350lbs and hate what I've done to myself

mom4tav

My name is Carrie.. I'm a wife, mother and run my own photography business. And I hate what I've done to myself!

For the past several years, I've been really struggling with loneliness, isolation and food addiction. Recently, while dealing with my husband's addiction to pain meds (he was hit by a drunk driver many years ago and suffers from chronic back pain) I've discovered that I abuse food in the same way my husband abuses his prescription medication. We get the same cravings, same anxiety, same relief.. and during these past few years while trying to help him, I've let myself go.

My husband is now on a better track and getting the help he needs, and I'm ready too. I'm tired of making excuses and I'm ready to take action. I want to live a healthy life, full of travel, new experiences, people and food.. yes.. even food, but I need help learning how to make the right choices, how to plan ahead, how not to be an emotional eater, and most of all, learn how to forgive myself for destroying my body and wasting so much of my life.

I actually started gaining weight after I moved out of my parent's home at the age of 18. I blamed my lifestyle for the weight gain...not knowing how to cook, eating fast food, not having to answer to anyone! The weight came on quickly and by the time I was married at 22, I was 275lbs. I stayed at that weight thru 2 pregnancies and for many years. In 2006 or 2007, I lost 35 lbs by logging in my food everyday and planning my meals. I kept it up for about 3 months and people started noticing and commenting on the weight loss. And almost overnight, I stopped! I was so disappointed in myself, and yet I was the reason for stopping my good progress. I never understood that and still dont. I gained the weight back and then some and ended up 300lbs. I though I had reached my peak. I stayed at that weight for several years and then in 2008, my husband lost his job.. we lost everything and had to start over. I took my photography hobby and created a business while my husband fell into deeper depression and sickness. 2 years ago, at its very worst, I left my husband and we separated for several months. During this separation, I realized that my husband wasn't the only one out of control.. I was too, only with food.. I had gained another 50lbs and was now the heaviest I had ever been!

My husband found the professional help he needed and is doing so much better and we have reconciled. I've made an appointment to get a physical (have been avoiding the doctor for years) and figure that's a good starting point for me. I started logging in my food here 2 days ago. Today is my third day and I'm putting myself out there because I need help and support.

Thanks for reading and I look forward to making new connections here.

rlwilson1967

Good for you for getting started. Just start slow. Log all your food. And start walking. I have back slid on logging and being lazy about it, but I have kept up the walking. Get started and don't give yourself excuses why to not do it today. Start slow. I started walking by myself and was lucky if I could walk a 1/4 of a mile. But I have worked up to 3 miles a day. I do it in 3 different walks, a mile each.

I have finally (this week) buckled down, upped my calorie goal to something I can live with and have been staying at or just above that goal for the last 3 or 4 days. It has to be something you can live with. Too low is not going to make it.

Good luck to you!

mom4tav

thanks for the response. walking is such a good idea and a great place to start!

ellie0213

Congratulations on taking control of your life. Start with some simple goals and build up from there. Feel free to add me if you'd like. I'm here everyday.

mom4tav

Thanks for the encouragement!

zombiegirlfriend

Hi Miss Carrie! I'm Nicole and I'm a gemini! I don't know about you but I LOVE what you're doing to yourself now! You awknowledged the problem, and now you're taking steps to make yourself the BEST version of yourself! You've already already so much further than so many people in this world, and I find you inspiring! It starts with logging food and calories, and then there is this amazing "aha" moment, when you realize the more excercise you do, the more you can eat! So YOU will find that balance between healthy food choices, cardio and strength, and the occasional cheat day! The only thing that could EVER be in your way is YOU! and YOU aren't gonna let that happen!

I love that in a way, you and your husband are on this journey together! An addiction is an addiction! I don't care if you're addicted to ciggrettes, food, diet coke, or heroin! They are ALL addictive and can be horrible to control! What's tough about you and your husbands journey is the fact you can both just "Stop eating food" or "Stop taking pain medication with chronic pain" - learning to "regulate" can be more difficult than just stoping completly.

