What would you say to my 18 year old ?

Options
13

Replies

  • hupsii
    hupsii Posts: 258 Member
    Options
    Thank you so much for all your posts. You gave me something to think about.
  • hupsii
    hupsii Posts: 258 Member
    Options
    snowflakesav wrote: »
    I think you should talk to someone like a counselor about your issues. There is nothing for you to handle. Your tone comes off as judge mental and could really cause a lot of damage to her self esteem. Keep your opinions to yourself.

    Well, it's just such a struggle to lose weight and she is now so beautiful and healthy and she is eating according to her hunger cues. To overeat on purpose seems wrong to me. I am perhaps a bit touchy on the subject knowing the problems I had all my life with overeating.
  • hupsii
    hupsii Posts: 258 Member
    Options
    WorkInProgress909 wrote: »
    snowflakesav wrote: »
    I think you should talk to someone like a counselor about your issues. There is nothing for you to handle. Your tone comes off as judge mental and could really cause a lot of damage to her self esteem. Keep your opinions to yourself.

    I think as her mother she wasn't trying to be 'judgmental' but instead trying to give her daughter advice about something, which she has the right to no matter what age she is. It sounds like the daughter is already having a self esteem issue.. So wouldn't leaving it alone have a chance of damaging it as well. I thought her tone sounded fine and like a concerned mother.

    Thank you ! Yes, I am concerned about her.
  • hupsii
    hupsii Posts: 258 Member
    Options
    tomatoey wrote: »
    What??? Jesus, teenagers... Massive GRRR at Kim K and other celebrities for lying about plastic surgery :( And GRRRRRR at the whole industry for doing this to women and putting these expectations into boys' and girls' heads :(

    Maybe try to poke some holes in her logic. Show her stuff about exactly how the celebrities she admires have achieved those bodies ($$$ and surgery and PhotoShop).

    Also, if she thinks overeating is going to give her boobs and a bum, and leave her waist and everything else unaffected, she is going to be in for a surprise. Are there woman in your family (e.g. aunt, grandmother) with her body type? What do they look like when they gain? Maybe show her some pics of them at higher BMIs.

    Oh right but KK says her waist is slim due to nonsurgical methods like that idiotic waist training. ffs. GRRR, KK, GRRR.

    great idea ! Thanks
  • hupsii
    hupsii Posts: 258 Member
    Options
    jgnatca wrote: »
    My granddaughter popped by yesterday to pick up some crafting supplies. She's fifteen and I swear close to six feet tall already. It just popped out of my mouth, "My, you are so beautiful!", and, "We are going to have to start taking interviews of the boys showing up at your door", and, "And those rosy cheeks, so natural." She beamed and chatted about her new hairstyle.

    And it came from grandma, not mom.

    The more validation and feedback your girl can get on body image, the better.

    I would say 9 out of 10 people compliment her on her looks but sadly she is not happy with her body.
  • hupsii
    hupsii Posts: 258 Member
    Options
    jemhh wrote: »
    There is a Strong Curves group on Facebook. It's listed as SC Ladies. It is a great group, with friendly women who are helpful. Many post their before and after pictures. She could sign up for it to see what the program could help her achieve.

    Great ! Thanks
  • hupsii
    hupsii Posts: 258 Member
    Options
    WorkInProgress909 wrote: »
    hupsii wrote: »
    Hi,
    Part of my family is overweight (me and my oldest daughter) and my hubby and younger daughter are "naturally" slim and eat all they like without putting on weight. Now my younger daughter who is slim and healthy (not underweight or anything like that) wants to put on weight as she believes that boys like the curvier types more... well, try to argue with an 18 year old :s so she now overeats on purpose. I really try to talk her out of this and I get a bit worried that she might end up like me and we all know the struggle it can be to lose the weight. How would you handle this situation ?

    This is my story. I am not sure if I was naturally skinny or it is because I spent my childhood and young adult life doing a little bit of dance and some other sport activities but I was sometimes teased for being too skinny and I wanted curves on top. So I assumed eating more would get me there, ugh I wish someone stopped me but I doubt I would've listened anyway.
    I think you should keep trying to explain it to her, have conversations with her that involve explaining that her body is perfect. It is so hard to understand at 18 how to love yourself and be happy with what you have, but she needs to know that not every girl has to be curvy, she might have something else that the curvy girl doesn't that a guy will find attractive (face features, personality, etc).
    It's genetics, if your body wasn't supposed to have curves there nothing will make it happen. The only thing eating more did for me is helped me acquire a taste for junk food.

    Yes, I think it's very difficult to love your body at that young age.
  • Lagopus
    Lagopus Posts: 1,016 Member
    Options
    Teens are all different but chances are she won't listen to anything you say, unless she wants to hear it. I suggest you lead by example instead. Start doing resistance exercises yourself, or if you're already doing them, try getting her on board as a training partner. That would be a win-win situation!

