Unsupportive but not abusive, right?
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brokensia
Posts: 9 Member
I am really struggling and hoping for some honest outside opinions.
My dad died a little over a year and a half ago. I had a breakdown. Yup, the mom of 3, do it all wife, Girl Scout leader, manager - your basic garden variety super mom - lost her mind. I've been on medication since then and it helps. But it doesn't fix what's broken inside. I've emotionally eaten my way to 210, emotionally spent my way into being behind on the car and mortgage, and recently the doc confirmed I'm prediabetic. I'm fairly smart and enough is enough...I need to get fixed.
I took a lower salary to cut back on work stress. I created a strict budget. I started using MFP and exercising. Today was the first day I saw a therapist. I went directly after work and it was only an hour. I'm optimistic that with some hard work and honest chats I might fix the broken stuff. The stuff I hide in a dark box in the corner of me.
When I came home, hubby laid on a big guilt trip that " the kids " wanted to wait for mommy to eat dinner and they had to cave and eat without me...I must not love them enough to come home for dinner. I'm selfish for seeing a useless doctor. I need to grow up. Real adults manage just fine without spending time with doctors.
I stuck up for myself but it was a very awful shouting match. And now I'm upset trying not to go buy the soda, not go get fries, and you don't want to know how badly I want a Wendy's baconator.
I *think* that it's okay to cry and feel betrayed right now. That he's ignorant and a control freak and scared im only going there to talk about him (which im not). But I feel like I went 29 rounds with mayweather. I'm scared to say it's abusive because that means I should look at a bigger change. But where am I?
My dad died a little over a year and a half ago. I had a breakdown. Yup, the mom of 3, do it all wife, Girl Scout leader, manager - your basic garden variety super mom - lost her mind. I've been on medication since then and it helps. But it doesn't fix what's broken inside. I've emotionally eaten my way to 210, emotionally spent my way into being behind on the car and mortgage, and recently the doc confirmed I'm prediabetic. I'm fairly smart and enough is enough...I need to get fixed.
I took a lower salary to cut back on work stress. I created a strict budget. I started using MFP and exercising. Today was the first day I saw a therapist. I went directly after work and it was only an hour. I'm optimistic that with some hard work and honest chats I might fix the broken stuff. The stuff I hide in a dark box in the corner of me.
When I came home, hubby laid on a big guilt trip that " the kids " wanted to wait for mommy to eat dinner and they had to cave and eat without me...I must not love them enough to come home for dinner. I'm selfish for seeing a useless doctor. I need to grow up. Real adults manage just fine without spending time with doctors.
I stuck up for myself but it was a very awful shouting match. And now I'm upset trying not to go buy the soda, not go get fries, and you don't want to know how badly I want a Wendy's baconator.
I *think* that it's okay to cry and feel betrayed right now. That he's ignorant and a control freak and scared im only going there to talk about him (which im not). But I feel like I went 29 rounds with mayweather. I'm scared to say it's abusive because that means I should look at a bigger change. But where am I?
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Wow you have a lot going on. I'm so sorry about your dad. Your smart for realizing its time to get help . talking to a doctor or therapist is a great idea.
Has your husband ever made comments like this before ? ( just trying to figure out if he is just being Childish today or if this is a reoccurring thing?)
He may think that your going to get better and leave him so his insecurities took over and he made some stupid comments. Either way, a good husband would want his wife to seek help and get better. A good husband wouldn't want his wife to stay sick. So maybe think about this and try to figure out if this was a one time bad comment or something deeper.
Anyway, I started @ your weight and am 135 now! So it can be done. Here's my advice , get a food scale. Weigh everything you eat ! Don't eyeball portions. Weigh and log them accurate. Being accurate helps a lot ! Don't fall for any weight loss products, shakes , pills , whatever . its all nonsense. All you need to lose weight is a calorie deficit!
Hope this helps! Again, sorry your having a rough time. Your in the right place though. There's plenty of support here and people who have been there.
