Body acceptance & body improvement
Whitezombiegirl
Posts: 1,042 Member
This post is inspired by a conversation I was in yesterday. A female colleague was remarking how she wants to lose 3 stone (42lbs). A male colleague replied that ‘everyone should just be who they are’. I said that that everyone can be who they want to be.
This got me thinking- why in my experience, are people (friends, family, colleagues) supportive of you when you are ‘average’ e.g. middle of BMI, ‘average’ dress size etc. BUT when you are aiming to change yourself to fit with your own idea of body image or fitness goals etc.- they suddenly get very negative. Why do you want to lose more weight? Why do you want to exercise on the weekend?.
I’ve known 2 friends lose a substantial amount of weight and the support was there till they got to an ‘average’ size – then they were told by family etc. that they should stop there. As if ‘average’ is the best that they should aspire to and should be satisfied with it. Why?
Body Acceptance:
I firmly believe that you should accept that which you can’t change (body shape, height etc.) and IF you want to change anything else – then that’s not even an issue. If it’s within the realms of possibility (and healthy) then you should go for it. I think body acceptance is a great thing – but sometimes I get the impression that it’s against changing yourself (to better fit your aesthetics or goals- whether that’s building muscle, losing muscle, gaining or shedding weight- or dying your hair bright blue!)
I’m also referencing a British plus size blogger (in a TV interview on ‘Plus size wars’) who has decided to lose weight and get fitter because she has passed a size where she is comfortable. She is posting her progress online – and getting hate mail for supposedly under-mining the body acceptance movement and selling-out.
To summarise- I’m all for body acceptance in it’s true sense: Accepting that people have a right to make their bodies look the way they want them to, without criticism.
This got me thinking- why in my experience, are people (friends, family, colleagues) supportive of you when you are ‘average’ e.g. middle of BMI, ‘average’ dress size etc. BUT when you are aiming to change yourself to fit with your own idea of body image or fitness goals etc.- they suddenly get very negative. Why do you want to lose more weight? Why do you want to exercise on the weekend?.
I’ve known 2 friends lose a substantial amount of weight and the support was there till they got to an ‘average’ size – then they were told by family etc. that they should stop there. As if ‘average’ is the best that they should aspire to and should be satisfied with it. Why?
Body Acceptance:
I firmly believe that you should accept that which you can’t change (body shape, height etc.) and IF you want to change anything else – then that’s not even an issue. If it’s within the realms of possibility (and healthy) then you should go for it. I think body acceptance is a great thing – but sometimes I get the impression that it’s against changing yourself (to better fit your aesthetics or goals- whether that’s building muscle, losing muscle, gaining or shedding weight- or dying your hair bright blue!)
I’m also referencing a British plus size blogger (in a TV interview on ‘Plus size wars’) who has decided to lose weight and get fitter because she has passed a size where she is comfortable. She is posting her progress online – and getting hate mail for supposedly under-mining the body acceptance movement and selling-out.
To summarise- I’m all for body acceptance in it’s true sense: Accepting that people have a right to make their bodies look the way they want them to, without criticism.
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Maybe it's envy, maybe it's fear of the changes needed to improve themselves, or maybe they think that if you decide to make a change, it means you didn't really accept your body the way it is and the thought process stops there. For me, I accepted the fact that I'm fat, and have made the decision to do something about it. I accepted that I'm flabby and decided to change that. My fat friends are not supportive, and my couch potato friends are not supportive.0
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I love this post because it's so true. People become harsh if you choose not to eat that piece of cake like everyone else. They get mad. It's like why be mad that I'm not eating something I don't want to eat? Do you get to eat it? Yes? Okay then, what's the problem? The truth is that when you persevere and don't want to settle for "average" people see it as a threat. They don't want to be reminded that they aren't doing what they should be doing in order to be fit. They feel guilty about it but they don't want to take the steps to change it, so they lash out at those who have the discipline to do so instead.
We're "anorexic", "bulimic", "too strict", "addicted to exercise", etc. Really? I'm anorexic? I didn't know eating 1600-2000 calories per day made one anorexic. Bulimic? I wonder how I fuel my weight sessions and my runs without food sitting in my stomach. People get shocked by change like that because they're used to seeing unhealthy people around them. Being overweight is the new norm, especially in America where I'm from. People can be "addicted" to food, television, or computers and that's a-OK! God forbid someone wants to exercise a bit every day and they have a "problem". It's utter nonsense.0 -
Great thread - thanks for posting. This is so relevant to me right now!
About a month ago, I hit the 'healthy' weight range for my height but I am still at the higher end of the scale. I have plans to lose around 8-10lbs until I enter maintenance, putting me comfortably in the middle of the BMI scale. Once I get there, I'll go by how I feel and adjust my goal accordingly. Sounds fair, right?
