Culture Shock and My Crazy Boss

yummypotroast

Hi all,

I just want to share an experience I've had while working at an elementary school in South Korea for the past ten months. Some of you might find this an interesting read, as it is what had triggered my weight gain and also my primary motivation for losing weight now. I hope you guys can relate somehow.

I was sent here to teach English for a year under a work program. I had never been to Korea before and didn't know anyone here, so when I first arrived I went hungry because I didn't know how to buy food and couldn't eat much anyway because of anxieties with my new living arrangements. When I met the staff at the elementary school, my new workplace, they were all fascinated with how slim I was, and wanted to know my "secret".

It wasn't until about two months in that I began making friends and finding more accessible ways to feed myself, and soon enough I was going out to eat every few days and stocking my little closet full of yummy snacks. By the time winter vacation rolled around, I was stuffing myself with Chocopies, oily pancakes, and fried chicken every day and night. I was having a great time. Korean food is cheap and delicious. Why would I stop?

The day we went back to work after winter vacation, there was a staff dinner. The vice principal of the school was in the middle of making a speech when she turned to me and announced in Korean that she noticed I had gained lots of weight, and then laughed and said my face looked so fat now. My Korean isn't very good but I understood what she said. She then cocked her head at me and asked me (in Korean), "Did you eat a lot?" I didn't know what to say. The rest of the staff looked smiled uncomfortably and gazed away.

Because of my lack of Korean skills, I don't really talk to the other staff much, so I didn't have anyone to stand up for me in the workplace. But when I asked my friends about the situation, they replied that it was just common Korean workplace culture for superiors to comment on physical appearance. In fact, she might have been trying to come off as caring... WTF? I've had other interactions with her and I can assure that precisely none of them had been positive. She's usually extremely demanding and does not even speak to me or respond to polite greetings unless she needs me to do extra work. Why would she be "caring" now that she's laughing at my newfound "fatness"? (FYI, I gained 5kg, or 10 pounds.)

I didn't want to stir trouble and figured it was just a one-time occurrence, so I shrugged it off. But I was wrong. From that moment on, every single time she saw me, whether it was in the staff room or at a staff dinner or even in my freaking classroom, she would turn to the person closest to her and speak in a low voice about how "The foreign teacher gained weight, don't you think so? Look at her face. Her face is so fat now, right? It's pretty, don't you think?" and whatnot. Fortunately, the person she's speaking to would usually reply with something like, "No, I don't notice anything. I don't think she's fat." This is always done within my earshot, though I wouldn't be surprised if she said other things when I'm not around. I stopped going to the staff room altogether, and avoided speaking to her whenever I could.

She's currently on sick leave and hasn't seen me for the past month, when I've been actively trying to lose weight. Many people noticed that I look slimmer, but I really don't know what she would say. To be honest, I don't care if she says I look slim or that she sees I lost weight. I just want her to stop telling our coworkers I got fat. I have two months left on my work contract and I cannot wait to get out of here.

I'm not bashing Korean culture as I love this country and am so grateful for most of the people I've met. I just got dealt a very crappy hand with my job placement and work environment. There's really not much I can do except wait it out and maybe fart in her office before I leave for good.

How do you guys deal with unwanted comments towards your weight, or physical appearance in general?

Thanks for reading!

penny0919

I've heard this about Asian culture (that it is acceptable to openly comment on someone's weight gain/loss).

I would ask her to stop "hey can you please refrain from discussing my weight? It is making me uncomfortable" and see if that helps. If it doesn't I would just tough it out until it was over.

It's really not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things. Try to look at the positives of this experience and ignore her weight comments.

kittykarin

Ha! Eat very spicy kimchi before you fart in her office! Lol I would be pissed to. I don't know a lot about the Korean culture either but my sister's mother in law is from Korea and she is very blunt. Not usually rude like ur boss but just says whatever she thinks. Thankfully she likes me so she's never said anything about my weight.

