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Ignorance of Nutrition
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Men like that suck! I too believe no one can MAKE u feel a certain way. Its a active choice to feel any emotion. Its what you are thinking in your own head that can get you in trouble. A emotion ONLY LASTS 90 SECONDS ANY THING LONGER THEN THAT BECOMES A PERSON'S PERSONAL CHOICE TO KEEP IT GOING BY THE THOUGHTS WE THINK. Its about mindfulness.0
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...and I have a personal responsibility to avoid people who are persistently critical or ignoring my boundaries. Those closest to me are warned that I am feeling trodden on, and are given an opportunity to make it right.0
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My husband has always supported me, fat, fatter and fattest. I have not been under 200 since childhood.
But he has always had a very physical job, has always been thin and always eats whatever he wants.
Like your boyfriend, he really did not understand what it takes to loose wieght. How stressful it is, physically and emotionally. He also can't feel the hormonal roller coaster that you are riding as your body adjusts after child birth. He doesn't know that slow weight loss if much better for you than fast weight loss.
Every good relationship starts and grows with open, honest communication. Share your heart with him when you have both calmed down. Don't acuse, tell him how you feel.
Explain what you are doing and why it works for you. Tell him what he can say and do to support you and what he says and does that discourages you.
It sounds to me like you are doing a great job so far with your weight loss, but you need to remember that you are doing this for you! He will reap some benifits eventually, but your health is important because you deserve good health!
My husband and I are 52 now and we have been together since we were 18. When people ask why we still have such a great relationship, I always say, "We talk. We talk about everything that comes between us. We don't let little things build up into big things."
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...and I have a personal responsibility to avoid people who are persistently critical or ignoring my boundaries. Those closest to me are warned that I am feeling trodden on, and are given an opportunity to make it right.
Darn right! It's our choice to associate with people who say things that makes us feel badly about ourselves or in general. If my husband were controlling, emotionally abusive or overly critical I certainly wouldn't have stayed with him these past 30+ years. Other people like that in my life have come and gone, usually quickly.
I do have to straighten my husband out occasionally when he says something that I feel crosses the line. It's not usually about my weight unless it's that he thinks I'm getting too thin, but we both know those comments come more from the "I'm worried other men will look at you" than that I am truly thin.
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I hear that one ALSO. .. SuinAz0
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rainbowbow wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »rainbowbow wrote: »kylies1977 wrote: »You have a two month old baby! He has no right to make you feel like this
The OP chooses how she feels. No one else can make her feel any way.
That's ridiculous. We only have so much control over our feelings. It is our reactions to feelings that we control, not the feelings themselves.
Not ridiculous. It's the truth. Of course we can delude ourselves into believing we are victims of everyone else's whim and actions. Bottom line, we are responsible for our happiness and putting that responsibility on others is just setting ourselves up for failure.
Who said anything about responsibility for happiness or being a victim?? Certainly not you in the post to which I responded.
If someone we care about is cruel and we feel hurt that is not being a victim and has nothing to do with being responsible for own happiness. Unless of course we continue to put ourselves in the postition to be hurt, but that is also a different subject.
We control how we respond to hurt, not whether we feel it.0 -
Men like that suck! I too believe no one can MAKE u feel a certain way. Its a active choice to feel any emotion. Its what you are thinking in your own head that can get you in trouble. A emotion ONLY LASTS 90 SECONDS ANY THING LONGER THEN THAT BECOMES A PERSON'S PERSONAL CHOICE TO KEEP IT GOING BY THE THOUGHTS WE THINK. Its about mindfulness.
I hope I never become this mindful. This sounds like something bordering on sociopath.0 -
Funny, its actually taught by many psychologists. Google how long a emotion lasts if u dont believe me..0
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Funny, its actually taught by many psychologists. Google how long a emotion lasts if u dont believe me..
This is the foundation of most modern psychotherapy as practiced today (cognitive behavioral or rational emotive therapies). These concepts have been empirically tested in hundreds of research studies and shown to be effective in helping a person become empowered over their own beliefs, which directly influence their feelings.
