Spousal Influence
Replies
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While I know people are saying to just "exercise self control", I know it can be hard to do. It's difficult to change yourself when your environment is staying the same, especially when that environment is filled with things that often gave you comfort. Aside from that, studies have shown that people are more likely to reach their health goals if their partner is doing it with them. Your husband not wanting to join you in your lifestyle change can be disheartening and frustrating. I totally get that.
However, just as he should give you the freedom to make your own choices in Life, the same is true about how you should view his choices. Mutual respect for each other's lifestyles is important to any relationship, even though his way of living makes your own more difficult.
Maybe sit down and talk to him about this. Without asking him to change, you can say something just like you told us. Example: "Hey, I'm really proud of my weight loss, but I'm worried about gaining weight when there is tempting food in the house. How can we work together to help me achieve my goals of a healthy lifestyle? I have some ideas, but I want to hear yours, too."
You may find he has some ideas to help you that you may not have thought of - ideas that allow him to eat what he likes and for you to maintain a healthy weight. Significant others are here to support us, so maybe a non-confrontational conversation can make that a reality.
I hope this helped; best of luck in your weight loss/maintenence journey!0 -
My boyfriend is the same way with...everything. He supports me but still keeps the junk food in the house. We've made a deal - I do the grocery shopping, I make the meals but one rule...no "weird" food (ie: Tofu, mushrooms, veggie pasta). I buy the treats he really likes, one or two at a time so there isn't ton in the house. I make lower calorie subs of comfort food he likes to eat and I portion it correctly for myself. When he has sweets I take a bite - not portion my own or else I'll go over board, I wait til he is eating it. I agree with the self control... coming from someone that LOVES to eat, if you really want it you'll keep going with it no matter what. Good luck!0
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barbecuesauce wrote: »I am amazed by how politically correct are the most of suggestions: it's your problem not his, it's still possible, you need more discipline, etc.
I agree of course he doesn't need to align with everything...but... if he's is not helping you and you told him and made clear it's important thing for you, quite frankly I think it's fair expectation to get some help, support and little sacrifice from the spouse.
So, take the drastic approach and stop sex until he throws away all tempting food !
... and "may the force be with you"...
My 2 cents
Yes weaponize sex this is good and healthy for your marriage this nerd knows what's up
Wow... that was the most crazy suggestion ever, and the best response!0 -
I'd ask him to hide the things he knows I like on the top shelf (out of my sight... I'm short) or in his room.0
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I am amazed by how politically correct are the most of suggestions: it's your problem not his, it's still possible, you need more discipline, etc.
I agree of course he doesn't need to align with everything...but... if he's is not helping you and you told him and made clear it's important thing for you, quite frankly I think it's fair expectation to get some help, support and little sacrifice from the spouse.
So, take the drastic approach and stop sex until he throws away all tempting food ! ... and "may the force be with you"...
My 2 cents
I really hope you are joking.
OP, it sounds like your husband is supportive. Just keep working on your own thought process as far as deciding not to eat your trouble foods goes. It is completely your issue. Is it hard? Well, yeah, of course. Most things worth doing are at least a little bit difficult. But it gets easier over time. A lot easier.
Thank your husband for going on walks with you. That's a great couples activity.0 -
My wife really didn't start exercising regularly again until I was months into my good livin'...as she saw me losing weight and getting fit, this motivated her to start doing some things again as well. She is a former athlete like I am but we had both become rather sedentary.
In RE to the food and whatnot, all I can say is that right now I'm in a cut and my wife isn't...she likes to drink wine pretty much nightly and doesn't have any issue doing that and maintaining her weight...I have a great deal of difficulty drinking alcohol regularly and cutting...it's just hard to fit it in and get my nutrition. I don't ask my wife not to indulge, I just exercise self control and have a glass or two on Wednesday evening and have some drinks on the weekend.
It works the same with food...you just have to practice self control.0 -
There are certain foods that are total trigger foods for me and my husband just didn't get it. Well that was until he bought Vienna Fingers for himself on a Saturday and then looked for them on Wednesday to find that 3/4 of the package was gone. I was like they are really good. After that he understood that certain foods will not work for me.
However, I am like you, I slip back all the time into the easy. My husband does keep a lot of the junk out of the house. Also he got a new job and gained a lot of weight. He eliminated most of the cookies and such, well he is down 30 lbs without trying (I hate him sometimes). So mostly its not around, but there are some things now and again, but mostly I can resist or he hides it from me. I once knew he had Oreos in the house and asked him for some he gave me 3 as I asked and that was it.
One of the things with my husband is that all the women he knew who lost weight when married, divorced their husbands, so he is worried that I will get thin and leave him. This is silly of course, but he definitely sabotages me now and again. I then point out that I am losing because I feel better eating healthy and he stops, then does it again.
So my advice is talk to your husband, ask him if he can hide some of your trigger foods. Also if chips and such are around, have carrots ready to munch on, etc.0 -
Your husband is accountable to himself for his decisions, you are accountable to yourself for yours. My kids like ice cream. My husband likes chips. I keep both in the house, and I only partake if I have the calories to spend for the day.
