Unsupportive but not abusive, right?
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I am really struggling and hoping for some honest outside opinions.
My dad died a little over a year and a half ago. I had a breakdown. Yup, the mom of 3, do it all wife, Girl Scout leader, manager - your basic garden variety super mom - lost her mind. I've been on medication since then and it helps. But it doesn't fix what's broken inside. I've emotionally eaten my way to 210, emotionally spent my way into being behind on the car and mortgage, and recently the doc confirmed I'm prediabetic. I'm fairly smart and enough is enough...I need to get fixed.
I took a lower salary to cut back on work stress. I created a strict budget. I started using MFP and exercising. Today was the first day I saw a therapist. I went directly after work and it was only an hour. I'm optimistic that with some hard work and honest chats I might fix the broken stuff. The stuff I hide in a dark box in the corner of me.
When I came home, hubby laid on a big guilt trip that " the kids " wanted to wait for mommy to eat dinner and they had to cave and eat without me...I must not love them enough to come home for dinner. I'm selfish for seeing a useless doctor. I need to grow up. Real adults manage just fine without spending time with doctors.
I stuck up for myself but it was a very awful shouting match. And now I'm upset trying not to go buy the soda, not go get fries, and you don't want to know how badly I want a Wendy's baconator.
I *think* that it's okay to cry and feel betrayed right now. That he's ignorant and a control freak and scared im only going there to talk about him (which im not). But I feel like I went 29 rounds with mayweather. I'm scared to say it's abusive because that means I should look at a bigger change. But where am I?
I don't know that I'd call it abusive. I don't even know that I'd call it unsupportive YET.. Not understanding, yes. Ignorant? Hell yes. Help him understand.
Do not, under any circumstance, say, "I wouldn't have to [emotionally buy stuff | eat a baconator | see a therapist] if you would.." to him. You control your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Own them.0 -
Lack of support can be so hard. We all say things out of spite now and then...even those of us who claim we never would. If this is on going then I would seek out other options such as seperation or counsoling if you could get him to go. You have 3 kids... Just walking away as of right now (if this is an uncommon thing from hun would be wrong) to many ppl throw marriage away now days with out trying to work on it. I have no idea what every other day in your house hold is like...but I do know this. .work on yourself, see your doctor, continue on with your weight loss...exercise is a great stress reliever. Things will fall into place. Either he will get on board and support you and your new lifestyle or he won't. Ultimately when you are in a better place mentally and physically you will know what to do with your marriage...again I am saying this based off the info provided which I read as he is not abusive he had a bad day and said things he shouldn't...if he is not on board with you, then tell him...I understand you don't believe in or like the things I am doing...but they are not hurting anyone and I am doing them because they make me happy and they make me feel better. I am sorry if it takes some time out of my day...but the sooner I am happy and healthy the sooner we can all be happy.0
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Well is this an isolated incident? Does he apologize about it later? Does he insult you in front of your children?0
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Yeah, he sounds rigid, not a little ignorant, and resentful. & maybe he didn't know what to do with the kids when they complained.
I would not want to be married to someone like him, personally. I can't tell if you do right now.
Practically speaking, I think giving him lots of sympathy for whatever stress he goes through in his two jobs might go a little way towards getting him to return the favour.
But I mean that will cost you more in terms of stress. Also, if he just doesn't believe in counselling, that is going to be a sticking point no matter what, he's going to resent any time you take for it. Maybe if you get a neighbour to help out with dinner on those days, and take that load off him, he'll relax a little, but he'll probably hate that idea too because he'll still think it's really your job to do it.
It sounds like he's pretty hard on himself, too, and probably is emotionally stunted in general, if he identifies with manly manly man things etc. i don't know if helping him feel stronger would help him chill out, or comforting him when he feels weak would do that (might make him feel worse?). It's allllll more work for you, though.MoiAussi93 wrote: »Ty for the feedback. He will never, ever go to counseling. He thinks it's a crock hence the comments. I was not paraphrasing, he said those things. He works two jobs - does not have a license anymore so I actually have to drive him. My job is a desk job and his is labor so he considers it that I have it easy. I love the idea of a weight scale for portions but I can't buy one right now. I think I will designate a measuring cup as a portion container to see how that works.
So far so good... Have my trusty bottle of water and no soda in the house to cave to. I am really grateful for the posts; had nowhere to turn and I just needed a way to calm down and refocus.
He's stupid. I'm gonna go with that.
