Unsupportive but not abusive, right?

Karen_can_do_this

hamptontom wrote: »

OP...oooohboy. you and i have lived parallel lives this past year.

(TMI warning, folks...tune out if you're adverse to this kinda stuff.)

I just watched my wife and six year old son load their belongings onto the back of a truck to move over 1,000 miles away at the end of May of this year, at the conclusion of one of the the most emotionally back-breaking years of our 15 year relationship...and considering what we've been through, that's really saying something.

This happened because neither of us handle adversity well, but we absolutely crumbled under the pressures of a move to a new town, deaths in the family, job losses, financial woes...and the first thing we reached for in the toolkit was to blame each other. My wife didn't work a single day of the year we lived here, and complained every time anything was asked of her...and made me the scapegoat of every single frustration that crossed her plate.

Instead of setting aside our mutual aggression and trying to work through it together, we did what many, many people do - we collected ammunition for use against one another, bottled up resentments and did almost nothing to support one another. After almost a year of this, there was really only one logical outcome.

Some people have the ability to sit down and calmly state their case and gently work through adversity and actually come out stronger on the other side of it. I consider myself lucky to have been in one of those relationships once, but this one wasn't it. And as I watch other friends struggle through many of the same issues, it's pretty obvious that most of us reach first for the "dig your heels in and fight" rulebook.

It sounds like you guys are going through a LOT of the same things that I have this past year. When you say, OP, that you escalated to 210 lbs, it gives the impression that you haven't always struggled with your weight, and that your current situation is a by-product of the stresses your family is experiencing.

That's great news - that means that it's a behavior that you inadvertently fell into that you're perfectly capable of unlearning. You'll have it easier than some folks in that regard.

I'll say this, though - even from what little you've told me, it sounds like your husband is lashing out because he's every bit as frustrated as you are, and probably by most of the same things. I don't know him, and I don't claim to have any insight into his mental state, or how in touch he is with anything beneath the typical male ego hot buttons that are so accessible to the vast majority of my gender, but I do think you have a pretty clear decision to make, here.

You can accept some of the other advise given here and become confrontational - which will have one outcome, and I can practically guarantee it, and I don't think I need to tell you what it'll be.

Or you can accept that, as painful as it is to come to this conclusion, that you're going to have to make whatever life changes that are important to you without the support of your spouse, and try to calmly deflect his anger when he becomes confrontational about it, and continue to quietly commit to yourself and your desire not to keep living the life you've been living.

It SUCKS that you feel you don't have a partner with which to weather this stuff, and it's lonely as hell to realize that he doesn't seem to be interested in even trying to empathize with your emotional state - but don't let that loneliness deter you from looking out for yourself and your children, and doing what you need to do to lift yourself out of this place you're in right now. Maybe he'll come around, maybe he won't - but you have a responsibility to yourself and your kids to be the best person you can, both physically AND emotionally.

If you're lucky, then maybe you can have this conversation when and if the stress level dies down around the house...maybe, maybe not.

But the one thing you have to accept as fact right now is that if you do nothing, nothing changes.


Good luck to you. If you've actually read all this, I hope it helps in some way.

Yep what this guy said

Karen_can_do_this

On a more personal note...
I too went through a time in my life where I a) spent waaaaay too much money trying to fill a void that I didn't realise I had
b) ate too much crappy food for the same reason
c) felt unloved due to lack of communication and I looked else where for intimacy

Anyway thanks to a really bad time where everything came out in the open, we have started opening up to each other.
Once a month we have a date night.
Once a month (at a different time) we sit down and have a "performance review" where we both have a talk about how we're feeling and what we can do about it.

It turns out that both of us feel underappreciated and overworked. Since working that out, we both try really hard to show appreciation.

He point blank refused to go to a shrink about it too. But I see one. Which he had to pay for. That caused a bit of tension between us too. But by talking about it as adults we're slowly working our way through this.

Love and marriage aren't easy. It's up to you if you think it's worth the hard work or not. Honestly? I definitely think it's worth it.
Sending hugs op

angelexperiment

newmeadow wrote: »

brokensia wrote: »

When I came home, hubby laid on a big guilt trip that " the kids " wanted to wait for mommy to eat dinner and they had to cave and eat without me...I must not love them enough to come home for dinner. I'm selfish for seeing a useless doctor. I need to grow up. Real adults manage just fine without spending time with doctors.

Is that exactly what the guy said or are you paraphrasing?

If this is exactly what he said to you the reply is simple. Tell him if you married a provider who was willing and able to support his family, then you wouldn't have to work outside the home to bring in the money. And you would instead be staying home as a full time mother and be having less nervous breakdowns. Problem solved. Suggest he take a second job to make this happen. Otherwise he should shut up since you're out there toiling away to bring in the money to support the family.

