30 yrs old girl in need after life-changing events...sharing my story and asking for help! <3

serenere

Hey guys, I'm not new to mfp but it's been a long while since I logged in. I'll make my life-story short

I'm an Italian 30 yrs old girl. I'm very petite (1.5m /4.11ft) that means that 5kg on me it's a huge amount that shows immediately. Playing tennis, eating healthy and having an active life I always managed somehow to stay on track. I never had a beach body (whatever that means) but I was never overweight.

Two years ago somethings happened that have shaken me. First, my longtime school bf left me out of the blue, when we were on the verge of moving in together. Not long after that my family suffered a big loss. At that time I was a bit out of my mind. I found comfort in food (which I never particularly did before) and I gained something like 10kg).

When I was done with the grieving, I couldn't recognize myself in the mirror, so I decided to do something about it and I joined MFP. In one year I lost about 7 kg, tracking food and doing sports. Then after some troubles at work and tons of stress, I decided to leave for France where I'm currently working since last year.

France was the end of my healthy life style: butter at every corner, croissants, pastries, etc. And the office canteen that's good for saving money but not for health. The temptation never leaves me. Also the stress of leaving my country and friends for a new job and home made me look for comfort food again. I gained back and more.

I am trying to find a balance again in my life and I want to like myself again. I feel that if I don't go back to who I was before all this mess I can never start a new chapter in my life...

I need your help to stay on track guys, please add me so we can support each other!

matti2

Hello Serenere! I can relate to your challenges. My story is similar, though I am quite a few years older. The combination of loss of a relationship, family issues and moving away from home and the place of your healthy habits can have a dramatic affect on your sense of self. I am American, married to a European and have lived in Europe for the past 12 years. Before that, I lived in NYC - where I had moved after university. Both of these moves were my choice and were a positive part of coming to understand who I am/want to be and what I need to feel my best.

I had to return to the States for most of the past 18 months because of a family member's health crisis (in the interim, my 20+ year marriage ended as well - just to add another source of stress!). While I was happy to be able to play a supportive role, it was a culture and lifestyle shock to move back to my childhood home in the suburbs, after years of urban life. Some changes I had to accept. For example the absence of a public transit system outside the cities meant that I had to get a car - which I spent hours sitting in, in traffic!

Of course it was I who allowed myself to be influenced by some of the other cultural habits which I had grown away from in my adult years while living on my own. Now I was living with family and wanted to "go with the flow". What was initially a sort of vacation from my healthier habits became the new reality and I started to doubt that I'd ever find the motivation, belief and will to become my former much healthier self. I basically defaulted to bad habits as a means of coping with stress, rather than prioritizing my health.

So, now I am back in Europe, in my own home, and I thought everything would fall into place again, but it hasn't been so easy. I know that the missing link is within me. So I ask myself what is really holding me back. We block ourselves in ways were not even aware of. Usually fear of some sort is at the root of it. For me, at this point in my life, I think it is fear of putting myself out there again, professionally and socially. As long as I feel my role has been to support a sick loved one, I haven't had to take a more active role in my own life. I have been able to hide in the role of care giver. Having my marriage end - even if I believe it was for the best - has shaken my sense of self and this self doubt has flowed into other aspects of my life. It's as if I view my former self and my interests from the other side of a window that I cannot seem to open. The former me: designer in the NYC fashion industry for 15 years, athlete, with a passion for people and languages and social justice and a closet full of fantastic clothes that I cannot (at the moment) wear, has almost come to feel like someone else.

So how do we overcome these obstacles and nurture the best versions of ourselves? Of course these are just my thoughts.

First - Acknowledge the changes in your life and the sense of loss that you're feeling. It's real and deserves to be validated.

Second - Be your own best friend. It sounds silly but it's true. Only you really know yourself and what you need to feel your best (de se sentir bien dans la peau).

Third - Celebrate your life! See it as an adventure - a rich learning experience in which life is the teacher and you are the student. We learn the "right" answers as we go along - and sometimes the right answer changes. But the purpose of life is to learn and to share what we learn with others. We each have something of value to share. And we should never be ashamed to ask for help. The help we gain from one, we can use to help another. Trust that the pain you have felt has made you stronger and use that strength to start the next chapter of your amazing story!

Fourth - Life and everything/everyone is in a constant state of flux - including our weight and physical fitness. Yet who we are, fundamentally, doesn't really change. What are the things you like about yourself? Celebrate those qualities! The more you do, the more others will respond positively to you and the less you will define yourself by your physical appearance. The funny thing is - at least for me - the more we are engaged in things that excite us and with people who inspire and appreciate us - the less seductive croissants (or, in my case, red wine) are. Think about times when you've felt at the top of your game, physically. I would guess that you felt overall happier - food was less tempting because you were being "nourished" by other things.

Five - (this one is sort of a contradiction)
Think of the things that are essential to your sense of equilibrium and inner happiness. For me, it's being able to ride my bike - whether to town or on a 2-hour exercise route. While I was in the States I made sure to get a bike and that really saved me. At the same time, allow yourself to discover new things about your new "home" - even if it's just temporary. Is there a local market? Get to know the vendors. Seek out others who are embracing a healhy lifestyle.