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Try and have a calm honest talk about how you are feeling. I've been where you are and I blew through tons of money and gained 60 pounds all in the hope that I would find some happiness in life. It didn't work. I think men sometimes don't realize that we wives and mothers have needs too. Either they will get it and not continue to guilt you into a downward spiral or be the loving and supportive mate that you deserve. Unfortunately I was not able to get through to mine and we ended up parting ways. However I am finding happiness now. Broke but getting thinner and at peace with life. I wish you the best.0
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I'm so sorry to hear all that has happened. I think it is also worth mentioning this to your therapist at your next appointment. It could just be that he was having a bad day, and that he didn't realise what he would be responsible for when you weren't home, but it could also be something much more serious.
However you can't be responsible for what he says, but for how you respond. It takes a few months to rewire your brain to stop craving chips, chocolate, soda etc every time something stressful happens, but each time you say no, you are forging a new path and building a new habit. Before you know it, you won't even be thinking about reaching for the usual comfort foods when you are stressed! So fight through your cravings, fight your body and keep making healthy choices! No healthy choice ever goes to waste
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I've seen something similar happen to friends of mine when one of the couple had major medical issues. Being "one down" took a lot of toll on the other and family. Those friends fought a lot and a big cause was that they didn't talk to each other to find the root of the problem. Eventually some of those friends were able to clear the air going through a counselor who worked with them to just get the conversation going without fighting.
Perhaps you could suggest seeing a counselor to help you two out?0 -
I've seen something similar happen to friends of mine when one of the couple had major medical issues. Being "one down" took a lot of toll on the other and family. Those friends fought a lot and a big cause was that they didn't talk to each other to find the root of the problem. Eventually some of those friends were able to clear the air going through a counselor who worked with them to just get the conversation going without fighting.
Perhaps you could suggest seeing a counselor to help you two out?
Great idea! Bring husband to counseling also so you can have a constructive conversation a bout what's going on and why comments like that are hurtful. He may be dealing with his own issues too so this could help both of you !0 -
Ty for the feedback. He will never, ever go to counseling. He thinks it's a crock hence the comments. I was not paraphrasing, he said those things. He works two jobs - does not have a license anymore so I actually have to drive him. My job is a desk job and his is labor so he considers it that I have it easy. I love the idea of a weight scale for portions but I can't buy one right now. I think I will designate a measuring cup as a portion container to see how that works.
So far so good... Have my trusty bottle of water and no soda in the house to cave to. I am really grateful for the posts; had nowhere to turn and I just needed a way to calm down and refocus.
He's stupid. I'm gonna go with that.0 -
Yeah sometimes spouses are stupid and then other times they can be abusive. Only you can answer that one. Your heart knows what's right even though its hard to think about sometimes.
Your in the right place for support.find some friends , make a thread in the introduce yourself section asking for requests and tell everyone about yourself . then, Get yourself a food scale as soon as you can. I promise measuring cups aren't going to be as accurate and it could hold up your progress some due to inaccurate weights on foods. Walmart sells digital scales for about $12 so please pick one up asap . its frustrating at first ( when learning to weigh foods ) but you'll be happy you did it.
Definitely dont stop your counseling. Even if he won't go, do this for yourself anyway. Your kids deserve a happy healthy mom so keep on with your medicine and therapy. If he doesn't come around eventually, at least you'll be in a better place mentally to deal with a possible divorce. So for now, just concentrate on getting yourself well. You can pull through this. You can do it ! If I found a way, anyone can . don't give up !
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When I came home, hubby laid on a big guilt trip that " the kids " wanted to wait for mommy to eat dinner and they had to cave and eat without me...I must not love them enough to come home for dinner. I'm selfish for seeing a useless doctor. I need to grow up. Real adults manage just fine without spending time with doctors.
Is that exactly what the guy said or are you paraphrasing?
If this is exactly what he said to you the reply is simple. Tell him if you married a provider who was willing and able to support his family, then you wouldn't have to work outside the home to bring in the money. And you would instead be staying home as a full time mother and be having less nervous breakdowns. Problem solved. Suggest he take a second job to make this happen. Otherwise he should shut up since you're out there toiling away to bring in the money to support the family.