Some people just really don't believe in counseling. It's not for everybody. If you were raised to just tough it out, the therapy concept just seems strange and unnecessary. However, that doesn't mean you shouldn't give it a try if you believe it could be helpful. He doesn't need to believe in it, he just needs to not interfere.
I would just sit down with your husband when you are both calm and explain that you need to do this...at least for a certain amount of time to evaluate whether it helps. Let him know what the frequency is, the whole schedule, so that he doesn't get blindsided by you not being there when expected. If he is interested, tell him what you discuss (or at least some of it). It also wouldn't hurt to remind him of your appointments the morning of. If you are the one who normally takes care of dinner, maybe make something ahead of time that he can just reheat for him and the kids.
I realize this puts most of the burden on you, but it could help reduce friction and make him feel better about the situation and hopefully be more supportive going forward. And less conflict helps you as well.
this might work.
(honestly, my thought is also divorce, because life with this man sounds so freaking tiring. it sounds like he's making things more bad than good for you, and it does sound like you're basically on your own in all this. but if you don't want to do that, i guess, good luck. I think LONGER term, helping him find a more stable job might help too. again more on your plate )0 -
.. does not have a license anymore so I actually have to drive him.
What's up with that? Did some selfish act on his part lead to the fact that his doesn't have a license and now you unselfishly have to drive him around? Real adults outside of places like New York City have licenses (throwing his words back at him).
I think you have a long term problem on your hands.
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Hey,
It can be hard when one your spouse doesn't believe in therapy and you are trying to better yourself. Next time, just tell the kids it's okay to eat without you and mom has a doctor's appointment. I would suggest bring this up to your therapist at your next appointment. As for your husband, you could always ask "Okay, what can we do to improve the situation for when I have a following appointment?"
Your husband might also be scared that you are planning on leaving him. I don't know your story the partner can get scared when there spouse starts therapy. You can reassure him with saying stuff like "This is important to me" and etc. Explain to him that it's important you both respect each others view points even if you don't agree on it.
If you want someone to talk to feel free to email me. Good luck.0 -
Your husband sounds frustrated with you. You say you emotionally eat, emotionally spend and as a consequence are behind on your car and your mortgage, you took a lower paying job while he's working 2 jobs, and now you are going to therapy to talk about dark corners of your soul or whatever. Who is paying for therapy? Does your insurance cover it or is this eating into your mortgage?
If you think therapy will do something to make you well again, you could try explaining to your husband what a person such as a yourself is supposed to get out of it. Explain what therapists know and impart that ordinary people don't. Their success rate. Stuff like that.
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.. does not have a license anymore so I actually have to drive him.
What's up with that? Did some selfish act on his part lead to the fact that his doesn't have a license and now you unselfishly have to drive him around? Real adults outside of places like New York City have licenses (throwing his words back at him).
I think you have a long term problem on your hands.
Yeah, what is that about, why doesn't he have a license? That's bad news, as far as I'm concerned. Especially if he doesn't want to deal with the reasons his license was taken away. Because, look:
- If he got a DUI, and doesn't want to face dealing with his terrible coping methods (signs point to yes if he hates counselling), then that isn't going to get better on its own. Obviously.
- If it's because of aggressive driving, he has an anger management problem. That is also not going to improve without a huge motivation to address it.
- If it's because of unpaid parking fines, a), that's a LOT of parking tickets that he hasn't dealt with in a responsible way, and b) it means he thinks he can do whatever he wants (park wherever he wants, not pay) and doesn't care about the law or consequences to him or his family.
Like NONE of those are good things.0 -
take care of yourself, your kids can definitely eat without you, tell your husband you are going to counselling if that is what you want. Cant change others, just state what you are going to do and do it, just take care of you and be kind to yourself and lose the weight. oh yes my daughter use to guilt my Dad into buying her a car and said if you loved me you would, he said I don't love you that much! Funny. My husband sometimes says you will do this if you love me, I repeat I don't love you that much! (throws them for a loop)0
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That does sound borderline abusive/toxic if he makes comments like this often. Even if he won't go to counseling I would suggest bringing up the topic with your therapist and discussing it with them... for your mental well-being to learn to cope with his attitude. Just focus on the reason you're doing this.... for you, for your health, so you can be there for your family down the road.0
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hamptontom wrote: »OP...oooohboy. you and i have lived parallel lives this past year.
(TMI warning, folks...tune out if you're adverse to this kinda stuff.)
I just watched my wife and six year old son load their belongings onto the back of a truck to move over 1,000 miles away at the end of May of this year, at the conclusion of one of the the most emotionally back-breaking years of our 15 year relationship...and considering what we've been through, that's really saying something.
