Unsupportive but not abusive, right?

Try and have a calm honest talk about how you are feeling. I've been where you are and I blew through tons of money and gained 60 pounds all in the hope that I would find some happiness in life. It didn't work. I think men sometimes don't realize that we wives and mothers have needs too. Either they will get it and not continue to guilt you into a downward spiral or be the loving and supportive mate that you deserve. Unfortunately I was not able to get through to mine and we ended up parting ways. However I am finding happiness now. Broke but getting thinner and at peace with life. I wish you the best.

I've seen something similar happen to friends of mine when one of the couple had major medical issues. Being "one down" took a lot of toll on the other and family. Those friends fought a lot and a big cause was that they didn't talk to each other to find the root of the problem. Eventually some of those friends were able to clear the air going through a counselor who worked with them to just get the conversation going without fighting.

Perhaps you could suggest seeing a counselor to help you two out?

newmeadow wrote: »

brokensia wrote: »

When I came home, hubby laid on a big guilt trip that " the kids " wanted to wait for mommy to eat dinner and they had to cave and eat without me...I must not love them enough to come home for dinner. I'm selfish for seeing a useless doctor. I need to grow up. Real adults manage just fine without spending time with doctors.

Is that exactly what the guy said or are you paraphrasing?

If this is exactly what he said to you the reply is simple. Tell him if you married a provider who was willing and able to support his family, then you wouldn't have to work outside the home to bring in the money. And you would instead be staying home as a full time mother and be having less nervous breakdowns. Problem solved. Suggest he take a second job to make this happen. Otherwise he should shut up since you're out there toiling away to bring in the money to support the family.

Wow...that would be a great way to make the situation much worse, which I doubt would help the OP at all. That is not at all a productive way to work out problems.

newmeadow wrote: »

MoiAussi93 wrote: »

newmeadow wrote: »

brokensia wrote: »

When I came home, hubby laid on a big guilt trip that " the kids " wanted to wait for mommy to eat dinner and they had to cave and eat without me...I must not love them enough to come home for dinner. I'm selfish for seeing a useless doctor. I need to grow up. Real adults manage just fine without spending time with doctors.

Is that exactly what the guy said or are you paraphrasing?

If this is exactly what he said to you the reply is simple. Tell him if you married a provider who was willing and able to support his family, then you wouldn't have to work outside the home to bring in the money. And you would instead be staying home as a full time mother and be having less nervous breakdowns. Problem solved. Suggest he take a second job to make this happen. Otherwise he should shut up since you're out there toiling away to bring in the money to support the family.

Wow...that would be a great way to make the situation much worse, which I doubt would help the OP at all. That is not at all a productive way to work out problems.

Op has three children, presumably under the age of 18. I think staying home full time to take care of them, without having to bust her nuts working on the outside to bring in money would do wonders for her mental health and stress level. But since the guy already works two jobs, he can't do any more. Usually these agreements are made before marrying, so if they no longer work, there may not be a solution. OP seeing a shrink is a step in the right direction. It doesn't sound like her husband is someone she can talk to about the way she's feeling right now.

Her husband also has three kids and is working two jobs...so he has stress as well. Saying things like if he "was a provider who was willing and able to support his family, then you wouldn't have to work outside the home to bring in the money" is just insulting to him and very inflammatory. That is not going to make anything better. Most people would get very angry and probably hurt if their spouse said something like that to them. That is blaming HIM for her problems, when it sounds like outside forces (her father's death) were the real cause.

They need to work TOGETHER...not throw blame around at each other. Even if he said some hurtful things to her, it doesn't help for her to throw a bunch of insults back at him.

Wow some assumptions are really being made here. We don't know the entire story . the op mentioned one instance of him being hurtful and said he doesn't want to do counseling.

newmeadow wrote: »

MoiAussi93 wrote: »

newmeadow wrote: »

MoiAussi93 wrote: »

newmeadow wrote: »

brokensia wrote: »

When I came home, hubby laid on a big guilt trip that " the kids " wanted to wait for mommy to eat dinner and they had to cave and eat without me...I must not love them enough to come home for dinner. I'm selfish for seeing a useless doctor. I need to grow up. Real adults manage just fine without spending time with doctors.

Is that exactly what the guy said or are you paraphrasing?

If this is exactly what he said to you the reply is simple. Tell him if you married a provider who was willing and able to support his family, then you wouldn't have to work outside the home to bring in the money. And you would instead be staying home as a full time mother and be having less nervous breakdowns. Problem solved. Suggest he take a second job to make this happen. Otherwise he should shut up since you're out there toiling away to bring in the money to support the family.

Wow...that would be a great way to make the situation much worse, which I doubt would help the OP at all. That is not at all a productive way to work out problems.

