Did I do something wrong?? (Relationship problem)
onlyadrizzle
Posts: 60 Member
in Chit-Chat
I'm currently in college right now and my friend and I saw some guys from the college basketball team and so we got a picture with them. In the picture I'm standing in front of them so we aren't touching. In my mind I just wanted a picture with these guys because they're over 7 ft tall (how often do you get to see that??) and they're kind of like mini celebrities in our minds. Well I tell my boyfriend, who is deployed, about it and he is furious with me and starts saying he didn't think I was like that and just starts calling me a hoe and a *kitten* over and over again and now is on the verge of wanting to break up after 2.5 years of being together.
Was it really wrong of me to get a picture with the basketball players? I don't think it was wrong and I don't understand why he is reacting the way he is. It's not like I even have my arms wrapped around them. And they aren't even touching me!
What do you guys think? ):
Was it really wrong of me to get a picture with the basketball players? I don't think it was wrong and I don't understand why he is reacting the way he is. It's not like I even have my arms wrapped around them. And they aren't even touching me!
What do you guys think? ):
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Replies
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He's overreacting...and he should definitely not be calling you derogatory names...ever. That alone pisses me off and if some guy did that to me, I'd tell him to f*** off and I'd be out...
But I don't know your relationship and I don't know the pressure he is under being deployed.
So, im trying to see the other side. Has he talked to you this way before? Is he always this angry? Is he often jealous?
If I disregard the disrespectful names he called you and try to look at it from another perspective, I wonder...If he went to a place and there were hot looking cheerleaders and he took a photo with all of them, how would you feel?
Obviously, it's just a photo...but he's far away and probably missing home...he's probably under stress. And he wants to be with you...he doesn't want to think about you even talking to other guys...
If you do try to work things out, you need to tell him that he should never talk to you that way again. Ever. Don't accept that. That's not okay.
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I agree with Cali, no matter how he's feeling it is never okay to use derogatory language toward someone you supposedly care about. I'm sure being deployed and away he is feeling insecure but if you two really had a strong relationship there should be trust. He is overreacting but again, being away is difficult and a million things must be running through his mind. Still, if he's using abusive language towards You it's time you rethink your relationship..0
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Is his name Donald Sterling?0
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I don't want to make excuses for the guy. Could he be under severe stress being deployed and snapped at you? Is it out of character? Is he always jealous? If he is always jealous run away0
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Verbal abuse is STILL abuse.. that ain't love... you have done nothing wrong... I would re-evaluate your relationship. I'm a former therapist who worked with domestic assault victims and teens in dating violence.0
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I have been with an emotional abuser now for 31 years. While I am grateful for his service, what he did to you was abusive. There is no excuse for abuse. I have had a hard time leaving, but I need to for my sanity. It is much easier when you are not married, don't have kids, and don't have decades of history and brainwashing in place. Please don't take a chance. Get out now.
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I don't want to make excuses for the guy. Could he be under severe stress being deployed and snapped at you? Is it out of character? Is he always jealous? If he is always jealous run away
Pretty much this. Probably the stress of deployment. If he keeps harping on it he's probably jealous and completely overreacting.
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He has anger, control, jealousy, and low self-esteem issues. Deployment or not, you are not married and owe him NOTHING. If you were my daughter and/or he was my son, I would tell YOU to leave HIM and HIM to leave you alone!
(eta: & btw, I've talked w/7' pro-ball players here @ my gym, lol. hubs loved it, thot it was great.)0 -
My husband wouldn't have minded that at all.0
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Girl I say pack them bags and tell him "goodbye and so long sucker because I'm going to a place where they'll treat me like a queen". No women deserves to be called degrading names, *kitten* that *kitten*. Unless your a women that cheats or lurks and thirsty most of the time then the degrading name sticls but you've done nothing wrong from what I see here this so called boyfriend of yours needs to be thought a lesson and that is leave his *kitten* so he learns his lesson to respect women.0
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Don't tolerate verbal abuse. Calling someone names for any reason is completely out of line. Yes, he may have been stressed and feeling jealous but there is no excuse for being abusive.
As for the picture - in my opinion you did nothing at all wrong.0 -
Don't hate me when I say this.. but... find out if he's cheating.onlyadrizzle wrote: »I'm currently in college right now and my friend and I saw some guys from the college basketball team and so we got a picture with them. In the picture I'm standing in front of them so we aren't touching. In my mind I just wanted a picture with these guys because they're over 7 ft tall (how often do you get to see that??) and they're kind of like mini celebrities in our minds. Well I tell my boyfriend, who is deployed, about it and he is furious with me and starts saying he didn't think I was like that and just starts calling me a hoe and a *kitten* over and over again and now is on the verge of wanting to break up after 2.5 years of being together.
Was it really wrong of me to get a picture with the basketball players? I don't think it was wrong and I don't understand why he is reacting the way he is. It's not like I even have my arms wrapped around them. And they aren't even touching me!
