When other people comment on your "loss"

Machka9

One of the things I do find a little bit .... challenging, I suppose .... is when the comments sort of presume that this is the first time in my life I've lost weight.

I had one, all excited, say something like "I suppose now you'll have to buy a whole new wardrobe ... it will be a bit strange for you fitting into smaller sizes." "No," I replied "I'm just bringing my old clothes out of storage now." {puzzled look} ... and then I clarified, "I used to be this size. Most of my life I was this size." And they seem to have a bit of trouble getting their heads around that.

It's just that no one here has seen me at this size. I was heavy when I moved to Tasmania and heavy when I started the job. To me, I'm just back to normal ... to them, I'm a whole new me!

flrancho

I actually like it. It encourages me and lets me see that other people are noticing a difference for the good.

I'm actually kind of upset that more people haven't said anything. I've only had one co-worker (an older gentleman) say anything about me loosing weight and looking better. Other than that its all been family or very close friends that never said anything about my weight loss until I posted something on Facebook with before and after pics and how much I'd lost. Makes me kind of wonder if they'd even noticed at all before I said anything.

Qskim

nyponbell wrote: »

mrsbaldee wrote: »

I've always had difficulties with compliments...similar to you but being aware of it this time helped me strategise better. Different scenario though ..as in I am a stay at home mum and I used this to my advantage...basically hibernated until it became essential I was out and about again (youngest started school). Then the comments flowed in because it had been a good six months of low visibility but I had traction by then. Whether the comments were positive or negative wouldn't have stopped what I wanted for myself.

The thing is too, I realised, is a lot of people are like us on that we don't know how to cope with that attention. So I decided to role model the coping. Graciously accept the comments and be an example of owning and acknowledging the work. Doing it in such a way that it actually shortened the curiousity too. And I also realised too that people use my loss as a way of initiating a conversation about their struggles. I've actually been surprised by how many people, who I thought were really comfortable/confident with who they are suddenly complaining left right and centre! I learnt from that as well... that no matter where you end up you always are unhappy with something. So I'm just there to listen in the end and I've learnt that I'm not the one who's going to solve it for them but at least I'm an example that it's possible.

When people comment to me now (it's more along the lines of "you still look good") - it makes me invest more in staying this way because I want people to see that's possible too. In the past any attention would unsettle me. I do think too though that the more certain you are of where you are headed and how thoroughly you have planned for it in a sustainable manner, the more likely you are to not care about what anyone else thinks. The day I started, I was already at the "end" in my head and nothing could derail that or was unsolvable obstacle.

The fact is weight loss is highly prized. It's in the media constantly on many levels. So it's not surprising that people are fascinated by someone who has done what they believe impossible for themselves.

Well put. I've sometimes thought about what it would be like to quit my job (it's temporary anyway, so it's not as big of a deal as some people might think) and just focus on myself and working out. Although you obviously couldn't do that, being a mom, it is still time that you can, as you put it, hibernate and just take care of yourself.

I think I will be more comfortable with comments or questions about my weight loss when I actually feel like I have accomplished something, and I no longer feel like I'm just one binge day away from my original starting weight.

Yeh I get that - the need for traction. Just trust the process, keep thinking along the lines of moderation and you'll be sweet.

BTW...I help run a business from home and I have 5 kids (4 at home). The house is a mess, my hair needs washing, bills need paying but the workouts for the week are done lol. Chaos reigns supreme.

nyponbell

mrsbaldee wrote: »

nyponbell wrote: »

mrsbaldee wrote: »

I've always had difficulties with compliments...similar to you but being aware of it this time helped me strategise better. Different scenario though ..as in I am a stay at home mum and I used this to my advantage...basically hibernated until it became essential I was out and about again (youngest started school). Then the comments flowed in because it had been a good six months of low visibility but I had traction by then. Whether the comments were positive or negative wouldn't have stopped what I wanted for myself.

The thing is too, I realised, is a lot of people are like us on that we don't know how to cope with that attention. So I decided to role model the coping. Graciously accept the comments and be an example of owning and acknowledging the work. Doing it in such a way that it actually shortened the curiousity too. And I also realised too that people use my loss as a way of initiating a conversation about their struggles. I've actually been surprised by how many people, who I thought were really comfortable/confident with who they are suddenly complaining left right and centre! I learnt from that as well... that no matter where you end up you always are unhappy with something. So I'm just there to listen in the end and I've learnt that I'm not the one who's going to solve it for them but at least I'm an example that it's possible.