That's just how it is. You CAN control yourself. It's difficult but not impossible. You have choices. The food is not like Homer's sirens, luring you to your death with their sweet songs....it's an inanimate object; you choose to eat it or not.
I do not believe in making your spouse conform to your needs.
This!
After losing 40+ lbs, this is what I've learned - my husband wants to eat what he wants to eat, and he will eat it--even if I "can't" (read: choose not to).
A big part of my weight loss this go-around is learning that I don't have to cut things out of my diet to lose weight. Calories in, calories out. If my husband wants cookie butter ice cream from Trader Joe's, we buy it. He eats his portion straight out of the tub--I get out a small ramekin and weigh out a serving size (or less). He buys Cheetos/Doritos--I portion out an exact serving in a dish/Ziploc bag and don't go back for seconds, while he eats to his heart's content straight outta the bag.
I pre-track my meals so I stay accountable. I fit in treats so I don't ever resent my husband (friends/coworkers/relatives, etc.) for eating whatever he wants without gaining an ounce. When I make meals, I cook things that he likes, even if they are calorie-dense, and just make sure that my portions make sense. It comes down to compromise. I compromise by not forcing my new lifestyle on him, and he compromises by not tempting me with pepperoni pizza every night of the week
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jhamptonsleboda wrote: »Your husband is accountable to himself for his decisions, you are accountable to yourself for yours. My kids like ice cream. My husband likes chips. I keep both in the house, and I only partake if I have the calories to spend for the day.
That's just how it is. You CAN control yourself. It's difficult but not impossible. You have choices. The food is not like Homer's sirens, luring you to your death with their sweet songs....it's an inanimate object; you choose to eat it or not.
I do not believe in making your spouse conform to your needs.
This!
After losing 40+ lbs, this is what I've learned - my husband wants to eat what he wants to eat, and he will eat it--even if I "can't" (read: choose not to).
A big part of my weight loss this go-around is learning that I don't have to cut things out of my diet to lose weight. Calories in, calories out. If my husband wants cookie butter ice cream from Trader Joe's, we buy it. He eats his portion straight out of the tub--I get out a small ramekin and weigh out a serving size (or less). He buys Cheetos/Doritos--I portion out an exact serving in a dish/Ziploc bag and don't go back for seconds, while he eats to his heart's content straight outta the bag.
I pre-track my meals so I stay accountable. I fit in treats so I don't ever resent my husband (friends/coworkers/relatives, etc.) for eating whatever he wants without gaining an ounce. When I make meals, I cook things that he likes, even if they are calorie-dense, and just make sure that my portions make sense. It comes down to compromise. I compromise by not forcing my new lifestyle on him, and he compromises by not tempting me with pepperoni pizza every night of the week
I agree with this. I will still have what my kids/spouse are having. Yesterday we had a picnic at the beach, I portioned out chips, cheese cubes, apple slices, baby carrots, and my pb2 and honey sandwich. They all had the same stuff, but I portioned out mine so I wasn't tempted to keep eating the entire bag of cheese cubes. We had the same picnic. I didn't feel left out and we all got to have the same meal. I just knew exactly how much of everything I could have ahead of time.
Sometimes it is still a struggle, like when my husband pulls out the Cadbury mini eggs and I'm done with calories for the day. But a diet soda, or big glass of water usually takes care of the momentary "jealous" itch.0 -
barbecuesauce wrote: »I am amazed by how politically correct are the most of suggestions: it's your problem not his, it's still possible, you need more discipline, etc.
I agree of course he doesn't need to align with everything...but... if he's is not helping you and you told him and made clear it's important thing for you, quite frankly I think it's fair expectation to get some help, support and little sacrifice from the spouse.
So, take the drastic approach and stop sex until he throws away all tempting food ! ... and "may the force be with you"...
My 2 cents
Yes weaponize sex this is good and healthy for your marriage this nerd knows what's up
Hey you kill my self esteem calling me nerd !0 -
I am amazed by how politically correct are the most of suggestions: it's your problem not his, it's still possible, you need more discipline, etc.
I agree of course he doesn't need to align with everything...but... if he's is not helping you and you told him and made clear it's important thing for you, quite frankly I think it's fair expectation to get some help, support and little sacrifice from the spouse.
So, take the drastic approach and stop sex until he throws away all tempting food ! ... and "may the force be with you"...
My 2 cents
This is the most ridiculous piece of advice I have ever heard. 'Stop sex until he throws away all tempting food'.
Don't blackmail your partner with sex. In fact, don't blackmail your partner full stop....pretty sure that's one of those things people in loving relationships DON'T do.
Also, as people have said, there isn't really too much you can (or should) do. YOU have made the decision to change your life, become healthier; that is not a decision he has made. If it is a case of he is buying the same old foods that you no longer want to eat, I'm afraid you're just going to have to learn some self-control, I wouldn't call that him being unsupportive.
