Strength training and eating maintenance: Finally going for it, but it mentally feels weird.

trustymutsi

3 years ago I started this thread: http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/721017/doctor-says-i-dont-need-to-lose-anymore-weight/p1

I basically asked "My doctor says I'm at a good weight at 189 lbs, but the BMI shows me at an upper range. Is she wrong? I'm 6'2" and 43 years old. I don't look overweight with clothes on, but I want to lose this spare tire and look muscular."

Paraphrased general responses: "Eat at maintenance. Do strength training. You will gain weight in the form of lean muscle. You will lose the spare tire."

This was the overwhelming consensus. Looking back, I had a VERY hard time with the idea of eating maintenance. I think I'd been eating at a deficit for so long, I'd maybe developed a kind of eating disorder, where I REALLY feared gaining weight. So despite all the good advice, I couldn't bring myself to eat maintenance. It just freaked me out.

Fast forward to now. I've been eating at a deficit for a LONG time (usually 1,500 - 1,800 calories per day). Sometimes eating a lot of good whole foods, but most of the time eating too much processed. I'd do well for a week or two, binge, and start over. I was trying to strength train on a deficit and not eat enough protein. I did cardio. I tried "YouFood" and just take pictures of what I ate every day. NOTHING has worked.

So I finally have snapped and I'm eating maintenance, eating .7 grams of protein per lb of body weight, and am doing Stronglifts 5X5. I'm eating mostly whole foods. About 10% of my food is processed. A lot of my carbs are coming from fruit and veggies. If it's carbs, it's a whole grain, high fiber/low sugar carb. I'm eating every 3 hours.

Eating this way has been filling me up and I'm not struggling with binging for the first time in a LONG while. I always feel FULL. Foos is becoming fuel, not a hobby. It's been going like this for a week (actually TWO weeks doing Stronglifts).

So things are going well, but here's the thing: Mentally I'm REALLY struggling. It's freaking me out to eat this much. I'm weighing and measuring EVERYTHING. I'm eating good whole foods. I'm at 2,200 calories a day. I shouldn't freak out, but I am NOT used to this. Most of the last 15 years of my life has been a deficit, unless I was binging or at a point where I had given up for a week or month. I'm sticking to it, but part of my brain keeps telling me "You won't look good or be healthy eating like this. You'd always going to be dumpy and pear shaped. You'll have this spare tire forever."

The other mental struggle is the weight lifting. I started at 45 lb weights, and have been adding 5 lbs per workout. It's finally getting a little challenging, but again, I keep thinking "There's no way this will work. You're never going to build any muscle. You need to live at a gym to do that. This isn't enough. You're wasting your time."

I guess I'm just looking for some encouragement, or maybe even some stories of other people who struggled with this, but made it.

Also, I have a few questions:

1. Should I eat more than .7 grams of protein per lb? I'm not lifting enough yet for it to be a struggle, but I'm getting there. Should I just bite the bullet and go 1 gram per lb? Should I wait until I hit a wall and can't lift any more

2. Should I ADD calories yet? Should I eat enough to gain .5 a lb per week, or even 1 lb per week? Or, as with the protein, should I wait until I hit a wall and can't lift any more?

3. I'm pretty tall. Is it a mistake to do 5X5? Will that cause me to tear something? Should I go with 8 reps instead? Is less weight, more reps better or safer?

Also, here's how I currently look: http://imgur.com/1P3k186

Thanks for any advice or encouragement.