I've been lucky in that most people dont comment on my weight. I think they r scared I will eat them if they did. Since u only have 2 months left, wait it out and then plan a nice little retort back to her on ur last day!

finallyfitcanuck

That's a lack of social skills (i.e in the middle of a speech) vs cultural difference (in casual conversation). However, it is true that in various Asian cultures, it is off-limits to bring up, point out, etc, one's weight.

Go with the flow, and expect a few dumbasses along the way. Do the Western thing by ignoring what the person said (context: I'm not North American by birth), and treating this rudeness by treating it as though it doesn't exist.

If you don't bring attention to it, and don't pay attention when people bring it up, it will not become a weapon to be used by the cattier people in the workplace.

At least, I've had to learn to do this within my extended Indian family, so that's the tactic I would use here too.

pstegman888

I would just smile and say, "Yes, your Korean food is so delicious! I will have to be careful not to enjoy it too much!"

123user456

yummypotroast wrote: »

Hi all,

I just want to share an experience I've had while working at an elementary school in South Korea for the past ten months. Some of you might find this an interesting read, as it is what had triggered my weight gain and also my primary motivation for losing weight now. I hope you guys can relate somehow.

I was sent here to teach English for a year under a work program. I had never been to Korea before and didn't know anyone here, so when I first arrived I went hungry because I didn't know how to buy food and couldn't eat much anyway because of anxieties with my new living arrangements. When I met the staff at the elementary school, my new workplace, they were all fascinated with how slim I was, and wanted to know my "secret".

It wasn't until about two months in that I began making friends and finding more accessible ways to feed myself, and soon enough I was going out to eat every few days and stocking my little closet full of yummy snacks. By the time winter vacation rolled around, I was stuffing myself with Chocopies, oily pancakes, and fried chicken every day and night. I was having a great time. Korean food is cheap and delicious. Why would I stop?

The day we went back to work after winter vacation, there was a staff dinner. The vice principal of the school was in the middle of making a speech when she turned to me and announced in Korean that she noticed I had gained lots of weight, and then laughed and said my face looked so fat now. My Korean isn't very good but I understood what she said. She then cocked her head at me and asked me (in Korean), "Did you eat a lot?" I didn't know what to say. The rest of the staff looked smiled uncomfortably and gazed away.

Because of my lack of Korean skills, I don't really talk to the other staff much, so I didn't have anyone to stand up for me in the workplace. But when I asked my friends about the situation, they replied that it was just common Korean workplace culture for superiors to comment on physical appearance. In fact, she might have been trying to come off as caring... WTF? I've had other interactions with her and I can assure that precisely none of them had been positive. She's usually extremely demanding and does not even speak to me or respond to polite greetings unless she needs me to do extra work. Why would she be "caring" now that she's laughing at my newfound "fatness"? (FYI, I gained 5kg, or 10 pounds.)

I didn't want to stir trouble and figured it was just a one-time occurrence, so I shrugged it off. But I was wrong. From that moment on, every single time she saw me, whether it was in the staff room or at a staff dinner or even in my freaking classroom, she would turn to the person closest to her and speak in a low voice about how "The foreign teacher gained weight, don't you think so? Look at her face. Her face is so fat now, right? It's pretty, don't you think?" and whatnot. Fortunately, the person she's speaking to would usually reply with something like, "No, I don't notice anything. I don't think she's fat." This is always done within my earshot, though I wouldn't be surprised if she said other things when I'm not around. I stopped going to the staff room altogether, and avoided speaking to her whenever I could.

She's currently on sick leave and hasn't seen me for the past month, when I've been actively trying to lose weight. Many people noticed that I look slimmer, but I really don't know what she would say. To be honest, I don't care if she says I look slim or that she sees I lost weight. I just want her to stop telling our coworkers I got fat. I have two months left on my work contract and I cannot wait to get out of here.

I'm not bashing Korean culture as I love this country and am so grateful for most of the people I've met. I just got dealt a very crappy hand with my job placement and work environment. There's really not much I can do except wait it out and maybe fart in her office before I leave for good.

How do you guys deal with unwanted comments towards your weight, or physical appearance in general?

Thanks for reading!

Definitely fart in her office!

