How can I deal with the people enabling me?

FoundxFocus

So I live with my grandmother. She is very hypocritical in that she always makes comments about my weight and basically how unacceptable she finds it. On the other hand, she buys me things like mac and cheese and oatmeal cream pies. Of course it's hard to pass up these things when they're right there. On top of that, she also makes meals that are far from low calorie. As if that all isn't bad enough, when I don't eat her food and tell her I'm trying to eat healthy, she gets mad, saying there's nothing unhealthy about her food. She then goes off on a tangent saying "Well you have to eat. You can't lose weight by not eating." I of course AM eating. Just not what she wants me to.

I know that she doesn't understand the struggle because she's never had problems with her weight. For a person of a normal weight, her meals aren't that bad. But for someone like me, they're just sabotaging my progress.

How can I get her to understand and work with me instead of against me?

jemhh

At the most basic level, you need to be take responsibility for yourself. That means not eating things that put you over your calorie limit. If you want to eat those things, you work them in, which means not eating something else.

As far as your grandma goes, you can make your own food or cook with her ("hey Grandma, let's try out this new recipe") or eat less of what she cooks. It really does come down to personal responsibility though.

SezxyStef

She is right there is nothing unhealthy about her food....I don't care what she is making.

Losing weight is not about what you eat it's about how much you eat.

For example I eat chocolate every night...I still drink, I am eating a cheeseburger tonight with avocado, cheese and pasta salad...my diary is open so you can see what i eat...

I suspect you are going too low calorie...try eating regular foods eating enough food and giving your gram a break.

RoxieDawn

Grandma's are just like that. They love to cook (and they cook good stuff) and when the food is not eaten they do get offended. Grandma's express love through food..

And Grandma's do not want to hear that you cannot eat her food etc.. Plus she is making the food for your both and do not want it to go to waste.

This is a tough one for sure and IMO, you just have to eat some of her food. Go to the grocery store with her and pick out snacks that you like and say I appreciate the Oatmeal cream pies but I do like "this" better..

You are going to have to take control of your life and work around this slowly. I might open a dialog about food, things you want to try, etc.. and ask her if she can divvy up something with her twist on it..

snowflakesav

Some of this is part of the weight loss journey. Boundaries and having a sense of respect for ourselves is so key to being successful. the Journey isn't just physical...this is so key.

this is not about her not understanding what you need to do to lose weight. this is about her being disrepectful

There is a book called "where you end and I begin" that describes how to work with relationships with manipulative disrespectful situations. It helps us set boundaries with people who aren't respectful. there is a load of good information on setting boundaries available.

For now...be prepared to let her know:
"My size and what I eat is none of your business and I want you to keep those thoughts to yourself."
" I choose to not eat some of the foods you prepare and purchase because they create problems for my health"

I know she is your Grandmother and of course you love and adore her. However you are a grown woman and she will need to adjust to treating you as a grown woman. Try being kind but direct with her about what your wishes are. Be persistent is she needs to be reminded of the choices you are making to lose weight.

weird_me2

When I read your title my first thought was that you have to take personal responsibility. No one can enable you if you don't want them to. I know that's easier said than done, but you have to be prepared to deal with all of the situations that will arise as you try to lose weight. How you learn to deal with these situations will help determine your success. There will always be another birthday party or grandma handing you a plate of cookies or something like that. You can choose to partake or choose not to.

As far as how bad her meals are - if the other people in the house are a normal weight, I would venture that most of her meals can't be all that bad. If she is doing the cooking and you are not able or willing to make your own meals, practice portion control and fill the rest of your plate or day with lower calorie options to help make it easier to succeed. There's no reason why you can't also fit in an oatmeal cream pie. Last I checked, they were only about 150 calories each, right? If you really want one, work it in to your day.

If the foods around you aren't what you really want, then learn to walk away from it. Learn how to eat for hunger and not boredom, anger, stress, happiness or whatever else may be your reason for eating. It's hard to do. I've never really learned how to do this which is why I still struggle and haven't met my weight loss goals. It's a daily battle, but I feel like I'm learning over time.

tulips_and_tea

snowflakesav wrote: »

Some of this is part of the weight loss journey. Boundaries and having a sense of respect for ourselves is so key to being successful. the Journey isn't just physical...this is so key.

this is not about her not understanding what you need to do to lose weight. this is about her being disrepectful

There is a book called "where you end and I begin" that describes how to work with relationships with manipulative disrespectful situations. It helps us set boundaries with people who aren't respectful. there is a load of good information on setting boundaries available.

