Did I do something wrong?? (Relationship problem)

2

Replies

  • Iscah13
    Iscah13 Posts: 1,954 Member
    What lookin4gains said is all very true. It adds a lot more stress to a relationship and the service members always hear stories about what happens back home, just like the spouses hear about what happens while their SO is away. I can only add that if my SO was away on a TDY and I told him that I took the same picture, he wouldn't really care.
  • almondbutterbay
    almondbutterbay Posts: 221 Member
    Whoa he sounds extreme. You're allowed to have friends that are guys or take a photo with guys in it without having to deal with verbal abuse.
  • lookin4gains
    lookin4gains Posts: 1,761 Member
    edited April 2015
    Velum_cado wrote: »
    lookin4gains wrote: »
    Deployment is extremely hard. Combat stress, seeing your friends lost, dealing with a long distance relationship. You have to understand that you are not there to comfort him. He see's a picture. Jealousy is the first reaction. Then all of the possibilities that are absolutely absurd start running through his mind. One negative thought to the next until in his mind your sleeping with 3 of them. On top of that while we are deployed there are horror stories of wives draining bank accounts and emptying houses and the soldier comes home to nothing. Or wives showing up at all the bars downtown while their husbands are overseas. Ive been on rear detachment and seen it before, and actually confronted my friends wives after they make out with some random dude. We have our guards up 24 hours a day sweetheart. If you truly love him this is going to happen. That's why being a service members wife/GF is just as hard as the soldiers. It's not right, and you will deal with an emotional rollercoaster. But I'm sure it was said out of anger and not meant. Im sure he loves you. If you're not ready for a commitment like that then part ways. It's not a relationship most women can handle. That's why the divorce rate is so high for service members.

    I get that it's a hard situation, but that's not an excuse to treat the spouse back home like crap. Deployment still isn't an excuse to make your spouse an emotional punching bag. It's not a case of not being able to handle the commitment, it's a case of being willing to subvert yourself or not.

    She also looks young, and this is probably his first deployment. Which means he doesn't know how to handle a lot of things. There are soo many variables. I have seen my soldiers go through hell and back. Some can handle it, some can't. Maybe before he said that to her he just saw three of his best friends burnt alive in a humvee. There is no way to judge his reactions or any soldiers. You don't know. You haven't been there. A soldiers spouse needs to be just as tough as the soldier. *kitten* will happen. Emotions will come out like a freight train. Some swallow hard and don't say a word. And end up committing suicide 2 months after returning home from deployment. Others can talk about it calmly. There is no set way to deal with this experience. And a relationship is even harder. And no I'm not promoting verbal abuse. But none of us know what's going on with him, or more details on their relationship.
  • markiend
    markiend Posts: 461 Member
    I'd hazard a guess that neither of you understand what a LDR takes and while I won't condone his reaction , the main thing he will be worrying about is what is happening back at home.

    So, in his mind you are playing on his insecurities and he is having a bad reaction to this as he doesn't have the maturity to deal with it properly and becomes abusive.

    Just break up

  • almondbutterbay
    almondbutterbay Posts: 221 Member
    My question would be did he apologize? Cause maybe he was having a stressful day and everyone makes mistakes but if he apologized then at least he hopefully won't do it again. If he didn't apologize then I would ask yourself if you still feel like this is a relationship you want to be in
  • onlyadrizzle
    onlyadrizzle Posts: 60 Member
    Hi all, thanks for so many replies. We have had a chance to talk a little and things are better than what they were, he still hasn't apologized for calling me all those names though so that's not okay. But we aren't done talking it through.

    I understand how stressed out he is, but this is our 2nd deployment together, his 3rd deployment, and he has never acted like this towards me before. I know each deployment is different and makes him a different person while he is gone so I know I need to take that into account.

    And I feel like the cheerleader argument is kind of different. I literally took the picture because they are from the basketball team and are giant human beings. I didn't take it because I think they are hot and I didn't even have my arms around any of them and they weren't touching me either. But I don't think I would react the way he did if he took a picture with cheerleaders even though the only reason guys do that is for the sole purpose of their looks. I just wanted to understand if what I did was actually wrong and inappropriate

    I think he just snapped at me, their deployment recently got extended so that adds even more stress. It just bothers me to see this side of him come out, but I feel like it is really only because he is deployed. He never acts like this when he is home.
  • Jessica_L_E
    Jessica_L_E Posts: 1,969 Member
    My daughter is 19 and her BF recently called her a selfish *kitten* and I about lost my mind. This kid has issues and stress at home and I understand that but that's absolutely no excuse to verbally abuse someone.

    I personally don't think you did anything wrong. Maybe he is stressed from the deployment but he needs to apologize for verbally abusing you and do NOT tolerate it in the future!
  • LiquidSparkle86
    LiquidSparkle86 Posts: 736 Member
    six1908 wrote: »
    Verbal abuse is STILL abuse.. that ain't love... you have done nothing wrong... I would re-evaluate your relationship. I'm a former therapist who worked with domestic assault victims and teens in dating violence.