Chabela53

I say fart!

123user456

faramelee

Can I just play devils advocate here a moment? How many times have you commented to people about their weight LOSS? It's the same surely? Just a thought....

I am with you though, it seems from your explanation that this was done in a hurtful, spiteful way not from a cultural abruptness which is just plain mean and this I do not condone. I agree with the others, ignore it let it go and when your 2 months is up why stop at farting in her office......;-)

I wish you lots of luck in your journey!

cmtigger

It sounds like a bit of xenophobia is going on too.

spzjlb

finallyfitcanuck wrote: »

That's a lack of social skills (i.e in the middle of a speech) vs cultural difference (in casual conversation). However, it is true that in various Asian cultures, it is off-limits to bring up, point out, etc, one's weight.

Go with the flow, and expect a few dumbasses along the way. Do the Western thing by ignoring what the person said (context: I'm not North American by birth), and treating this rudeness by treating it as though it doesn't exist.

If you don't bring attention to it, and don't pay attention when people bring it up, it will not become a weapon to be used by the cattier people in the workplace.

At least, I've had to learn to do this within my extended Indian family, so that's the tactic I would use here too.

This would be my approach. Good luck and be strong.

Sabine_Stroehm

Glad you're tackling your weight issues.

SLLRunner

@yummypotroast, it sounds like you are facing your ten pound gain head on. As for that person saying offensive things, let it roll of your back. Here's a universal truth for you that knows no culture:

What she says has nothing to do with you, she is making herself feel better by putting you down.

Keep moving forward and.....

I like the part about farting in her office.

callsitlikeiseeit

Its Asian culture. its not a taboo topic like it is here. they dont think its rude, its normal to most of them (hubby is japanese and we lived in japan several years)

you can thicken your skin and roll with it or lose weight. and im not saying that to be rude or mean, it is just how their culture IS.

jennifer_417

Definitely crop dust her.

NoIdea101NoIdea

pstegman888 wrote: »

I would just smile and say, "Yes, your Korean food is so delicious! I will have to be careful not to enjoy it too much!"

This is the best responses I have read so far

callsitlikeiseeit

NoIdea101NoIdea wrote: »

pstegman888 wrote: »

I would just smile and say, "Yes, your Korean food is so delicious! I will have to be careful not to enjoy it too much!"

This is the best responses I have read so far

pretty much, yup lol

yummypotroast

Thanks for the responses, guys!

I don't really talk to the other staff at school because my Korean is not fluent, and as such, I've never mentioned my weight or brought it to attention. I'm always kind and polite so it is quite frustrating that my boss continually mentions my weight as my main qualifier.

The worst of it was when the new school year started and we had several new teachers come to our school. At the first staff dinner of the school year she literally introduced me to the teachers as "the foreign teacher who used to be skinny and gained lots of weight". I mean, even if she only mentioned it occasionally, it wouldn't be so bad as the fact that she mentions it every. single. time. She doesn't even say that I'm from Canada or that all the kids love me or anything (maybe she forgot, idk). Just my weight gain.

I'm motivated more than ever now to attain the figure I had when I first arrived. I've got two months to make it happen!

minties82

I wouldn't even be able to tell if someone gained (or lost) 5kg. She must spend a lot of time eyeing you up and down.

azulvioleta6

It sounds like she is jealous of you for whatever reason.

I've taught overseas and the office politics can be tricky, even when you are already familiar with the language and culture.

middlehaitch

Out in left field, as I have no idea of the tone used, but it could be a compliment. You must be enjoying your time in Korea; as you have enjoyed the food enough to gain a little weight.

In most cultures it is a compliment when you finish your plate.
Weight comments are the norm in many cultures.

I find North America fascinating; I have upset people by not commenting on weight lost or gained, as much as I have when I have not commented. It is a no win situation.

Enjoy the rest of your stay.

Cheers, h.

cnbbnc

Just wanted to say I can sympathize with what you're experiencing. I spent a few weeks in Vietnam and on one occasion while walking through a silk shop a salesgirl enthusiastically told me they can make clothes in "big sizes" for me. She said it like....we can help you fat American lady!