Wow...that would be a great way to make the situation much worse, which I doubt would help the OP at all. That is not at all a productive way to work out problems.0 -
Ty for the feedback. He will never, ever go to counseling. He thinks it's a crock hence the comments. I was not paraphrasing, he said those things. He works two jobs - does not have a license anymore so I actually have to drive him. My job is a desk job and his is labor so he considers it that I have it easy. I love the idea of a weight scale for portions but I can't buy one right now. I think I will designate a measuring cup as a portion container to see how that works.
So far so good... Have my trusty bottle of water and no soda in the house to cave to. I am really grateful for the posts; had nowhere to turn and I just needed a way to calm down and refocus.
He's stupid. I'm gonna go with that.
Some people just really don't believe in counseling. It's not for everybody. If you were raised to just tough it out, the therapy concept just seems strange and unnecessary. However, that doesn't mean you shouldn't give it a try if you believe it could be helpful. He doesn't need to believe in it, he just needs to not interfere.
I would just sit down with your husband when you are both calm and explain that you need to do this...at least for a certain amount of time to evaluate whether it helps. Let him know what the frequency is, the whole schedule, so that he doesn't get blindsided by you not being there when expected. If he is interested, tell him what you discuss (or at least some of it). It also wouldn't hurt to remind him of your appointments the morning of. If you are the one who normally takes care of dinner, maybe make something ahead of time that he can just reheat for him and the kids.
I realize this puts most of the burden on you, but it could help reduce friction and make him feel better about the situation and hopefully be more supportive going forward. And less conflict helps you as well.0 -
MoiAussi93 wrote: »When I came home, hubby laid on a big guilt trip that " the kids " wanted to wait for mommy to eat dinner and they had to cave and eat without me...I must not love them enough to come home for dinner. I'm selfish for seeing a useless doctor. I need to grow up. Real adults manage just fine without spending time with doctors.
Is that exactly what the guy said or are you paraphrasing?
If this is exactly what he said to you the reply is simple. Tell him if you married a provider who was willing and able to support his family, then you wouldn't have to work outside the home to bring in the money. And you would instead be staying home as a full time mother and be having less nervous breakdowns. Problem solved. Suggest he take a second job to make this happen. Otherwise he should shut up since you're out there toiling away to bring in the money to support the family.
Wow...that would be a great way to make the situation much worse, which I doubt would help the OP at all. That is not at all a productive way to work out problems.
Op has three children, presumably under the age of 18. I think staying home full time to take care of them, without having to bust her nuts working on the outside to bring in money would do wonders for her mental health and stress level. But since the guy already works two jobs, he can't do any more. Usually these agreements are made before marrying, so if they no longer work, there may not be a solution. OP seeing a shrink is a step in the right direction. It doesn't sound like her husband is someone she can talk to about the way she's feeling right now.
Her husband also has three kids and is working two jobs...so he has stress as well. Saying things like if he "was a provider who was willing and able to support his family, then you wouldn't have to work outside the home to bring in the money" is just insulting to him and very inflammatory. That is not going to make anything better. Most people would get very angry and probably hurt if their spouse said something like that to them. That is blaming HIM for her problems, when it sounds like outside forces (her father's death) were the real cause.
They need to work TOGETHER...not throw blame around at each other. Even if he said some hurtful things to her, it doesn't help for her to throw a bunch of insults back at him.0 -
MoiAussi93 wrote: »When I came home, hubby laid on a big guilt trip that " the kids " wanted to wait for mommy to eat dinner and they had to cave and eat without me...I must not love them enough to come home for dinner. I'm selfish for seeing a useless doctor. I need to grow up. Real adults manage just fine without spending time with doctors.
Is that exactly what the guy said or are you paraphrasing?
If this is exactly what he said to you the reply is simple. Tell him if you married a provider who was willing and able to support his family, then you wouldn't have to work outside the home to bring in the money. And you would instead be staying home as a full time mother and be having less nervous breakdowns. Problem solved. Suggest he take a second job to make this happen. Otherwise he should shut up since you're out there toiling away to bring in the money to support the family.
