loving yourself not the number on the scale. What I learned through my 90lb loss.

Jenepher1202

So many people have told me what an encouragement I have been to them on their personal journey with self image. And I love that my journey encourages them, but it also comes with a disclaimer... Just as money doesn't buy happiness neither does the number on the scale.... The last few weeks I have really been struggling with self image-more than I had before, so I thought I would share my story with you.
When I first started this, I was 230lbs wearing size 18. I drank soda all day, and even though I ate somewhat "heathy", portion control was/is my problem. The amount of food I could/can eat in one sitting was/is disgusting. But than the number I saw on the scale, more than my physical health.....emotionally & mentally I was dieing. I had zero self confidence and did not care to give any time to my appearance. I knew my weight was getting out of control but was able to make excuses for quite some time. Getting married, loosing a brother at 17, then to have another brother die the night before my wedding, having a baby, being a mom, ect. I got through that time by laughing at myself and making fat girl jokes. This was a way to protect myself bc then-I felt people were laughing with me instead of at me. I was constantly trying to make myself believe I liked the way I was, and attempted to prove to people I was proud of my "curves". I tried several different diets along the way but none provided me with lasting results. In February 2014, I was working out with a personal trainer, and he said "One day it's just got to click, what is it going to take to make it click in your head?". After really considering his question, what's it going to take, I began to see the negative impact my weight had on my life. I decided it was time for a change. I downloaded MyFitnessPal and started. I stuck to the guidelines it gave me. It wasn't until I had lost the first 30lbs I really noticed a difference. People began noticing and it gave me a boost of will power. At about 60lbs I hit my first "low" of my journey. This is when I started to notice people treating me different. Strangers, friends, and even family. While I don't feel anybody intentionally tried to say hurtful things. It happened. Before I had only assumed my weight had a negative effect on people and my relationships with them. But those assumptions were becoming truth. Most interactions changed for the better, but that didn't stop the hurt of knowing how much my physical appearance played a part in my relationships. Some of the comments, most made with a good heart, seemed so mean. I was asked numerous times if I thought I would be able keep the weight off. Really? Now think about that. What kind of question is that? Like all I know how to do is be fat? I won't go through all the comments that were said, but so many made me feel like I wasn't important before, as if now that I'm thinner life must be perfect.. That being skinny fixes everything. I then realized I don't fit in a category anymore, I'm not big enough to be fat or thin enough to be skinny. Which may not sound like a big deal, but everybody wants to be apart of something-even if it the big bottom club. When you find yourself in that "grey" area-in any area of your life- it can be disheartening. Your either too much or not enough. When I hit my weight goal of 150(80lbs loss) it was mixed emotions. I am beyond proud of myself and happy to be at a healthy size. I love that I can shop in normal stores! Did I expect I was going to love my body? I did. Do I? Not even close. I had dreamed of weighing 150lbs and putting on a bikini then rocking that thing like nobody's business. I dreamed for so long what I thought my body would look like, and how it would be amazing! That I would feel like I was on top of the world. So how do I feel? You really want to know? I feel lost. I feel disappointed and disgusted when I look in the mirror. Before, my weight was who I was. The body shaming, the jokes, personality, the number, it all became my identity. I never sat in front of mirror nick-picking my body. I didn't feel pressure when picking out clothes, bc I felt it didn't matter. I was big-it was obvious, and that's just who I was. Now I find myself standing in front of mirror for long periods of time, pulling skin this way or that way, criticizing every little detail. I'm more harsh on myself than I ever was before. Do I know I shouldn't be? of course I do. does that matter? No. What have I learned to be the "truth"? Doesn't matter how big or small you are, body shaming is there. I have yet to meet a single person who thinks their body is perfect. Nothing is perfect which means there is always room for improvement, regardless of the number you see on the scale. I haven't found the key to loving my body yet, but I feel like I'm on that journey. Of course I hope to get to the point where I can love and accept my body, but I really don't know if I ever will get there. Until then I will try to not be as hard on myself, I will try to find the little things I do like, and I will continue to train my mind and body to be better and stronger than before. I encourage you to do the same. If you are on the journey, great, but don't make the same mistake I did- Be on the journey to love your body not the number on the scale!

alias1001

Thank you for sharing!

Meeezonajourney

Amen sister! I think your story is one that should be told as it is very typical of this journey. Self love is the hardest especially for women. All I have to say is you were beautiful then and now but not because of your outward appearance. It's because of the person you are. Hard to separate the two I know but you can do this!!

vixtris

What a story! I'm sorry you feel that way about yourself. It will take time and reassurance from those you love. Those people who say hurtful things just need to be taken out of your life - or confronted how you feel when they say those things. But you were beautiful then and now, just healthier. Keep remembering about all that you have accomplished and keep your head held high when people start talking trash, because you know they probably aren't anywhere close to as strong as you!

