Hubby refuses to grasp healthier lifestyle. Help!!!!

2

Replies

  • Dragn77
    Dragn77 Posts: 810 Member
    The first thought that came into my mind is....was he like this when you met him? Or are you trying to change him from that into a new lifestyle you want for him?

    Just...putting that thought into your mind.

    Having said that...it would probably be best to lead by example, rather than trying to force him to change his ways. Case in point...when I was married I decided to go back to being a vegetarian within a couple months of us being together. He was pretty horrified LoL But I didnt make a big deal of it. I anyway hated to cook meat, which he knew and would always help me with. But I told him that I would make dinner, if he liked it great, if he didnt, go throw something on the grill...I dont care.

    Because I didnt make a big deal of it, he had nothing to resist or fight against. That wasnt intentional or me being tricky by the way..I honestly didnt care. Me being a vegetarian had nothing to do with him. But...he would at least try the meals, and actually enjoyed it so much that it wasnt long before the only time he ate meat was once or twice a month when hed throw a bbq. Also, I wanted to do something to stay in shape, and asked him to help me pick out a bike... When we went to get it, he decided he wanted to get one too...his idea entirely that it would be a great way for us to spend time together.

    I really didnt know this at the time (I was only 20 then) but on reflection, I somehow got the most stubborn, bull-headed guy who was a meat and potatoes, beer drinking, sit on the couch watching racing southern boy, to eat vegetarian and go bike riding after work every day with me...all by allowing him the chance to make the choice of his own free will to do it. If I had nagged or made a big deal of it, it would never have happened...

    Anyway..just an idea!
  • sugarfree123
    sugarfree123 Posts: 82 Member
    Already been down that road. End of the story is that my husband died of a heart attack at the age of 36. He insisted on eating crappy food, fast food, take out etc. I cooked healthy meals for me and my daughter. I thought he would have a heart attack and learn his lesson but it was the Widow maker. His first heart attack was his last. People have to make their own choices about their health. They just don't realize that their choices affect everyone in the family. My daughter was only 15 years old when her dad died. People who don't safeguard their health are being selfish and thinking only of themselves.
  • Cortneyrenee04
    Cortneyrenee04 Posts: 1,117 Member
    Throw the candy away (or take it to work)! If it's gifted to your daughter, give her a piece and make it disappear. I would personally also throw away his candy when he brings it home... Maybe he'd stop buying it. Candy by the bed? That's too much.
  • Serah87
    Serah87 Posts: 5,481 Member
    Cortneyrenee04 wrote: »
    Throw the candy away (or take it to work)! If it's gifted to your daughter, give her a piece and make it disappear. I would personally also throw away his candy when he brings it home... Maybe he'd stop buying it. Candy by the bed? That's too much.

    That will be fast way to divorce court!!
  • DaivaSimone
    DaivaSimone Posts: 657 Member
    ksnurse25 wrote: »
    I really fear my husband's bad eating habits and sedimentary lifestyle.

    That's like an other class of sedentary, right? ;)

  • ksnurse25
    ksnurse25 Posts: 62 Member
    DaivaSimone wrote: »
    ksnurse25 wrote: »
    I really fear my husband's bad eating habits and sedimentary lifestyle.

    That's like an other class of sedentary, right? ;)

    Ha!! That's a funny mistake I made. :)
  • allaboutthecake
    allaboutthecake Posts: 1,535 Member
    Quadruple his life insurance so you & your daughter are financially protected in case, God Forbid, he drops dead of a heart attack.
    Serious.
  • ksnurse25
    ksnurse25 Posts: 62 Member
    allaboutthecake wrote: »
    Quadruple his life insurance so you & your daughter are financially protected in case, God Forbid, he drops dead of a heart attack.
    Serious.

    Already accomplished.
  • ksnurse25
    ksnurse25 Posts: 62 Member
    Dragn77 wrote: »
    The first thought that came into my mind is....was he like this when you met him? Or are you trying to change him from that into a new lifestyle you want for him?

    No he was active and motivated. We did things together and he was involved with life.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    I would stop talking about it or telling him what he should do. Do your own thing and leave him be.
    I know you love him and worry about his health but you can't make him do this. When he is ready he will work on it.



  • gle8442
    gle8442 Posts: 126 Member
    sugarfree123 wrote: »
    Already been down that road. End of the story is that my husband died of a heart attack at the age of 36. He insisted on eating crappy food, fast food, take out etc. I cooked healthy meals for me and my daughter. I thought he would have a heart attack and learn his lesson but it was the Widow maker. His first heart attack was his last. People have to make their own choices about their health. They just don't realize that their choices affect everyone in the family. My daughter was only 15 years old when her dad died. People who don't safeguard their health are being selfish and thinking only of themselves.

