Trouble with Positivity and Self Love

KiwiKamikaze

Okay, please don't judge me too harshly for this post. I am not throwing myself a pity party or trying to garner sympathy. I would just like to see if anyone has advice for this that is more detailed than "just do it" or "tell yourself you love you and believe it!"

So, here are a few points I should mention before ranting:
1. I am lucky enough to have loving people in my life, but I have trouble accepting that affection.
2. I gained weight through a combination of emotional eating, illness, and being diagnosed with hypothyroidism.
3. I have been on again off again trying to lose any weight at all for 4 or 5 years now.
4. I don't really understand why I find it so difficult to change my negative mindset.
5. I know none of this is an excuse, and I don't mean it to be. Just trying to give some background.

So my problem is a lot of self loathing. I go through these cycles. I get pumped, plan my workouts, count calories, and do all of this for 1 or 2 weeks. Then I burn out. I get really exhausted and depressive, start eating poorly again and end up where I started. I feel like I know what I read: be determined and prepare for the long haul. Tell yourself it will be worth it. But when I get low I feel so much lower than I think I should. And I am so mean to myself all the time. Even when I don't say anything aloud, I can't seem to stop the thoughts. You're ugly. You're fat. You're lazy. You can't even get through a month? You can't be strong enough to put down the bad foods and drinks? Are you really so incapable and unreliable? It is a wonder that people can even stand you. You're disgusting.

Sorry, you get the point I'm sure. Basically I just want to know if there is a better answer to all this than just "well you have to want to change and then do it and don't give up." Even though I know that is a decent approach it just doesn't stick for me. Because I feel like I am so easily demotivated. I don't want to be this way. A self hating, unhealthy person. But what do you do when just wanting it isn't enough to push through the lows?

To anyone that found this annoying or too long, I do apologize. I certainly don't mean to cause anyone trouble. Ugh...I sound so broken...

curlybre_55

Hey! I am sorry to hear u go through this. I do the same thing. Instead of thinking no pain no gain, or its going to be ok. I cant help but cry when it gets hard and think "why is it everyone around me is like 'i eat whatever i want and gain no weight' or ' my metabalism is awesome' or 'i love working out!' And yet i try and its so hard" i find it unfair and i just give up. But im so tired of being un happy with myself. Im so tired of crying after spending a night out with the girls and never feeling pretty enough!! Like money isnt a issue either i also have to deal with what i see in the mirrior! But if i try i cant complain ik i just cant quit cold and drop 20 pounds like i would like! Plz message me and we can help each other!! (:

chey282

OP, I would suggest you consider some therapy to help change your thought patterns. One thing I've learned in this journey is that you've GOT to believe in yourself. It's wavered and there's days I don't think I can keep going and then someone says something about how good I look, and I realize I have to keep going! I've had a battle with food almost as long as I can remember. I have to fight to force myself to eat, and tell myself that food is good, that I NEED to eat. I have chronic pain issues and sometimes the workout is too much, but again, I have to get up and do it all over again. You CAN do it, but, you need to love yourself. You need to feel like you are worth it and you TRULY ARE!!! But, I can tell you that til I'm blue in the face, until you believe it, it's not going to matter! Hugs to each of you! You CAN do it, it's not easy, but start with learning to love you, what makes you who you are. Good luck!!!

scyian

Sometimes it's best to start small and work forward to bigger changes. Have a daily small step to accomplish and keep on going. It could be to go on a walk or drink lots of water or get lots of veggies in. It's the small changes you build on that creates habits and gives you a sense of accomplishment. You do have to walk before you can run. Good luck!

tomatoey

scyian wrote: »

Sometimes it's best to start small and work forward to bigger changes. Have a daily small step to accomplish and keep on going. It could be to go on a walk or drink lots of water or get lots of veggies in. It's the small changes you build on that creates habits and gives you a sense of accomplishment. You do have to walk before you can run. Good luck!

+1 - lower the bar a little. sounds like you're working yourself up into all or nothing thinking - you're either going to DO THIS or not at all. take it down a notch.

for me, what worked was aiming to do 30 mins of anything every day (knowing i wouldn't be perfect at it). that was it. if i missed a couple of days, it was still ok. as long as i got 4-5 days in, the numbers kept moving. (if i told myself "just do 4-5 days", i might do less, so pegging it at 7 kept me in line.

but that included walking, any kind of deliberate movement counted. i had some dvds as well (jillian michaels 30ds and a couple of others, but that 30ds was the right length for me at the time).

PinkPixiexox

This may not sound like the answer you expect but do you think it's possible that you are simply burning yourself out once you start a plan because you are going at it too hard? Don't get me wrong, it's brilliant to be enthusiastic and it's good to have a routine but it sounds like you put a million percent in to planning what you are going to do at the gym/with your food and when it comes down to it - it isn't as do-able as you once thought. It really is baby steps. Don't throw yourself in at the deep end.