"something bordering on sociopath"? No. More like someone who is well-adjusted.
also edited: We most certainly can control and change the way in which we feel things. By adjusting our beliefs we can change how we feel. You are arguing about something that is completely irrelevant to the OP. I said she doesn't have to feel hurt or upset or victimized by his comments that she is choosing to and you're arguing that she does and has no control over it at all.0 -
rainbowbow wrote: »Right now, I am livid. I am an overweight woman. I just had my second child two months ago, and have lost all the baby weight, but that only means that I started at 201 pounds, and I am back at that now. My boyfriend assumes that because I am overweight I must know nothing about nutrition, which we all know, is the exact opposite. Most of us with a weight problem have studied nutrition to the point where we could have a degree in it. He is constantly criticizing how much I eat, and I only eat 1300 calories a day. He doesn't know anything about eating smaller meals more often to keep your metabolism up. It just frustrates me, that he wants to talk about me overeating when I have a perfect diet designed for myself to lose weight efficiently. My weight loss results mean nothing to him, and I'm only met with more criticism. All it does is break my spirit. I don't WANT to stay diligent on my diet when he thinks it's not good enough. He himself only eats once a day, and because he's skinny (albeit, underweight) and muscular, he thinks he's doing it the right way, when it has more to do with his male metabolism, the hard physical labor he does for work, and the fact that he's basically starved himself his entire adult life because he "forgets to eat." So right now, he's pissed, I'm pissed, and he's left for work angry, which upsets me even more, because he has no right to be angry about it. Really, I just wrote this to vent. Has anyone else encountered this problem with friends and family? It just makes me want to shut down and do nothing.
1) One thing where you are both wrong is that meals and timing does not matter. One meal per day or twenty little snacks, it is the same. Metabolism does not get slowed or accelerated. So, if this is what you are arguing about, you are both wrong.
2) If he is at a healthy weight and you are not, he is better at eating the right amounts of calories than you, he is correct there. This says nothing about nutrition, your choices might be much more balanced and healthier, but he is better at estimating calories, either intuitively or with the help of whatever method he uses.
3) You are never going to lose weight if others affect you. If being upset, or him criticizing you or someone else telling you you are doing it wrong makes you quit, then this is not going to work. You have to want it for yourself, not him. Make it clear to him that this is none of his business. You are doing it for yourself, he is not your parent to monitor how you are going about it.
I agree with this position.
I don't think either of you are well versed enough in nutrition to be telling the other what to do. This entire post kind of seems like you want other people to come in and validate you and tell you how much of a jerk he is. We don't know his side of the story or what's being said or even the exact comments he is/has made. This is a man that you love, are engaged to, and just had a child with for christ's sake. Is it really the right thing to be blasting your personal stuff online like this?
My opinion is that you are currently overweight and want to remedy that. You are tracking calories. Fine. But you have demonstrated numerous times in your post that you aren't actually familiar with how the body works and "have studied nutrition to the point where we could have a degree in it."
Stop being so defensive about this. This just means you have an opportunity to learn.
If he says something intentionally mean and hurtful you should step back and look for this intended meaning. Very likely when people make comments like this they aren't saying "YOU ARE STUPID" "YOU ARE BAD" "YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD!" but they are offering advice that they think will help you. They are intending to be supportive and help you achieve your goals. Are you sure what's been said to you is truly a personal attack on your character? Or did you just construe it to be that way?
So. Much. All. Of. This.0 -
Funny, its actually taught by many psychologists. Google how long a emotion lasts if u dont believe me..
I dunno, some emotions last longer than 90 seconds for me. In fact, most of them. Something really good will boost my emotions and give me a more positive outlook on everything around me. Something really bad will have the oppisete effect. It's our reaction to the initial emotion that we go on, for the most part.0 -
Looks to me that the OP wasn't asking anyone for an opinion about her situation. She was simply venting. She asked, "Has anyone else encountered this problem with friends and family?"