Well my plans to continue losing weight have been utterly torn apart by my colleagues. I've been told "You'll look gaunt!" or "Skinny isn't attractive". Rude but I let it go. I was surprised however, when my own mum started telling me to 'just stop now, this is getting out of hand'. I was absolutely shocked! Nothing about the situation is 'getting out of hand' - I am perfectly healthy but I could be even HEALTHIER. Like hell do I want to be skinny - but I certainly want to be the best I can be. For me, that's slightly lighter and slightly stronger! My mum saw me weighing vegetables the other day and thought it way, way over the top. I tried explaining that I am tightening my logging in order to get to my goal but she insists I need to speak to my doctor because I must be 'ill'. It's just one of those things we have to expect during the weight loss process, Unfortunately.
My mum has recently started Weight Watchers so I'm sure she'll get the same after a while..!0 -
People around us get concerned about any kind of change I noticed. They like things the same.0
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ding ding dingI love this post because it's so true. People become harsh if you choose not to eat that piece of cake like everyone else. They get mad. It's like why be mad that I'm not eating something I don't want to eat? Do you get to eat it? Yes? Okay then, what's the problem? The truth is that when you persevere and don't want to settle for "average" people see it as a threat. They don't want to be reminded that they aren't doing what they should be doing in order to be fit. They feel guilty about it but they don't want to take the steps to change it, so they lash out at those who have the discipline to do so instead.
We're "anorexic", "bulimic", "too strict", "addicted to exercise", etc. Really? I'm anorexic? I didn't know eating 1600-2000 calories per day made one anorexic. Bulimic? I wonder how I fuel my weight sessions and my runs without food sitting in my stomach. People get shocked by change like that because they're used to seeing unhealthy people around them. Being overweight is the new norm, especially in America where I'm from. People can be "addicted" to food, television, or computers and that's a-OK! God forbid someone wants to exercise a bit every day and they have a "problem". It's utter nonsense.
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They might genuinely think people are too skinny and mean no harm by it.
39% of the world is overweight. The BMI is also way too generous, and 30% of people with a normal one are obese by body fat percentage.
That means the majority of people in the world is fat and has no idea what a healthy human is supposed to look like - thus thin people might start looking dangerously skinny by comparison.
Some people also just don't find the fit type attractive and if they have a sense of entitlement, they will get offended by someone changing their body type to something they don't like.
For plenty of fat people, especially the fat acceptance type, the reason is that they don't want to change, so everyone should change for them. If everyone is fat, then they look more attractive. If everyone is fat, including the doctor, then no more diet suggestions by the meanie doctor.0 -
People should love themselves. Absolutely and 100%.
But, part of loving yourself is doing what is best for you.
Everyone should be striving to be the best "you" that you can be. It might not be the same as someone else, but comparison is the thief of joy. I have a friend who is a national competitor (on the US team) for triathlons. I will never compete at that level and its simply not a goal of mine. But that doesn't mean that I shouldn't be doing the 10k training plan that I'm currently working through.
I want to be the best me that I can be. I want to keep setting new goals and hitting them. I don't want a life of stagnation or moving backward. This is true of my health, fitness, career goals, family/home life goals. I'm a lifetime learner and a lifetime achiever. That's living. I spent enough time not doing it.0 -
I think different people have different reasons. Some say it because they think it's the nice thing to say. Some say it because they're fat and don't want you proving that they don't have to be fat. Some are goofballs who want to be psychiatrists and see any weight loss as anorexia.
Whatever their reason, don't worry about it. Their problem is theirs. Don't make it yours.0 -
Whitezombiegirl wrote: »I’ve known 2 friends lose a substantial amount of weight and the support was there till they got to an ‘average’ size – then they were told by family etc. that they should stop there. As if ‘average’ is the best that they should aspire to and should be satisfied with it. Why?
I haven't really experienced this (probably because in my circle/social groups there are still lots of people thinner than average or because I really don't talk about weight loss unless someone brings it up). I did get a pilates instructor telling me I didn't need to lose more and asking me about my goals (she definitely was not jealous) and my doctor said I didn't need to lose any but she was unconcerned when I said I planned to (although she did ask my goal weight).
My impression is that it's a couple of things:
(1) lots of people who are perfectly thin beat themselves up and think they are fat, and if you remember doing this you might want to reassure others that they look fine and might be suspicious that they are unable to accept that. My sister has always been convinced she's fat if she gets over 115, and I tell her she's not because she's not (and I recall being 120 and thinking I was fat when I was not -- I would have looked better if I'd strength trained, though).
(2) some people do go overboard and lose too much and people may have had experience with doing that themselves or seeing others do it or just get worried if someone seems really obsessive about it. I think it's usually genuine concern, even if often misplaced.
