place in your life at the moment. MFP, making it about you, pampering yourself and not expecting it all to come from a man. You were with a guy for 4 years and he dumped you, what like 6 months back? My thoughts are time to take a break and sort out why the inside girl feels unworthy and begin to love her up before jumping back to another man!.:flowerforyou:

Becca:flowerforyou:

ican♥and♥iwill

My weight loss started when I found out my husband was cheating on me.

So did my dating life...

Needless to say, I'm still single and I'm still working on ME.

Quite honestly, you have to LOVE yourself first before anyone else can. Cliche, I know. But so very true. When I was still a much bigger girl (280 lbs and still super effing awesome!) I dated A LOT, a few stuck around for more than a few weeks, but nothing bloomed into a relationship. I also had A LOT of casual sex, (note: I'm definitely not bragging!! I've realized that was due to my insecurities and the need to feel "sexy")

Failed attempts at relationships + casual sex + plus fat chick with emotional issues = Not a good combo.

The truth is, it wasn't my weight that was the problem. It was MY issue with my weight. It was ME. (It's still me!:o)

I've since taken a break from dating. I'm working really hard to become the person (physically) that I want to become, and when your emotions are involved with another person, I find it's hard to do that.

So maybe take a break from find a man, and work on YOU. Not saying your imperfect at all, but clearly YOU have a issue with your weight that you need to deal with? (That sounds harsh, like I'm calling names, but I'm not. I'm speaking on an emotional level.)


On a funny note: I read a comment the other day, "Men are like blenders. We all feel like we NEED one, but once we get it, we forget what exactly we needed it for" It made me giggle.

cobygrey

Well, said~

rad007

8 lbs down is good start......Don't recourse because of anyone..your on track girlee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

xTattooedDollx

Please let me kick your *kitten*! First you have to realize you're hot at any size! And so many men love BBWs! Trust me! I'm fat and I date all the time! Check out a BBW club and you will see how hot and how you deserve a great man!

HealthyChanges2010

never mind:laugh:

Nina74

I can: perfectly said. No one ever said it that way before, but that is a HUGE problem: it's MY problem. Now that I think of it, I've let it define me, and it really doesn't at all. I have a lot of soul searching to do! Thanks everyone. You all ROCK!

Paul76

Absolutely get in that dating game. Be confident and put yourself out there, it's fun and there's little to lose.

Good luck!!

sunnysmile

A man is attracted to two things, so I've been told ... a smile and feed them.

It's been my experience men are attracted to someone confident and who is happy. If you meet a man who wouldn't like you for who you are inside and only wants a slimmer model then you wouldn't want him, he wouldn't be loving you. There are plenty of men who are attracted to not only the inside but to a curvy, overweight woman. I know, I married one.

Go out, have fun, and most of all don't ever be embarassed by being heavy. You are who you are, and that's good enough!

Most people remember personality more than body anyway, and after someone knows you that's all they see anyway.

OpalFruitJam

It has made me a lot more savvy.
People always said- it's what inside that counts etc etc. But many people who didn't find me attractive before, suddenly tried it on with me when I lost weight.

Rather than being flattered- I was horrified. These people knew me very well and had always told me I was a lovely person etc, but they didn't find my attractive- boom I lose weight and they decide they have feelings for me.

Never be with someone who only bases thier feelings for you on your appearance.
I am much happier alone than with someone who finally 'released' I was attractive once the weight was going....

Men who don't care at all are worth waiting for and you deserve that ^_^

infobabe

Yeah everyone is changing every day and as long as you are doing something about it HE should give you credit. It is a good point to bring up because men need SEX and they say bellfat can actually affect your sex life; and men are visual so I guess it just depends on what your future bf/date wants. I believe feeling sexy is an attitude and state of mind and the way you use your mind as well as your body makes a difference. I've been hurt too in the past I'm at the point where I just want to settle down though.

hkystar

I have always been a fat chick. I didnt date much after 2 failed long term relationships. About 3 years ago, I got a new job and spent 6 months getting my bearings, and then dated quite frequently for about 1.5 years. I thought at first who will wanna date someone who looks like me, but that didnt seem to be a problem. Sure I met some duds and I met some studs. Some cared about my weight, but I still didnt have a lot of problems finding a date (or getting laid - which was not what i was looking for). I met my current love and he has been there to see me at my heaviest. He has been very supportive of my desire to lose weight (as long as its for myself/my health). Its very hard to believe sometimes, but I do know he thinks I am beautiful just the way I am.

You can still date, there are plenty of guys out there who will love you just as you are. Dont let a fear of rejection because of your size stop you from getting out there. You are a beautiful woman and dont forget it!

dj_stevie_c

If you think you're bad. You 'ain't got nothing on me

From a guys standpoint that is.

I actually feel that I'm of no worth to anyone. I've been single for 6 years, my partner at that time got with me when I was smaller and both of us went up a lot in weight when we were together, we tried to diet but nothing ever worked. We ended up splitting up but stayed friends, we stopped seeing each other for the right reasons.