To answer your question, I have not. Trying not to anyway but feeling like this does come across when working with my wife since she's trying to lose weight but snacks a lot. I want to say something but I just continue to try to be as supportive as possible for when she's ready to go full swing. Good luck!0 -
I've found it to be more effective to have 1 meal per day rather than having many meals in smaller portions. But if you are making results, you are fine. Just let him know that, whether your way is better or worse, you are making results anyway.0
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Looks to me that the OP wasn't asking anyone for an opinion about her situation. She was simply venting. She asked, "Has anyone else encountered this problem with friends and family?"
To answer your question, I have not. Trying not to anyway but feeling like this does come across when working with my wife since she's trying to lose weight but snacks a lot. I want to say something but I just continue to try to be as supportive as possible for when she's ready to go full swing. Good luck!
Good for you! This is the way we all should be. And yes, you're right that the OP was probably just looking for similar situations although it's hard not to offer unsolicited advice at times. I'm guilty in my earlier post.0 -
Looks to me that the OP wasn't asking anyone for an opinion about her situation. She was simply venting. She asked, "Has anyone else encountered this problem with friends and family?"
To answer your question, I have not. Trying not to anyway but feeling like this does come across when working with my wife since she's trying to lose weight but snacks a lot. I want to say something but I just continue to try to be as supportive as possible for when she's ready to go full swing. Good luck!
Thank you for that. No, I wasn't really asking for an opinion, but just for some people to try to be relatable. As for "knowing enough about nutrition," as many people have been talking about, there are many different approaches to weight loss, so it's appreciated if you quit being hateful of others approaches. One meal a day has never worked for me. Makes me insane, like I need to chew my fingertips off. Anyway, I'm not offended by it, just think everyone should quit being so hateful.
Back to the point, I just needed to vent. This seemed like a better outlet than Facebook where everyone knows you and your significant other, and it causes drama among everyone. I have talked to my boyfriend, several times, about not commenting on how much or when I eat. I've told him that it makes me feel self conscious to even eat at all when he's home. He will usually stop the comments for a week or two. It's usually fairly subtle, like today. He said, to our daughter this morning, "I wish I could sit around the house with you and snack on everything in the refrigerator all day." So I asked if he still has a problem with what I eat (because I've only started dieting recently) and he said, "I never had a problem with WHAT you eat."
When I got annoyed, he just blew up. Saying he just won't comment on anything that's going on with anyone anymore, then bringing unrelated topics into the conversation. It just made me mad. Made me self conscious and irritated. I told him I will not starve myself all day just to impress him. Besides that I feel sick and deprived if I only eat once a day like he does. Honestly, I'm still irritated. I'm not angry right now, just irritated. I shouldn't have to feel like I have to hide in the closet to eat a cucumber. Maybe a pint of icecream, lol, but not a cucumber. I am doing everything right FOR ME. This is the right diet FOR ME. I just wish he would be supportive of it.
And yes, I am rambling, but one more point. He comes from the lifestyle of "do or die." There is no try, there is no making progress. There is no satisfaction. For him, everything can always improve. If you did 50 squats today, you should've done 100, even if you fell over from muscle fatigue. He seems to have the impression that you can just stop eating, and everything will be hunky dory, and you can eat again when you're skinny.0 -
I'd be irritated, too. His comments come across as a little passive-aggressive. He's not talking to you directly about it, he's making wishes.
Then there's the do or die mentality. That's my dad. It took me decades to get his voice out of my head. His method definitely doesn't work for me. Now, ironically, in his last stage of life, dad's gone all soft and generous. Or maybe as I overcame him I finally have come to understand him. Silly lovable soul.0 -
Looks to me that the OP wasn't asking anyone for an opinion about her situation. She was simply venting. She asked, "Has anyone else encountered this problem with friends and family?"
To answer your question, I have not. Trying not to anyway but feeling like this does come across when working with my wife since she's trying to lose weight but snacks a lot. I want to say something but I just continue to try to be as supportive as possible for when she's ready to go full swing. Good luck!
Thank you for that. No, I wasn't really asking for an opinion, but just for some people to try to be relatable. As for "knowing enough about nutrition," as many people have been talking about, there are many different approaches to weight loss, so it's appreciated if you quit being hateful of others approaches. One meal a day has never worked for me. Makes me insane, like I need to chew my fingertips off. Anyway, I'm not offended by it, just think everyone should quit being so hateful.