When people comment to me now (it's more along the lines of "you still look good") - it makes me invest more in staying this way because I want people to see that's possible too. In the past any attention would unsettle me. I do think too though that the more certain you are of where you are headed and how thoroughly you have planned for it in a sustainable manner, the more likely you are to not care about what anyone else thinks. The day I started, I was already at the "end" in my head and nothing could derail that or was unsolvable obstacle.

The fact is weight loss is highly prized. It's in the media constantly on many levels. So it's not surprising that people are fascinated by someone who has done what they believe impossible for themselves.

Well put. I've sometimes thought about what it would be like to quit my job (it's temporary anyway, so it's not as big of a deal as some people might think) and just focus on myself and working out. Although you obviously couldn't do that, being a mom, it is still time that you can, as you put it, hibernate and just take care of yourself.

I think I will be more comfortable with comments or questions about my weight loss when I actually feel like I have accomplished something, and I no longer feel like I'm just one binge day away from my original starting weight.

Yeh I get that - the need for traction. Just trust the process, keep thinking along the lines of moderation and you'll be sweet.

BTW...I help run a business from home and I have 5 kids (4 at home). The house is a mess, my hair needs washing, bills need paying but the workouts for the week are done lol. Chaos reigns supreme.

Love it!

nyponbell

Machka9 wrote: »

One of the things I do find a little bit .... challenging, I suppose .... is when the comments sort of presume that this is the first time in my life I've lost weight.

I had one, all excited, say something like "I suppose now you'll have to buy a whole new wardrobe ... it will be a bit strange for you fitting into smaller sizes." "No," I replied "I'm just bringing my old clothes out of storage now." {puzzled look} ... and then I clarified, "I used to be this size. Most of my life I was this size." And they seem to have a bit of trouble getting their heads around that.

It's just that no one here has seen me at this size. I was heavy when I moved to Tasmania and heavy when I started the job. To me, I'm just back to normal ... to them, I'm a whole new me!

That's quite interesting. Though I would wonder at the person saying such a thing - unless they are someone you know fairly well, it seems kind of weird (to me) to bring something like that up in conversation. Not just that 'oh you have to buy a new wardrobe!' but adding in the part it now must be weird for you, getting used to the "new you".

nyponbell

flrancho wrote: »

I actually like it. It encourages me and lets me see that other people are noticing a difference for the good.

I'm actually kind of upset that more people haven't said anything. I've only had one co-worker (an older gentleman) say anything about me loosing weight and looking better. Other than that its all been family or very close friends that never said anything about my weight loss until I posted something on Facebook with before and after pics and how much I'd lost. Makes me kind of wonder if they'd even noticed at all before I said anything.

I just saw your profile and you've lost a lot! Maybe they are thinking that you wouldn't welcome the comments, or it's not their place. I'm sure they have noticed though.

I hope you now get the positive comments you want! You've done a great job so far!

kimmydear

So far I have only had two comments, both from female family members, and I appreciated them very much. Reading all these thoughts though, I will think twice about complimenting anyone else in the future. My niece's comment started with, "Don't take this the wrong way, but you are looking much better." I didn't take it the wrong way. I knew I was overweight and I appreciated her having the guts to encourage me like that.

nyponbell

kimmydear wrote: »

So far I have only had two comments, both from female family members, and I appreciated them very much. Reading all these thoughts though, I will think twice about complimenting anyone else in the future. My niece's comment started with, "Don't take this the wrong way, but you are looking much better." I didn't take it the wrong way. I knew I was overweight and I appreciated her having the guts to encourage me like that.

I think it depends a lot about who says it. What made me think about this in the first place was the fact that the person who said something is pretty much a stranger, and we've never talked about much of anything with each other - much less our bodies or training in general.

If my family members mentioned something I might take it better, but they also know not to say anything until I'm ready to hear it! My younger sister focuses more on saying I'm doing a great job if I mention that I've been at the gym, rather than how that gym going is affecting my body.

kar328

Great responses.