    And I agree whole-heartedly with @jgnatca about strengthening her body image "The more validation and feedback your girl can get on body image, the better." Though that may need to come from someone other than you.
  • LokiDokiArtichoki
    LokiDokiArtichoki Posts: 36 Member
    Options
    What? That seems incredibly weird. Are you sure she's not covering up stress/emotional-eating or something else (like bulimia)? There very well might be something else going on there. she may be struggling with body image if she's not curvy in the bust/bum like all the girls plastered over the media. Talk to her. Don't push/pressure her. Just be chill, take her out for a coffee, and lightly ask if something has been bothering her.
  • stevenvj
    stevenvj Posts: 17 Member
    Options
    There is a historical tendency for kids to disagree and also to see their parents as being unfair, judge mental - hell call it whatever you like. Looking back now at 41 years of age I can safely say that some of the things my parents told me (even though I didn't believe it at the time) were true.

    Hupsii, now this doesn't make our tasks as parents any easier and we share your concern for your daughter's well being. I agree with what a lot of people have said on here about the main issue and that is not necessary the fact that she wants to eat to get curves - it is the reason she is doing it - because 1) she is unhappy with her body and 2) "it's because boys like curves".

    A lot of people have mentioned on here as well the fact that she should start weight training and I agree. You mention that you and your older daughter are overweight so why not start a Family Fitness program together at your local gym and put some reward system in place. For example, when you and your eldest daughter lose 10 pounds, you both get a reward (not food based :smile: ) and when your youngest daughter gains 5 pounds of "muscle" due to nice body tone she gets a reward. You can even include your hubby. I am sure that would go a long way in helping her and when she sees the fit and curvy women in the gym I am sure she will adjust her attitude as to what, where and how curves look good.
  • Soopatt
    Soopatt Posts: 563 Member
    Options
    LokiDokiArtichoki wrote: »
    What? That seems incredibly weird. Are you sure she's not covering up stress/emotional-eating or something else (like bulimia)? There very well might be something else going on there. she may be struggling with body image if she's not curvy in the bust/bum like all the girls plastered over the media. Talk to her. Don't push/pressure her. Just be chill, take her out for a coffee, and lightly ask if something has been bothering her.

    Yeah, all my flags also went up, based on my own past. I was the "naturally skinny" one in the family growing up - a fantasy label that led to a lifetime of issues (if you are interested, read my blog).

    My mother would project her own issues on to me and would panic every time I ate a large portion or a bag of chips and say things like "don't gain any weight - you are good as you are now!" (just think about what that actually means. If you gain, you will not be acceptable). I would cope by eating loads in front of her to annoy her, while skipping meals and purging when she was not around. This idea that I was a special snowflake that could eat whatever I wanted was a myth that amused me to perpetuate, to my own destruction.
  • hupsii
    hupsii Posts: 258 Member
    Options
    Lagopus wrote: »
    Teens are all different but chances are she won't listen to anything you say, unless she wants to hear it. I suggest you lead by example instead. Start doing resistance exercises yourself, or if you're already doing them, try getting her on board as a training partner. That would be a win-win situation!

    And I agree whole-heartedly with @jgnatca about strengthening her body image "The more validation and feedback your girl can get on body image, the better." Though that may need to come from someone other than you.

    yes, definitely not from me or her father nor even from her sister
  • hupsii
    hupsii Posts: 258 Member
    Options
    LokiDokiArtichoki wrote: »
    What? That seems incredibly weird. Are you sure she's not covering up stress/emotional-eating or something else (like bulimia)? There very well might be something else going on there. she may be struggling with body image if she's not curvy in the bust/bum like all the girls plastered over the media. Talk to her. Don't push/pressure her. Just be chill, take her out for a coffee, and lightly ask if something has been bothering her.

    she is for sure struggling with her body image but I don't think that she has any other issues with bulimia or something else like that
  • sidricks
    sidricks Posts: 32 Member
    Options
    Perhaps it's just society. Young girls are inundated with images of girls like Kylie Jenner with their giant lips, small waists, big boobs and big round butts. It's so unrealistic for these young girls to aspire to be something that may be unattainable without lots of money or surgery. Your daughter is at a healthy weight therefore she has a lot of society beat already. Starting to lift would be a great idea. Squats of course ;) Us ladies have a lot of tricks to look better. Push up bras and make up. Sadly I would feel uncomfortable saying to an 18 year old to get a push up bra :neutral: I feel for young girls. I have been there. But the older I get the more confidence I have. I was very hard on myself in my 20s. Now in my forties and 10 lbs from goal i think I look great lol. Skin and stretch marks are not bothersome like they used to be. This young girl is going through what all us ladies have gone through. The pressure to be perfect. That's just my opinion of course. Sorry for rambling
  • hupsii
    hupsii Posts: 258 Member
    Options
    sidricks wrote: »
    Perhaps it's just society. Young girls are inundated with images of girls like Kylie Jenner with their giant lips, small waists, big boobs and big round butts. It's so unrealistic for these young girls to aspire to be something that may be unattainable without lots of money or surgery. Your daughter is at a healthy weight therefore she has a lot of society beat already. Starting to lift would be a great idea. Squats of course ;) Us ladies have a lot of tricks to look better. Push up bras and make up. Sadly I would feel uncomfortable saying to an 18 year old to get a push up bra :neutral: I feel for young girls. I have been there. But the older I get the more confidence I have. I was very hard on myself in my 20s. Now in my forties and 10 lbs from goal i think I look great lol. Skin and stretch marks are not bothersome like they used to be. This young girl is going through what all us ladies have gone through. The pressure to be perfect. That's just my opinion of course. Sorry for rambling

