Scared to Incite Jealousy in Others

orangesapphire

Hi all, In serious need of some feedback from real people/ Trying to sort something out in my head, and I am not making progress. I have been thinking about this for a year or more.

I have come to the conclusion that I have a belief that is sabotaging my weight loss efforts. It is the belief that if I lose weight and become attractive (heaven forbid), then I will incite jealousy in others.

This belief has been cultivated through many of my life situations, and one especially traumatic event. I won't bore you with the details.

But now I think I equate losing weight and looking better to being dangerous for me.

I am hung up on the first law of power, "Never outshine the master." I am careful to not brag or talk about myself at work, wear fancy clothes, or appear great in any way to people. But I think I have gone overboard with this, and it is causing me to be very depressed.

I have only become aware of what I have been doing in the past several months.

No matter how hard I try to work it out in my head, though, I cannot get over the idea that somehow - if I am great, beautiful, accomplished, rich, or brilliant - bad things will happen to me.

Is this strange? normal? Am I right to think this? Should I bother trying to be great, beautiful, accomplished, rich, brilliant, etc.? If so, how do I get over this hurdle in my brain? I am so stuck.

Thank you so much to whomever response to this. I truly need help.

BeachGingerOnTheRocks

These are issues that you should consider seeking help from a counselor to sort out. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way and I'm sorry for whatever happened to you at a young age to make you feel this way.

You really need to sort out your emotional scars, and sometimes the only way to do that is with counseling.

Wishing you the best.

Isakizza

Traumatic events that stick with you need therapy.

Good luck.

dangerousdumpling

While I appreciate humility in a person, it sounds to me like you've taken something that is stated as a law, but is in fact, a suggestion, as law. You are not in control of what others think of you. Why let something you cannot control allow you to keep yourself from becoming healthier? What bad things may happen and who would cause these things to happen? Is it some nameless, faceless force? God? People? If you are having these thoughts you need to complete the thought and ask yourself if it's true, reasonable, or beneficial. If the answer is no you need to work on continually rejecting it whenever it comes up in your head and then replace it with a true, reasonable, and beneficial thought, thus creating a new, healthy thought. Help yourself to learn how to think true and beneficial thoughts. Just because you're thinking something doesn't mean it's true.

TX_Aggie_Dad

This brings to mind one of my favorite inspirational quotes:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne Williamson, Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"

4MYENVY

“I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence.”


― Frederick Douglass

inside_lap

Have u tried therapy. CBT would likely be helpful. Not saying ur crazy! Just saying CBT directly addresses faulty cognition a that keep us from what we want.

orangesapphire

Hi,
Thank you all for your supportive feedback.
I guess I am thinking these thoughts because I have a very competitive boss at work. I find myself acting "lesser than" just so she won't feel threatened. She is struggling to complete an associate's degree while I have two master's. I am an underachiever in every area of my life. I have stayed at the same job for ten years even though I think I am qualified for a better position.
It seems like every time in my life I have been great at anything, or showed my brilliance (I know, gag), I have been undermined by a jealous person. There was one very hurtful situation that happened three years ago. I worked as a musician for many years, part time on the weekends, aside from my regular job. Once my boss left, I was instantly thwarted by a jealous person who wanted to take over my position. He became friends with the new boss and the two ousted me for no reason. It was at that time that it really got cemeted into my head that talent does matter (because I felt confident I was really good at what I did), and being great at anything doesn't matter. If you are great at anything, people just get jealous and tear you down. I can't seem to get this out of my head, though I know this thought is truly hurting me in the long run. It is pretty much killing me. I will continue to challenge my beliefs and try ot find better ways to cope in the world.
I doubt many people have this same problem, and I feel kind of idiotic to even mention it. Part of the reason why I am posting in this forum is to find out if, in fact, other people have had this same problem ... or if it is rare.
Thank you:)

mrsriisky

I agree with PPs that some therapy might be in order- You DESERVE to be happy, and feel proud of yourself. People that have jealousy issues, well, that is a problem in themselves, and it is not your issue to worry about. Good people, the kind you want in your life, will be happy about your success. Just take a look around these forums, and the encouragement that complete strangers give each other. I have only been on here for a short period of time, but every time I see a success story, my heart fills with happiness for that person- even when they have the body I wish I could have, I view it as encouraging that someone else has made it that far, and feel motivated! I think most people that post on here feel the same way.

