moving on after a friendship ends

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  • GirlWithCookies
    GirlWithCookies Posts: 138 Member
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    Okay. Thanks, everyone.
  • shrinkingletters
    shrinkingletters Posts: 1,008 Member
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    To address one of your concerns:

    Don't use this experience as a reason to overeat. Growing up with emotionally dependent or emotionally manipulative (usually one and the same, though not alway entirely conscious of the fact) people has taught me that they'll often resort to outwardly presenting self-harm, self-deprecation, self-pity in order to emotionally blackmail those around them. Example: "look what you made me do"/"I'm stupid and useless and your behavior just proves it", in order to force sympathy or guilt out of someone, and back into your life.

    Make sure you're not doing this, please. Acknowledge that emotionally blackmailing a person back into your arms will build resentment. Own up to your actions and how you care for yourself. Lose the weight-if the weight gain is bothering you-and make new friends with a conscious effort to bring something positive to the table. This might mean taking some time alone to work on yourself.
  • 999tigger
    999tigger Posts: 5,235 Member
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    Just to add again, dont take it to heart, give it time, put it to one side and get on with other positive things in your life.
  • aledba
    aledba Posts: 564 Member
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    Machka9 wrote: »
    GirlWithCookies wrote: »
    We live about an hour away from each other now ...

    One day, I noticed that she hadn't been responding to any of my FB messages or texts for a couple of weeks. Over the next several weeks (it has now been about 5 1/2 months since I've heard from her) I tried contacting her with no response. She didn't acknowledge my birthday, nor did she respond to the "happy birthday" voicemail/FB message I left her. I assume that I did something to deeply offend her, because she is not the kind of person to just drop someone out of the blue. I have tried to apologize (via phone, Facebook, text, and even sent her a card in the mail) and have asked that she tell me what I did. She doesn't pick up her phone or respond at all.

    Have you actually gone to her place? You only live an hour away from each other. Turn up at a time you figure she'll be there and see her in person.

    If someone doesn't want to see your face and you go to their house, that doesn't usually go well.
  • yesimpson
    yesimpson Posts: 1,372 Member
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    It sucks to lose a friend, no matter what the circumstances. I'm sure she doesn't hate you. Try not to internalise this as being proof of something being a bad person or inferior. It sounds like you both just had different ideas about what a friendship should involve. I think you have been offered some valuable insights here, and you can apply them to future friendships. Don't punish yourself by overeating.
  • cwolfman13
    cwolfman13 Posts: 41,867 Member
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    in my experience, people just grow apart, especially when we're talking high school friendships. there is a lot of changing that goes on between being a 15 year old freshman and a 25 year old. I don't spend any meaningful time with my best bros from high school...we may see each other here and there in passing, but that's about it...and yeah, we were all tight back in the day.
  • racheljonel
    racheljonel Posts: 400 Member
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    momoharuno wrote: »
    I've been on the other end though, you said you were "emotionally high maintenance" and you've probably been that way for years. I'm not saying you don't deserve to have a shoulder to lean on or that she shouldn't have given you closure, but from experience, it is a big drain on your life to have a source of constant negativity or drama hanging over you. It can literally make you feel sick and it starts to drag you down too. The desire to escape that is very powerful, especially after so many years of it, and the level of relief you feel after getting the person causing the problem out of your life is amazing. Which just really reinforces not wanting to associate with them again. I'm sorry you are in pain, I truly am, I just wanted to shed some insight on this. Maybe you'll take something away and if so, hopefully keep it from happening in your future friendships :)

    This for sure. I've been in this situation recently as well. And honestly, sometimes after dealing with all of their emotional drama for years, the last thing you want to do is have a big pow-wow about why you want distance from them. It's easier just to cut ties.
  • JustMissTracy
    JustMissTracy Posts: 6,338 Member
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    momoharuno wrote: »
    GirlWithCookies wrote: »
    momoharuno wrote: »
    I've been on the other end though, you said you were "emotionally high maintenance" and you've probably been that way for years. I'm not saying you don't deserve to have a shoulder to lean on or that she shouldn't have given you closure, but from experience, it is a big drain on your life to have a source of constant negativity or drama hanging over you. It can literally make you feel sick and it starts to drag you down too. The desire to escape that is very powerful, especially after so many years of it, and the level of relief you feel after getting the person causing the problem out of your life is amazing. Which just really reinforces not wanting to associate with them again. I'm sorry you are in pain, I truly am, I just wanted to shed some insight on this. Maybe you'll take something away and if so, hopefully keep it from happening in your future friendships :)

    You articulated what I thought might be going on. I just wish she would tell me so I can have closure and try to work on it so I don't lose anyone else. But I know I can't make her or expect her to explain it to me.

    Machka9, I haven't gone to her place because I feel like that crosses over into stalker territory, you know? I want to respect her choice to not associate with me.