My second run in was a woman actually poking my thigh and telling me I don't exercise because my legs are very big. Who does this, right?!?! LOL!!!

Try not to let it get to you too much. Maybe it's a cultural thing, but then again some people just have no filter.

tomatoey

Cultural difference, don't take it personally, do your thing.

(Korean pancakes are deliiiiicious though)

CrazyMermaid1

My daughter in law is half Korean but grew up here. At her last visit her family focused on how fat she is. She has a 22 inch waist and wears a size 6. Go figure

LKArgh

I have no idea about Korean culture but I notice in the OP there was this phrase
"The foreign teacher gained weight, don't you think so? Look at her face. Her face is so fat now, right? It's pretty, don't you think?"
Could it be a compliment? My grandma, and a whole generation of people where I live, would consider gaining weight a good thing and it would be a compliment. Very awkward for someone young trying to lose weight, but for older people who struggled to survive and find food in their youth, being fat was a sign of health and happiness, so it was impossible for them to grasp that there is too much of a good thing ...

amusedmonkey

aggelikik wrote: »

I have no idea about Korean culture but I notice in the OP there was this phrase
"The foreign teacher gained weight, don't you think so? Look at her face. Her face is so fat now, right? It's pretty, don't you think?"
Could it be a compliment? My grandma, and a whole generation of people where I live, would consider gaining weight a good thing and it would be a compliment. Very awkward for someone young trying to lose weight, but for older people who struggled to survive and find food in their youth, being fat was a sign of health and happiness, so it was impossible for them to grasp that there is too much of a good thing ...

I was actually thinking the same. "fat face" is one of the things older people here mention sometimes to describe a beautiful healthy woman. It could be that she is proud how her country's food and culture are so good they made you gain weight because you can't get enough of them. When we visited my grandmother as kids and stayed for a whole month every year, she took pride in us gaining weight as a sign that we were having a good time around her. She used to say "happy children don't look scrawny".

yummypotroast

cnbbnc wrote: »

Just wanted to say I can sympathize with what you're experiencing. I spent a few weeks in Vietnam and on one occasion while walking through a silk shop a salesgirl enthusiastically told me they can make clothes in "big sizes" for me. She said it like....we can help you fat American lady!

My second run in was a woman actually poking my thigh and telling me I don't exercise because my legs are very big. Who does this, right?!?! LOL!!!

Try not to let it get to you too much. Maybe it's a cultural thing, but then again some people just have no filter.

That's horrible! I've had the same thing happen when I was buying pants and the saleswoman said to me, "You know you can't return it because you bought the wrong size so..." Ugh so frustrating since there were also no means for me to try them on in store. Also very condescending to imply I'm somehow delusional about my own size.

amusedmonkey wrote: »

aggelikik wrote: »

I have no idea about Korean culture but I notice in the OP there was this phrase
"The foreign teacher gained weight, don't you think so? Look at her face. Her face is so fat now, right? It's pretty, don't you think?"
Could it be a compliment? My grandma, and a whole generation of people where I live, would consider gaining weight a good thing and it would be a compliment. Very awkward for someone young trying to lose weight, but for older people who struggled to survive and find food in their youth, being fat was a sign of health and happiness, so it was impossible for them to grasp that there is too much of a good thing ...

I was actually thinking the same. "fat face" is one of the things older people here mention sometimes to describe a beautiful healthy woman. It could be that she is proud how her country's food and culture are so good they made you gain weight because you can't get enough of them. When we visited my grandmother as kids and stayed for a whole month every year, she took pride in us gaining weight as a sign that we were having a good time around her. She used to say "happy children don't look scrawny".

That's an interesting thought! I was more annoyed with the fact that she does not recognize my professional accomplishments or even my personality and is rather solely concerned with my weight as my identity. However, this is certainly a possibility and she doesn't mean any personal malice. I'll remind myself of this if she makes these comments in the future.