For now...be prepared to let her know:
"My size and what I eat is none of your business and I want you to keep those thoughts to yourself."
" I choose to not eat some of the foods you prepare and purchase because they create problems for my health"

I know she is your Grandmother and of course you love and adore her. However you are a grown woman and she will need to adjust to treating you as a grown woman. Try being kind but direct with her about what your wishes are. Be persistent is she needs to be reminded of the choices you are making to lose weight.

This is good advice. Also, is this a temporary situation? Or long term? I guess it doesn't matter as you need to learn how to take control of all situations because if it wasn't this getting in your way it would be something else. That's just life.

I would talk to your grandmother (as noted above) and since she seems to equate food with love I'd specifically tell her that just because you didn't eat or don't want to eat something she cooks does not mean you love her any less! Repeat as necessary. I imagine that will be often.

PaulaWallaDingDong

Three words. "no thanks, grandma." If that doesn't work, you could try saying them more assertively, but please don't go into a tantrum like certain other members who curse out their moms for giving them chicken nuggets. If you must eat what she cooks, start portioning out your food to fit your calorie goal. If she tries to make you eat more, then "no thanks, grandma" still applies.

spzjlb

There are piles of people on this site that eat a normal family supper because it is just easier for them (myself included). We eat a modest, high protein breakfast and lunch that are low enough in calories so we can then fit in to our allotment the same suppers that our kids/spouses are eating.

Perhaps this strategy will work with your Grandmother. Eat her supper (small quantities so that the calories fit) and you can take full control of your breakfasts, lunches and snacks.

Good luck!

bshrom

The best advice I can give is only you control what you put in your mouth. You can't risk your health and happiness to spare your grandmother feelings. I tell my family straight out I'm not being rude but this is my journey I'm putting everything into this to save my life so I'm sorry your feelings are hurt that I'm not eating your cookies lol You just need to stand up for yourself girl! This is about you and only you nobody else

NH_1970

Use "I statements" you can search for it online on how to do them, when explaining to your grandmother why eating healthy works for you, and why you want to lose weight, and how you know she loves you and "I would love to have a hug from you every single day, because that's a healthy way to show me love." My mom is a let me love you by feeding you kind of lady, and critical of weight, and basically I had to sit with her and talk to her about it and then if she fussed at me after that, I just let her fuss it's my body and health not hers and she likes to gripe when she's in a bad mood.

Meganthedogmom

It's not easy, but yeah, basically what everyone else said.
I feel your struggle. I get aggravated with people a lot. For me, it's no one I live with (thankfully), but it's people at work who want to "food rape" me (that's what I call it, haha). For some reason people think it's okay to try and pressure me into eating crap. I didn't grab one of those donuts, so it's, "omg make sure you get a donut!!! Aren't you going to get a donut?!!! There's chocolate milk, too! Come on, you have to have at least ONE!"
No, I don't. People don't really understand. Yes, of course I'd like to have that freaking donut. Is it in my plan for the day? No. Will I feel like crap after I eat it? Yes. Leave me alone!
Self-discipline can be super difficult, but it's necessary. No one is gonna do it for you.

IAmTheGlue

I kind of understand where you are coming from. My mom is a food pusher. She is also morbidly obese and has been on one diet after another my entire life. I grew up seeing some bizarre and unhealthy behavior towards food.

I'm 38 and I don't live with her as I have my own family, so my situation is different. But anyway, when I go up her house with my children, she likes to push food. She will say "I bought 4 kinds of cookies and there are x of us so we can all have 8 cookies" & start handing them out. When you reject any of these cookies, you would think that you were spitting on her shoes. She gets mad if you aren't scarfing down whatever she has decided that you need to eat. She has already decided what you are eating and how much before you even show up.

If this is similar to what you are dealig with, I have found that it gets easier and easier to stand up for yourself with practice. I have a limited amount of calories a day. Could I eat 8 cookies? Yeah, but I'm going to feel like complete crap and be starving the rest of the day.

It's your body. You are the only person who gets to decide what you put in it. Be as gentle as possible with your Grandma especially if she's a food=love person. Eat what you actually like in reasonable portions. Say no as nice as you can when you are not interested in the item offered.

Yes , you can have an oatmeal creme pie or mac and cheese. You can have cheesecake and pizza and cookies, just eat appropriate portions for your goals.

Saying no definitely gets easier with time. Good luck!

Annr

maybe if you show her this program....print out a day when you ate what she fixed and shows you went over in caloric intake... Say, "I really want to learn to eat following these perimeters Grandma". So you learn how to fix a low calorie version of her mac and cheese. You make some oatmeal cookies, with lots of great ingredients and say I would rather make these with you, than have you buy those store bought oatmeal things. I so would give everything, if I could talk to my grandparents like that. So appreciate her intensions, and realize that she grew up probably with no say in what she ate, (and she was grateful for every morsel....that is how my grandparents felt). If you are there for the long term, you both need to work together :-)