    Yes, that's exactly it - she misses a lot of self confidence... hopefully, this gets better as she ages
  • daynerz
    daynerz Posts: 227 Member
    Options
    Tell her not to be what the boys want her to be.
    Truth, you can be lean and curvy with weights or naturally. I am. Small waist, big boobs and a tight bum. She's 18 and in a few years she will put on that weight easily when her metabolism slows. Tell her to hold off and love the skin she's in.
    Men like curvier bodies, not fat
    More men in general would like a slim lady, then I'd say even an average looking one. I've worked in Chryslers for years and to be very honest with 90% of them men, they were all cheating on their wives with younger but slimmer woman then their wives. No lie. Every time a new girl starts, the guys make a measurement with their hands saying how wide her butt should be (not wide at all, but tight) their all very critical but it's the truth.
    Curvy yes, blobby and unproportioned doesn't mean curvy lol
  • AlisonH729
    AlisonH729 Posts: 558 Member
    Options
    I wish I knew at 18 what I know now. I was athletic & muscular from running & pole vaulting. I would have valued that more & worked harder to maintain it. Because now I am starting from scratch.

    She doesn't realize how much potential she has at that age, starting with the figure she has. Definitely suggest she look into weight training. She'll have more control over her shape than if she were to just eat to excess.

    Can you pursue your fitness goals together? Gyms like Planet Fitness and Snap Fitness usually have pretty reasonable family memberships. Plus, even though serious lifters may criticize these types of gyms, the environment there is beginner friendly.
  • stephchadz
    stephchadz Posts: 143 Member
    Options
    booksandchocolate12 wrote: »
    If SHE thinks she will look better with a few pounds on, that's fine. But discourage her from ever doing anything "for a boy".

    This^
  • tomatoey
    tomatoey Posts: 5,446 Member
    edited August 2015
    Options
    Some links I found

    http://www.beautyredefined.net/photoshopping-altering-images-and-our-minds/

    http://mediasmarts.ca/digital-media-literacy/media-issues/body-image

    Interesting observation from this article

    I gather together a group of under-20-year-olds at Livity, Brixton's "youth engagement agency", to talk about body image. It's not a concept that needs explaining to them. Apart from Stephen (who says: "The fact that I don't have an opinion on body image probably says something itself. Boys have it easier, definitely"), they have much to say.

    First, some fictions they are keen to shatter. The pressure, the girls agree, is not, in fact, to be skinny – instead it's to look sexy. "Hot." "Everyone wants to look like Kim Kardashian, even though we know she's a boring person – we don't want to have her personality, just her body," says Claudia. "Not Kate Moss's. Curves, not bones."

    This is the first time sex has been discussed – until now, everybody has talked about thinness and control, rather than changing your body to attract a boy. But as Bridget points out, you can starve yourself bony: "The sexy body is much more unattainable." "I think our generation is really savvy about the media," says Amber as they move quickly on to the subject of airbrushed ads. "So you know an image has been manipulated, but I suppose… you don't know what that's doing to you."

    I wonder about the fact that these young people are so literate in the issues of body image (as opposed to simply "bodies") that their thoughts on the subject are so close to the surface. "We're forced to think about it!" says Bridget. "It's on every channel, every night. Programmes like Supersize vs Superskinny, or How to Look Good Naked, or freaky ones like Half Ton Mum, or A Year to Save My Life." Everyone shouts out names – programmes about overhauling your body with diets, clothes or surgery. "They have mixed messages," says Amber. "On one hand they're saying 'love your body', then on the other 'fat's bad, the worst thing you could do is be obese'. The message 'be healthy and do exercise' is a bit different from 'be happy in your skin', isn't it?" The rhetoric of empowerment, here, actually disempowers.

    ***
    gah, we are really screwing kids up, between the obesity epidemic, and the media responses to it :/
  • Blueseraphchaos
    Blueseraphchaos Posts: 843 Member
    edited August 2015
    Options
    jgnatca wrote: »
    I suggest she go out on some dates with her father. They can dress it up if they like, a fancy dinner, the whole nine yards. I swear teen girls get their sense of worth from their fathers, and unfortunately, mothers get relegated to "rival". Dad can tell her that she's a princess and she doesn't need to change her body shape to be attractive or worthy of boy attention.

    My dad went through a beard phase in the seventies, go figure. All the female protests (three women in the household) failed to make him shave it off. Then one day I told him I was coming to like it. The grey streaks made him look "distinguished". The beard was gone the next day.

    what do i do with my pre-teen boys who never see their father? lol...i get the burden of teaching them all about how to respect women, and in reality everyone (since their father respected no one) and i swear, the 10-year-old is in love with me.....LOL

    ETA completely random thought i posted. sorry for not adding anything to the thread!

Categories