This happened because neither of us handle adversity well, but we absolutely crumbled under the pressures of a move to a new town, deaths in the family, job losses, financial woes...and the first thing we reached for in the toolkit was to blame each other. My wife didn't work a single day of the year we lived here, and complained every time anything was asked of her...and made me the scapegoat of every single frustration that crossed her plate.
Instead of setting aside our mutual aggression and trying to work through it together, we did what many, many people do - we collected ammunition for use against one another, bottled up resentments and did almost nothing to support one another. After almost a year of this, there was really only one logical outcome.
Some people have the ability to sit down and calmly state their case and gently work through adversity and actually come out stronger on the other side of it. I consider myself lucky to have been in one of those relationships once, but this one wasn't it. And as I watch other friends struggle through many of the same issues, it's pretty obvious that most of us reach first for the "dig your heels in and fight" rulebook.
It sounds like you guys are going through a LOT of the same things that I have this past year. When you say, OP, that you escalated to 210 lbs, it gives the impression that you haven't always struggled with your weight, and that your current situation is a by-product of the stresses your family is experiencing.
That's great news - that means that it's a behavior that you inadvertently fell into that you're perfectly capable of unlearning. You'll have it easier than some folks in that regard.
I'll say this, though - even from what little you've told me, it sounds like your husband is lashing out because he's every bit as frustrated as you are, and probably by most of the same things. I don't know him, and I don't claim to have any insight into his mental state, or how in touch he is with anything beneath the typical male ego hot buttons that are so accessible to the vast majority of my gender, but I do think you have a pretty clear decision to make, here.
You can accept some of the other advise given here and become confrontational - which will have one outcome, and I can practically guarantee it, and I don't think I need to tell you what it'll be.
Or you can accept that, as painful as it is to come to this conclusion, that you're going to have to make whatever life changes that are important to you without the support of your spouse, and try to calmly deflect his anger when he becomes confrontational about it, and continue to quietly commit to yourself and your desire not to keep living the life you've been living.
It SUCKS that you feel you don't have a partner with which to weather this stuff, and it's lonely as hell to realize that he doesn't seem to be interested in even trying to empathize with your emotional state - but don't let that loneliness deter you from looking out for yourself and your children, and doing what you need to do to lift yourself out of this place you're in right now. Maybe he'll come around, maybe he won't - but you have a responsibility to yourself and your kids to be the best person you can, both physically AND emotionally.
If you're lucky, then maybe you can have this conversation when and if the stress level dies down around the house...maybe, maybe not.
But the one thing you have to accept as fact right now is that if you do nothing, nothing changes.
Good luck to you. If you've actually read all this, I hope it helps in some way.
Yep what this guy said0 -
On a more personal note...
I too went through a time in my life where I a) spent waaaaay too much money trying to fill a void that I didn't realise I had
b) ate too much crappy food for the same reason
c) felt unloved due to lack of communication and I looked else where for intimacy
Anyway thanks to a really bad time where everything came out in the open, we have started opening up to each other.
Once a month we have a date night.
Once a month (at a different time) we sit down and have a "performance review" where we both have a talk about how we're feeling and what we can do about it.
It turns out that both of us feel underappreciated and overworked. Since working that out, we both try really hard to show appreciation.
He point blank refused to go to a shrink about it too. But I see one. Which he had to pay for. That caused a bit of tension between us too. But by talking about it as adults we're slowly working our way through this.
Love and marriage aren't easy. It's up to you if you think it's worth the hard work or not. Honestly? I definitely think it's worth it.
Sending hugs op0 -
When I came home, hubby laid on a big guilt trip that " the kids " wanted to wait for mommy to eat dinner and they had to cave and eat without me...I must not love them enough to come home for dinner. I'm selfish for seeing a useless doctor. I need to grow up. Real adults manage just fine without spending time with doctors.
Is that exactly what the guy said or are you paraphrasing?
If this is exactly what he said to you the reply is simple. Tell him if you married a provider who was willing and able to support his family, then you wouldn't have to work outside the home to bring in the money. And you would instead be staying home as a full time mother and be having less nervous breakdowns. Problem solved. Suggest he take a second job to make this happen. Otherwise he should shut up since you're out there toiling away to bring in the money to support the family.