Start by cutting general rubbish - opt for diet drinks instead of full fat for an example. If you snack, eat fruit. Very basic, simple stuff. Move more - go for walks etc etc. Build up your fitness. Build up your calorie deficit. Baby steps.

nicjbar73

can i suggest writing out 5 things on bathroom mirror that u love about urself? honest, hard worker, smart u will see these alot in a day wo realizing it. i started with only cutting out pop. after 2weeks of this then i added 15 mins of exercise. as u progress add more things to ur "list" & more time to ur exercise. i agree with everyone that ur all or nothing burning out. It didnt happen overnight! its about changes u can stick with for a lifetime;) keep ur head above it!!! u can do this! ur worth it;) u can add me

nicjbar73

same name same spelling;)

999tigger

I see it a lot on these forums people stressing and getting frustrated and generally making the whole process more complicated and harder than it need be.

Your post is pretty good op in that you have looked at your problem. We all have to form a weight loss plan that suits is, so you have to work with yourself. Two issues you seem to have identified:

1. Being unable to carry on longer than 2 weeks. Thast a consistency thing. Better planning and not going off too aggressively is the way to go. Your focus should be on knowing what to do when you are confronted from being on the plan to wanting to quit. You might want to ensure that your plan is less aggressive and more sustainable. You also need to build some resilience and pacing. The former will look at getting back on track and not giving up even if you have a few bad days, the latter could help by keeping it at a level you dont burn out.
2. The second aspect is how you relate to yourself. Your mindset and relationship with yourself is not helpful. You need to adopt one that is. Beating yourself up, guilt, frustration and self doubt are unhelpful. Adop more positive ways of thinking that will help you, recognise and encourage your effort, be confident you cna make change and appreciate/support any effort, whislt forgiving any lapses.

One way you cna do all this is to plan to make it simple, but then take it one day at a time and focus just on that day. Try to do things like log and weigh your food, some exercise and then add to it the following day. that stops your mind wandering and thinking yourself into trouble.

Once you make progress that will start to get you to realise you can do it. be patient and consistent. Good luck.

One other approach you cna have is to remove all emotion from it and just treat it as a factual exercise. Log at deficit and do a 15 min walk etc. Focus on the doing rather than the result.

SongDragon

At first I did really well by myself, a few years ago. It was really easy to just focus on whatever I needed (or wanted) to do. Then I enjoyed a vacation away with the boyfriend and just sort of... tuned out. Then my sister moved home and I loved having her home and we would go out to eat together, etc. Now, a couple years later, I'm back where I started. Only this time my sister is on the same journey as I am (we're twins, so we really get to point it out to each other what we need to do). Now that I'm used to that, it seems even more sustainable.

Having a plan ourselves is one thing, but motivation isn't constant. What seems to help me is having someone who might have motivation when I'm drained say, "C'mon, we need to take this thing for a walk." The dog always has motivation and it's true, if we don't want to go for a hike for our own sake, we really need to go out for her sake. It also helps if I see her start a routine, especially one that I notice I struggle with (I can't do push ups darnit, but I'm getting there).

A new attitude towards yourself... Hopefully being around people who behave in a positive way (not just saying it, but doing it and having a good time) might help. Also, just reminding yourself, "I'm working on myself." Having people to tell also helps me, though I do try not to sound like I'm bragging, but I like when I tell my friends/coworkers and they say, "Good for you," or, "You go girl."

jgnatca

There might be an underlying depression sabotaging your efforts. Take care of the depression and it might be easier to take on this weight loss enterprise as a good thing.

lemurcat12

NickieLR wrote: »

So my problem is a lot of self loathing. I go through these cycles. I get pumped, plan my workouts, count calories, and do all of this for 1 or 2 weeks. Then I burn out. I get really exhausted and depressive, start eating poorly again and end up where I started. I feel like I know what I read: be determined and prepare for the long haul. Tell yourself it will be worth it. But when I get low I feel so much lower than I think I should. And I am so mean to myself all the time. Even when I don't say anything aloud, I can't seem to stop the thoughts. You're ugly. You're fat. You're lazy. You can't even get through a month? You can't be strong enough to put down the bad foods and drinks? Are you really so incapable and unreliable? It is a wonder that people can even stand you. You're disgusting.

I think a lot of us can relate.

First, I'd join those who recommended that you think about therapy. It really can help.

Second, it would likely help to move away from the all or nothing thinking and give yourself a break (I know, that's the problem, right?) for being imperfect. Losing weight is a process, it's not something you are either doing perfectly or not at all, and some parts go better at some times.