DeterminedFee201426

yea the scale can be a mental bother ! (really) iam slowly weining my self off the scale and using measuring tape more often .. My goal mainly is inches losted not pounds ... i've made it to my goal 115 lbs and still not happy ..I love my body more then before but i really could love it more than i do.I've had non scale victorys even tho the number has'nt moved for months ,>>>>>>>> like losing 4 and almost 5 inches off my waist and other parts of my body seeing more definiton in my body and feeling just good overall at my size ..I was gonna go to weight as low as 105 but i changed my mind.Iam slowly moving into maintience now uping my calories 50-70 more per month .

DeterminedFee201426

Jenepher1202 wrote: »

So many people have told me what an encouragement I have been to them on their personal journey with self image. And I love that my journey encourages them, but it also comes with a disclaimer... Just as money doesn't buy happiness neither does the number on the scale.... The last few weeks I have really been struggling with self image-more than I had before, so I thought I would share my story with you.
When I first started this, I was 230lbs wearing size 18. I drank soda all day, and even though I ate somewhat "heathy", portion control was/is my problem. The amount of food I could/can eat in one sitting was/is disgusting. But than the number I saw on the scale, more than my physical health.....emotionally & mentally I was dieing. I had zero self confidence and did not care to give any time to my appearance. I knew my weight was getting out of control but was able to make excuses for quite some time. Getting married, loosing a brother at 17, then to have another brother die the night before my wedding, having a baby, being a mom, ect. I got through that time by laughing at myself and making fat girl jokes. This was a way to protect myself bc then-I felt people were laughing with me instead of at me. I was constantly trying to make myself believe I liked the way I was, and attempted to prove to people I was proud of my "curves". I tried several different diets along the way but none provided me with lasting results. In February 2014, I was working out with a personal trainer, and he said "One day it's just got to click, what is it going to take to make it click in your head?". After really considering his question, what's it going to take, I began to see the negative impact my weight had on my life. I decided it was time for a change. I downloaded MyFitnessPal and started. I stuck to the guidelines it gave me. It wasn't until I had lost the first 30lbs I really noticed a difference. People began noticing and it gave me a boost of will power. At about 60lbs I hit my first "low" of my journey. This is when I started to notice people treating me different. Strangers, friends, and even family. While I don't feel anybody intentionally tried to say hurtful things. It happened. Before I had only assumed my weight had a negative effect on people and my relationships with them. But those assumptions were becoming truth. Most interactions changed for the better, but that didn't stop the hurt of knowing how much my physical appearance played a part in my relationships. Some of the comments, most made with a good heart, seemed so mean. I was asked numerous times if I thought I would be able keep the weight off. Really? Now think about that. What kind of question is that? Like all I know how to do is be fat? I won't go through all the comments that were said, but so many made me feel like I wasn't important before, as if now that I'm thinner life must be perfect.. That being skinny fixes everything. I then realized I don't fit in a category anymore, I'm not big enough to be fat or thin enough to be skinny. Which may not sound like a big deal, but everybody wants to be apart of something-even if it the big bottom club. When you find yourself in that "grey" area-in any area of your life- it can be disheartening. Your either too much or not enough. When I hit my weight goal of 150(80lbs loss) it was mixed emotions. I am beyond proud of myself and happy to be at a healthy size. I love that I can shop in normal stores! Did I expect I was going to love my body? I did. Do I? Not even close. I had dreamed of weighing 150lbs and putting on a bikini then rocking that thing like nobody's business. I dreamed for so long what I thought my body would look like, and how it would be amazing! That I would feel like I was on top of the world. So how do I feel? You really want to know? I feel lost. I feel disappointed and disgusted when I look in the mirror. Before, my weight was who I was. The body shaming, the jokes, personality, the number, it all became my identity. I never sat in front of mirror nick-picking my body. I didn't feel pressure when picking out clothes, bc I felt it didn't matter. I was big-it was obvious, and that's just who I was. Now I find myself standing in front of mirror for long periods of time, pulling skin this way or that way, criticizing every little detail. I'm more harsh on myself than I ever was before. Do I know I shouldn't be? of course I do. does that matter? No. What have I learned to be the "truth"? Doesn't matter how big or small you are, body shaming is there. I have yet to meet a single person who thinks their body is perfect. Nothing is perfect which means there is always room for improvement, regardless of the number you see on the scale. I haven't found the key to loving my body yet, but I feel like I'm on that journey. Of course I hope to get to the point where I can love and accept my body, but I really don't know if I ever will get there. Until then I will try to not be as hard on myself, I will try to find the little things I do like, and I will continue to train my mind and body to be better and stronger than before. I encourage you to do the same. If you are on the journey, great, but don't make the same mistake I did- Be on the journey to love your body not the number on the scale!