    I am really sorry for your loss, that is so sad.
  • daisypatchgirl
    daisypatchgirl Posts: 6 Member
    He has to want to make changes for himself...doing it to please anyone else will result in resentment, bitterness, and short lived results. I think you need to just stay committed to your own health goals and not make compromises in your lifestyle because of his lack of support. Perhaps if you reduced how much you say to him about it, he will be more open to pursuing change. Also, affirming how much you love some of his other qualities that are non weight related, may spur him to make changes to the areas of his lifestyle that could use some improvement.
  • Suzy617
    Suzy617 Posts: 2 Member
    My husband also skipped meals and eats candy late at night. It was really annoying to me mainly because I love him and we have 2 kids together. I can't throw the candy away either that would be war. However, I put the candy further away so he would have to walk and stretch more to get it. Also I noticed he snacked about the same time daily. So I started making a snack for him now its a healthy meal so he eats less candy and twice a day. As for exercise maybe start out with small slow walk or a family game outside. He doesn't have to move a lot especially at first he just has to move.
  • ChristaNorris
    ChristaNorris Posts: 52 Member
    My Husband and I are coming up on our 8th anniversary (together 14 years). He's still wearing pants from high school, BUT his blood sugar and blood pressure are high. He can't order a pizza online, let alone go pick up his own junk food. So when I quit buying, he quit eating. I lucked out. Good luck!!
  • ksnurse25
    ksnurse25 Posts: 62 Member
    Well I took a majority of the blog's advice and just went and had a discussion with the hubs. First I started out with the news of our good friend just having his 3rd heart cath. He now is limited in his activities of daily living. I told him I was discussing our situation in a blog and he is aware that I was looking for advice (for those that were giving me the evil eye for discussing our family health issues in none the less than.....a support group *gasp*). I told him that I love him and want him around for a long time. I also told him that I will no longer be saying anything to him about what he is eating or the lack of activity. He still will be asked to join us when we go for walks and such. I told him that the ball is in his court and it is up to him. As soon as he decides to....I will be right behind him to support him. Thank you all for your advice and I feel very good about this.
  • omelet2000
    omelet2000 Posts: 110 Member
    sugarfree123 wrote: »
    Already been down that road. End of the story is that my husband died of a heart attack at the age of 36. He insisted on eating crappy food, fast food, take out etc. I cooked healthy meals for me and my daughter. I thought he would have a heart attack and learn his lesson but it was the Widow maker. His first heart attack was his last. People have to make their own choices about their health. They just don't realize that their choices affect everyone in the family. My daughter was only 15 years old when her dad died. People who don't safeguard their health are being selfish and thinking only of themselves.

    Tell your husband this story. If that isn't motivation I don't know what is! Was gonna skip the gym today but after reading this I'm gonna go now.

    I'm not a big breakfast person either. Even if I go to bed hungry I wake up not hungry and it's not till noon that I crave anything. However we all need something to kickstart our metabolism, so I usually grab a banana or breakfast bar on the way out the door and eat on my commute.
  • DearestWinter
    DearestWinter Posts: 595 Member
    Cortneyrenee04 wrote: »
    Throw the candy away (or take it to work)! If it's gifted to your daughter, give her a piece and make it disappear. I would personally also throw away his candy when he brings it home... Maybe he'd stop buying it. Candy by the bed? That's too much.

    I agree with throwing out the daughter's candy after giving her a piece or two. A three year old doesn't need a stash of candy.

    I wouldn't throw out the husband's candy. I did like the suggestion someone made to make him buy it himself.
  • loribethrice
    loribethrice Posts: 620 Member
    I'm not married, but my mom is like this. She eats what she wants and doesn't exercise at all. She says that exercise can lead to heart attacks and that since she's almost 60 she doesn't need to lose weight because no one cares what you look like at that age. My dad on the other hand is on a constant diet and tries to walk as much as he possibly can daily. I got him a Jawbone UP to help him keep track. He worries me though because he'll eat a bowl of cereal and then not eat again until the next day because he claims he's not hungry. I've tried to help both of them and there is not much you can do unless someone wants to change. My dad tries to get my mom to go on walks with him and she'll make it a block and say her leg hurts or she's too tired from working all day and go back home. He's frustrated, but they've been married for 33 years and I guess it just is what it is. She had anorexia bad in her early 20s before she met him, so I don't know if that influences her now or not.
  • rachael00679
    rachael00679 Posts: 186 Member
    Hes not a child and I would not be "stressing" the importance of anything to an adult who can (and will) make decisions for themselves to suit themselves.
    I have to agree men hate the nagging. Just stop it.
    "Educating" certainly sounds a bit more like badgering no matter how well intended.
  • softblondechick
    softblondechick Posts: 1,275 Member
    Is he a good father? Is he a good husband? Is there a reason you married him and had a child with him?

    He is an adult. He probably works, contributes to the home. He has every right to eat what he wants.

    If it bothers you, leave him and file for divorce. The last thing you want to do is set an example for your child is of a nagging, miserable woman, and a sullen, resentful father. Dysfunctional.

