Ignorance of Nutrition
shelsi16
Posts: 5 Member
Right now, I am livid. I am an overweight woman. I just had my second child two months ago, and have lost all the baby weight, but that only means that I started at 201 pounds, and I am back at that now. My boyfriend assumes that because I am overweight I must know nothing about nutrition, which we all know, is the exact opposite. Most of us with a weight problem have studied nutrition to the point where we could have a degree in it. He is constantly criticizing how much I eat, and I only eat 1300 calories a day. He doesn't know anything about eating smaller meals more often to keep your metabolism up. It just frustrates me, that he wants to talk about me overeating when I have a perfect diet designed for myself to lose weight efficiently. My weight loss results mean nothing to him, and I'm only met with more criticism. All it does is break my spirit. I don't WANT to stay diligent on my diet when he thinks it's not good enough. He himself only eats once a day, and because he's skinny (albeit, underweight) and muscular, he thinks he's doing it the right way, when it has more to do with his male metabolism, the hard physical labor he does for work, and the fact that he's basically starved himself his entire adult life because he "forgets to eat." So right now, he's pissed, I'm pissed, and he's left for work angry, which upsets me even more, because he has no right to be angry about it. Really, I just wrote this to vent. Has anyone else encountered this problem with friends and family? It just makes me want to shut down and do nothing.
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Replies
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It might be time for counselling.
The 6 meals a day isn't really a thing that matters for nutrition unless you're diabetic (or similar). But eating once a day isn't any better. And being underweight is more dangerous for health than being overweight. At least that's what I've heard.
I'd suggest to just keep doing what you're doing and find someone supportive of you here. You can try just not to talk about it at home if it's that much of an issue. If he won't give it up, then there's something else wrong.
Definitely something to work on as a couple - for the sake of your children.0 -
you should have a discussion with him to LEAVE YOU ALONE to your weightloss. how can this be a healthy relationship if he has such a view of you? why does he monitor what you eat? its extremly strange and rather controlling .. btw if you're 201 1300 is extremely low and if you're breastfeeding its even worse -
you can always come here for encouragement and motivation0 -
This is a boundaries problem, and he's crossed yours. Where did he get the idea that it was all right to critique your diet and your size?
I believe his behavior is severe enough to give him an ultimatum. Send him to his corner to think about it.
You can phrase your concerns in a way that expresses your feelings, such as "When you say X, I feel Y". Stay away from phrases like, "You always...." If you can have a frank conversation about this the most optimistic outcome is if he is doing this out of fear for your health. If, so, talk about ways he can be supportive. Like shopping from your healthy foods list.0 -
Thank you all, I appreciate your input. I eat the five times a day because I will break my diet if I don't. I get insanely hungry, and my diets don't last without it. As far as the 1300 calories, it's just a generalization. I balance it with my activity and have calculated my bmr so that I can maintain things at a healthy balance while I lose weight. I am not breast feeding. I like that he comments on my weight to a degree, an encouraging "just a few more pounds!" Goes a long way. But when I'm losing weight, and he says he is concerned about how much I eat, it irritates me. It's not fair for him to criticize what he knows nothing about.0
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Sorry to hear this. No, he's not handling it very well at all. As usual, good advice from @jgnatca. Also, is he this stubborn about all topics or just this one? Being so closed-minded and "my way is the only way" absolutely drives me insane, so I feel for you. Sounds like he doesn't know anything about nutrition and body weight. If he gets a sedentary job and put on a few pounds maybe he'd see the light.