Lastly - I thought I knew it all in terms of nutrition and exercise, but I am always learning new healthy tips from others. At the same time, all of the information can be overwhelming. One of the most useful pieces of advice I come across is to make small changes. Incorporate them gradually into your habits. They may be things you've already done in the past and forgotten about. Don't set the bar too high for yourself. Set yourself up for success. Be patient. The old/new you will reemerge before you know it!

Wow! That was super long! I may have lost you along the way :-)
Hope that wasn't too "preachy"! I'm on this journey too (I've got the same amount to lose) and am happy to share and support!

JdoubleJ

Matti2 what you wrote is lovely!

matti2

Thank you, JdoubkleJ!

nrainb

@matti2 inspiring, thank you!

@serenere I hope you can like and love yourself again with or without the weight lost, YOU are worth it!!

Good luck to both you!

serenere

matti2 wrote: »

Hello Serenere! I can relate to your challenges. My story is similar, though I am quite a few years older. The combination of loss of a relationship, family issues and moving away from home and the place of your healthy habits can have a dramatic affect on your sense of self. I am American, married to a European and have lived in Europe for the past 12 years. Before that, I lived in NYC - where I had moved after university. Both of these moves were my choice and were a positive part of coming to understand who I am/want to be and what I need to feel my best.

Thank you everybody and thank you @matti for your words, it was very inspiring! I could completely understand what you felt when you were back with your family, that happened to me as well. And the fear of not putting ourselves out there again, blaming it on the weight gain. That part about the clothes also felt so me, I'm a fashionista and grieving over my wardrobe right now...

I think getting back here was for me the first step of self-acceptance. At the beginning I cut myself too much slack telling me I was right to have a break after what I've been through, then I did the opposite. I started to over blaming me telling me that I was weak and disgusting and I didn't deserved to be loved or even looked at. My self-esteem was at -100.

Lately I've been doing a lot of self-reflection. I came to the realization that I was actually even sick in my mind before gaining weight, one thing that I didn't realized for 30 yrs. Since I was a kid I always put too much emphases on my physical appearance. I grow up feeling strength only from my looks and when I felt like I lost them - being rejected by my ex and then gaining weight- everything collapsed into pieces, since that wasn't a real thing, but just a perception of my mind.

Now I know that living thinking like that was wrong and I want to lose the weight with a different mind set, a healthy one I hope. Now I know that gaining weight was a blessing in disguise that made me realize how idiotically I was living before. But I still need to lose it, to be free from this baggage and start again my life.

Let's help each other, beautiful members of MFP. I love this community, the weight journey it's so much more and everybody here has wonderful stories of personal growth to share with others. I love it and it's so inspiring, thanks!!!

matti2

Amen, sister!
Thank YOU @serenere - I love it! I only wish I'd had half your wisdom and self-knowledge when I was in my 30s! It's so true that we are way too hard on ourselves - even when we've consciously chosen to cut ourselves some slack. I know that one well!

It sounds as though your head is in a really good place now and you've got a great attitude. For me, mental attitude is everything. Don't be too hard on yourself about having put "too much" value on you physical appearance. Those are messages we get as children - they are memes so imbedded in society that it's pretty hard not to buy into that way of thinking. Now, that doesn't mean we can't be motivated by beautiful clothes. Time to let your inner fashionista out of the yoga pants (or maybe the yoga pants are just me these days!) and into something just waiting in your closet for the chance to make you feel gorgeous!

matti2

nrainb wrote: »

@matti2 inspiring, thank you!

@serenere I hope you can like and love yourself again with or without the weight lost, YOU are worth it!!

Good luck to both you!

Thank you @nrainb ! I hope it's going well for you.

dragonfire12601

I know how you feel. I used to play sports and was thin. I had to stop playing sports due to a knee injury and there went my weight. Around that time I started working at McDonald's which didn't help anything.

Years later I lost over 40 lbs. I gained some back but kept most of it off. I gained everything back when I went cross country to school. I kept the weight on for the past few years.

This past May I decided it was time. I'm also 30 years old and I knew it was now or never. I'm also petite at 5'1". I've lost 15 lbs so far but I have more to go. I've lived in NY my whole life so I'm able to control the temptation of pizza and other goodies.

Make sure you have people for motivation and support. Feel free to add me

serenere

dragonfire12601 wrote: »

I know how you feel. I used to play sports and was thin. I had to stop playing sports due to a knee injury and there went my weight. Around that time I started working at McDonald's which didn't help anything.

Years later I lost over 40 lbs. I gained some back but kept most of it off. I gained everything back when I went cross country to school. I kept the weight on for the past few years.

This past May I decided it was time. I'm also 30 years old and I knew it was now or never. I'm also petite at 5'1". I've lost 15 lbs so far but I have more to go. I've lived in NY my whole life so I'm able to control the temptation of pizza and other goodies.

Make sure you have people for motivation and support. Feel free to add me

added you! thanks a lot ! you should teach me some tip to resist of the pizza temptation!!!