What do you guys think? ):0 -
Pssh hell no I didn't do anything wrong in my last relationship. I was the victim.0
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He has issues - deal with it now & be glad you're not married to him0
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Deployment is extremely hard. Combat stress, seeing your friends lost, dealing with a long distance relationship. You have to understand that you are not there to comfort him. He see's a picture. Jealousy is the first reaction. Then all of the possibilities that are absolutely absurd start running through his mind. One negative thought to the next until in his mind your sleeping with 3 of them. On top of that while we are deployed there are horror stories of wives draining bank accounts and emptying houses and the soldier comes home to nothing. Or wives showing up at all the bars downtown while their husbands are overseas. Ive been on rear detachment and seen it before, and actually confronted my friends wives after they make out with some random dude. We have our guards up 24 hours a day sweetheart. If you truly love him this is going to happen. That's why being a service members wife/GF is just as hard as the soldiers. It's not right, and you will deal with an emotional rollercoaster. But I'm sure it was said out of anger and not meant. Im sure he loves you. If you're not ready for a commitment like that then part ways. It's not a relationship most women can handle. That's why the divorce rate is so high for service members.0
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lookin4gains wrote: »Deployment is extremely hard. Combat stress, seeing your friends lost, dealing with a long distance relationship. You have to understand that you are not there to comfort him. He see's a picture. Jealousy is the first reaction. Then all of the possibilities that are absolutely absurd start running through his mind. One negative thought to the next until in his mind your sleeping with 3 of them. On top of that while we are deployed there are horror stories of wives draining bank accounts and emptying houses and the soldier comes home to nothing. Or wives showing up at all the bars downtown while their husbands are overseas. Ive been on rear detachment and seen it before, and actually confronted my friends wives after they make out with some random dude. We have our guards up 24 hours a day sweetheart. If you truly love him this is going to happen. That's why being a service members wife/GF is just as hard as the soldiers. It's not right, and you will deal with an emotional rollercoaster. But I'm sure it was said out of anger and not meant. Im sure he loves you. If you're not ready for a commitment like that then part ways. It's not a relationship most women can handle. That's why the divorce rate is so high for service members.
I totally agree!!0 -
Uh yeah I have issues what's yours point??0
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lookin4gains wrote: »Deployment is extremely hard. Combat stress, seeing your friends lost, dealing with a long distance relationship. You have to understand that you are not there to comfort him. He see's a picture. Jealousy is the first reaction. Then all of the possibilities that are absolutely absurd start running through his mind. One negative thought to the next until in his mind your sleeping with 3 of them. On top of that while we are deployed there are horror stories of wives draining bank accounts and emptying houses and the soldier comes home to nothing. Or wives showing up at all the bars downtown while their husbands are overseas. Ive been on rear detachment and seen it before, and actually confronted my friends wives after they make out with some random dude. We have our guards up 24 hours a day sweetheart. If you truly love him this is going to happen. That's why being a service members wife/GF is just as hard as the soldiers. It's not right, and you will deal with an emotional rollercoaster. But I'm sure it was said out of anger and not meant. Im sure he loves you. If you're not ready for a commitment like that then part ways. It's not a relationship most women can handle. That's why the divorce rate is so high for service members.
I get that it's a hard situation, but that's not an excuse to treat the spouse back home like crap. Deployment still isn't an excuse to make your spouse an emotional punching bag. It's not a case of not being able to handle the commitment, it's a case of being willing to subvert yourself or not.0 -
What lookin4gains said is all very true. It adds a lot more stress to a relationship and the service members always hear stories about what happens back home, just like the spouses hear about what happens while their SO is away. I can only add that if my SO was away on a TDY and I told him that I took the same picture, he wouldn't really care.0
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Whoa he sounds extreme. You're allowed to have friends that are guys or take a photo with guys in it without having to deal with verbal abuse.0
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Velum_cado wrote: »lookin4gains wrote: »Deployment is extremely hard. Combat stress, seeing your friends lost, dealing with a long distance relationship. You have to understand that you are not there to comfort him. He see's a picture. Jealousy is the first reaction. Then all of the possibilities that are absolutely absurd start running through his mind. One negative thought to the next until in his mind your sleeping with 3 of them. On top of that while we are deployed there are horror stories of wives draining bank accounts and emptying houses and the soldier comes home to nothing. Or wives showing up at all the bars downtown while their husbands are overseas. Ive been on rear detachment and seen it before, and actually confronted my friends wives after they make out with some random dude. We have our guards up 24 hours a day sweetheart. If you truly love him this is going to happen. That's why being a service members wife/GF is just as hard as the soldiers. It's not right, and you will deal with an emotional rollercoaster. But I'm sure it was said out of anger and not meant. Im sure he loves you. If you're not ready for a commitment like that then part ways. It's not a relationship most women can handle. That's why the divorce rate is so high for service members.
I get that it's a hard situation, but that's not an excuse to treat the spouse back home like crap. Deployment still isn't an excuse to make your spouse an emotional punching bag. It's not a case of not being able to handle the commitment, it's a case of being willing to subvert yourself or not.