Until then do NOT let him or anyone else make you feel like giving up! There will always be doubters and naysayers. You only get one body. Treat it will. It will be with you even if no one else is.0 -
Right now, I am livid. I am an overweight woman. I just had my second child two months ago, and have lost all the baby weight, but that only means that I started at 201 pounds, and I am back at that now. My boyfriend assumes that because I am overweight I must know nothing about nutrition, which we all know, is the exact opposite. Most of us with a weight problem have studied nutrition to the point where we could have a degree in it. He is constantly criticizing how much I eat, and I only eat 1300 calories a day. He doesn't know anything about eating smaller meals more often to keep your metabolism up. It just frustrates me, that he wants to talk about me overeating when I have a perfect diet designed for myself to lose weight efficiently. My weight loss results mean nothing to him, and I'm only met with more criticism. All it does is break my spirit. I don't WANT to stay diligent on my diet when he thinks it's not good enough. He himself only eats once a day, and because he's skinny (albeit, underweight) and muscular, he thinks he's doing it the right way, when it has more to do with his male metabolism, the hard physical labor he does for work, and the fact that he's basically starved himself his entire adult life because he "forgets to eat." So right now, he's pissed, I'm pissed, and he's left for work angry, which upsets me even more, because he has no right to be angry about it. Really, I just wrote this to vent. Has anyone else encountered this problem with friends and family? It just makes me want to shut down and do nothing.
1) One thing where you are both wrong is that meals and timing does not matter. One meal per day or twenty little snacks, it is the same. Metabolism does not get slowed or accelerated. So, if this is what you are arguing about, you are both wrong.
2) If he is at a healthy weight and you are not, he is better at eating the right amounts of calories than you, he is correct there. This says nothing about nutrition, your choices might be much more balanced and healthier, but he is better at estimating calories, either intuitevely or with the help of whatever method he uses.
3) You are never going to lose weight if others affect you. If being upset, or him criticising you or someone else tellign you you are doing it wrong makes you quit, then this is not going to work. You have to want it for yourself, not him. Make it clear to him that this is none of his business. You are doing it for yourself, he is not your parent to monitor how you are going about it.
4) And most important: You just had a baby, this brings stress to everyone. Most new parents are stressed and upset, even if they are as happy as it gets about the baby. It is about changes, having to adapt to a new addition in the family, and being physically tired. This does not mean that being mean to each other ( or in your case, him being mean to you) is fine. If he is in general treating you in a way that makes you feel bad about yourself, I would suggest you start talking to a therapist, so you can better evaluate the whole relationship. If he is only now acting this way, after the baby, then I would personally attribute to stress and have a talk about how to learn to argue and even fight in a way that no one gets hurt. Maybe couples counselling?0 -
Tell him to shove his ideas up his ***!! I have had 3 kids and was overweight before and after having them. I guess I heard some of the same stuff, but it was put in a nicer way, but still did not help me. FOR me my turning point was exercise, not calorie counting, and I took baby steps in doing it. I had to want it for myself, I had to care enough about me to actually put dates on the calendar and stick to them. When your a mom as and have alot of needy people in your life, its really hard to puy yourself first! That was my turning point! I have lost 92lbs in two yrs, by realizing I NEED AND DESERVE IT!! I felt guilty at fitst, but... now I think of it as " would I NOT take my child to a Dr.s appt" if he needed to go? Make time for yourself to exercise, its the only thing that has worked for me, but thats just me, He just needs to KEEP his mouth shut, its not helping you! GOOD LUCK AND IF I CAN DO IT SANYONE CAN HONESTLY! It is hard work and takes time to notice the weight coming off, but hang in there.
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Thank you all, I appreciate your input. I eat the five times a day because I will break my diet if I don't. I get insanely hungry, and my diets don't last without it. As far as the 1300 calories, it's just a generalization. I balance it with my activity and have calculated my bmr so that I can maintain things at a healthy balance while I lose weight. I am not breast feeding. I like that he comments on my weight to a degree, an encouraging "just a few more pounds!" Goes a long way. But when I'm losing weight, and he says he is concerned about how much I eat, it irritates me. It's not fair for him to criticize what he knows nothing about.