Op has three children, presumably under the age of 18. I think staying home full time to take care of them, without having to bust her nuts working on the outside to bring in money would do wonders for her mental health and stress level. But since the guy already works two jobs, he can't do any more. Usually these agreements are made before marrying, so if they no longer work, there may not be a solution. OP seeing a shrink is a step in the right direction. It doesn't sound like her husband is someone she can talk to about the way she's feeling right now.

Her husband also has three kids and is working two jobs...so he has stress as well. Saying things like if he "was a provider who was willing and able to support his family, then you wouldn't have to work outside the home to bring in the money" is just insulting to him and very inflammatory. That is not going to make anything better. Most people would get very angry and probably hurt if their spouse said something like that to them. That is blaming HIM for her problems, when it sounds like outside forces (her father's death) were the real cause.

They need to work TOGETHER...not throw blame around at each other. Even if he said some hurtful things to her, it doesn't help for her to throw a bunch of insults back at him.

Sounds like he isn't willing to work with her to me. Did you read what he said to her? If it were me, I would find it easier to get an alimony/child support check in the mail from such an individual. If I had to work outside the home with 3 kids and then get a bunch of sass lip when I come home from earning a living, that wouldn't go over well with me. Especially if I was recovering from a nervous breakdown and grieving a dead father.

If a woman isn't getting the support, financially, morally or emotionally, what's the point of being married, cleaning up after the guy and putting out? I just can't imagine coming home to that. I'd opt for a check in the mail and hand off the kids for some bi-monthly visitation at his house. Which would be a great time for the OP to catch up on napping, reading, housecleaning and socializing.

She wanted honest feedback and I know mine is uncompromising and hard-assed, but she's been given a number of points of view to consider.

Yours feedback sounds angry and bitter more than anything. You're talking divorce based on one fight. That seems more than a little extreme to me. And incredibly unreasonable.

You'll be happy you got the scale ! Keep us updated after a few weeks of logging and let us know how it goes !

As far as your home situation goes , stay focused on getting better and take care of yourself. Either he will come around or he won't, but at least you will be putting yourself first. Not every marriage will always be happy 100% of the time. Only you will be able to decide what's right for you. Its easy for others to say what they would do , but they aren't living in your shoes. Only you will know what the right answer is. listen to your heart . best of luck!
And don't get discouraged if food weighing seems difficult at first. It takes time to get the hang of. At first its time consuming and a pain in the butt , but after a while it'll only take a few mins a day and it gets a lot easier !

OP...oooohboy. you and i have lived parallel lives this past year.

(TMI warning, folks...tune out if you're adverse to this kinda stuff.)

I just watched my wife and six year old son load their belongings onto the back of a truck to move over 1,000 miles away at the end of May of this year, at the conclusion of one of the the most emotionally back-breaking years of our 15 year relationship...and considering what we've been through, that's really saying something.

This happened because neither of us handle adversity well, but we absolutely crumbled under the pressures of a move to a new town, deaths in the family, job losses, financial woes...and the first thing we reached for in the toolkit was to blame each other. My wife didn't work a single day of the year we lived here, and complained every time anything was asked of her...and made me the scapegoat of every single frustration that crossed her plate.

Instead of setting aside our mutual aggression and trying to work through it together, we did what many, many people do - we collected ammunition for use against one another, bottled up resentments and did almost nothing to support one another. After almost a year of this, there was really only one logical outcome.

Some people have the ability to sit down and calmly state their case and gently work through adversity and actually come out stronger on the other side of it. I consider myself lucky to have been in one of those relationships once, but this one wasn't it. And as I watch other friends struggle through many of the same issues, it's pretty obvious that most of us reach first for the "dig your heels in and fight" rulebook.

It sounds like you guys are going through a LOT of the same things that I have this past year. When you say, OP, that you escalated to 210 lbs, it gives the impression that you haven't always struggled with your weight, and that your current situation is a by-product of the stresses your family is experiencing.

That's great news - that means that it's a behavior that you inadvertently fell into that you're perfectly capable of unlearning. You'll have it easier than some folks in that regard.

I'll say this, though - even from what little you've told me, it sounds like your husband is lashing out because he's every bit as frustrated as you are, and probably by most of the same things. I don't know him, and I don't claim to have any insight into his mental state, or how in touch he is with anything beneath the typical male ego hot buttons that are so accessible to the vast majority of my gender, but I do think you have a pretty clear decision to make, here.

You can accept some of the other advise given here and become confrontational - which will have one outcome, and I can practically guarantee it, and I don't think I need to tell you what it'll be.

Or you can accept that, as painful as it is to come to this conclusion, that you're going to have to make whatever life changes that are important to you without the support of your spouse, and try to calmly deflect his anger when he becomes confrontational about it, and continue to quietly commit to yourself and your desire not to keep living the life you've been living.