    ^^^^^100% correct. @onlyadrizzle i wont air my dirty laundry here but if you want to pm me i we can talk. I have experience ill just say that much.
  • lookin4gains
    lookin4gains Posts: 1,761 Member
    onlyadrizzle wrote: »
    Hi all, thanks for so many replies. We have had a chance to talk a little and things are better than what they were, he still hasn't apologized for calling me all those names though so that's not okay. But we aren't done talking it through.

    I understand how stressed out he is, but this is our 2nd deployment together, his 3rd deployment, and he has never acted like this towards me before. I know each deployment is different and makes him a different person while he is gone so I know I need to take that into account.

    And I feel like the cheerleader argument is kind of different. I literally took the picture because they are from the basketball team and are giant human beings. I didn't take it because I think they are hot and I didn't even have my arms around any of them and they weren't touching me either. But I don't think I would react the way he did if he took a picture with cheerleaders even though the only reason guys do that is for the sole purpose of their looks. I just wanted to understand if what I did was actually wrong and inappropriate

    I think he just snapped at me, their deployment recently got extended so that adds even more stress. It just bothers me to see this side of him come out, but I feel like it is really only because he is deployed. He never acts like this when he is home.

    As long as you tell him how you feel, you're not ok with the comments, and your open about your feelings I'd hope an apology would come. If not, then I would evaluate the realtionship and future. I wish you both the best. More than likely it was the extension that caused the snap. Just let him know you love him hun. And if he starts acting right , get a boudoir photo shoot and show him what he is missing. :p
  • Justygirl77
    Justygirl77 Posts: 385 Member
    LovingLifeInCalifornia wrote: »
    He's overreacting...and he should definitely not be calling you derogatory names...ever. That alone pisses me off and if some guy did that to me, I'd tell him to f*** off and I'd be out...

    But I don't know your relationship and I don't know the pressure he is under being deployed.

    So, im trying to see the other side. Has he talked to you this way before? Is he always this angry? Is he often jealous?

    If I disregard the disrespectful names he called you and try to look at it from another perspective, I wonder...If he went to a place and there were hot looking cheerleaders and he took a photo with all of them, how would you feel?

    Obviously, it's just a photo...but he's far away and probably missing home...he's probably under stress. And he wants to be with you...he doesn't want to think about you even talking to other guys...

    If you do try to work things out, you need to tell him that he should never talk to you that way again. Ever. Don't accept that. That's not okay.
    I agree!
  • LovingLifeInCalifornia
    LovingLifeInCalifornia Posts: 9,362 Member
    onlyadrizzle wrote: »
    Hi all, thanks for so many replies. We have had a chance to talk a little and things are better than what they were, he still hasn't apologized for calling me all those names though so that's not okay. But we aren't done talking it through.

    I understand how stressed out he is, but this is our 2nd deployment together, his 3rd deployment, and he has never acted like this towards me before. I know each deployment is different and makes him a different person while he is gone so I know I need to take that into account.

    And I feel like the cheerleader argument is kind of different. I literally took the picture because they are from the basketball team and are giant human beings. I didn't take it because I think they are hot and I didn't even have my arms around any of them and they weren't touching me either. But I don't think I would react the way he did if he took a picture with cheerleaders even though the only reason guys do that is for the sole purpose of their looks. I just wanted to understand if what I did was actually wrong and inappropriate

    I think he just snapped at me, their deployment recently got extended so that adds even more stress. It just bothers me to see this side of him come out, but I feel like it is really only because he is deployed. He never acts like this when he is home.

    I only used that as an example because of what he may be thinking, not because I thought you took the photo for any other reason than their height... And I mentioned it because HIS reaction made it appear that it was jealousy and fear that you saw the ball players as more than just tall. Clearly, his reaction indicated he thought you saw them as more than tall...

    And while I don't agree with the names he called you, what lookin4gains said above is why I mentioned this example.
  • Cindeeee
    Cindeeee Posts: 25 Member
    edited April 2015
    lookin4gains wrote: »
    As long as you tell him how you feel, you're not ok with the comments, and your open about your feelings I'd hope an apology would come. If not, then I would evaluate the realtionship and future. I wish you both the best. More than likely it was the extension that caused the snap. Just let him know you love him hun. And if he starts acting right , get a boudoir photo shoot and show him what he is missing. :p

    This is really good advice, but if Dude is pissed over an innocent picture then he'd probably get crazy about someone taking sexy pics of her. IJS