If, however, he is going out and buying foods he knows you love, and then waving them under your face and trying to persuade you to eat them, them yes, that is unsupportive. I know it is tough, I have a partner who doesn't worry about what he eats and so has no problem whipping out a tub of Ben and Jerry's! But you CAN do it, and it does get easier!
My advice would be to portion things up; so, if you have a pack of biscuits, put them into bags of three and say 'this is X amount of calories-this is all I will have).
Pre-plan meals.
Look for low-calorie alternatives, (not just 'low calorie' foods, but substitutions; one of my favourite desserts was a ton of Ben and Jerry's, but I've swapped that for a couple of scoops of strawberry ice cream with a meringue's nest, which is super yummy and lower calories).
Be as active as you can!
And, most of all, use this place! I have found the people here are great for supporting me and kicking my butt when I need it. Good luck 0 -
i don't think i have much to add to what's already been said. Whether you are at home, or driving past a Dairy Queen, you will have temptations. What you are choosing to do by being here, is choosing to change your lifestyle. Part of that is not only the tracking, but learning to live within this world full of temptations, and being able to resist them (when necessary).
My wife constantly snacks on jelly beans, and gummies. My son has oodles of candy from Halloween, Christmas and Easter. I'm not making my 4 year old throw away candy, because daddy needs a Kit Kat.0 -
Talk to him, let him know how you feel, don't say anything in anger. Try not to notice he is setting little tempting foods out. The more you react the more he will continue. Sometimes husbands dont understand us and we don't understand them. We have to keep studying each other because as time goes on people change. Who knows maybe he is bragging to his friends that you haven't deviated from your diet. He could secretly be proud of you.
Talk to him. A successful marriage is all about communication. Been married 14 years and trust my husband is setting food traps for me but I laugh it off and joke that he may need to lose some small weight but he knows I'm only joking with him. Omg, just read the with old sex comment, how ridiculous, tease him and tempt him and do more, you lose more weight and tone up
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My wife made no changes at all when I was losing weight. She still had snacks in the house, wine in the fridge...
In fact she did absolutely nothing to help me in what I was doing. She didnt change her eating or shopping habits, she didnt get into working out or anything.
And Im fine with that, at no point did I expect anything else from her. This was my thing, my goal, my journey - it was something I needed to do by myself.
And in learning to not snack on the things in the cupboard, or drink the wine in the fridge etc I got the benefit of one of the biggest lessons I needed to learn.0 -
samhennings wrote: »My wife made no changes at all when I was losing weight. She still had snacks in the house, wine in the fridge...
In fact she did absolutely nothing to help me in what I was doing. She didnt change her eating or shopping habits, she didnt get into working out or anything.
And Im fine with that, at no point did I expect anything else from her. This was my thing, my goal, my journey - it was something I needed to do by myself.
And in learning to not snack on the things in the cupboard, or drink the wine in the fridge etc I got the benefit of one of the biggest lessons I needed to learn.
Same here.
I didn't even tell her I was starting to lose weight. I just started one day. I didn't want it to be a production or an event. I just wanted to do it quietly and get things under control myself.0 -
The furthest I would go is to request that he keeps his snacks in a top cupboard, where I wouldn't see them every time I went to get something for myself. Although I did ask my boyfriend to stop eating chips in bed because I can't have just 5 when he's sitting there munching for hours. We compromised and he brings a bowl - a limited portion, and when it's gone, it's gone. Otherwise, I make sure that I have lots of snacks that I like. I don't mind spending the extra money on pre-portioned snacks, which really helps me not feel deprived.0
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There is nothing more unfair than expecting others to conform when you try to change. You control you and you alone. Leave him out of the equation, and certainly don't tell him that any weight you gain, or any inability to lose, is his responsibility. It isn't. Your body is all yours and his is all his. Just like he can't shove a cookie down your throat, you can't pull one out of his.0
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barbecuesauce wrote: »I am amazed by how politically correct are the most of suggestions: it's your problem not his, it's still possible, you need more discipline, etc.
I agree of course he doesn't need to align with everything...but... if he's is not helping you and you told him and made clear it's important thing for you, quite frankly I think it's fair expectation to get some help, support and little sacrifice from the spouse.
So, take the drastic approach and stop sex until he throws away all tempting food ! ... and "may the force be with you"...
My 2 cents
Yes weaponize sex this is good and healthy for your marriage this nerd knows what's up
Hey you kill my self esteem calling me nerd !
You made a Star Wars reference and your advice suggests that you've never had an adult relationship. If the shoe fits . . .0 -
When I grocery shop for my family, it never even occurs to me to buy chips or candy. I buy *food.* I make healthy meals. If my husband wants "snacks" he buys them himself and keeps them in his home office or at his business. I can't say that I'm really "tempted" by his snacks - I didn't grow up with snacks in the house, so I don't buy them because they just don't seem to register as "staple items" unless he's in the store with me, bringing back items from isles I never go down... - but this system works for us. He doesn't resent me for not buying his snacks, because he knows I don't really eat them. I don't resent him for having snacks, because I didn't buy them. He did. They're his.
Think about what kind of delineation will work for you, mentally, and ask him to work with you until you've developed enough self control to handle temptation.0
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