Please, seek some counseling to deal with the trauma that has given you this fear. You deserve to be happy, successful, any of those things you mentioned.

supplemama

Well if you lose weight you will incite jealousy in others. I have people become jealous and even offended at my weight loss. I don't care!! None of those people who wanted me to stay obese would be willing to take care of me or pay for doctor visits and medication due to obesity-induced illnesses. So...f***k them!

I even have had a few 'friends' on MFP say jealous things like say that I'm 'bragging' when I post my exercise (???) or little snipey things about 'how much time' I have to exercise. Humph I work full-time, I have a family to take care of and a household to run like everyone else. Don't be jealous of ME, when you have the same 24 hours in a day that I do.

Anyway. It's likely that those who choose to harbor jealousy towards you will not actually hurt you. Choose to no longer hurt yourself anymore. Let your light shine! Become fit and healthy and live your best life!

Give the haters the side-eye and keep it moving!


Edited to add: I also agree with and suggest therapy. It has done wonders for me.

MyChocolateDiet

Have u tried therapy. CBT would likely be helpful. Not saying ur crazy! Just saying CBT directly addresses faulty cognition a that keep us from what we want.

garber6th

I have totally been in your shoes 100% and I was unable to move forward until I worked out my problems with a really good therapist, I was stuck in a vicious cycle. Once I sorted out my issues and my life and started to care about myself and put myself first I was able to be successful in losing weight. You are so worth it and you deserve it! Please think about therapy.


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mrsriisky

Hi,
Thank you all for your supportive feedback.
I guess I am thinking these thoughts because I have a very competitive boss at work. I find myself acting "lesser than" just so she won't feel threatened. She is struggling to complete an associate's degree while I have two master's. I am an underachiever in every area of my life. I have stayed at the same job for ten years even though I think I am qualified for a better position.
It seems like every time in my life I have been great at anything, or showed my brilliance (I know, gag), I have been undermined by a jealous person. There was one very hurtful situation that happened three years ago. I worked as a musician for many years, part time on the weekends, aside from my regular job. Once my boss left, I was instantly thwarted by a jealous person who wanted to take over my position. He became friends with the new boss and the two ousted me for no reason. It was at that time that it really got cemeted into my head that talent does matter (because I felt confident I was really good at what I did), and being great at anything doesn't matter. If you are great at anything, people just get jealous and tear you down. I can't seem to get this out of my head, though I know this thought is truly hurting me in the long run. It is pretty much killing me. I will continue to challenge my beliefs and try ot find better ways to cope in the world.
I doubt many people have this same problem, and I feel kind of idiotic to even mention it. Part of the reason why I am posting in this forum is to find out if, in fact, other people have had this same problem ... or if it is rare.
Thank you:)

The fact that you say you "feel idiotic to even mention it" is telling. Look at all the people reaching out to respond to you- our experiences shape our perspectives, and it is wonderful that you are putting your thoughts into words, and realizing that this mindset is hindering you. We can't get help until we realize that something is a problem.

hdunphy23

I found counseling to help with these hidden issues. There are many negative thought patterns we establish and it takes work to re-train our brains. Good luck in your journey!

Cp731

I truly need help.

Yes, You do.

sockoholic

I don't think you are alone in fearing your light shining too brightly or in sabotaging yourself.