  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
    ksnurse25 wrote: »
    Well I took a majority of the blog's advice and just went and had a discussion with the hubs. First I started out with the news of our good friend just having his 3rd heart cath. He now is limited in his activities of daily living. I told him I was discussing our situation in a blog and he is aware that I was looking for advice (for those that were giving me the evil eye for discussing our family health issues in none the less than.....a support group *gasp*). I told him that I love him and want him around for a long time. I also told him that I will no longer be saying anything to him about what he is eating or the lack of activity. He still will be asked to join us when we go for walks and such. I told him that the ball is in his court and it is up to him. As soon as he decides to....I will be right behind him to support him. Thank you all for your advice and I feel very good about this.

    Sounds like it went well. He has all the information in front of him now. I wish you the best.
  • HelenWater
    HelenWater Posts: 232 Member
    You could check out Motivational Interviewing for health behaviour change. I've used it to discuss oral care with expectant mums and it's very person centred, but you guide the person towards the behaviour eg discuss going to the dentist to have a tooth filled. You don't tell them anything. Rather you draw out their story and in discussing how important the change is and how able they think they are to make the change you hopefully end up with a plan. So you might ask what they like about what they do now, and the. You might ask what isn't so good about the status quo. You could also ask about how he sees his health looking in 15 years etc. So lots of active listening and empathy. Really listening to another person and allowing them to make their own decision is very powerful I'm happy to go into more detail if you like. Just let me know. I hope this doesn't sound patronising. I don't know if you already know about this way of talking about health to people already.
  • leggup
    leggup Posts: 2,942 Member
    You can't tell him what to eat and what not to eat. However, you can tell him how worried you are about his current health. You can tell him how you need him to be there for you and your daughter. Come at it from a place of love, not a place of nagging, mothering, or educating.

    As for the daughter, tell him that he's welcome to eat garbage for dinner but that he has to at least give his daughter the impression he's eating well.
  • SarcasmIsMyLoveLanguage
    SarcasmIsMyLoveLanguage Posts: 2,668 Member
    I don't know about you, but I went for years knowing that I was overweight, but not being in the right headspace to do anything about it. Then one day it just clicked. I hit rock bottom, had enough, and went on to lose 90lbs. From what I've read around here, this is a common progression. Bottom line is that you can nag all you want, but he's not going to change until he's good and ready. All you can do in the meantime is keep doing what you're doing and set a good example. Continue to encourage him but not nag.

    And I agree with britishbroccoli - it's really important that he work with you to set a good example for your daughter. As an example, my husband is not a veggie guy but he doesn't say "I don't like that" in front of our son. If our son tries something and decides on his own he doesn't like it, fine.
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  • Of_Monsters_and_Meat
    Of_Monsters_and_Meat Posts: 1,022 Member
    Just break up.
  • foxlme
    foxlme Posts: 57 Member
    No advice- all I want to say that you are a great wife for being so concerned about your family. It's hard to watch a loved one make poor choices and you are a strong woman for trying to speak up about it. What to do next, is whatever YOU feel is right. Good for you for being concerned for him, that comes with being married. A lot of negativity lurks around these blogs and I just wanted to point out the positive. :)
  • becky10rp
    becky10rp Posts: 573 Member
    Like all of the others' - all you can do is take care of you - and your child. My husband has horrible eating habits - he refuses to change. He won't do any form of exercise either. His father died of a heart attack at age 44 - you'd think that would put the fear of something in him........it doesn't.
  • Spyer116
    Spyer116 Posts: 168 Member
    Stop being controlling. No matter what you do. He wont change or stop unless its what he wants to do. Stop trying to force your way on him. If anything, it'll just make things and he'll worsen the bad habits or start even more, just because of all your nagging. Its his body. Regardless of your daughter, you can't try use her as an excuse to make him do things or change. Especially with getting her to beg him to do stuff, that's just low/sly/underhanded/etc.

    3 meals / day isn't necessary. 1-2 meals would do. 6 meals would do. 1 meal with lots of snacking would do. your body doesn't really care that "oh, I got a meal half an hour after getting up. and 2 more meals spaced 4 hours apart. yay".
    I'm surprised he's put up with all you say and do to him. Some people can be obese and live long relatively ok lives. Chances aren't in the favour. But just because he's not eating 3 solid meals / day all healthy no gmo 100% vegan or whatever else, doesn't mean he'll drop dead in the next few months or years.
    If the only thing that'll change him is a brush with death. Then either accept the fact that he's staying the same till that point naturally happens, or you're gonna have to start planning an attempted murder.
    If he doesn't leave you before then, for what you're trying to make him do.
  • Canwehugnow
    Canwehugnow Posts: 218 Member
    Although I don't have any advice in this, I do have experience in being the taker and giver in this. About 3 years ago, I lost 80 pounds while my fiancé basically sat on his *kitten* and didn't do anything and ate like a teenager. The tables turned, and it was me being unhealthy and him exercising. Jump to now, and we are both on the same page. Maybe just lay back a little and let him realize that he's not going down the right path. All I know is that you should continue being a great role model for your daughter.
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