She also looks young, and this is probably his first deployment. Which means he doesn't know how to handle a lot of things. There are soo many variables. I have seen my soldiers go through hell and back. Some can handle it, some can't. Maybe before he said that to her he just saw three of his best friends burnt alive in a humvee. There is no way to judge his reactions or any soldiers. You don't know. You haven't been there. A soldiers spouse needs to be just as tough as the soldier. *kitten* will happen. Emotions will come out like a freight train. Some swallow hard and don't say a word. And end up committing suicide 2 months after returning home from deployment. Others can talk about it calmly. There is no set way to deal with this experience. And a relationship is even harder. And no I'm not promoting verbal abuse. But none of us know what's going on with him, or more details on their relationship.0 -
I'd hazard a guess that neither of you understand what a LDR takes and while I won't condone his reaction , the main thing he will be worrying about is what is happening back at home.
So, in his mind you are playing on his insecurities and he is having a bad reaction to this as he doesn't have the maturity to deal with it properly and becomes abusive.
Just break up
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My question would be did he apologize? Cause maybe he was having a stressful day and everyone makes mistakes but if he apologized then at least he hopefully won't do it again. If he didn't apologize then I would ask yourself if you still feel like this is a relationship you want to be in0
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Hi all, thanks for so many replies. We have had a chance to talk a little and things are better than what they were, he still hasn't apologized for calling me all those names though so that's not okay. But we aren't done talking it through.
I understand how stressed out he is, but this is our 2nd deployment together, his 3rd deployment, and he has never acted like this towards me before. I know each deployment is different and makes him a different person while he is gone so I know I need to take that into account.
And I feel like the cheerleader argument is kind of different. I literally took the picture because they are from the basketball team and are giant human beings. I didn't take it because I think they are hot and I didn't even have my arms around any of them and they weren't touching me either. But I don't think I would react the way he did if he took a picture with cheerleaders even though the only reason guys do that is for the sole purpose of their looks. I just wanted to understand if what I did was actually wrong and inappropriate
I think he just snapped at me, their deployment recently got extended so that adds even more stress. It just bothers me to see this side of him come out, but I feel like it is really only because he is deployed. He never acts like this when he is home.0 -
My daughter is 19 and her BF recently called her a selfish *kitten* and I about lost my mind. This kid has issues and stress at home and I understand that but that's absolutely no excuse to verbally abuse someone.
I personally don't think you did anything wrong. Maybe he is stressed from the deployment but he needs to apologize for verbally abusing you and do NOT tolerate it in the future!0 -
Verbal abuse is STILL abuse.. that ain't love... you have done nothing wrong... I would re-evaluate your relationship. I'm a former therapist who worked with domestic assault victims and teens in dating violence.
^^^^^100% correct. @onlyadrizzle i wont air my dirty laundry here but if you want to pm me i we can talk. I have experience ill just say that much.0 -
onlyadrizzle wrote: »Hi all, thanks for so many replies. We have had a chance to talk a little and things are better than what they were, he still hasn't apologized for calling me all those names though so that's not okay. But we aren't done talking it through.
I understand how stressed out he is, but this is our 2nd deployment together, his 3rd deployment, and he has never acted like this towards me before. I know each deployment is different and makes him a different person while he is gone so I know I need to take that into account.
And I feel like the cheerleader argument is kind of different. I literally took the picture because they are from the basketball team and are giant human beings. I didn't take it because I think they are hot and I didn't even have my arms around any of them and they weren't touching me either. But I don't think I would react the way he did if he took a picture with cheerleaders even though the only reason guys do that is for the sole purpose of their looks. I just wanted to understand if what I did was actually wrong and inappropriate
I think he just snapped at me, their deployment recently got extended so that adds even more stress. It just bothers me to see this side of him come out, but I feel like it is really only because he is deployed. He never acts like this when he is home.
As long as you tell him how you feel, you're not ok with the comments, and your open about your feelings I'd hope an apology would come. If not, then I would evaluate the realtionship and future. I wish you both the best. More than likely it was the extension that caused the snap. Just let him know you love him hun. And if he starts acting right , get a boudoir photo shoot and show him what he is missing.
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I agree!LovingLifeInCalifornia wrote: »He's overreacting...and he should definitely not be calling you derogatory names...ever. That alone pisses me off and if some guy did that to me, I'd tell him to f*** off and I'd be out...
But I don't know your relationship and I don't know the pressure he is under being deployed.
So, im trying to see the other side. Has he talked to you this way before? Is he always this angry? Is he often jealous?
If I disregard the disrespectful names he called you and try to look at it from another perspective, I wonder...If he went to a place and there were hot looking cheerleaders and he took a photo with all of them, how would you feel?
Obviously, it's just a photo...but he's far away and probably missing home...he's probably under stress. And he wants to be with you...he doesn't want to think about you even talking to other guys...
If you do try to work things out, you need to tell him that he should never talk to you that way again. Ever. Don't accept that. That's not okay.
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