I do think you need to talk to someone other than people on a mfp forum...and just a suggestion...get a new job!

inside_lap

Ok, sometimes being a wall flower sets u up as a easy target. There are predictors out there that are good at identifying prey. By becoming more power, u might actually save ur self from being an unfair target to others. Just a thought from ur boss story. Hugs.

jennifershoo

This goes beyond what MFP can do for you. You need to talk to a therapist. Good luck :flowerforyou:

dangerousdumpling

people just get jealous and tear you down. I can't seem to get this out of my head, though I know this thought is truly hurting me in the long run. It is pretty much killing me. I will continue to challenge my beliefs and try ot find better ways to cope in the world.
I doubt many people have this same problem, and I feel kind of idiotic to even mention it. Part of the reason why I am posting in this forum is to find out if, in fact, other people have had this same problem ... or if it is rare.
Thank you:)

The fact of the matter is that people can try to tear us down but are only successful if we let them. One negative experience involving your talent does not mean that everything involving your talent will lead to something negative.

You're not an idiot to want to talk about this. People have thoughts that they aren't comfortable talking about all the time. You aren't the only one. Remember that you are in control of your own thoughts. It's your head and you're in control of what's going on inside of it. If you work on it you can eliminate these thoughts. You may need some outside help to do it and there's no shame in that. At all. If it's killing you then you should want to change it and be willing to do whatever it takes to do it. This may sound more harsh than I mean it to but if it's bothering you that much and you don't take any steps whatsoever to change it then there must be some kind of payoff for you to continue thinking that way. Sometimes we choose what we consider to be "safety" so we don't have to go out on a limb. The truth is that this "safety" doesn't really exist. Nothing in this life is guaranteed.

Dunkirk

I am hung up on the first law of power, "Never outshine the master."

Sounds like a bad, inferior master. Hope this helps a bit with your perspective. Hugs.

Beanie008

I agree with other posters, going to see a councillor is extremely helpful. They can offer insight that you may have through about before, but can put it in a way that turns on a light.

But IMO - you can either bide your time being miserable because you are forcing yourself to be mediocre in certain aspects of your life, or you can kick all that negative talk aside and show them and you who you really are and what you are really capable of. The difference is that as you are now, you are the one to blame. Instead, give yourself a shake, hold your head up high and do everything to the best of your ability. The only person who can make you feel bad about yourself is you. The only person you can control is you, so it's time to forget about everyone else!

Lets see you kick a little a**!!! :happy:

SteveStedge

Sounds like a built-in excuse to never accomplish anything. Seriously that has to be the biggest bit of rationalization I've heard in a long time.

MzPix

Those of us who have been busting our butts our entire lives to overcome barriers and challenges only to be met with bullying, ridicule, and constant insult would give anything to be ever so brilliant, charming, powerful, and gorgeous that we would get an opportunity to even consider whether or not someone might be jealous of us. What’s that feel like?

orangesapphire

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. You have given me a lot to read and digest. I appreciate the help. I had expected some responses I would not like, which is why I hesitated for so long to make this post. I am by no means better than anyone else, but I have witnessed too many times situations which involve envy and jealousy. I feel like an oddball even mentioning this, because I don't even know if other people have had problems with people being jealous of them. The movie, The Bodyguard, which I just watched again last weekend, is a perfect example of a jealousy situation. So is the movie, Selena.
I imagine most people wouldn't care or would think it is great if people are jealous of them. But there can be some danger in life for having something that someone else wants - whether it is talent, money, looks, prestigious job, loving relationship, etc., etc. We all have gifts. In some situations in life it behooves us to not flaunt them. Would you agree or disagree with this?
I have been struggling with the idea that I am using this whole jealousy fear as an excuse to lose weight. As one commenter of my post said, I am rationalizing my inability to lose weight with this excuse. It might be. I have been doing some soul searching, trying to find out WHY I keep sabotaging my efforts. I am used to hard work and self sacrifice, and feel I am capable of putting in the time and effort to lose weight. But I prevent myself from doing so. I have continually tried to find the reason why, and this is all I can come up with. I know how utterly ridiculous it sounds that I fear people would be jealous of me. Especially since you reading this do not know my entire story. But I think it is a genuine concern of mine. I think now that I have voiced this fear, maybe it will help.