To pad the story within two weeks she had another boyfriend which was tricky as I was in the bedroom next door.... Who I hated, I think I ended up just shutting myself away and going into a depressed state. I moved out a month or two later, she broke up with the guy (thank goodness) and got together with this other guy.

She's now married to him with a beautiful baby boy and I was best man for her hubby at their wedding.

I'm a DJ, I have confidence when I play music, I'm told I get a lot of attention but am the only DJ who never takes advantage of it, and that's because I can't believe that anyone would ever find me attractive. I have been on one date and it felt like the girl had a ring on my finger by the end of the evening, which scared me. I always feel that if anything 'happens' I will only disappoint so I end up not chasing and even turning away those who make nice comments.

Oh and to top it all off, in my of my clubs if I even hear some guy dropping a chat up line on a girl it makes me cringe, how do people let themselves get away with that kind of thing? Anyway. You get the idea. Pretty pathetic eh?

I'm not too worried though, I know if something's going to happen it will happen

Opera_Bound

*hugs* Thank you for such a vulnerable post. Your post struck home with me as I've been dealing with the same sort of issues as well. Here's a bit about my story and the advice I've come across....

My last 'relationship' ended in 2006, as a sophomore in college. I was about the size that I am currently (230) and due to some high hurtful and inappropriate comments my ex said about me, it really messed with my mind. On top of a tight budget and school stress - I let my weight get out of control gaining another 30 lbs in the next 2 years. I 'dated' a few guys between summer '06-Dec '08 - but like IwillandIcan said - nothing blossomed and it was more to feel good about myself. I *needed* that reassurance that I was worth it - all the while, I was really just trying to cover up the hurt and rejection I kept feeling.

In Dec of 2008, I met a guy that truly changed my way of thinking. I had begun my 'revamp Colleen' process in October (yes, that's what I called it! Gym time, MFP, etc.) and was still in the early stages of motivation. For some reason, I felt I could be very open with this guy and we talked about everything! He made me realize that I am worth it (not without a few nights of tears) and to not SETTLE simply because 'everyone else is doing it.' Now, the sad part to this story is that I fell hard for him, but of course it certainly didn't work out (due to his Navy career and me moving for graduate school - it was a dead end before it started). BUT - him telling me (repeatedly) that I am worth it and that I DESERVE so much more really struck home with me. A man had never said that to me, but now, I believe it with all my heart.

I'm no where near my goal weight, physical fitness level, or consistant habits that will help me continue the new healthy lifestyle. But I took a LOT of time to sit and think about WHY I was making these changes. It's not for a man, but for me. Although I let the last year slip away with other distractions (working two jobs and the tedious process of applying to graduate school) from my weight loss, I'm PROUD to report that the distractions were not men. Yes, I've been on a FEW dates, but I knew prior that I wouldn't let myself give in to a tiny spark and the moment. Be true to yourself and embrace all that is wonderful about you. I know it's hard - especially if it seems as though ALL of your friends are getting married and poppin out babies! You can do this, but you have to do it for YOU. For your health and your future - take this time to be SELFISH. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, it's the best thing for you right now. And just be content that it's more than likely going to take a while.

A mentor and teacher of mine mentioned that she once was a memeber of Over Eaters Annoymous. When I spoke to her about my situation with the guy mentioned above, she said that in the meetings, they stressed the imporatance of dealing with your weight loss and changes ALONE (if single coming into it, if married - i have no idea!). Don't date, don't engage in physical relationships for at the very least a YEAR. I thought to myself - "A year? Yea right lady, times have changed!" But, although I have done both of the things above, I've been a lot more careful with my emotions and the intensity of said actions. So, maybe there's some truth in her statement. Surround yourself with great examples, friends, and support systems. Pick up a new hobby or craft that makes you feel good and is a productive way to spend your time.

I'm so sorry this is so long, but I truly wish you the BEST of luck on your journey! Feel free to add me as a friend if you need a buddy! :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

Opera_Bound

Please let me kick your *kitten*! First you have to realize you're hot at any size! And so many men love BBWs! Trust me! I'm fat and I date all the time! Check out a BBW club and you will see how hot and how you deserve a great man!

I also have a personal issue with the BBW club - yes, I'm a BBW right now, but I've met some men that strictly only date BIG girls. To me, that seems just as bad as a guy who only wants to date the skinny girls. I'd fear that once I continued to lose the weight, a man that liked me as a BBW might not enjoy a 'less curvy' version of me and would be just as quick to dump me as a man would if I were to gain a lot of weight. *shrugs* I suppose it's just a hard balance.

aippolito1

Your weight is NOT to blame. Maybe the first guy left because you're fat...but that's not your fault. Yes, it's your fault you're fat...but it's his fault for being a shallow a$$ho|e if I may say so.

There's a difference between taking responsibility for our actions (over eating, not exercising, whatever it is) but it's another to BLAME ourselves and take the burden of OTHERS' complete lack of class and dignity.