It SUCKS that you feel you don't have a partner with which to weather this stuff, and it's lonely as hell to realize that he doesn't seem to be interested in even trying to empathize with your emotional state - but don't let that loneliness deter you from looking out for yourself and your children, and doing what you need to do to lift yourself out of this place you're in right now. Maybe he'll come around, maybe he won't - but you have a responsibility to yourself and your kids to be the best person you can, both physically AND emotionally.

If you're lucky, then maybe you can have this conversation when and if the stress level dies down around the house...maybe, maybe not.

But the one thing you have to accept as fact right now is that if you do nothing, nothing changes.


Good luck to you. If you've actually read all this, I hope it helps in some way.

hamptontom wrote: »

OP...oooohboy. you and i have lived parallel lives this past year.

(TMI warning, folks...tune out if you're adverse to this kinda stuff.)

I just watched my wife and six year old son load their belongings onto the back of a truck to move over 1,000 miles away at the end of May of this year, at the conclusion of one of the the most emotionally back-breaking years of our 15 year relationship...and considering what we've been through, that's really saying something.

This happened because neither of us handle adversity well, but we absolutely crumbled under the pressures of a move to a new town, deaths in the family, job losses, financial woes...and the first thing we reached for in the toolkit was to blame each other. My wife didn't work a single day of the year we lived here, and complained every time anything was asked of her...and made me the scapegoat of every single frustration that crossed her plate.

Instead of setting aside our mutual aggression and trying to work through it together, we did what many, many people do - we collected ammunition for use against one another, bottled up resentments and did almost nothing to support one another. After almost a year of this, there was really only one logical outcome.

Some people have the ability to sit down and calmly state their case and gently work through adversity and actually come out stronger on the other side of it. I consider myself lucky to have been in one of those relationships once, but this one wasn't it. And as I watch other friends struggle through many of the same issues, it's pretty obvious that most of us reach first for the "dig your heels in and fight" rulebook.

It sounds like you guys are going through a LOT of the same things that I have this past year. When you say, OP, that you escalated to 210 lbs, it gives the impression that you haven't always struggled with your weight, and that your current situation is a by-product of the stresses your family is experiencing.

That's great news - that means that it's a behavior that you inadvertently fell into that you're perfectly capable of unlearning. You'll have it easier than some folks in that regard.

I'll say this, though - even from what little you've told me, it sounds like your husband is lashing out because he's every bit as frustrated as you are, and probably by most of the same things. I don't know him, and I don't claim to have any insight into his mental state, or how in touch he is with anything beneath the typical male ego hot buttons that are so accessible to the vast majority of my gender, but I do think you have a pretty clear decision to make, here.

You can accept some of the other advise given here and become confrontational - which will have one outcome, and I can practically guarantee it, and I don't think I need to tell you what it'll be.

Or you can accept that, as painful as it is to come to this conclusion, that you're going to have to make whatever life changes that are important to you without the support of your spouse, and try to calmly deflect his anger when he becomes confrontational about it, and continue to quietly commit to yourself and your desire not to keep living the life you've been living.

It SUCKS that you feel you don't have a partner with which to weather this stuff, and it's lonely as hell to realize that he doesn't seem to be interested in even trying to empathize with your emotional state - but don't let that loneliness deter you from looking out for yourself and your children, and doing what you need to do to lift yourself out of this place you're in right now. Maybe he'll come around, maybe he won't - but you have a responsibility to yourself and your kids to be the best person you can, both physically AND emotionally.

If you're lucky, then maybe you can have this conversation when and if the stress level dies down around the house...maybe, maybe not.

But the one thing you have to accept as fact right now is that if you do nothing, nothing changes.


Good luck to you. If you've actually read all this, I hope it helps in some way.

Oh man, you've also had a rough time! Watching your family leave must've been awful. I think you are 100% spot on with your comment. ( that most of us build up ammo to use later .its very true)

Lack of support can be so hard. We all say things out of spite now and then...even those of us who claim we never would. If this is on going then I would seek out other options such as seperation or counsoling if you could get him to go. You have 3 kids... Just walking away as of right now (if this is an uncommon thing from hun would be wrong) to many ppl throw marriage away now days with out trying to work on it. I have no idea what every other day in your house hold is like...but I do know this. .work on yourself, see your doctor, continue on with your weight loss...exercise is a great stress reliever. Things will fall into place. Either he will get on board and support you and your new lifestyle or he won't. Ultimately when you are in a better place mentally and physically you will know what to do with your marriage...again I am saying this based off the info provided which I read as he is not abusive he had a bad day and said things he shouldn't...if he is not on board with you, then tell him...I understand you don't believe in or like the things I am doing...but they are not hurting anyone and I am doing them because they make me happy and they make me feel better. I am sorry if it takes some time out of my day...but the sooner I am happy and healthy the sooner we can all be happy.