Lol this is funny! Probably the worst idea ever to say to him! Like ww3 fight!0 -
Well I think he will not go to counseling bc he is probably a narcissistic type person. He sounds like my husband! O the fights! But if I know him what he needs is reassuring as odd as it sounds. He may want to know that you are not going to change and that you love him. But if you know how to talk to him and deal with him this will help it not escalate to a monstrous fight.
he probably is feeling scared. He is like a man child really. Whether you want to figure out how tobe with him knowing this or not is up to you. its alot of work!0 -
When my mum passed away, I had to catch a flight back to my home country and hubby told me to 'enjoy your holiday and say hi to everyone for me'....
Then while I was back home, he called to ask me to visit his friends for him, since he couldn't do it himself.
I went for a week because he didn't have a job and I had to get back to work. When I got back I got stuck into him (verbally) and his response was That's the past, let it go, I have.
I was only gone 7 days! I talked about it with his family and they shrugged their shoulders and said Well he's never lost a mother in law before.
My mum passed in 2010 and I harboured so much fury towards my husband for making such a sad moment for me, into something about him, that in 2011! he conceded that he will never be able to apologise enough for his words or behaviour, and sent me to a grief counsellor before I hurt someone. I was in a very dark place by then.
My other mum passed away later that year and I waited for my hubby to say all the stupid stuff that he doesn't filter, but instead grabbed my hand and said Lets get your airfare. Gave me a hug and condolences and wished me safe travels. He didn't call while I was back home and when I got back gave me another hug.
I have learned that people say stupid stuff in times of grief and that after a loss, you are not the same person anymore, grief changes you ('you' in general), but people will always say stupid stuff. Xxx0 -
If this is the 1st time this has happened, then he may just have had an extreme reaction to long-term pressure. If this is a consistent pattern, then you need to start taking some hard looks at some things. Either way, he may benefit from counseling, as well.0
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Ty for the feedback. He will never, ever go to counseling. He thinks it's a crock hence the comments. I was not paraphrasing, he said those things. He works two jobs - does not have a license anymore so I actually have to drive him. My job is a desk job and his is labor so he considers it that I have it easy. I love the idea of a weight scale for portions but I can't buy one right now. I think I will designate a measuring cup as a portion container to see how that works.
So far so good... Have my trusty bottle of water and no soda in the house to cave to. I am really grateful for the posts; had nowhere to turn and I just needed a way to calm down and refocus.
He's stupid. I'm gonna go with that.
He is going to depend on you for a while because he needs you to drive even though he wishes he had his driving independence. He might feel a little threatened that you are taking steps to help yourself for example by going to therapy.
Make things easier for yourself. First, make sure that you are getting enough sleep.
Second, it will take some up front effort, but it will pay off in the future for you to involve the children in food planning, preparing, shopping, cooking. Also, have them do more chores around the house.
By going to that therapy session, you have already made a great deal of progress. Good luck to you.
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When I came home, hubby laid on a big guilt trip that " the kids " wanted to wait for mommy to eat dinner and they had to cave and eat without me...I must not love them enough to come home for dinner. I'm selfish for seeing a useless doctor. I need to grow up. Real adults manage just fine without spending time with doctors.
Is that exactly what the guy said or are you paraphrasing?
If this is exactly what he said to you the reply is simple. Tell him if you married a provider who was willing and able to support his family, then you wouldn't have to work outside the home to bring in the money. And you would instead be staying home as a full time mother and be having less nervous breakdowns. Problem solved. Suggest he take a second job to make this happen. Otherwise he should shut up since you're out there toiling away to bring in the money to support the family.
Why is it the mans priority to be the provider. Equal rights etc.
Not everything is grounds for abuse. People can disagree with each other without the someone automatically being considered abusive.0 -
I don't know if this applies, but I think some people don't approve of the idea of therapy, because it means there is something "wrong". By you going to therapy, it might be sending your husband a signal that things won't just be fixed easily, and that can be scary. I've had people in my family who didn't understand why someone couldn't just "get over it". By handling it maturely and going to see a professional, it only made the other person madder. My guess, even though I don't know either of you, might be that he may be more frustrated at the idea that there is a problem that is hard to "fix", and less with you and your actions personally. Sometimes people aren't good at expressing what is really bothering them. Also things can heat up when things get financially straining or when people get overworked. It may be more that he is simply tired from working and wants to know you'll be there as a mutual support.
Ultimately though he will need to acknowledge that your well-being is most important. It can get scary when bills come due and time seems to move slowly. In time things will get better. I'd suggest having a good talk with him at a time when you both can relax and when you might not have the weight of stress from other things still on you, such as talking right after work. Perhaps a weekend, or some time when you can be alone without the kids to worry about, that way both of you can take down your walls and actually talk.0
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