I would very much like to be your friend on MFP and watch, what I expect to be, an amazing journey! Sure it's going to be tough, and there will be days that you don't think you can do it - but you believe in you! You have a support system at home and a random stranger in Arizona thinks you are FANTASTIC!

MynameisJerryB

You can do this!! and there is no better place for motivation and encouragement. Start small with realistic goals and expectations and commit to being in it for the long haul and you will get your life back on track. Congratulations on making it this far!!

vanessafinalbattle

Wanting to do something about is the first step, don't be afraid of failure, and never give up!

Similar to you I moved away from home at an early age, I lived with ppl who ate fast food everyday. Soon before I knew it my highest weight was 255Lb at 21 years old. I know the feeling of hopelessness, embarrassment and shame. Never give up!

Start with small steps as others have already said. Mine was breakfast. I started eating oatmeal and boiled eggs as my breakfast. Then I added exercise, swimming. Slowly by slowly my diet and exercise progressed. Now I am 27 years old, 100 Lbs lighter, and continuously strength train.

Believe in yourself! You are strong, You are worth it! Don't be discouraged...you will have ups and downs.

FluffySandwich

Good on you for coming forward. I know it takes courage. Keep coming to this site and we will give you the positive energy and motivation you need to move forward It's not easy, but I know you have what it takes to turn yourself around and look and feel absolutely fabulous!!!

mildollarsmile

Hi Carrie!!!

I am so proud of you for taking this step to a healthier you! Our stories are similar with our weight struggles. My highest was 320. I got down to 248, then had endometriosis and a total hysterectomy and gained up to 285 that's when I said no more and got back on here and started logging and actually joining some of the support groups and challenges and such. I am now at 281.1 and have so much to lose but trying to set small goals. I walk an about 2 miles a day and just started doing zumba and love it. Start slow, that's what I did as well. 20-30 min walk here and there or doing Leslie Sansone WATP videos.

Make small changes in your diet as well, I have decreased the carb intake and upped my protein. Then started adding in more fruits and veggies (hard for me, not a big veggie lover) But I got this and you do too!! Stay strong and take it one day at a time. One meal at a time. and soon you will see progress and you will feel so much better!!

Good luck!
God Bless!
Mel

debronjon

Carrie, you can do this. Just take it one day/ one hour/ one minute at a time. You are worth it. Keep tells yourself that.

moonjewel76

I just started, too, and I'm not that much less than you in weight. We CAN do this. I know it. I am also addicted to food. It is an addiction, really, to a drug as well...serotonin. When we eat food (especially carbs) it releases serotonin and then we become immune, in a way (this is how a doctor described it to me, lol) and have to eat MORE in order to get the same serotonin dump. It's going to be hard, but we can do this. I'm here for support and cheerleading along the way if you need it.

annied1961

Hi Carrie: You are owning your situation-Good for you!
One day at a time-adds up!
It all starts today!
Show Yourself what you can do!

howekaren

I've struggled for years with my weight. I've gained, lost, gained, lost again, and so on. I'm currently on a losing cycle, and my only consolation is that I'm healthier and fitter and smaller that when I started. I've found logging to be essential. I started getting my health on track about 9 years ago, and it has improved but I'm far from perfect. I started out with walking 30min, 3x/week and now I play 2 hrs volleyball twice a week, 1hr cross-fit sessions at least 3 times a week, and try to lift weights and run short distances when I can. I now look forward to hikes, tennis, softball and other activities instead of avoiding exercise. You're starting the exact right way. I've had 90 off, currently at about 60 down, but since I've built a fair amount of muscle I look the same as I did when I had 75 off.

I highly recommend this book:
http://www.amazon.ca/Lose-It-Right-Brutally-3-Stage/dp/0345812468

It was amazing for me to read the physical reasons why I overeat, and why willpower isn't enough. He also explains how exercise is imperative for health, but that it can't outdo a bad diet for weight loss. Seriously, I can't like that book enough or clearly define how it helped me lose a lot of mental baggage.

Another fine resource: http://www.weightymatters.ca Dr. Yoni Freedhoff is a bariatric specialist with a common sense approach. "Your healthy weight is the weight you can sustain while living a healthy lifestyle". Note he didn't say "BMI" or "normal" but healthy. Size isn't the defining rule; health is.

