Did I do something wrong?? (Relationship problem)

LovingLifeInCalifornia

onlyadrizzle wrote: »

Hi all, thanks for so many replies. We have had a chance to talk a little and things are better than what they were, he still hasn't apologized for calling me all those names though so that's not okay. But we aren't done talking it through.

I understand how stressed out he is, but this is our 2nd deployment together, his 3rd deployment, and he has never acted like this towards me before. I know each deployment is different and makes him a different person while he is gone so I know I need to take that into account.

And I feel like the cheerleader argument is kind of different. I literally took the picture because they are from the basketball team and are giant human beings. I didn't take it because I think they are hot and I didn't even have my arms around any of them and they weren't touching me either. But I don't think I would react the way he did if he took a picture with cheerleaders even though the only reason guys do that is for the sole purpose of their looks. I just wanted to understand if what I did was actually wrong and inappropriate

I think he just snapped at me, their deployment recently got extended so that adds even more stress. It just bothers me to see this side of him come out, but I feel like it is really only because he is deployed. He never acts like this when he is home.

I only used that as an example because of what he may be thinking, not because I thought you took the photo for any other reason than their height... And I mentioned it because HIS reaction made it appear that it was jealousy and fear that you saw the ball players as more than just tall. Clearly, his reaction indicated he thought you saw them as more than tall...

And while I don't agree with the names he called you, what lookin4gains said above is why I mentioned this example.

Cindeeee

lookin4gains wrote: »

As long as you tell him how you feel, you're not ok with the comments, and your open about your feelings I'd hope an apology would come. If not, then I would evaluate the realtionship and future. I wish you both the best. More than likely it was the extension that caused the snap. Just let him know you love him hun. And if he starts acting right , get a boudoir photo shoot and show him what he is missing.

This is really good advice, but if Dude is pissed over an innocent picture then he'd probably get crazy about someone taking sexy pics of her. IJS

Jealousy in a relationship gets worse over time. Don't let it escalate. I would make it known that I won't tolerate that abuse ever again (and mean it).

wesley58

Before everyone just goes and jumps all over the guy, any relationship that has distance is going to be hard. Do you really think that the problem is the picture, or the fact that she is going out and having what he assumes is a good time, while he is stuck where he is? I realize that she cannot and should not stay home and wait, she should get out and have a life. In my opinion, and when I am away and my wife does things without me, she can tell me things about what she did, but she doesn't have to tell me everything. Sometimes she might say something that is completely innocent in her mind, but my mind might get overactive and cause me to think and say things that are out of line. Good Luck

DearestWinter

wesley58 wrote: »

Before everyone just goes and jumps all over the guy, any relationship that has distance is going to be hard. Do you really think that the problem is the picture, or the fact that she is going out and having what he assumes is a good time, while he is stuck where he is? I realize that she cannot and should not stay home and wait, she should get out and have a life. In my opinion, and when I am away and my wife does things without me, she can tell me things about what she did, but she doesn't have to tell me everything. Sometimes she might say something that is completely innocent in her mind, but my mind might get overactive and cause me to think and say things that are out of line. Good Luck

The issue is how he expressed himself. He called her derogatory names and was verbally abusive. That is never okay. It doesn't matter how hard a relationship is and what people are going through. Abuse is always wrong.

DaneanP

Glad you are beginning to talk things through. Sounds like he needs a good counselor and perhaps you could use one as well. LDR are never easy and a lot of emotions come up for both of you. That said, I can see forgiving someone for something like that (verbal abuse and name calling) once. Only once. Let him know it will not be tolerated again under ANY circumstance. Then mean what you say. He acts that way again, I'd run as far away as quickly as humanly possible and never look back.

onlyadrizzle

He finally told me about a situation that has been going on which has lead him to not trusting his mother anymore and she is a huge part of his life and he doesn't know how to react to what is happening and I believe this is probably the main reason why he lashed out at me like that.

We have talked it over more and things are a lot better than what they were, thank you all for replying. And I will not tolerate him calling me names again and he knows.

jkwolly

Break up.

ClubSilencio

You're way too young to be dealing with those kind of issues. People can change for the better though and I wish the best for your relationship.

Noelv1976

I've been deployed many times and I can honestly say, that yes, a picture like that can trigger an out of reaction of some sorts. When we're deployed we see and hear a lot of things, especially with what happens when spouses do things back home. Is he ensecured? Is always been the jealous type? OF course, a simple picture with a bunch of 7 feet college basketball players probably didn't sit well with him. Maybe in his mind you were checking them out. Not giving excuses for him, probably shouldn't have used that language but if he's a young kid, and first time away from you, probably didn't know how to react properly. I say talk to him some more, ask him if really did mean all that stuff and if he wants to break up. If he does, then his loss. Again, not giving excuses, verbal abuse shouldn't have been used. Deployments suck, being away from someone you love for nine months sucks even more.

HumboldtFred

onlyadrizzle wrote: »

He finally told me about a situation that has been going on which has lead him to not trusting his mother anymore and she is a huge part of his life and he doesn't know how to react to what is happening and I believe this is probably the main reason why he lashed out at me like that.

We have talked it over more and things are a lot better than what they were, thank you all for replying. And I will not tolerate him calling me names again and he knows. [/qu

Excuses don't cut it. You think he calls his Sgt. names when he pisses him off ? Not likely because he would be spending all his free time picking up his teeth.

He is a boy and boys call names. Boys say mean hurtful things that men do not.

Being deployed is no excuse. I have a 19 year old daughter, and if her boyfriend called her a "Ho", he would beg God to be in another country far, far away.

What do you suppose his excuse will be when he starts hitting you? " Awwww the deployment made me do it. I only hit because I miss you so much, I'm so scared, its not fair, poor me, poor me."

Names are just mental punches and kicks.

I can understand a guy stubbing his toe and getting mad and lashing out....once. But name calling is the tip of a really bad iceberg. You can be thankful that the iceberg is visible now and you can RUN AWAY NOW, before he is able to mentally beat you for nine months before he gets home so he can physically beat you then. He needs help and unless he initiates it, gets it owns his failure, and takes responsibility for his actions there is nothing you can do to make anything better.

Also, no you did nothing wrong. Absolutely and positively nothing wrong. You lived your life a little bit, while he cannot for a while. he signed up, he didn't get drafted. He wanted to be a soldier, unfortunately there is no requirement that one be a man first.

urloved33

ferniejoy wrote: »

I have been with an emotional abuser now for 31 years. While I am grateful for his service, what he did to you was abusive. There is no excuse for abuse. I have had a hard time leaving, but I need to for my sanity. It is much easier when you are not married, don't have kids, and don't have decades of history and brainwashing in place. Please don't take a chance. Get out now.

ditto.

TheRoadDog

Dump him. Name calling is never acceptable in a relationship. That's in addition to his immaturity. Besides, it is rare that serviceman that is deployed for any length of time is faithful.

yopeeps025

While I would not really care but someone else can care. What is right in a relationship to one is not right for another.

So talk to him and find out why he acted the way he did.