Wow...that would be a great way to make the situation much worse, which I doubt would help the OP at all. That is not at all a productive way to work out problems.
I thought the same thing. Every marriage with kids doesn't have to be the husband as the sole provider to be happy . It seems that was totally out of left field, as every families finances will be different and not all women can demand to be taken care of. That's just not realistic to some.0 -
Wow some assumptions are really being made here. We don't know the entire story . the op mentioned one instance of him being hurtful and said he doesn't want to do counseling.0
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Wow guys - I didn't mean to get people all riled up at each other! I really do appreciate all the feedback. My emotions agree with the gut reaction to call him out on his crap but my head knows that would only make it worse. But the honest assessments were helpful - it made me more confident that I'm right to consider him totally unsupportive, tips on how to perhaps be smarter than him and avoid the stupid comments and argument, really real tugs on the fear that all things change - maybe even the white picket fence - and then some great thoughts on focusing on what I need to stay healthy. Food scale is on the grocery list!0
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Yours feedback sounds angry and bitter more than anything. You're talking divorce based on one fight. That seems more than a little extreme to me. And incredibly unreasonable.MoiAussi93 wrote: »MoiAussi93 wrote: »When I came home, hubby laid on a big guilt trip that " the kids " wanted to wait for mommy to eat dinner and they had to cave and eat without me...I must not love them enough to come home for dinner. I'm selfish for seeing a useless doctor. I need to grow up. Real adults manage just fine without spending time with doctors.
Is that exactly what the guy said or are you paraphrasing?
If this is exactly what he said to you the reply is simple. Tell him if you married a provider who was willing and able to support his family, then you wouldn't have to work outside the home to bring in the money. And you would instead be staying home as a full time mother and be having less nervous breakdowns. Problem solved. Suggest he take a second job to make this happen. Otherwise he should shut up since you're out there toiling away to bring in the money to support the family.
Wow...that would be a great way to make the situation much worse, which I doubt would help the OP at all. That is not at all a productive way to work out problems.
Op has three children, presumably under the age of 18. I think staying home full time to take care of them, without having to bust her nuts working on the outside to bring in money would do wonders for her mental health and stress level. But since the guy already works two jobs, he can't do any more. Usually these agreements are made before marrying, so if they no longer work, there may not be a solution. OP seeing a shrink is a step in the right direction. It doesn't sound like her husband is someone she can talk to about the way she's feeling right now.
Her husband also has three kids and is working two jobs...so he has stress as well. Saying things like if he "was a provider who was willing and able to support his family, then you wouldn't have to work outside the home to bring in the money" is just insulting to him and very inflammatory. That is not going to make anything better. Most people would get very angry and probably hurt if their spouse said something like that to them. That is blaming HIM for her problems, when it sounds like outside forces (her father's death) were the real cause.
They need to work TOGETHER...not throw blame around at each other. Even if he said some hurtful things to her, it doesn't help for her to throw a bunch of insults back at him.
Sounds like he isn't willing to work with her to me. Did you read what he said to her? If it were me, I would find it easier to get an alimony/child support check in the mail from such an individual. If I had to work outside the home with 3 kids and then get a bunch of sass lip when I come home from earning a living, that wouldn't go over well with me. Especially if I was recovering from a nervous breakdown and grieving a dead father.
If a woman isn't getting the support, financially, morally or emotionally, what's the point of being married, cleaning up after the guy and putting out? I just can't imagine coming home to that. I'd opt for a check in the mail and hand off the kids for some bi-monthly visitation at his house. Which would be a great time for the OP to catch up on napping, reading, housecleaning and socializing.
She wanted honest feedback and I know mine is uncompromising and hard-assed, but she's been given a number of points of view to consider.
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Seriously! I think anybody that has been together any length of time has probably said something hurtful on occasion.thorsmom01 wrote: »Wow some assumptions are really being made here. We don't know the entire story . the op mentioned one instance of him being hurtful and said he doesn't want to do counseling.