What really helped me was trying to think about it super logically -- my weight was a problem I needed to solve. It wasn't who I was or something that made me icky or unloveable, and while I should eat less (and a better diet) and be more active, I am not a pig or disgusting if I eat more than I should or a less nutritious item, and I'm not a huge loser if I blow off a workout. But there are habits that will be helpful for me in achieving my goals, and so I will work on doing so. Stuff like that.

I tried to put together a plan that had some exciting long term goals to look forward to (this doesn't work for everyone, but for me thinking "in a year I could be this weight" helped). Besides weight goals these were achievement goals (wanting to run a half marathon or ride a century). Then I did short term goals that were more process goals and these I made really realistic at first with the idea that things would get easier as I established habits.

So at first I had a plan of how to eat (how to cut the excess calories and fix some of the easier to fix problems that had crept into my diet), but I wasn't too strict with myself -- I made sure I'd have a day out a week, since for me I knew that would be psychologically beneficial -- and if I made a poor choice I noted it and perhaps the reasons why, but didn't beat myself up. I tried to treat it as a learning experience. (I'd really, really stress this -- wanting to eat tasty food is a normal human thing and while a choice may not be the best one in order to reach your goals, it doesn't make you bad as a person, and getting away from those kinds of thoughts and thoughts about "bad food" in general really helped me. Stupid negative self talk.)

For me the food stuff was easy at first and the workouts were harder (funny as this is the opposite now), so I started slow -- I increased my walking in connection with my commute and decided I'd ride a stationary bike 30 minutes 3 days/week and do a longer walk on the weekend. The idea was to make it fun/pleasant so I wouldn't get discouraged or dread it or burn out. When I struggled or skipped a planned workout I tried to analyze what was going on to learn from it.

Once I started losing that was really motivational, but I also think joining a challenge at MFP and meeting some people and having people to report that I'd worked out and the like to helped keep me motivated. It's funny how a group can help.

Focusing on stats and numbers for me also both helped make it fun (as did focusing on cooking and nutrition) and helped it seem more like a work project and not -- again -- something that went to my worth as a person. Yet having success did help me feel better about myself, too.

I hope some of this helps.

christinem10101

I know how frustrating it can be. But I agree with the posts that suggest that maybe you're jumping in at the deep end.
What about planning two weeks at whatever level your enthusiasm suggests, then planning the third week to be significantly less. Think of it as a mental break. Instead of 30 minutes per day, cut it to 20, etc. If you can just keep moving forward, you'll eventually start spiraling upwards!

Motivation is for sprints, not marathons.

dubird

One main thing I've learned is that motivation has to come from taking a good, honest look at WHY you want to lose weight. I knew I needed to lose weight, my doctor told me that, and I did try several times but always gave up. I now know part of that issues with depression, but a lot of it was that I was severely limiting myself in what I ate and did. So, I would burn out after a month or so, fall of the wagon, and feel even worse. It wasn't until I got our wedding pictures back that I realized how much I had gained. I look fat in them. I didn't want that anymore. About that time I found MFP and reading about how people lost weight with just watching their calories gave me a path to try, and not wanting to look like I did in those pictures is what provided the motivation. It wasn't until I developed my OWN reason for losing weight did I get the motivation to stay on track.

Here's the thing: You're not perfect. You will make mistakes. There will be days where you find out what you ate is more than what it should have been, unexpected dinners out, that kind of thing. Just because you go over one day is not going to sabotage you or make you a failure. It makes you human. Just log it and start fresh next day. Hell, I still have *kitten* it days where I eat what I want because I'm feeling bad or I'm sick. I log it and start over the next day. Once I learned that, it became a LOT easier!

You also don't have to jump in with starting EVERYTHING at once! I had to start slow. I logged for a couple of weeks to get my baseline and find the patterns I needed to change, and then started with changing one thing: swapping out soda for unsweet tea with Equal. Once I got used to that, I changed something else. Start by changing one or two things at a time and giving yourself time to get used to them. It's much slower, but by building on that, it's much easier to maintain. Something else you can try is to make smaller goals. You'll have your big goal of X number of pounds to get to, but if it's a lot, it's hard to keep going sometimes. So make milestone goals within that. Say, aim for 10 pounds. Making those small goals happen will give you a sense of accomplishment and that helps keep you going.

Exercise is another thing you can start slow. It's not NEEDED for weight loss, though it can help. Most of my weight was done without exercise! So if that's hard for you to get started into, don't worry about it right now. Focus on adjusting your calories in, and when you get to a more comfortable place, start adding something. Walking is easy to add. Go outside, walk in a random direction for 10 minutes, turn and walk back. Congrats, you just took a 20 minute walk! Doesn't have to be fast, doesn't have to be far. Just focus actually DOING it, and after a few walks, try increasing your pace or add a couple minutes each way. Eventually, you'll be in better shape to add more if you want to. I don't, I've finally gotten to a point where I can take a walk with my husband, so I do to try and get my asthma under control. I don't plan on adding any other exercise or weights or anything like that, so don't feel obligated to do so if you don't want to.