Meal planning is absolutely key for many people, I'm one of them, and I'm an admitted binge eater myself. I have to remind myself that this is not a diet. This is a healthy lifestyle. No foods are forbidden. I just have to know how to plan accordingly.

And you most definitely did not waste your past life. You've had good days and bad, raised your children, helped your husband, started a business. Your weight doesn't define you. How you live your life and the kind of person you are defines you. Your weight is a side-effect of how you life your life. Start living a healthier life and your weight will follow. Lord knows it's hard, but it is doable. One day at a time, and with lots of support.

If you want someone who doesn't believe in fad diets, pseudo science, food fear-mongering, toxic cleanses and the like, feel free to add me.

sjalexander100

One of the most important aspects is you figured out what you were doing to get to where you where. That is acknowledgment and building your self confidence towards the goals you want. Always give yourself credit for every ounce you lose, it does not matter how long it takes to reach the goal, what matters is the journey and how it will change you.

ilovemypeekapug

Hi, Carrie! Thank you for opening up and sharing your story. I am going to send you a friend request. It is never too late to start making healthy choices! Best of luck....you can do this!

agbmom556

rlwilson1967 wrote: »

Good for you for getting started. Just start slow. Log all your food. And start walking. I have back slid on logging and being lazy about it, but I have kept up the walking. Get started and don't give yourself excuses why to not do it today. Start slow. I started walking by myself and was lucky if I could walk a 1/4 of a mile. But I have worked up to 3 miles a day. I do it in 3 different walks, a mile each.

*This
Walking also helps me clear my mind. Consider buying a device to help you count your daily steps and build up from there.
I am sending you a friend request.
-

hollihankins

Your insight into yourself is very refreshing! Not many have that ability to see themselves as clearly as you have. Good for you. It will serve you well in the journey ahead. It's funny (not really) how when someone starts to notice something good you're doing you stop!
I have never been able to handle positive attention either! I'm happy that you and your husband have reconciled and perhaps can take this adventure together...but if not..you stay at it. You're worth it! That's what I remind myself daily..I AM worth it. Eating correctly is soooo hard for me. My goals are to get in 30 minutes of some movement and log my food even if it is unhealthy food without all the condemnation that I heap on myself. Just trying to be kind to me and slowly reverse a lifetime of bad habits. Post encouraging sayings around the house and on your computer screen! We can do this!!

urloved33

Thank you for sharing.

Breathe, walk, breathe...breathe.

ginny92802

Welcome to this place, I am glad you are here. I was also about 350 at my heaviest. It's not easy losing weight, but it's certainly not easy being that heavy, either. I'll send you a friend request!

gerrielips

The best to you...you'll find a lot of support here. Hope that when you see your doctor, he/she will be encouraging and give good guidance.

LavenderLeaves

Hey, Carrie. I know how you feel. I'm currently 50 lbs heavier than you are...I lost 39 since January. I hit that moment where I realized I was completely crippling myself emotionally, mentally, and physically. I turned off any notion that I was going to be on a diet and realized what was going to be the real change for me would be completely changing how I viewed food and my behaviours. I don't see any food as addictive - but I DEFINITELY feel that eating in and of itself can be an addictive behaviour.

Some of us use it as a comfort and coping mechanism which causes us to feel like we have no control over ourselves and see food as the enemy. We are in control, and food is wonderful! It's a long road but for the first time in my life I have hope about my future and know that in 2 years I'll be a very different person. There's still days where I struggle, but having support here on MFP with like minded people and surrounding myself with good reading materials on binge eating disorder and emotional eating has helped A LOT. Please feel free to check out my profile and if you feel like my ideas mesh with yours, feel free to drop a request. Best of luck on your journey!