Back to the point, I just needed to vent. This seemed like a better outlet than Facebook where everyone knows you and your significant other, and it causes drama among everyone. I have talked to my boyfriend, several times, about not commenting on how much or when I eat. I've told him that it makes me feel self conscious to even eat at all when he's home. He will usually stop the comments for a week or two. It's usually fairly subtle, like today. He said, to our daughter this morning, "I wish I could sit around the house with you and snack on everything in the refrigerator all day." So I asked if he still has a problem with what I eat (because I've only started dieting recently) and he said, "I never had a problem with WHAT you eat."
When I got annoyed, he just blew up. Saying he just won't comment on anything that's going on with anyone anymore, then bringing unrelated topics into the conversation. It just made me mad. Made me self conscious and irritated. I told him I will not starve myself all day just to impress him. Besides that I feel sick and deprived if I only eat once a day like he does. Honestly, I'm still irritated. I'm not angry right now, just irritated. I shouldn't have to feel like I have to hide in the closet to eat a cucumber. Maybe a pint of icecream, lol, but not a cucumber. I am doing everything right FOR ME. This is the right diet FOR ME. I just wish he would be supportive of it.
And yes, I am rambling, but one more point. He comes from the lifestyle of "do or die." There is no try, there is no making progress. There is no satisfaction. For him, everything can always improve. If you did 50 squats today, you should've done 100, even if you fell over from muscle fatigue. He seems to have the impression that you can just stop eating, and everything will be hunky dory, and you can eat again when you're skinny.
Can you figure out what he is upset about? Is he not happy about your weight in general? Is he annoyed about you not being as physically active as he is? Have you changed since you two met, is he thinking you are letting yourself go? If this is the case, then this is something that you two could talk about and address together with realistic expectations (like him understanding that the average woman after giving birth is not losing 10 lbs per week and running marathons). Or did he always hope that you would somehow change to fit his ideal image of how women are supposed to be? If e.g. he met you having a certain weight and a sedentary lifestyle but somehow he was thinking he would change you into this super athletic super thin woman, then this is neither fair nor realistic and it will only end up with you two resenting each other more and more.0 -
He sounds stressed and stressful to be around. Are you both getting enough sleep?
It is weird that a man would be disturbed that the mother of his baby is eating. Sorry that you are going through this. Maybe pick a time to talk to him---sometime not around food and when you are both calm. Keep taking care of yourself. 
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1) be glad you're not married to him, 2) get counseling. If food is this big of an issue then there are lots bigger fish to fry. Someone that loves you doesn't put you through mental anguish about your body and how you eat and make that a source of contention between you. Hopefully your children are not hearing all of this. Counseling, counseling, counseling.0
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He sounds stressed and stressful to be around. Are you both getting enough sleep? It is weird that a man would be disturbed that the mother of his baby is eating. Sorry that you are going through this. Maybe pick a time to talk to him---sometime not around food and when you are both calm. Keep taking care of yourself.
Lol, he is both stressed and stressful. When we started dating, I was twenty pounds less than I am now. I have lost all 44 lbs of baby weight in the past two months (go me!) and I'm pretty proud of that. But these other twenty I put on just before I got pregnant is what I'm working on (plus the other 50 that I have always had and wanted to lose). He seems to think I weighed less when we started dating I guess. But now he's making me paranoid. He said I smack when I eat, like I'm just reveling in the food. I do not smack. And I don't think there's anything wrong with enjoying your food. Today he said something really ugly to me though, and I'm having trouble dealing with it. He said that its like him getting incredibly fat like my step dad (who is 350 lbs) and him still expecting me to sleep with him. As if that's a fair comparison. My extra 20 pounds makes sex with me as unappealing as a 400 pound person? For that matter, I wouldn't care if he was morbidly obese or not, I'd love and be attracted to him anyway. Guess that doesn't go both ways. I'm just venting again. My self esteem is shot today. I'm feeling pretty bad about all of it.0
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