As for me, compliments usually make me uncomfortable, so I've been working on just saying "thanks" and changing the subject. And that's usually in anything, not just weight loss. I don't like being the center of attention.

I've been doing this for a while and am currently down 102 lbs, with about 22 more to go. I didn't tell anyone what I was doing, I did WW in my 20s, lost 51 lbs, then gained it all back and have been obese for many years. Coworkers started noticing the loss around 40 lbs. I'm a nurse and my coworkers make me feel like I'm back in Junior High, it's that type of environment. Given what I've read on these forums, they're not as bad as some places. I'd only consider 2-3 friends, the rest I just have to endure. But most of the time, the compliments are sincere and appreciated. There have been the "you should stop or you'll look sickly (I was still morbidly obese at the time) or people trying to be too nice and complimenting me at the start of the shift, then 12 hours later when they come back. ?? okay. I do try to keep it to a 'thanks" and move on. I think it's because I'm not overly fond of them, so while I'd prefer not to hear any feedback, I get that I'm at the point where people feel the need to talk about it and some overstep the line. I will say how much I've lost because I'm proud of that (although at the 100 lb mark, I started thinking that was terrible to have to admit to losing so much, but then I got my mind back into the mindset of being proud of myself), but I don't tell anyone where I was when I started, what I weigh now, or how much more to go. Only here and with my trainer and dietician.

On a lighter note, the compliments that have way more meaning are from people I barely know, like at the gym, or even people in stores, who've seen the change and say something. Twice I've been outside walking and women have stopped their cars to say they've seen me doing this for a while and how good I look. To me that means a lot.

I also chuckle when I see a male I haven't seen in a while, see his mouth start to open, see his brain tell himself "never mention a woman's weight!" and then snap shut. Self preservation

People are interesting, to say the least.

NH_Norma

Totally me. I do okay then I get to a certain point and everyone notices and comments and I get uncomfortable and start eating my anxiety and undo it all eventually. Lather, rinse and repeat. Hoping I'll be more prepared this time around. One bonus of aging is you care less and less what other people think, lol

nyponbell

@kar328 I think the work place is a difficult place because you spend so much time there (and I eat most of my meals there too) so you feel much more scrutinised and exposed. Especially if you're around people you don't particularly like or are friendly with.

I am hesitant to admit to how much I need to lose (and I will probably not want to admit to how much I have lost when I reach my goal weight) because even though I know that I'm fat and I know that other people can and do see it, I also don't want them to know *how* fat. Which is ridiculous when you think about it, since the fatness they saw for ages probably made more of a mark on their mind than knowing the number on my scale. But, I guess I have this idea of them "not remembering" by seeing me shrink down (forgetting the part where we take class photos....).

There was another thread just now about who you have told you're trying to lose weight, and I think that's a bit in line with this for me; if I haven't told you that I'm losing weight, then don't ask me about it. I will lie (and I do) when you ask. I will pretend I don't know what you're talking about, I will make up excuses as to why I'm going to the gym (not technically an excuse that I do rehabilitation, but not the full story of what I do at the gym) and I will lie about why I eat food that I bring with me (though also technically not a complete lie as I have a germ phobia and dislike the food).


@NH_Norma I get what you mean; it's like that self sabotage alarm goes off and you don't know what to do except eat. Or, it's self sabotage with the thinking "well, I've worked hard since people are noticing, so I deserve the time off/that extra piece of whatever". Regardless, it too makes me uncomfortable. I think it's because I fear failure so much that when people know I'm trying at it, if I do fail they will know that as well and I will have to feel ashamed/embarrassed/like I truly failed.

I think that's why some people suggest an accountability partner, or telling people you're losing weight; the fear of the shame of admitting that you've failed would keep people "on the right path". Except when it doesn't work like that.

brittyn3

I think it's all personal preference. People mean well in general. I think it's encouraging when I say it to my friends that are trying to, but I wouldn't say it to someone I don't know very well.

But on the other end of that... I had a person say to me "you're doing a really good job at keeping the weight off" or "hey, you look like you've lost a lot of weight", in a whisper "are you doing it healthily though?".... in my opinion that's none of their business and in that regard, what gives them the right to comment on my appearance. People mean well, just gotta remember that, as hard as that is a lot of times.

And yes, of course, I lost weight healthy! Eating well and working out... not rocket science.