nannersp61

What a heart felt story. Thank you for bearing your soul. You are not alone here. We are here to bear each other's burdens. I have joined before, with a small amount of success. This time when I joined again, I began logging everything and decided to get involved in the Biggest Loser. A new season begins the week after next. I'm on Team Teal. There are a lot of great people on there at all stages of weight loss. They have really helped me. You can check it out by going to the Community tab then scroll down to the bottom of the page and click on Biggest Loser Season16. Or message Lisa Child lmc8009 and tell her you'd like to join.

jen7eleven

Hi!I am happy for you that you made the decision to live your life now, to the fullest. I grew up with food as a companion, and I only realized that very recently. I have always been overweight. I would always tell myself that I would try things that interested me "when I lose weight", and I would try to lose weight "tomorrow". It's a terrible cycle. Cliche as it is, right now I am taking things one day at a time and it is really helpful.

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sending over a friend request because I like your positive outlook.

MOTIMUNIYA

Hello.

I have really broken all records of being fat. At 220 lbs in a 5'3 inch frame and just 21 years on my personal watch... I think I have really abused my body. Not that I didn't try. I just am not motivated enough and I don't have enough self control. Combine that with a razor sharp brain and hence, the talent to exert myself as less as possible by using my grey matter over my body.

Anyway. I hope I derive motivation from all you awesome people. I will support all of you and I just expect less of ridicule and I will derive a bit of solace from any positivism from your end.

Please encourage me

jennifer_417

Welcome to MFP! Looks like you're in a great place to start this journey! Adding you!

Ibknute

Carrie,

You have taken the first steps necessary in acknowledging you have a problem and deciding to do something about it. Congratulations on these big milestones! I to lived in denial for many years thinking I was okay with how I was and not really caring to change. All of that changed in late September/early October last year and it has been a great journey for me so far. I started at just under 400 pounds and am 2/3 of the way to breaking through the 300 pound mark so the overall goal and plan is similar to your situation.

Seeing the doctor is important so you can find out if there are any specific issues or problems that might need to be dealt with differently than making a lifestyle change to become a healthier and better you. I am on medication right now for diabetes, blood pressure, and cholesterol. Based on my last checkup in early Feb we plan to cut the dosages in half this summer assuming the numbers continue to look good with the ultimate goal of getting completely off the meds. You may be put on some for now but that should be a goal of yours as well.

I know it has been mentioned a couple times already but be careful not to try to too much too fast. For the first month or so I focused on walking 5-6 days a week and paying attention to how much I was eating. I started logging my food as you have done but didn't try to make too many immediate changes. Getting your mind used to thinking that way will help you in the long run as you continue to make adjustments along the journey.

You can do this and your MFP friends are a great resource for support and encouragement as well as help and information. You can read more about my story on my profile and feel free to send a friend request if you would like to keep in touch on a regular basis.

Your openness and honesty will serve you well and I appreciate you sharing your story with us. Hope to talk to you soon.

Scott

mom4tav

I am so overwhelmed by the responses and I can't stop crying. I believe these are tears of relief and letting go of all of the pain that I've been keeping to myself for so long that it just feels so wonderful to hear such kind words and to be encouraged and supported and not judged! I'm just very grateful to have put it out there and in learning to receive all the blessings. I'm grateful for you all. Hope to reciprocate very soon.

Amie211

wow your story made me tear up! you already took the first step in my opinion you addressed the issue and took action! good for you! you can do ANYTHING you set your mind to!

harmar21

Good job on taking charge! Now I may be male, but I was also 350lbish back in September last year, miserable and disgusted with myself. 6.5 months later and as of this morning I am 282. If you told me 7 months ago that in 5 months I would be below 300 lbs, and in 7 months almost 280 I would have been thinking "yeah right, go sell your snake oil to someone else". If I can do it, anyone can do it. I wish I would have started years ago.

My profile pic is from 5 months ago. My face is so much thinner now then in this pic.

cheekitty

Your story sounds so much like mine. My highest point was 380, and when I found that out, I went home and threw up. (Then got comfort food, because... hey, it worked all my life, right?)

I've seen some really remarkable success stories on these forums, and if you need a friend that's walking the same road you are, feel free to shoot me a request. (I ended up having bariatric surgery for myself, but I have seen a lot of people that have managed it simply with logging their food and getting active. There's hope!)