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You'll be happy you got the scale ! Keep us updated after a few weeks of logging and let us know how it goes !
As far as your home situation goes , stay focused on getting better and take care of yourself. Either he will come around or he won't, but at least you will be putting yourself first. Not every marriage will always be happy 100% of the time. Only you will be able to decide what's right for you. Its easy for others to say what they would do , but they aren't living in your shoes. Only you will know what the right answer is. listen to your heart . best of luck!
And don't get discouraged if food weighing seems difficult at first. It takes time to get the hang of. At first its time consuming and a pain in the butt , but after a while it'll only take a few mins a day and it gets a lot easier !0 -
MoiAussi93 wrote: »
Seriously! I think anybody that has been together any length of time has probably said something hurtful on occasion.thorsmom01 wrote: »Wow some assumptions are really being made here. We don't know the entire story . the op mentioned one instance of him being hurtful and said he doesn't want to do counseling.
I know I have. I used to say hurtful things out of anger because I didn't know how to deal with my feelings. I said really awful things like ", I wish I never married you because your worthless and the worst mistake ever " because I didn't know how to really express myself without getting angry . it took me ten years to learn how to be constructive , not destructive. So because we dont know the whole story here, its not right to make assumptions and start filing for child support off of the info provided. Lol . ( op its perfectly fine not to give every detail , I was just making an example that its not okay to give extreme advice without knowing the entire story )0 -
OP...oooohboy. you and i have lived parallel lives this past year.
(TMI warning, folks...tune out if you're adverse to this kinda stuff.)
I just watched my wife and six year old son load their belongings onto the back of a truck to move over 1,000 miles away at the end of May of this year, at the conclusion of one of the the most emotionally back-breaking years of our 15 year relationship...and considering what we've been through, that's really saying something.
This happened because neither of us handle adversity well, but we absolutely crumbled under the pressures of a move to a new town, deaths in the family, job losses, financial woes...and the first thing we reached for in the toolkit was to blame each other. My wife didn't work a single day of the year we lived here, and complained every time anything was asked of her...and made me the scapegoat of every single frustration that crossed her plate.
Instead of setting aside our mutual aggression and trying to work through it together, we did what many, many people do - we collected ammunition for use against one another, bottled up resentments and did almost nothing to support one another. After almost a year of this, there was really only one logical outcome.
Some people have the ability to sit down and calmly state their case and gently work through adversity and actually come out stronger on the other side of it. I consider myself lucky to have been in one of those relationships once, but this one wasn't it. And as I watch other friends struggle through many of the same issues, it's pretty obvious that most of us reach first for the "dig your heels in and fight" rulebook.
It sounds like you guys are going through a LOT of the same things that I have this past year. When you say, OP, that you escalated to 210 lbs, it gives the impression that you haven't always struggled with your weight, and that your current situation is a by-product of the stresses your family is experiencing.
That's great news - that means that it's a behavior that you inadvertently fell into that you're perfectly capable of unlearning. You'll have it easier than some folks in that regard.
I'll say this, though - even from what little you've told me, it sounds like your husband is lashing out because he's every bit as frustrated as you are, and probably by most of the same things. I don't know him, and I don't claim to have any insight into his mental state, or how in touch he is with anything beneath the typical male ego hot buttons that are so accessible to the vast majority of my gender, but I do think you have a pretty clear decision to make, here.
You can accept some of the other advise given here and become confrontational - which will have one outcome, and I can practically guarantee it, and I don't think I need to tell you what it'll be.
Or you can accept that, as painful as it is to come to this conclusion, that you're going to have to make whatever life changes that are important to you without the support of your spouse, and try to calmly deflect his anger when he becomes confrontational about it, and continue to quietly commit to yourself and your desire not to keep living the life you've been living.
