controlling partners.

BenchPressingCats

Just shut up and do as I say.

whierd

Just shut up and do as I say.

alliemarie77

I had two of those....

The first one didn't want me talking to anyone but him. Once he seen me talking to a friend, and he came up to me yelling in my face. So, I broke up with him right then and there. He started stalking me, and a group of really good guy friends made it clear that he needed to move on.

The second one was great at first. Carrying my books home from school. Doing anything for me, and was really sweet. One day he decides that we need to have sex to keep our relationship spicy. When I wouldn't have sex with him he got violent and bit me. I fought him off, and told him that it wouldn't happen until I was ready. Well, over the next few months things got worse. If I was talking to someone he would kiss me hard mid sentence so I couldn't finnish talking. He kicked me across a room because someone asked me to get them something. He told me to tell them to get it their self, and I told him no. When I went to stand up he kicked me and I went flying. He started calling me names in front of my friends to try to embarrass me. When I would ignore him he would punch me or bite me.

One day I was in a bad mood, and I told him I didn't feel like being bother. I just wanted to sit alone. So he grabbed me up in a choke hold. My feet were off the ground. I grabbed a handful of his stomach, squeezed it as hard as I could, and twisted it till he dropped me. Then I jumped up, and swung my fist as hard as I could as I spun around. I punched him so hard in the cheek he fell. I screamed I want nothing else to do with you ever again at him, and I ran home. He got friends, his sisters, and even his Aunt to try to talk me into giving him another shot. I showed them bruises, and told them things he had done to me. I never looked back.

glovepuppet

there's mopr than one type of control freak though. you get your bullies, emotional blackmailers, passive aggressives.
in the past i've dated guys who tried those methods, failed, went completely insane. suicide, addection, assault, etc.
these days, wouldn't stay one minute with a guy who even tried to undermine my self esteem or who threw tantrums.

...on the other hand, i'm quite content to have the right guy control pretty much every aspect of my life.

anemoneprose

by about the middle of our relationship, my ex and i were in a constant battle of wills. he wanted to do what he wanted to do, that's it. the things he wanted to do were not the same things that made me feel comfortable or safe. he didn't accept my input as equal to his own, and took it as a challenge to his - what, will, authority, idk - rather than a mutual exchange of goodwill. resented accommodating my comfort or interests, if they conflicted with his.

i sometimes gave in for the sake of peace. those times, i think he hated me even more.

can't say he was ill-intentioned, exactly. he even supported me, around certain goals. but then again, his support was like, "you should do this, this way*" and not "hey, whatever you want to do, however you want to do it, is good with me". did not trust my decisions. did not respect my mind.

i know he's happy with someone who's basically decent now, so it's not like he's incapable of compromise. we were a bad match, temperamentally. and i'm not sure he ever loved me. i think some 'dominant' men will give up control for a woman they love.

edit: glovepuppet - my guy TOTALLY threw tantrums.

DalekBrittany

...on the other hand, i'm quite content to have the right guy control pretty much every aspect of my life.

I think a lot of people don't understand this concept. For instance, I ask my fiance before I buy something. I ask him before I go somewhere. I ask him if I can do a lot of things and lots of people think that it's because he's controlling. What they don't consider is 1.) that it's not "Can I go out with my friend on Friday?" it's, "I'm going out with a friend Friday, is that okay?" I am not asking his permission, per se, I am double checking that we didn't have anything to do that day. It's not "Can I buy lunch?" it's, "I'm buying lunch, is that okay?" because I don't control the finances at all and I have no idea if we have money for that and 2.) he extends the same courtesy to me. We run things by each other. My mother hates that. She'll ask me something and I'll say "Let me run that by Nick" and she rolls her eyes. Or I'll tell her, well let me ask Nick if I have the money for that. She HATES that I "let him" have control of the finances, but fact is I have NO interest in doing that! We share our finances, but he controls them and it is one thing we never fight about! lol.

glovepuppet

edit: glovepuppet - my guy TOTALLY threw tantrums.

my ex threw tantrums that would turn into sulks that lasted for days. weeks even. often over sex.
he's a decent guy, a great dad, his heart was always in the right place but...
i find it near impossible to respect or desire a person who is using toddler tactics.

i think i brought out the worst in him. his new mrs seems a far better match.

JustAboutDelicious_wechanged

Just shut up and do as I say.

Yes, sir!

TheBaileyHunter

I was married to one for 11 years. I married young and at a point where I was still wiling to subjugate me and my needs to make him happy. Unfortunately this set the tone and expectations for our marriage.

By the end I had one friend and even talking to her on the phone regularly was an issue. I wasn't allowed to work outside the home unless it was part time and I had to be out of there BAM no five minutes late leaving or it was a stressful ride with a pissy man.