KiwiKamikaze

I'm sorry for not responding sooner, but I did want to thank everyone for their support and suggestions. It means a lot to hear the perspective of others who are succeeding in the struggle. I agree with everythig you all have suggested. And I intend to try again now that I am a bit more calm and have had some time to sort out my feelings.

As an aside, I had thought many times in the past several years about therapy. But unfortunately it is just too expensive. There is no way for me to afford it without going into debt. My assumption is that my undiagnosed depressive states come from both my hypothyroidism (I've read it's a common side effect) and probably just from my past. I've always been a bit negative about myself: the age old story of being bullied most of your life and having baggage like the rest of the world. I like to think for the most part I've faced some of that baggage pretty well in comparison to how I used to be. But Rome wasn't built in a day I suppose. I guess my best solution will be to try and find some inner strength and give myself a break. I will take your advice and start very small. Hopefully it will be a fresh start for me.

Thanks again everyone. You are all so kind.

sheldonklein

OP: i hope this doesn't sound harsh, but if you think that you need to solve your depression and other problems to lose weight, it's not going to happen. Those problems are really hard and not entirely in your control. Weight loss is entirely in your control and comparatively easy. And once you succeed, you have done something important to feel good about. That's a particularly sweet victory for us depressives.

KiwiKamikaze

It's not really harsh of you to say, and I don't entirely disagree. But I also don't believe that ignoring or putting aside depressive feelings is conducive to weight loss either. Not having a super successful relationship with emotions of weight loss, I am not the most credible opinion. But I know for me personally, I am a highly emotional person all around (not meaning moody, but when I have a feeling I feel it deeply). I don't believe I will ever detach my emotions from something so close to home as health and weight loss. Even if that would be better. I certainly don't expect to solve all my emotional issues before losing weight. But as someone who has close to conquered many other emotional barriers in myself in my life so far...I know that they will keep me from my goals if I don't at least try to heal them along the way.

lorrpb

You don't lose weight because you have a pidiyive attitude and believe I can. You lost wright because you log your food, establish a calorie plan, and follow it each and every day.

SW 301
CW 196
GW 150

robertw486

NickieLR wrote: »

As an aside, I had thought many times in the past several years about therapy. But unfortunately it is just too expensive. There is no way for me to afford it without going into debt. My assumption is that my undiagnosed depressive states come from both my hypothyroidism (I've read it's a common side effect) and probably just from my past. I've always been a bit negative about myself: the age old story of being bullied most of your life and having baggage like the rest of the world. I like to think for the most part I've faced some of that baggage pretty well in comparison to how I used to be. But Rome wasn't built in a day I suppose. I guess my best solution will be to try and find some inner strength and give myself a break. I will take your advice and start very small. Hopefully it will be a fresh start for me.

There are often free or reduced price resources for counseling on the local level, usually though the Community Services Boards. Between your first post and the above one, you've identified things you want to change, so that puts you several steps ahead of those that still haven't identified such things. The positive attitude shown above gives insight that you DO have some motivation that you may struggle to see, but it's there.

Give yourself some credit for seeing your strengths and weaknesses as a human being and figure out your plan from there. You're a beautiful young woman with most of your life still ahead of you, and you have all the time you choose to take to get to that place you want to be.

As for being emotional, that's not a bad thing. Be mindful of the positives it might bring to you. I learned at a seminar for gifted children (our daughter is very bright) that it is a common trend both among gifted children and children often diagnosed as ADHD. The major difference is in how they harness those emotions. There are a number of character traits with similar trends that apply to adults as well.


I went though a period with a toxic mix of very high stress levels, anxiety, and some PTSD issues. For me, going out for some exercise was one of the few things I had complete control over at the time and helped me clear my head and put other things in perspective as I worked them out. That might or might not work for you, but you have identified the path you want or need to take. You just have to start walking on that path, and figure out if it's leading you where you want to go.

KiwiKamikaze

lorrpb wrote: »

You don't lose weight because you have a pidiyive attitude and believe I can. You lost wright because you log your food, establish a calorie plan, and follow it each and every day.

SW 301
CW 196
GW 150

Not to argue, since I haven't succeeded in losing weight. But from the experiences I have had in trying to lose weight, not having a positive attitude affects my ability to stick to my plan. It should be more simple than this. But when I don't feel positive, I have always had a tendency to overeat. I have and am trying to change that, but it isn't always as simple as mind over matter. Changing anything about yourself, physical or otherwise, can easily be tied to one's emotions. Of course just believing you will lose weight won't make it happen. But finding the strength the make it happen comes from your attitude I think...