It SUCKS that you feel you don't have a partner with which to weather this stuff, and it's lonely as hell to realize that he doesn't seem to be interested in even trying to empathize with your emotional state - but don't let that loneliness deter you from looking out for yourself and your children, and doing what you need to do to lift yourself out of this place you're in right now. Maybe he'll come around, maybe he won't - but you have a responsibility to yourself and your kids to be the best person you can, both physically AND emotionally.
If you're lucky, then maybe you can have this conversation when and if the stress level dies down around the house...maybe, maybe not.
But the one thing you have to accept as fact right now is that if you do nothing, nothing changes.
Good luck to you. If you've actually read all this, I hope it helps in some way.
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While it would be great if your husband agreed with your health journey and was supportive, instead, he's having issues with it. That's OK. You can do this without his support. Keep with your therapist and your healthy eating and exercising. Maybe he'll come around once he sees what you're like as the happy person he fell in love with. Give him space and time and just take care of yourself now.0
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Oh man, you've also had a rough time! Watching your family leave must've been awful. I think you are 100% spot on with your comment. ( that most of us build up ammo to use later .its very true)hamptontom wrote: »OP...oooohboy. you and i have lived parallel lives this past year.
(TMI warning, folks...tune out if you're adverse to this kinda stuff.)
I just watched my wife and six year old son load their belongings onto the back of a truck to move over 1,000 miles away at the end of May of this year, at the conclusion of one of the the most emotionally back-breaking years of our 15 year relationship...and considering what we've been through, that's really saying something.
This happened because neither of us handle adversity well, but we absolutely crumbled under the pressures of a move to a new town, deaths in the family, job losses, financial woes...and the first thing we reached for in the toolkit was to blame each other. My wife didn't work a single day of the year we lived here, and complained every time anything was asked of her...and made me the scapegoat of every single frustration that crossed her plate.
Instead of setting aside our mutual aggression and trying to work through it together, we did what many, many people do - we collected ammunition for use against one another, bottled up resentments and did almost nothing to support one another. After almost a year of this, there was really only one logical outcome.
Some people have the ability to sit down and calmly state their case and gently work through adversity and actually come out stronger on the other side of it. I consider myself lucky to have been in one of those relationships once, but this one wasn't it. And as I watch other friends struggle through many of the same issues, it's pretty obvious that most of us reach first for the "dig your heels in and fight" rulebook.
It sounds like you guys are going through a LOT of the same things that I have this past year. When you say, OP, that you escalated to 210 lbs, it gives the impression that you haven't always struggled with your weight, and that your current situation is a by-product of the stresses your family is experiencing.
That's great news - that means that it's a behavior that you inadvertently fell into that you're perfectly capable of unlearning. You'll have it easier than some folks in that regard.
I'll say this, though - even from what little you've told me, it sounds like your husband is lashing out because he's every bit as frustrated as you are, and probably by most of the same things. I don't know him, and I don't claim to have any insight into his mental state, or how in touch he is with anything beneath the typical male ego hot buttons that are so accessible to the vast majority of my gender, but I do think you have a pretty clear decision to make, here.
You can accept some of the other advise given here and become confrontational - which will have one outcome, and I can practically guarantee it, and I don't think I need to tell you what it'll be.
Or you can accept that, as painful as it is to come to this conclusion, that you're going to have to make whatever life changes that are important to you without the support of your spouse, and try to calmly deflect his anger when he becomes confrontational about it, and continue to quietly commit to yourself and your desire not to keep living the life you've been living.
It SUCKS that you feel you don't have a partner with which to weather this stuff, and it's lonely as hell to realize that he doesn't seem to be interested in even trying to empathize with your emotional state - but don't let that loneliness deter you from looking out for yourself and your children, and doing what you need to do to lift yourself out of this place you're in right now. Maybe he'll come around, maybe he won't - but you have a responsibility to yourself and your kids to be the best person you can, both physically AND emotionally.
If you're lucky, then maybe you can have this conversation when and if the stress level dies down around the house...maybe, maybe not.
But the one thing you have to accept as fact right now is that if you do nothing, nothing changes.
Good luck to you. If you've actually read all this, I hope it helps in some way.
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