Honestly, these are things to be saying to him although I certainly get the need to vent. However, if you can't have these types of discussions with him your relationship is heading down a very bad road in addition to the fact that he appears to be more than a little controlling. Is your weight the only thing he's trying to control or is that type of behavior normal for other aspects of your life? He definitely needs to take a step back because he's crossed a boundary he has no right to cross. He needs to respect that you're doing what you need to do and you're doing it the right way. Losing weight quickly is not good for your body for many reasons.0 -
While I understand the desire to vent, and doing so to online strangers has some appeal in that it is unlikely that it will get back to him... I'm concerned that you have a 2 month old baby and this is what you and your partner are fighting about? Your approach to weight loss? Shouldn't you guys be cooing over the baby's latest milestone achievement - should be holding his/her head up by now, laughing intentionally, etc. This is a fun, albeit stressful time. Don't make it worse by fighting over something as silly as how you're choosing to lose the weight...
PS - meal timing has nothing to do with weight loss. If you want to eat 6 small meals and he wants to eat 1 large one, both are fine, although may be a little difficult to coordinate.
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He has no right to be criticising what you eat. Is he a certified nutritionist/dietician? If you need or want that advice, you'll pay for a professional to advise you.
Your boyfriend is not being supportive, he's being cruel and controlling. You just brought a new life into this world. Your body needs to be nurtured for roughly 12 weeks (sometimes more) after a baby. That is a severe trauma for your body. If he has given birth in his lifetime, I'm sure he understands how exhausted you must be, sleep deprived and frazzled. You need more than 1300 calories, and he needs a muzzle. Exercise your weight off, keep your calories at maintenance and aim to burn 500 calories per day through exercise to lose 1 lb per week.
I kept my calories at 1850 after I had my son, no exercise for 6 months (really rough recovery from c-section). I lost 1.5 - 2 lbs a week. My maintenence level is 2100, so I could have eaten that and exercised 500 cals away each day. I was nursing also, which burns roughly 500 cals away per day.
Good luck on your journey; don't allow anyone to treat you as less than. You are valuable and priceless, and deserve to be treated as precious.0 -
Sit and talk with him once you've both had time to cool off. Don't be accusatory, do your best to speak in a calm manner and let him know that his comments on your diet are making you feel discouraged and unhappy. You've lost weight using the method you're using now, right? Then what you're doing is fine. He may be angry because he's concerned about your health and thinks what you're doing is going hurt you. If that's the case, go see the doctor about it. The doctor will probably say you're fine, you'll be able to tell him you're doing what the doctor says and he'll feel better that you've acknowledged what he said and are taking steps to make sure you're healthy.
As for how many times a day you eat, it honestly doesn't matter. If you have certain medical conditions or have to eat at certain times to take meds, that's one thing, but how many times a day you eat has no bearing on weight loss unless you're consistently going over your calorie goal. He's fine with once a day, his body accepts that and that works for him. You've found that it's easier to control your hunger and intake with eating several times a day and that's fine too. (That's another thing, he may not realize that even with the multiple meals that you're still staying where you need to be calorie-wise. If that's the case, show him your diary and explain that the multiple meals helps you to stay full over the day and not over-eat things.)
It really all comes down to communication. Venting is fine, and this is a good place to do it! But once you've both calmed down, you need to sit down and talk it out. Remain calm, and if he starts getting angry again, call a break to cool off. He doesn't have to agree with what you're doing, but he needs to understand that what you're doing is fine, you're not developing an eating disorder, and he needs to let you do your thing and he can do his. You're not going try and control how and what he eats, he needs to extend the same courtesy to you.0 -
You have a two month old baby! He has no right to make you feel like this
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Stay motivated!0
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Right now, I am livid. I am an overweight woman. I just had my second child two months ago, and have lost all the baby weight, but that only means that I started at 201 pounds, and I am back at that now. My boyfriend assumes that because I am overweight I must know nothing about nutrition, which we all know, is the exact opposite. Most of us with a weight problem have studied nutrition to the point where we could have a degree in it. He is constantly criticizing how much I eat, and I only eat 1300 calories a day. He doesn't know anything about eating smaller meals more often to keep your metabolism up. It just frustrates me, that he wants to talk about me overeating when I have a perfect diet designed for myself to lose weight efficiently. My weight loss results mean nothing to him, and I'm only met with more criticism. All it does is break my spirit. I don't WANT to stay diligent on my diet when he thinks it's not good enough. He himself only eats once a day, and because he's skinny (albeit, underweight) and muscular, he thinks he's doing it the right way, when it has more to do with his male metabolism, the hard physical labor he does for work, and the fact that he's basically starved himself his entire adult life because he "forgets to eat." So right now, he's pissed, I'm pissed, and he's left for work angry, which upsets me even more, because he has no right to be angry about it. Really, I just wrote this to vent. Has anyone else encountered this problem with friends and family? It just makes me want to shut down and do nothing.