Yeah, he sounds rigid, not a little ignorant, and resentful. & maybe he didn't know what to do with the kids when they complained.

I would not want to be married to someone like him, personally. I can't tell if you do right now.

Practically speaking, I think giving him lots of sympathy for whatever stress he goes through in his two jobs might go a little way towards getting him to return the favour.

But I mean that will cost you more in terms of stress. Also, if he just doesn't believe in counselling, that is going to be a sticking point no matter what, he's going to resent any time you take for it. Maybe if you get a neighbour to help out with dinner on those days, and take that load off him, he'll relax a little, but he'll probably hate that idea too because he'll still think it's really your job to do it.

It sounds like he's pretty hard on himself, too, and probably is emotionally stunted in general, if he identifies with manly manly man things etc. i don't know if helping him feel stronger would help him chill out, or comforting him when he feels weak would do that (might make him feel worse?). It's allllll more work for you, though.

MoiAussi93 wrote: »

brokensia wrote: »

Ty for the feedback. He will never, ever go to counseling. He thinks it's a crock hence the comments. I was not paraphrasing, he said those things. He works two jobs - does not have a license anymore so I actually have to drive him. My job is a desk job and his is labor so he considers it that I have it easy. I love the idea of a weight scale for portions but I can't buy one right now. I think I will designate a measuring cup as a portion container to see how that works.

So far so good... Have my trusty bottle of water and no soda in the house to cave to. I am really grateful for the posts; had nowhere to turn and I just needed a way to calm down and refocus.

He's stupid. I'm gonna go with that.

Some people just really don't believe in counseling. It's not for everybody. If you were raised to just tough it out, the therapy concept just seems strange and unnecessary. However, that doesn't mean you shouldn't give it a try if you believe it could be helpful. He doesn't need to believe in it, he just needs to not interfere.

I would just sit down with your husband when you are both calm and explain that you need to do this...at least for a certain amount of time to evaluate whether it helps. Let him know what the frequency is, the whole schedule, so that he doesn't get blindsided by you not being there when expected. If he is interested, tell him what you discuss (or at least some of it). It also wouldn't hurt to remind him of your appointments the morning of. If you are the one who normally takes care of dinner, maybe make something ahead of time that he can just reheat for him and the kids.

I realize this puts most of the burden on you, but it could help reduce friction and make him feel better about the situation and hopefully be more supportive going forward. And less conflict helps you as well.

this might work.

(honestly, my thought is also divorce, because life with this man sounds so freaking tiring. it sounds like he's making things more bad than good for you, and it does sound like you're basically on your own in all this. but if you don't want to do that, i guess, good luck. I think LONGER term, helping him find a more stable job might help too. again more on your plate )

Hey,
It can be hard when one your spouse doesn't believe in therapy and you are trying to better yourself. Next time, just tell the kids it's okay to eat without you and mom has a doctor's appointment. I would suggest bring this up to your therapist at your next appointment. As for your husband, you could always ask "Okay, what can we do to improve the situation for when I have a following appointment?"

Your husband might also be scared that you are planning on leaving him. I don't know your story the partner can get scared when there spouse starts therapy. You can reassure him with saying stuff like "This is important to me" and etc. Explain to him that it's important you both respect each others view points even if you don't agree on it.

If you want someone to talk to feel free to email me. Good luck.

Nuke_64 wrote: »

brokensia wrote: »

.. does not have a license anymore so I actually have to drive him.

What's up with that? Did some selfish act on his part lead to the fact that his doesn't have a license and now you unselfishly have to drive him around? Real adults outside of places like New York City have licenses (throwing his words back at him).

I think you have a long term problem on your hands.

Yeah, what is that about, why doesn't he have a license? That's bad news, as far as I'm concerned. Especially if he doesn't want to deal with the reasons his license was taken away. Because, look:

- If he got a DUI, and doesn't want to face dealing with his terrible coping methods (signs point to yes if he hates counselling), then that isn't going to get better on its own. Obviously.
- If it's because of aggressive driving, he has an anger management problem. That is also not going to improve without a huge motivation to address it.
- If it's because of unpaid parking fines, a), that's a LOT of parking tickets that he hasn't dealt with in a responsible way, and b) it means he thinks he can do whatever he wants (park wherever he wants, not pay) and doesn't care about the law or consequences to him or his family.

Like NONE of those are good things.

That does sound borderline abusive/toxic if he makes comments like this often. Even if he won't go to counseling I would suggest bringing up the topic with your therapist and discussing it with them... for your mental well-being to learn to cope with his attitude. Just focus on the reason you're doing this.... for you, for your health, so you can be there for your family down the road.