Thank you all for the responses!

sapphirewind

yummypotroast wrote: »

cnbbnc wrote: »

Just wanted to say I can sympathize with what you're experiencing. I spent a few weeks in Vietnam and on one occasion while walking through a silk shop a salesgirl enthusiastically told me they can make clothes in "big sizes" for me. She said it like....we can help you fat American lady!

My second run in was a woman actually poking my thigh and telling me I don't exercise because my legs are very big. Who does this, right?!?! LOL!!!

Try not to let it get to you too much. Maybe it's a cultural thing, but then again some people just have no filter.

That's horrible! I've had the same thing happen when I was buying pants and the saleswoman said to me, "You know you can't return it because you bought the wrong size so..." Ugh so frustrating since there were also no means for me to try them on in store. Also very condescending to imply I'm somehow delusional about my own size.

amusedmonkey wrote: »

aggelikik wrote: »

I have no idea about Korean culture but I notice in the OP there was this phrase
"The foreign teacher gained weight, don't you think so? Look at her face. Her face is so fat now, right? It's pretty, don't you think?"
Could it be a compliment? My grandma, and a whole generation of people where I live, would consider gaining weight a good thing and it would be a compliment. Very awkward for someone young trying to lose weight, but for older people who struggled to survive and find food in their youth, being fat was a sign of health and happiness, so it was impossible for them to grasp that there is too much of a good thing ...

I was actually thinking the same. "fat face" is one of the things older people here mention sometimes to describe a beautiful healthy woman. It could be that she is proud how her country's food and culture are so good they made you gain weight because you can't get enough of them. When we visited my grandmother as kids and stayed for a whole month every year, she took pride in us gaining weight as a sign that we were having a good time around her. She used to say "happy children don't look scrawny".

That's an interesting thought! I was more annoyed with the fact that she does not recognize my professional accomplishments or even my personality and is rather solely concerned with my weight as my identity. However, this is certainly a possibility and she doesn't mean any personal malice. I'll remind myself of this if she makes these comments in the future.

Thank you all for the responses!

Did anything get better? I know you are most likely still at the school. Even though I am not small, thankfully I can't understand much of what they say and even if I did I have lost weight while here out of sheer will due to the culture being like this here. I still feel as though it is never enough because I can barely fit into the clothes here but that is just me. And the only ones saying negative things about my weight in English are little kids trying to bully me....to them I just pout and pretend to cry...kids will be kids after all.

kshama2001

pstegman888 wrote: »

I would just smile and say, "Yes, your Korean food is so delicious! I will have to be careful not to enjoy it too much!"

OP - I've heard this is common is some Asian cultures. Try the above.

See also http://kimchibytes.com/2013/07/18/the-skinny-on-koreans/

GetThatRunnersHigh

Weight is not taboo in most Asian cultures. Commenting on weight gain is on the same level as pointing out a new hair cut.

My aunt tells me that I look like I'm eating well every time she sees me. I'm the "fattest" girl in the family at 5'2" and 120 pounds. Am not offended because fat is an adjective, like short or purple.

Side note, Asians have different categories for BMI. Overweight starts at 23 and obese starts at 27.

tcunbeliever

It has been my experience that weight is a common topic of conversation in Korea, particularly if your weight falls anywhere outside of the average for whatever population you are in (school teachers in this case). In general any physical characteristics outside of the average is a topic of conversation including, height, hair/eye/skin color, bone structure, breast size, etc. - they are just fascinated with any part that is a bit different and their social structure considers discussing these kind of visible characteristics as common as discussing the weather. Also "fat" can be used for "big", "tall", "round", "curvy", "busty", etc. as a general rule Koreans don't understand that "fat" is a rude word in America because talking about body characteristics is normal to them. She is probably not trying to be rude, but she is probably very fascinated that your weight changed - they are very focused on being average and being like everyone else, their culture does not value being unique or individual the way American culture does, they shun the idea of being different in any way - so you being a different weight, heavy or light, to them it's just fascinating because it's something they would never do...like having someone with bright pink hair in the office one day...she's probably never going to get tired of talking about it, but it's unlikely that she's trying to be demeaning.