1) One thing where you are both wrong is that meals and timing does not matter. One meal per day or twenty little snacks, it is the same. Metabolism does not get slowed or accelerated. So, if this is what you are arguing about, you are both wrong.
2) If he is at a healthy weight and you are not, he is better at eating the right amounts of calories than you, he is correct there. This says nothing about nutrition, your choices might be much more balanced and healthier, but he is better at estimating calories, either intuitively or with the help of whatever method he uses.
3) You are never going to lose weight if others affect you. If being upset, or him criticizing you or someone else telling you you are doing it wrong makes you quit, then this is not going to work. You have to want it for yourself, not him. Make it clear to him that this is none of his business. You are doing it for yourself, he is not your parent to monitor how you are going about it.
I agree with this position.
I don't think either of you are well versed enough in nutrition to be telling the other what to do. This entire post kind of seems like you want other people to come in and validate you and tell you how much of a jerk he is. We don't know his side of the story or what's being said or even the exact comments he is/has made. This is a man that you love, are engaged to, and just had a child with for christ's sake. Is it really the right thing to be blasting your personal stuff online like this?
My opinion is that you are currently overweight and want to remedy that. You are tracking calories. Fine. But you have demonstrated numerous times in your post that you aren't actually familiar with how the body works and "have studied nutrition to the point where we could have a degree in it."
Stop being so defensive about this. This just means you have an opportunity to learn.
If he says something intentionally mean and hurtful you should step back and look for this intended meaning. Very likely when people make comments like this they aren't saying "YOU ARE STUPID" "YOU ARE BAD" "YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD!" but they are offering advice that they think will help you. They are intending to be supportive and help you achieve your goals. Are you sure what's been said to you is truly a personal attack on your character? Or did you just construe it to be that way?0 -
kylies1977 wrote: »You have a two month old baby! He has no right to make you feel like this
The OP chooses how she feels. No one else can make her feel any way.0 -
I feel VERY blessed that my husband is a HUGE support to me.
I hope you can get this figured out0 -
rainbowbow wrote: »kylies1977 wrote: »You have a two month old baby! He has no right to make you feel like this
The OP chooses how she feels. No one else can make her feel any way.
That's ridiculous. We only have so much control over our feelings. It is our reactions to feelings that we control, not the feelings themselves.0 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »rainbowbow wrote: »kylies1977 wrote: »You have a two month old baby! He has no right to make you feel like this
The OP chooses how she feels. No one else can make her feel any way.
That's ridiculous. We only have so much control over our feelings. It is our reactions to feelings that we control, not the feelings themselves.
Not ridiculous. It's the truth. Of course we can delude ourselves into believing we are victims of everyone else's whim and actions. Bottom line, we are responsible for our happiness and putting that responsibility on others is just setting ourselves up for failure.0 -
I think I'm bit of an oddity. My husband is bluntly honest particularly to those closest to him ("he doesn't believe in sugar coating"). So earlier this year he made some extremely unsupportive comments about how big he thought I was and that I was lying about the 10 pounds or so I had lost and I was messing with the scale to even get that result. Yeah I got pissed and reacted more than I should have and just gave him more fuel. Here's the funny part, his stupid comments actually gave me motivation in the I'll show him sort of vein.
Unfortunately that motivation has waned and I've held weight for like the last month. I kind of almost want him to say something big and stupid for another kick in the pants. There have been smaller comments since then but they pretty much slid right past. Just a delayed, "Hey wait a minute that was a comment about my weight" reaction. I need to find my real motivation again on my own rather than relying on him to make me angry enough to do something bigger.