And congratulations on your goals !

brentopia

What a touching story! You look wonderful and should be proud of your hard work and the pay off. But you were pretty before, as well. Thanks for sharing! ^_^

Patriots96

wow! You are so beautiful now and then! Congrats! I know what you mean about not mentally adjusting to your new size. it is a mindset and is difficult to change that. But you have done it and should hold your head high!!!!

verhunzt

Wooow thanks for sharing, you're great!

Jenepher1202

Thank you

amozanich

I think you were gorgeous before and gorgeous now. I am starting to have similar experiences after losing nearly 50 of the 80-90 lbs I had to lose. Thank you for sharing.

breestopher806

I'm so thankful that I got to read this.. It reminds me of me way more that I'd like to admit I'm happy you shared this. Thank you. I cried a little, no lie.

jules6669mfp

Thanks for sharing. I believe many of us have these feelings after losing weight. Proving underlying issues with loving ourselves. I hope your post opens up conversation on this. Again, thank you so much for sharing.
BTW, you look awesome

chesnity3

Thank you so much for sharing!

sandyskw1967

I understand what you are saying. I have lost 62 so far and have at least 40-60 to go, we,ll see when I get there. I know my body will not be perfect when I get there (lost a lot previously about 25 years ago and regained it) I will never have a bikini body, or a remotely perfect body, I will have some loose skin and there will be clothes I try on at the store that still will not look good on me(no matter what size I am), but I will be healthier,fitter and will have many things that I will like about my body and shape and myself in general. Getting smaller will not make all clothes automatically fit and look good, it will not fix all body areas you don,t like, it will not make everyone like you, you could still get judgements, comments, for anything anyone chooses to dislike about you, it won,t automatically make you like yourself if you don,t already. Thanks for sharing your story, lots of times I think most of us feel everything will be great and the weight loss will fix all our issues, and it couldn,t be further from the truth. Its something I think each individual has to deal with and work through, to get to the best possible place all around in their own life.

LAMCDylan

First of all, you are gorgeous. I know the mental part can be hard. I struggle with it sometimes too, just as you explain. But I also see how I physically look as only a part of me. Who I am internally; all my beliefs, values, personality, spirituality etc, all make up other parts of me and are equally important. You gotta find balance between body, mind, and soul. I think as a person I am interesting, funny, caring and all that. I prefer people to know and like me for those things rather than my physical appearance or what possessions I have. Try to see exercise and dieting as a way to be more active and physically strong. The physical "attractiveness" is only a consequence of that lifestyle. So many people get into healthy living for vain reasons and therefore it screws with them mentally. The only person you need to impress is yourself. You have to define your own value and worth in life. You have to be one of those people who is happy with yourself on the inside and therefore do not need to compete with others. Life isn't perfect and people aren't perfect, and this is all perfectly fine. Learn to accept this.

fitjulz40in12

Great post! Thank you for sharing. Weight loss is truly more than just a number on the scale. I have lost about 25 pounds so far and I thought I would feel better myself - but I do find myself pulling at other parts of my body that I couldn't grab before with one hand. I will have to make sure I work on this part of my weight loss journey as well.

mirrors2001au

Thanks for sharing, certainly opened my eyes to some things I'd never contemplated before

dramaqueen45

Very good post and very true- we are so much more than our appearance or a number on a scale.

NID2410

Firstly congratulations on achieving such a huge weight loss. It needs a lot of effort and a lot of will power and not everyone is capable of achieving the same. I did not have too much of weight to lose, but when i did shed a little of that, I used to get mean sounding comments like 'you look slimmer now, earlier you were so fat!' (with some strange facial expressions).. this when I just reduced from 58 kg to 56 kg. I wanted to slim down to show all those people that I can look good, but now my mindset has changed. I want to be fit and healthier for my own self, so that I can go hiking, running and be there for my family every single day of my future life. Hey, we really need to know for whom we are doing this...we are doing this for ourselves, we need to ignore those people and their nasty comments, or really tell them that we are what we are. I wish you good luck.

kdiamond

You are right, being skinny doesn't fix anything! It has to come from within! Obviously you have learned that, kudos to you, and you look AMAZING! More than that I can tell from your smile that you're happy with yourself, which is really the most important thing.

oedipa_maas

What a heart rending post. I wish I could say the right words to make you feel good about yourself, but I know nothing really sinks in unless it comes from within. I don't know if you've tried counseling with someone who specializes in eating/weight issues, but it did help me when I went through it. But I understand if that's not available to you or you're not interested. In any case, I'm wishing you all the good things in the world, so that someday you will truly love yourself.

believeinme0430

Thank you for sharing your story! I am working on loving myslef at the weight I am also so that I have a healthy relationship with myself. It's hard because we pick out every flaw. I hope that one day you see what everyone else does. You are beautiful!