    Jealousy in a relationship gets worse over time. Don't let it escalate. I would make it known that I won't tolerate that abuse ever again (and mean it).
  • wesley58
    wesley58 Posts: 129 Member
    Before everyone just goes and jumps all over the guy, any relationship that has distance is going to be hard. Do you really think that the problem is the picture, or the fact that she is going out and having what he assumes is a good time, while he is stuck where he is? I realize that she cannot and should not stay home and wait, she should get out and have a life. In my opinion, and when I am away and my wife does things without me, she can tell me things about what she did, but she doesn't have to tell me everything. Sometimes she might say something that is completely innocent in her mind, but my mind might get overactive and cause me to think and say things that are out of line. Good Luck
  • DearestWinter
    DearestWinter Posts: 595 Member
    wesley58 wrote: »
    Before everyone just goes and jumps all over the guy, any relationship that has distance is going to be hard. Do you really think that the problem is the picture, or the fact that she is going out and having what he assumes is a good time, while he is stuck where he is? I realize that she cannot and should not stay home and wait, she should get out and have a life. In my opinion, and when I am away and my wife does things without me, she can tell me things about what she did, but she doesn't have to tell me everything. Sometimes she might say something that is completely innocent in her mind, but my mind might get overactive and cause me to think and say things that are out of line. Good Luck

    The issue is how he expressed himself. He called her derogatory names and was verbally abusive. That is never okay. It doesn't matter how hard a relationship is and what people are going through. Abuse is always wrong.
  • DaneanP
    DaneanP Posts: 433 Member
    edited April 2015
    Glad you are beginning to talk things through. Sounds like he needs a good counselor and perhaps you could use one as well. LDR are never easy and a lot of emotions come up for both of you. That said, I can see forgiving someone for something like that (verbal abuse and name calling) once. Only once. Let him know it will not be tolerated again under ANY circumstance. Then mean what you say. He acts that way again, I'd run as far away as quickly as humanly possible and never look back.
  • onlyadrizzle
    onlyadrizzle Posts: 60 Member
    He finally told me about a situation that has been going on which has lead him to not trusting his mother anymore and she is a huge part of his life and he doesn't know how to react to what is happening and I believe this is probably the main reason why he lashed out at me like that.

    We have talked it over more and things are a lot better than what they were, thank you all for replying. And I will not tolerate him calling me names again and he knows.
  • jkwolly
    jkwolly Posts: 3,049 Member
    Break up.
  • ClubSilencio
    ClubSilencio Posts: 2,983 Member
    You're way too young to be dealing with those kind of issues. People can change for the better though and I wish the best for your relationship.
  • Noelv1976
    Noelv1976 Posts: 18,948 Member
    I've been deployed many times and I can honestly say, that yes, a picture like that can trigger an out of reaction of some sorts. When we're deployed we see and hear a lot of things, especially with what happens when spouses do things back home. Is he ensecured? Is always been the jealous type? OF course, a simple picture with a bunch of 7 feet college basketball players probably didn't sit well with him. Maybe in his mind you were checking them out. Not giving excuses for him, probably shouldn't have used that language but if he's a young kid, and first time away from you, probably didn't know how to react properly. I say talk to him some more, ask him if really did mean all that stuff and if he wants to break up. If he does, then his loss. Again, not giving excuses, verbal abuse shouldn't have been used. Deployments suck, being away from someone you love for nine months sucks even more.
  • HumboldtFred
    HumboldtFred Posts: 159 Member
    onlyadrizzle wrote: »
    He finally told me about a situation that has been going on which has lead him to not trusting his mother anymore and she is a huge part of his life and he doesn't know how to react to what is happening and I believe this is probably the main reason why he lashed out at me like that.

    We have talked it over more and things are a lot better than what they were, thank you all for replying. And I will not tolerate him calling me names again and he knows. [/qu

    Excuses don't cut it. You think he calls his Sgt. names when he pisses him off ? Not likely because he would be spending all his free time picking up his teeth.

    He is a boy and boys call names. Boys say mean hurtful things that men do not.

    Being deployed is no excuse. I have a 19 year old daughter, and if her boyfriend called her a "Ho", he would beg God to be in another country far, far away.

    What do you suppose his excuse will be when he starts hitting you? " Awwww the deployment made me do it. I only hit because I miss you so much, I'm so scared, its not fair, poor me, poor me."

    Names are just mental punches and kicks.

    I can understand a guy stubbing his toe and getting mad and lashing out....once. But name calling is the tip of a really bad iceberg. You can be thankful that the iceberg is visible now and you can RUN AWAY NOW, before he is able to mentally beat you for nine months before he gets home so he can physically beat you then. He needs help and unless he initiates it, gets it owns his failure, and takes responsibility for his actions there is nothing you can do to make anything better.

    Also, no you did nothing wrong. Absolutely and positively nothing wrong. You lived your life a little bit, while he cannot for a while. he signed up, he didn't get drafted. He wanted to be a soldier, unfortunately there is no requirement that one be a man first.

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