Also, it's probably common to have a distorted idea of what's average and what's really thin given the heavier population. I know sometimes I see someone and think "gosh, she's tiny" and then wonder if I would think she was worryingly so in another era, likely not. (I don't say anything, though.)
I wonder if this is part of why my own ideal is to be more muscular (if possible) rather than simply thin. I don't think so, but could be.To summarise- I’m all for body acceptance in it’s true sense: Accepting that people have a right to make their bodies look the way they want them to, without criticism.
Yeah, agreed.0 -
I haven't experienced any negativity about losing weight or getting in shape. The majority of my family members are overweight and out of shape, as are the majority of my coworkers. I don't really hang out with friends so I'll skip talking about them. Anyway, none of them have said or done anything to give me the idea that they disapprove of what I'm doing. They range from completely silent to complimentary when they see the changes I've made. However, I also make it a point not to start any conversations about it. Have various people asked how I've lost weight or what exercise I'm doing? Yes, and I answer their questions, but only fairly superficially with the majority of people. I tend to be fairly close mouthed on a normal basis (in real life, on here I'm a blabbermouth) which I think deters people from making negative comments. If I were somebody who discussed my business with anybody and everybody, my feedback might be different.0
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I have not experienced people telling me to stop when I got to an "average" size, but I have had people tell me to stop when they thought I was too thin, but only from people who are overweight. I have never had any of my healthy weight friends say anything less than complimentary.0
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Whitezombiegirl wrote: »As if ‘average’ is the best that they should aspire to and should be satisfied with it. Why?
I don't understand this, either. If someone has the drive and discipline to be the best version of themselves (physically) they can possibly be, more power to them.0 -
I have not experienced people telling me to stop when I got to an "average" size, but I have had people tell me to stop when they thought I was too thin, but only from people who are overweight. I have never had any of my healthy weight friends say anything less than complimentary.
Yes!
I'm so glad you pointed this out - I wasn't sure how to mention this! The majority of my "You need to stop" and "You are going to look GAUNT unless you stop NOW" comments have all come from overweight people. I tend to brush these comments off. I'd hate to outwardly say it's 'jealousy' but I do think there is a bitterness behind these remarks. The majority of overweight people I know tend to disagree with weight loss on the whole..
My healthy friends are very complimentary on my hard work and continue to encourage me to keep up the great work!0 -
I just tell people I didn't do all this hard work to stop at chubby. I wouldn't have bothered to start at all if I didn't think I could be fit. Not flawless, that's impossible (well maybe with a world class plastic surgeon, but who has that kind of cash to throw around?), but fit. Lean in a healthy way. They don't like it, too bad.0
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I used to be naturally underweight (severely) so I think when people who've known me for a long time comment on my exercise program they are thinking back to that time and worrying that I want to get back to that. The funny thing is, I have absolutely NO intention of even trying to get that thin because I hated my body when it was like that! People commented on it all the time too so that didn't help. Right now I'm just trying to get fit and gain muscle....it's the first time in my life I've actually had people compliment the way my body looks. Most people have been positive about it, I have a few family members who think I'm obsessed but then they're all obese so I think their perception of it is a bit warped. They think I'm starving myself when what I'm actually doing is eating proper portion sizes.0
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Whitezombiegirl wrote: »I’ve known 2 friends lose a substantial amount of weight and the support was there till they got to an ‘average’ size – then they were told by family etc. that they should stop there. As if ‘average’ is the best that they should aspire to and should be satisfied with it. Why?
I think that most people are not jealous or anything of that nature (although a minority may be motivated by that.)
I feel that it is usually based on concern driven by unconscious and primitive fears: specifically the fear of disease or threat to survival.
Just as some people have a visceral reaction to obese people because they subconsciously fear they may be carrying disease the flip side is also true. People who stray from outside the norm into unusual thinness get a similar reaction.
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Awesome topic!!!
I love that people are driven to become the best versions of themselves that they can be, but also recognize that they may currently be pretty awesome.
Its when people are driven to be something based on an arbitrary number or standard that it gets to be a problem.
It is unfortunate that often times others around them try to hold people back instead of encourage them.0 -
Yep. And you might be surprised how time and being leaner helps with that loose skin. I'm at this annoying in between belly jiggle stage right now, but I know from past experience it gets much better in another 10-15 pounds.
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I_Will_End_You wrote: »Whitezombiegirl wrote: »As if ‘average’ is the best that they should aspire to and should be satisfied with it. Why?
I don't understand this, either. If someone has the drive and discipline to be the best version of themselves (physically) they can possibly be, more power to them.
Yes, but, if YOU can do it, then others have to confront the fact that THEY could do it too, if they had the same drive and discipline. To be frank, the one who succeeds is making all the others look bad to themselves. Few people have the self-confidence to bear that with good grace.0 -
I_Will_End_You wrote: »Whitezombiegirl wrote: »As if ‘average’ is the best that they should aspire to and should be satisfied with it. Why?