Nataliegetfit

I am afraid I may feel the same way as you do when I get to my goal. I used to be very underweight as a teenager and hated my body then, now I still have 25or so lbs to loose (lost 25 already) and I know I will still be picking out the flaws in myself, but I hope I won't. It's not really a number I am looking for, it's looking fit and healthy, no large amounts of fat here and there. I want to be healthy and have the energy to do things with my family and not get any bigger as I get older. I know we are all our worst critics. When I see your picture, I see a very beautiful and healthy looking woman. I know everyone else sees it too. We can't get so down on ourselves. No one is perfect, we all have things we don't like about ourselves, but everyone else isn't seeing it. If people are saying things to you go make you feel like you didn't have any worth when you were heavier, you may need to stay away from them, or say something to make them realize they are total jerks. You were a very beautiful girl in your before picture too, but your current picture, shows me a girl who is beautiful and healthy and can do anything she sets her mind to. Congratulations on your new healthy life and don't let anyone get you down. Maybe a specialized councelor on the subject would be a great help for you.

Nataliegetfit

I am afraid I may feel the same way as you do when I get to my goal. I used to be very underweight as a teenager and hated my body then, now I still have 25or so lbs to loose (lost 25 already) and I know I will still be picking out the flaws in myself, but I hope I won't. It's not really a number I am looking for, it's looking fit and healthy, no large amounts of fat here and there. I want to be healthy and have the energy to do things with my family and not get any bigger as I get older. I know we are all our worst critics. When I see your picture, I see a very beautiful and healthy looking woman. I know everyone else sees it too. We can't get so down on ourselves. No one is perfect, we all have things we don't like about ourselves, but everyone else isn't seeing it. If people are saying things to you go make you feel like you didn't have any worth when you were heavier, you may need to stay away from them, or say something to make them realize they are total jerks. You were a very beautiful girl in your before picture too, but your current picture, shows me a girl who is beautiful and healthy and can do anything she sets her mind to. Congratulations on your new healthy life and don't let anyone get you down. Maybe a specialized councelor on the subject would be a great help for you.

JohnBarth

You've made amazing transformation in many ways. Thank you for sharing, and best wishes for your continued success!

If you want any local friends, my wife and I live just north of Greenville. :-)

opalsqueak007

You are a beautiful woman with a stunning figure.

Your post is full of insights. I do hope that your image of yourself will catch up with what we can see. I can relate to some of what you have said - in particular, I was always proud of being a big and imposing person who took up a lot of space. Now, I look so much smaller, and people are much nicer to me than they were. It's all a bit confusing. Congratulations on your great achievement

erojoy

Congrats on your success, but honestly this was very depressing. I'm not sure how to feel after reading this. I hope you find your happiness.

kmg3614

Perfectly said...

Mindsiview

sandyskw1967 wrote: »

I understand what you are saying. I have lost 62 so far and have at least 40-60 to go, we,ll see when I get there. I know my body will not be perfect when I get there (lost a lot previously about 25 years ago and regained it) I will never have a bikini body, or a remotely perfect body, I will have some loose skin and there will be clothes I try on at the store that still will not look good on me(no matter what size I am), but I will be healthier,fitter and will have many things that I will like about my body and shape and myself in general. Getting smaller will not make all clothes automatically fit and look good, it will not fix all body areas you don,t like, it will not make everyone like you, you could still get judgements, comments, for anything anyone chooses to dislike about you, it won,t automatically make you like yourself if you don,t already. Thanks for sharing your story, lots of times I think most of us feel everything will be great and the weight loss will fix all our issues, and it couldn,t be further from the truth. Its something I think each individual has to deal with and work through, to get to the best possible place all around in their own life.

This! You are a beautiful girl, inside and out, heavy and thin. Start to believe that and what other's think will begin to be put into perspective. Wish I'd known this when I was your age, trust me. But start learning it now. Demand respect from yourself. You deserve it.

Qskim

I can very much relate to this. In an odd way, realising that nobody was 100% happy with their body at any size helped me start. I let go of what I "wished" I would look like at the end and just accepted whatever would come - as it would represent the sum of all my life experiences.

It is a kind of nowhere land. I neither fit here nor there but my goal posts are about moving way beyond what I was before and what I can achieve with what I have now. It wouldn't matter how perfect that was, there's always a comparison that can rob you of joy if you let it.

So I lift, I continue to do the doing because I want to see MY best.

You've done well. Enjoy it, work with it.