Thanks again.

orangesapphire

Yeah, I just reread the post I made. Many of you reading this (including myself) would think - - we would all be LUCKY if we were great enough to possibly have people who are jealous of us.

I guess there might be some situations in life where a person might want to downplay their abilities, or appear "lesser than" to fit in socially, get along with the boss, or acquire closeness with someone, such as a potential client or business associate.

But I guess one should not let other people's thoughts, emotions, or behaviors toward them dictate how they live.

People keep weight on for all sorts of reasons that they don't even realize. Sometimes when voiced, these reasons sound absurd. But the reasons are solidly in place, nonetheless. There's truth to them. It's funny how our brains are so like computers. Unless a person works out in their brain that it is more beneficial for them to be thin rather than fat, then it won't happen.

Yes - I believe that, like me, there might people out there, maybe many of them, that are programmed, through life experience, to think that it is beneficial to stay overweight. It is serving a purpose, and it is doing so effectively. But the side effects are a high pice to pay.

inside_lap

Good luck Sweety.

klw1963

i am new here so i hope this is ok for me to put my two cents in..I can say from experience i was the same way i was skinny when i got married, my husband was married before his wife lost weight and cheated on him basically, so when we got married i was pregnant gained alot of weight from 90pds toabout 150pds never did lose all of it then had another after him i got down to 150 then kept gaining weight thinking of stuff in my past plus had inlaw problems kept getting bigger and bigger everytime i tried to lose my husband would always always try to encourage me to eat oh this wont hurt u come on take a bite.....so i dont know what has happen but for 2 weeks now its like i had blinders on all that time,and God has taken them off helping me to do this.And my husband has joined the gym with me and its a blessing i love to workout i actually cant wait to go everyday..But said all that to say this,get yourself out of the rut forget the past if u have been abused in anyway mentally physically get some help from DR. or from church elders,if u have done stuff u arent proud of forgive yourself and know if you ask for forgiveness know you r forgiven if you truly have asked forgiveness.... start living for yourself right now dont worry about what people think and you still can be humble as I am, but you can be happy for yourself..sorry for rambling but i felt this so much i had to reply cause ive been there for 30 yrs.Praise Jesus he has touched me..so we can do this lady lets goo

orangesapphire

"Those of us who have been busting our butts our entire lives to overcome barriers and challenges only to be met with bullying, ridicule, and constant insult would give anything to be ever so brilliant, charming, powerful, and gorgeous that we would get an opportunity to even consider whether or not someone might be jealous of us. What’s that feel like?"

Geez, that is real compassionate. Missed the point of my post entirely.

MzTanya77

Losing weight ALWAYS incites jealousy in others. Even if its not family and friends, SOMEONE will hate on the fact that you lost weight. People who are jealous, are people who don't recognize their own blessings. Also, they are upset that you accomplished something that they more than likely failed at. Never let anyone dull your shine. Never neglect to allow your light to shine so you don't offend others. People CHOOSE to become offended or jealous. You are operating out of fear. Fear is a very controlling spirit. Do not allow fear to rule your life. Expect people to be jealous, expect people to say negative things. I have heard it ALL since losing 100lbs. Let it roll off your back. You can't control what they say, but you can control how it affects you.

CorvusCorax77

oof!

Ok. I didn't read all the responses, but I think I have had similar feelings... not about inciting jealousy as much as drawing bad things to me.

I agree with those who said to get therapy.

I also want to encourage you to surround yourself with people who will rejoice in your successes. People like that exist... women like that exist. My life is full of them. And I think you can find them too and then you won't have to be so afraid.

3foldchord

I agree, talking with someone might be useful. I tend to doubt than everyone is always thinking about me, I am not that important to the world that they all spend their days thinking about my clothing size. And if they do, that is there problem.