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@aerochic42 , there are indeed partners like yours. Is he skillful at apologizing too? Or is he happy to keep his social circle small, familiar, and tight? Because I imagine he oversteps his bounds on occasion. As you have noted, the recipients of his unvarnished views have a choice of either taking him as he is or leaving.
If you need a new kick, I'd be happy to supply it with a feather. I am a fan of the gentle approach.
Clint Eastwood is famous for directing a quiet set. There's no yelling, "ACTION!"0 -
Men like that suck! I too believe no one can MAKE u feel a certain way. Its a active choice to feel any emotion. Its what you are thinking in your own head that can get you in trouble. A emotion ONLY LASTS 90 SECONDS ANY THING LONGER THEN THAT BECOMES A PERSON'S PERSONAL CHOICE TO KEEP IT GOING BY THE THOUGHTS WE THINK. Its about mindfulness.0
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...and I have a personal responsibility to avoid people who are persistently critical or ignoring my boundaries. Those closest to me are warned that I am feeling trodden on, and are given an opportunity to make it right.0
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My husband has always supported me, fat, fatter and fattest. I have not been under 200 since childhood.
But he has always had a very physical job, has always been thin and always eats whatever he wants.
Like your boyfriend, he really did not understand what it takes to loose wieght. How stressful it is, physically and emotionally. He also can't feel the hormonal roller coaster that you are riding as your body adjusts after child birth. He doesn't know that slow weight loss if much better for you than fast weight loss.
Every good relationship starts and grows with open, honest communication. Share your heart with him when you have both calmed down. Don't acuse, tell him how you feel.
Explain what you are doing and why it works for you. Tell him what he can say and do to support you and what he says and does that discourages you.
It sounds to me like you are doing a great job so far with your weight loss, but you need to remember that you are doing this for you! He will reap some benifits eventually, but your health is important because you deserve good health!
My husband and I are 52 now and we have been together since we were 18. When people ask why we still have such a great relationship, I always say, "We talk. We talk about everything that comes between us. We don't let little things build up into big things."
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...and I have a personal responsibility to avoid people who are persistently critical or ignoring my boundaries. Those closest to me are warned that I am feeling trodden on, and are given an opportunity to make it right.
Darn right! It's our choice to associate with people who say things that makes us feel badly about ourselves or in general. If my husband were controlling, emotionally abusive or overly critical I certainly wouldn't have stayed with him these past 30+ years. Other people like that in my life have come and gone, usually quickly.
I do have to straighten my husband out occasionally when he says something that I feel crosses the line. It's not usually about my weight unless it's that he thinks I'm getting too thin, but we both know those comments come more from the "I'm worried other men will look at you" than that I am truly thin. 0 -
I hear that one ALSO. .. SuinAz0
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rainbowbow wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »rainbowbow wrote: »kylies1977 wrote: »You have a two month old baby! He has no right to make you feel like this
The OP chooses how she feels. No one else can make her feel any way.
That's ridiculous. We only have so much control over our feelings. It is our reactions to feelings that we control, not the feelings themselves.
Not ridiculous. It's the truth. Of course we can delude ourselves into believing we are victims of everyone else's whim and actions. Bottom line, we are responsible for our happiness and putting that responsibility on others is just setting ourselves up for failure.
Who said anything about responsibility for happiness or being a victim?? Certainly not you in the post to which I responded.
If someone we care about is cruel and we feel hurt that is not being a victim and has nothing to do with being responsible for own happiness. Unless of course we continue to put ourselves in the postition to be hurt, but that is also a different subject.
We control how we respond to hurt, not whether we feel it.0 -
Men like that suck! I too believe no one can MAKE u feel a certain way. Its a active choice to feel any emotion. Its what you are thinking in your own head that can get you in trouble. A emotion ONLY LASTS 90 SECONDS ANY THING LONGER THEN THAT BECOMES A PERSON'S PERSONAL CHOICE TO KEEP IT GOING BY THE THOUGHTS WE THINK. Its about mindfulness.