We tried marriage counselling but the bottom line, he viewed me as a possession & an employee, and I had facilitated that for too many years for him to change that thinking.

We got a divorce , remained friends first for the kids and then just because we did actually like each other, and about 5 years later he apologised for the way he treated me. Said that he realised he didn't treat me fairly and I deserved better.

Cool.

Second controlling relationship I was in after that was simply because he was crazy jealous. Like CRAZY, STALKER JEALOUS. I ended that for my health and safety.

anemoneprose

edit: glovepuppet - my guy TOTALLY threw tantrums.

my ex threw tantrums that would turn into sulks that lasted for days. weeks even. often over sex.
he's a decent guy, a great dad, his heart was always in the right place but...
i find it near impossible to respect or desire a person who is using toddler tactics.

god, so familiar. mine would scream, throw things, or hide in bed with a bloody 'tummy ache'. and yeah it would last weeks, there'd be quiet, simmering anger between the blow-outs. we'd have to eat dinner and try to live through that. i know i felt nauseous almost all the time.

and agree.

i think i brought out the worst in him. his new mrs seems a far better match.

same here..

it's all about the fit. things go wrong when people don't work together, but want to pretend they can.

glovepuppet

...on the other hand, i'm quite content to have the right guy control pretty much every aspect of my life.

I think a lot of people don't understand this concept. For instance, I ask my fiance before I buy something. I ask him before I go somewhere. I ask him if I can do a lot of things and lots of people think that it's because he's controlling. What they don't consider is 1.) that it's not "Can I go out with my friend on Friday?" it's, "I'm going out with a friend Friday, is that okay?" I am not asking his permission, per se, I am double checking that we didn't have anything to do that day. It's not "Can I buy lunch?" it's, "I'm buying lunch, is that okay?" because I don't control the finances at all and I have no idea if we have money for that and 2.) he extends the same courtesy to me. We run things by each other. My mother hates that. She'll ask me something and I'll say "Let me run that by Nick" and she rolls her eyes. Or I'll tell her, well let me ask Nick if I have the money for that. She HATES that I "let him" have control of the finances, but fact is I have NO interest in doing that! We share our finances, but he controls them and it is one thing we never fight about! lol.

sounds like my mother! she's finally quit trying to talk me into her POV now, thank zeus.

Cp731

Hate that Im answering this. :explode:
I honestly only know of 1 guy that Id allow to do that to me.
Its not the norm, I know, but what ever "it is" about him, I liked it that way.
Here's what I found tho....
No matter what I did it was never good enough
He always remained a mystery
I would have done anything to be w/him/He did not reciprocate those feelings
All in All.. I will never know. That's what hurts the most.
Would I persue him again. Yes. Im sick like that.

You asked. :blushing:

glovepuppet

Hate that Im answering this. :explode:
I honestly only know of 1 guy that Id allow to do that to me.
Its not the norm, I know, but what ever "it is" about him, I liked it that way.
Here's what I found tho....
No matter what I did it was never good enough
He always remained a mystery
I would have done anything to be w/him/He did not reciprocate those feelings
All in All.. I will never know. That's what hurts the most.
Would I persue him again. Yes. Im sick like that.

You asked. :blushing:

ouch! shall we blame it all on pheromones? some cruel trick of mother nature.

it doesn't sound like much fun at all.

Cp731

Hate that Im answering this. :explode:
I honestly only know of 1 guy that Id allow to do that to me.
Its not the norm, I know, but what ever "it is" about him, I liked it that way.
Here's what I found tho....
No matter what I did it was never good enough
He always remained a mystery
I would have done anything to be w/him/He did not reciprocate those feelings
All in All.. I will never know. That's what hurts the most.
Would I persue him again. Yes. Im sick like that.

You asked. :blushing:

ouch! shall we blame it all on pheromones? some cruel trick of mother nature.

it doesn't sound like much fun at all.

No, Not really.

Sparklingfire

I had a really controlling friend she demanded all of my time and would get upset when she didn't have it or when I spent time with someone else.

Cameron_1969

Am I controlling day to day. .naaaa. . I think controlling guys are tools. . Let your girl be who she is. .

At night? . . .well. .

BeachGingerOnTheRocks

Only okay during sexy time. If I allow it.

michellemybelll

At night? . . .well. .

yes..? i'm listening...

:blushing:

glovepuppet

I had a really controlling friend she demanded all of my time and would get upset when she didn't have it or when I spent time with someone else.

I only think about parents & partners when I imagine controlling relationships. It didn't even occur to me, until reading this thread, that adults would treat their friends this way too.

pcastagner

Very disappointed, thought it would be a thread with tips on how to control partners.