Lol this is funny! Probably the worst idea ever to say to him! Like ww3 fight!

angelexperiment

Well I think he will not go to counseling bc he is probably a narcissistic type person. He sounds like my husband! O the fights! But if I know him what he needs is reassuring as odd as it sounds. He may want to know that you are not going to change and that you love him. But if you know how to talk to him and deal with him this will help it not escalate to a monstrous fight.

he probably is feeling scared. He is like a man child really. Whether you want to figure out how tobe with him knowing this or not is up to you. its alot of work!

amelialoveshersnacks

When my mum passed away, I had to catch a flight back to my home country and hubby told me to 'enjoy your holiday and say hi to everyone for me'....
Then while I was back home, he called to ask me to visit his friends for him, since he couldn't do it himself.
I went for a week because he didn't have a job and I had to get back to work. When I got back I got stuck into him (verbally) and his response was That's the past, let it go, I have.
I was only gone 7 days! I talked about it with his family and they shrugged their shoulders and said Well he's never lost a mother in law before.
My mum passed in 2010 and I harboured so much fury towards my husband for making such a sad moment for me, into something about him, that in 2011! he conceded that he will never be able to apologise enough for his words or behaviour, and sent me to a grief counsellor before I hurt someone. I was in a very dark place by then.
My other mum passed away later that year and I waited for my hubby to say all the stupid stuff that he doesn't filter, but instead grabbed my hand and said Lets get your airfare. Gave me a hug and condolences and wished me safe travels. He didn't call while I was back home and when I got back gave me another hug.
I have learned that people say stupid stuff in times of grief and that after a loss, you are not the same person anymore, grief changes you ('you' in general), but people will always say stupid stuff. Xxx

jennifer_417

If this is the 1st time this has happened, then he may just have had an extreme reaction to long-term pressure. If this is a consistent pattern, then you need to start taking some hard looks at some things. Either way, he may benefit from counseling, as well.

RodaRose

brokensia wrote: »

Ty for the feedback. He will never, ever go to counseling. He thinks it's a crock hence the comments. I was not paraphrasing, he said those things. He works two jobs - does not have a license anymore so I actually have to drive him. My job is a desk job and his is labor so he considers it that I have it easy. I love the idea of a weight scale for portions but I can't buy one right now. I think I will designate a measuring cup as a portion container to see how that works.

So far so good... Have my trusty bottle of water and no soda in the house to cave to. I am really grateful for the posts; had nowhere to turn and I just needed a way to calm down and refocus.

He's stupid. I'm gonna go with that.

He is going to depend on you for a while because he needs you to drive even though he wishes he had his driving independence. He might feel a little threatened that you are taking steps to help yourself for example by going to therapy.
Make things easier for yourself. First, make sure that you are getting enough sleep.
Second, it will take some up front effort, but it will pay off in the future for you to involve the children in food planning, preparing, shopping, cooking. Also, have them do more chores around the house.
By going to that therapy session, you have already made a great deal of progress. Good luck to you.

slideaway1

newmeadow wrote: »

brokensia wrote: »

When I came home, hubby laid on a big guilt trip that " the kids " wanted to wait for mommy to eat dinner and they had to cave and eat without me...I must not love them enough to come home for dinner. I'm selfish for seeing a useless doctor. I need to grow up. Real adults manage just fine without spending time with doctors.

Is that exactly what the guy said or are you paraphrasing?

If this is exactly what he said to you the reply is simple. Tell him if you married a provider who was willing and able to support his family, then you wouldn't have to work outside the home to bring in the money. And you would instead be staying home as a full time mother and be having less nervous breakdowns. Problem solved. Suggest he take a second job to make this happen. Otherwise he should shut up since you're out there toiling away to bring in the money to support the family.

Why is it the mans priority to be the provider. Equal rights etc.
Not everything is grounds for abuse. People can disagree with each other without the someone automatically being considered abusive.

binglebandit

I don't know if this applies, but I think some people don't approve of the idea of therapy, because it means there is something "wrong". By you going to therapy, it might be sending your husband a signal that things won't just be fixed easily, and that can be scary. I've had people in my family who didn't understand why someone couldn't just "get over it". By handling it maturely and going to see a professional, it only made the other person madder. My guess, even though I don't know either of you, might be that he may be more frustrated at the idea that there is a problem that is hard to "fix", and less with you and your actions personally. Sometimes people aren't good at expressing what is really bothering them. Also things can heat up when things get financially straining or when people get overworked. It may be more that he is simply tired from working and wants to know you'll be there as a mutual support.

Ultimately though he will need to acknowledge that your well-being is most important. It can get scary when bills come due and time seems to move slowly. In time things will get better. I'd suggest having a good talk with him at a time when you both can relax and when you might not have the weight of stress from other things still on you, such as talking right after work. Perhaps a weekend, or some time when you can be alone without the kids to worry about, that way both of you can take down your walls and actually talk.