I hope I never become this mindful. This sounds like something bordering on sociopath.0 -
Funny, its actually taught by many psychologists. Google how long a emotion lasts if u dont believe me..0
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Funny, its actually taught by many psychologists. Google how long a emotion lasts if u dont believe me..
This is the foundation of most modern psychotherapy as practiced today (cognitive behavioral or rational emotive therapies). These concepts have been empirically tested in hundreds of research studies and shown to be effective in helping a person become empowered over their own beliefs, which directly influence their feelings.
"something bordering on sociopath"? No. More like someone who is well-adjusted.
also edited: We most certainly can control and change the way in which we feel things. By adjusting our beliefs we can change how we feel. You are arguing about something that is completely irrelevant to the OP. I said she doesn't have to feel hurt or upset or victimized by his comments that she is choosing to and you're arguing that she does and has no control over it at all.0 -
rainbowbow wrote: »Right now, I am livid. I am an overweight woman. I just had my second child two months ago, and have lost all the baby weight, but that only means that I started at 201 pounds, and I am back at that now. My boyfriend assumes that because I am overweight I must know nothing about nutrition, which we all know, is the exact opposite. Most of us with a weight problem have studied nutrition to the point where we could have a degree in it. He is constantly criticizing how much I eat, and I only eat 1300 calories a day. He doesn't know anything about eating smaller meals more often to keep your metabolism up. It just frustrates me, that he wants to talk about me overeating when I have a perfect diet designed for myself to lose weight efficiently. My weight loss results mean nothing to him, and I'm only met with more criticism. All it does is break my spirit. I don't WANT to stay diligent on my diet when he thinks it's not good enough. He himself only eats once a day, and because he's skinny (albeit, underweight) and muscular, he thinks he's doing it the right way, when it has more to do with his male metabolism, the hard physical labor he does for work, and the fact that he's basically starved himself his entire adult life because he "forgets to eat." So right now, he's pissed, I'm pissed, and he's left for work angry, which upsets me even more, because he has no right to be angry about it. Really, I just wrote this to vent. Has anyone else encountered this problem with friends and family? It just makes me want to shut down and do nothing.
1) One thing where you are both wrong is that meals and timing does not matter. One meal per day or twenty little snacks, it is the same. Metabolism does not get slowed or accelerated. So, if this is what you are arguing about, you are both wrong.
2) If he is at a healthy weight and you are not, he is better at eating the right amounts of calories than you, he is correct there. This says nothing about nutrition, your choices might be much more balanced and healthier, but he is better at estimating calories, either intuitively or with the help of whatever method he uses.
3) You are never going to lose weight if others affect you. If being upset, or him criticizing you or someone else telling you you are doing it wrong makes you quit, then this is not going to work. You have to want it for yourself, not him. Make it clear to him that this is none of his business. You are doing it for yourself, he is not your parent to monitor how you are going about it.
I agree with this position.
I don't think either of you are well versed enough in nutrition to be telling the other what to do. This entire post kind of seems like you want other people to come in and validate you and tell you how much of a jerk he is. We don't know his side of the story or what's being said or even the exact comments he is/has made. This is a man that you love, are engaged to, and just had a child with for christ's sake. Is it really the right thing to be blasting your personal stuff online like this?
My opinion is that you are currently overweight and want to remedy that. You are tracking calories. Fine. But you have demonstrated numerous times in your post that you aren't actually familiar with how the body works and "have studied nutrition to the point where we could have a degree in it."
Stop being so defensive about this. This just means you have an opportunity to learn.
If he says something intentionally mean and hurtful you should step back and look for this intended meaning. Very likely when people make comments like this they aren't saying "YOU ARE STUPID" "YOU ARE BAD" "YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD!" but they are offering advice that they think will help you. They are intending to be supportive and help you achieve your goals. Are you sure what's been said to you is truly a personal attack on your character? Or did you just construe it to be that way?
So. Much. All. Of. This.0
This discussion has been closed.
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