I don't understand this, either. If someone has the drive and discipline to be the best version of themselves (physically) they can possibly be, more power to them.
Do you ever hear "you have a bachelor's degree, why do you want to get your master's or PhD??" Do you ever hear "you have a good job, why are you looking for a better one?" Many people can understand wanting to better oneself economically or financially, but not so much on the health and fitness front.
Perhaps seeing others strive to better themselves makes one uncomfortable with their own complacency0 -
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I guess I'm a little different in that, I don't care what anyone else thinks. The ONLY opinion I ever concern myself with is my wife's. Other than that what I do with my body, be it losing more fat or gaining more muscle, is none of any one elses business. Having said that if someone has an opinion such as "why are you still losing weight?" I am not rude and normally will say I have been the same weight for the last year or something along those lines just to be nice and change the subject, though sometimes I would like to tell folks to worry about their own body.
Most of the people that talk about body acceptance don't have what it takes to change themselves so it's just easier to accept it and expect others to do the same.0 -
Yes, people say those things.Calliope610 wrote: »I_Will_End_You wrote: »Whitezombiegirl wrote: »As if ‘average’ is the best that they should aspire to and should be satisfied with it. Why?
I don't understand this, either. If someone has the drive and discipline to be the best version of themselves (physically) they can possibly be, more power to them.
Do you ever hear "you have a bachelor's degree, why do you want to get your master's or PhD??" Do you ever hear "you have a good job, why are you looking for a better one?" Many people can understand wanting to better oneself economically or financially, but not so much on the health and fitness front.
Perhaps seeing others strive to better themselves makes one uncomfortable with their own complacency
Anytime you receive or achieve (or even attempt) something others will not or cannot do or have, some will slam it. It's an old tale. Aesop wrote about it: Sour grapes.
I learned this in high school. Anyone who did well in school or even athletics would've learned this before reaching adulthood.
You never really know you're succeeding until someone slams you. Take it as a compliment. It's when people try to knock you down that you can be sure you've risen.
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Two examples come to my mind. I know two people. Both are thin and have very normal BMIs - not overweight. No, not skewed by my fat person's perception. I know what they weigh and how tall they are. I'm very close to both of them.
No. 1 is someone who dislikes their body and has self-esteem issues. She's absolutely beautiful, but she wants to look like she did as a teenager - when her BMI was in the underweight category. She loses the same 10-20 pounds over and over again and has done so for years. She goes hungry a lot because she doesn't exercise and her calories come from foods that are not filling. I do not tell her she should just eat a piece of cake, but yeah, I think she is being ridiculous and unkind to herself.
No. 2 is someone with a healthy body image who watches her intake in order to maintain her weight. She is a runner. She runs miles and miles every week and does marathons constantly. She does not go hungry, but she most definitely moderates what is on her plate on a typical day. After a marathon, she wants a beer and a big cheeseburger. I do not tell her she should just eat a piece of cake, either, but I don't think she is ridiculous at all.
Do you see the difference? Which category do you belong in?0 -
It bugs them because they feel like slobs by comparison, most of the time. Because some part of their brain feels like they *have* to compare. I tell them all "don't worry, I check everything with the doctor first." That usually shuts down the people banging on about whether I'm going overboard.0
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I think for every person who says something, there's likely a different reason.
I haven't heard anything negative, but that's likely because those close to me know I have health-related reasons for losing weight. Then again, I haven't dropped my last 28 pounds yet.
Ultimately, the only opinion that matters to me is mine. My goals are my own, and I'll achieve them for myself. What other people think of them is not my problem.0 -
Exactly!! People want others to stay the same so they can, too. When you start changing your body in a positive way, they start comparing themselves to you and want the same results. However, not everyone can/will invest in the effort, so they make themselves feel better by putting you down...It bugs them because they feel like slobs by comparison, most of the time. Because some part of their brain feels like they *have* to compare.
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Great post. I am a huge advocate for self love and acceptance and everyone around me knows it. So they have taken great pleasure in throwing it in my face that I have lost weight. Oh so you don't really love yourself. No. I do. I love myself at every weight. I was just tired of the back and knee pain and not being able to keep up with my toddlers. By their logic I had to accept all the pain I was in or else I didn't love myself..? Also, I'm 5'8" and 208 pounds and all bottom heavy. I had an aunt tell me that my chest is getting too boney (since my collar bones are now visible) and that I should stop losing weight before I "lose my womanly figure." I have a really, really long way to go. I'm still almost 50 pounds overweight. But when you're surrounded by women who are significantly sorter and the same amount, if not more, overweight..you look thin to them. And some of them are not nice about it. I have no intention of stopping just because of their negative comments. At this point it's just like you really should have learned by now that you're wasting your breath! 0
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