    A good way to keep a healthy friendship, if you are someone who tends to be a little negative naturally, is to keep track of your conversations. I.e. "was I negative last time I talked to them? Then I should probably just ask them about themselves and be optimistic" if every third conversation you have you share some of your problems and make the other two happy conversations then no one will mind when you are a little negative :) a problem shared is a problem halved, but those halves add up on the other person over time, I know you don't want to trouble anyone and I'm sure you we're just looking for a shoulder and comfort :) I believe you are right and that showing up at her house might be crossing the stalker line, I would use this as a learning experience and try something different with your future friends, I know you can do it! :)

    You are very wise...good advice xo
  • momoharuno
    momoharuno Posts: 141 Member
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    JustMissTracy wrote: »
    momoharuno wrote: »
    GirlWithCookies wrote: »
    momoharuno wrote: »
    I've been on the other end though, you said you were "emotionally high maintenance" and you've probably been that way for years. I'm not saying you don't deserve to have a shoulder to lean on or that she shouldn't have given you closure, but from experience, it is a big drain on your life to have a source of constant negativity or drama hanging over you. It can literally make you feel sick and it starts to drag you down too. The desire to escape that is very powerful, especially after so many years of it, and the level of relief you feel after getting the person causing the problem out of your life is amazing. Which just really reinforces not wanting to associate with them again. I'm sorry you are in pain, I truly am, I just wanted to shed some insight on this. Maybe you'll take something away and if so, hopefully keep it from happening in your future friendships :)

    You articulated what I thought might be going on. I just wish she would tell me so I can have closure and try to work on it so I don't lose anyone else. But I know I can't make her or expect her to explain it to me.

    Machka9, I haven't gone to her place because I feel like that crosses over into stalker territory, you know? I want to respect her choice to not associate with me.

    A good way to keep a healthy friendship, if you are someone who tends to be a little negative naturally, is to keep track of your conversations. I.e. "was I negative last time I talked to them? Then I should probably just ask them about themselves and be optimistic" if every third conversation you have you share some of your problems and make the other two happy conversations then no one will mind when you are a little negative :) a problem shared is a problem halved, but those halves add up on the other person over time, I know you don't want to trouble anyone and I'm sure you we're just looking for a shoulder and comfort :) I believe you are right and that showing up at her house might be crossing the stalker line, I would use this as a learning experience and try something different with your future friends, I know you can do it! :)

    You are very wise...good advice xo

    Thank you, I'm flattered :)
  • MSMomNurse
    MSMomNurse Posts: 12 Member
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    As the person who has just purposely drifted away -

    Friendships change over the years. A woman I just recently ended contact with had been my best friend since 8th grade - and I'm in my thirties if that tells you anything. We were inseparable, people often mistook us for sisters, and even her mom had made comments about us having been sisters in a past life. Even after I moved two states away in high school, we still visited each other, called each other, wrote each other, even met up on AOL sites to chat. During college we talked all the times. As we got jobs, we tried to visit as much as we could afford. We'd been through family deaths, getting married, having kids, endings of relationships, basically just life.

    But there was this growing chasm between us - she kept going back to college and getting involved in all sorts of social justice campaigns. She attended protests and riots, moved to a huge, violent city, took up recreational weed smoking, worked graphics jobs.

    I was busy raising my kids, being a school sports mom, working a highly-educated licensed professional position, living in the country, helping the hubs run a farm.

    She kept talking/posting/advertising all these social justice issues, ranting about white privilege, cis-privilege, white-collar privilege. She lectured me on how I was utilizing my privilege and oppressing others. She lectured EVERYONE. She became a walking tumblr account.

    And she made my trials and tribulations sound petty and ridiculous. I was struggling with the heavy responsibilities of my new job? Well at least I had one, lots of poor inner city folk can't get one. Struggling with my son's ADHD diagnosis? At least I can send him to a doctor and pay for his medications, lots of poor inner city people can't afford doctors or medicine. Struggling with the demands of my continued education required by my job? At least I could go to school, yadayadayada. She lectured me on the death rates and suicide rates and abuse rates of GLBTQIA individuals, full well knowing that everyday is a struggle for my eldest son, who loves the color pink, watches My Little Pony faithfully and enjoys playing football when not making loom bracelets for friends. She soon indirectly mocked and ridiculed what was essentially my life - rural, blue-collar, middle-class. I had become the enemy, and this colored all of our interactions.

    Through it all, she was oblivious.

    So I just slowed down the conversations, called less frequently, wrote fewer emails. I stopped tagging her in facebook. Soon, we weren't talking at all. And it hurt me, really bad. I gained weight at the time as well, because I had just lost my longest, deepest best friend, and I didn't have anyone else to talk to about it.

    But I realized just how much she had hurt me as well. She had made me constantly feel little and petty. I shouldn't have had to feel that way when talking to my best friend. She wasn't really my friend. Not anymore.

    So, you need to take a real good look at yourself. Did you dominate the conversations? Did you minimize her struggles when talking about yours? Did you only call/write/see her when you were falling apart?

    For every end, there is a new beginning, and you can learn a lot from this end. Use this time to work on your "neediness" and get used to being okay with yourself. Learn to reduce your drama on your own. Become more self-reliant and calm. These are all qualities that attract new friends. After ending my friendship with the first BFF, I've been able to identify people similar to her, and I don't attempt to friend them. I seek out others who are more balanced and calm. Do the same, become who you want to be friends with.

    TL;DR - it hurts the person moving on too. Learn from it, change the things you don't like (neediness, being flaky, drama), and seek out others who are like what you want to be. Grow.

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