I don't really have any advice other than to just say I think right now you need to work on you. And I don't mean the outside. You need to come to terms that you deserve a loving, HEALTHY relationship where the man appreciates you, loves you, dotes on you, and adores you, JUST as you are now. Not fifty less pounds from now... not a new haircut from now. Just now. I believe every good person deserves love...not because we did anything to deserve it, but just because we are existing. We were made to love. We were created with the absense of love so it could be filled. Adam was the first person on the earth and didn't know anything and yet, he was still lonely, so God created him a wife.

There's no reason why you shouldn't be happy in the arms of a man... and there's also no reason for you to think otherwise. So please see that this guy who pursued you and then told you he wasn't ready... maybe he's the one and it's just not the right time. Maybe it's just an instance where you needed your eyes opened to the fact that you can be loved and appreciated in the right way.

Paul76

People are attracted to confidence regardless of body size. Although never "skinny" or "in shape", I've always been pretty confident and did my share of dating. I was in a band for about 7 years and you really notice it there - if you can play and sing, it doesn' t matter what you look like, women will find you appealing.

There's definitely someone for everyone!

ican♥and♥iwill

People are attracted to confidence regardless of body size. Although never "skinny" or "in shape", I've always been pretty confident and did my share of dating. I was in a band for about 7 years and you really notice it there - if you can play and sing, it doesn' t matter what you look like, women will find you appealing.

There's definitely someone for everyone!

I agree with this 100%. I dated a lot when I was bigger, I had this confident appearence, but it was all a show. Underneath I wasn't really happy with myself though, I just wanted people to think I was.

You have to be HAPPY and LOVE yourself in order to find and maintain and healthy relationship.

I think the OP has a lot of soul searching and self-reconstruction to do before she should jump back into the dating game. JMO though.

shaggys

Hey!You sound like a smart girl-men are like busses,if you miss one there is always another on the way.
Someone out there will love you just the way you are.I personally prefer a man with a couple extra pounds than just skin and bones...not everyone expects perfection
Keep working out and counting calories-focus on yourself and your career.Not to become what you think someone else would want,but for your own health and well being.Every thing else will eventually fall in place.
Good luck:flowerforyou:

popplylily

oh my!!! i never got asked out.. im so jealous of the whole us dating thing.. i mean its so skipped over over here..
you make out then your dating and thats that.. wheres the romance gone over here? xxx

mmshadell

Your as beautiful as you think you are- The right man will love you no matter what you weigh. My boyfriend is wonderful- when we started dating i was 20lbs lighter-( i joke that love made me gain) I'm the one having the issues with my weight gain- hes fine with it. He tells me everyday that he can't tell ive gained. Love must truely be blind- lol. Whatever your size you deserve to be treated like a queen!!!

infobabe

What great posts and good topic! I'm going to quit being so hard on myself then.

Sapptastic

Ok maybe I am living in lala land or something but I think I am the best thing since sliced bread! If you don't like it the next one will. As imperfect as I am, I have perfected being me! I make no apologies. I have not had a problem in the dating world. I am very confident in who I am and how I want to be treated. Just anyone can't be on my team. You have to earn your spot on my roster.

My surgeon told me at my pre-op appointment to remind him at the end of the visit to talk about my weight. I asked "what doc you want to know how to get this fine?"

My journey in weight loss and managment is for me. To be healther. No for my doctor to write it in my chart like he has done something. Not to impress a man. Not to be liked more or fit in a size two. Everyone has their own battles to deal with.

It is all in how you carry yourself.

As of April I am a breast cancer survivor and my lala land has turned into a lala world! lol I love me some me. Be yourself, everyone else is taken.

aippolito1

oh my!!! i never got asked out.. im so jealous of the whole us dating thing.. i mean its so skipped over over here..
you make out then your dating and thats that.. wheres the romance gone over here? xxx

haha Same here! He asked me to "hang out" after work and we did... then asked me to a movie the next night and since I didn't have a car, just kept coming over to my apartment every night that week. After about a week and a half, I was like "What do you consider us?" 'cause I had no idea! He was like, "I consider us together" and that was that!

HealthyChanges2010

Ok maybe I am living in lala land or something but I think I am the best thing since sliced bread! If you don't like it the next one will. As imperfect as I am, I have perfected being me! I make no apologies. I have not had a problem in the dating world. I am very confident in who I am and how I want to be treated. Just anyone can't be on my team. You have to earn your spot on my roster.

My surgeon told me at my pre-op appointment to remind him at the end of the visit to talk about my weight. I asked "what doc you want to know how to get this fine?"

My journey in weight loss and managment is for me. To be healther. No for my doctor to write it in my chart like he has done something. Not to impress a man. Not to be liked more or fit in a size two. Everyone has their own battles to deal with.

It is all in how you carry yourself.

As of April I am a breast cancer survivor and my lala land has turned into a lala world! lol I love me some me. Be yourself, everyone else is taken.

Beautifully put, by a very beautiful woman, your heart & soul shines through your post and anyone would be lucky to be a friend with you. You put off such positive energy Sapptastic :flowerforyou:

Becca