Not your usual success story......

justdoit1106

I'm not sure where to post this really.
I have lost 44 lbs over the last 2 years. It's been a gradual loss, I plateaued for about 9 months but just recently I've dropped another 12 lbs (2 to go until ultimate goal!). I feel so much better.
My question is this: Has anyone's marriage/relationship suffered after you've lost weight?
I feel so much more confident now. I get lots of male attention (work in a male dominated environment), I've never been bad looking (hope that doesn't sound too big headed!) but I guess my weight has always made me feel undesirable.
My husband is lovely, he's a great dad, very relaxed and is content with his life. The trouble is, it's just not enough for me now. Loosing weight has given me a new lease of life, I want to get out there, and have more fun. I have spoken to my husband about not being happy, and he promised to make changes, but nothing has really changed and my guess is that it won't because he is happy.
I know this isn't a relationship counselling site, but I was just curious to know if this has happened to anyone else?

avatiach

You might try couples counseling. When one person changes and the other doesn't it can be helpful.

dolliesdaughter

How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot after your husband was great to you, supported you, great father, etc???? You are now sounding big headed.

Piper911

I get it, I was in the same place with a boyfriend of 8 years. Now it's a little different because we were not married with kids, but it was still a long term relationship. I lost 50 lbs rather quickly and I had so much more energy and wanted to be social and active. And he kind of just wanted to hang out at home all the time. Ultimately I felt like a new person and the new person was just not compatible with him. We ended it on fairly good terms but it was still very hard. I still feel guilty about it though and wish we could have figured it out, but the last year I was with him was just miserable. Not telling you to leave your husband or anything, just telling you I relate. I would definitely be very clear with him about your feelings. Hopefully you guys can find some sort of compromise. Good luck!

healthy_lovez

It sounds to me like your happiness with your husband is relying on these other men that are showing you attention now that you have lost weight. Remember your husband was there through it all, and from the sound of it you just like the attention you are getting, but gain the weight back and see who is there for you. Those men will stop looking again and your husband will undoubtedly still be there...as a child who has seen my parents go through at least 7 marriages don't put your children through something just because you are going through a phase because you lost weight and your husband who has probably followed your lead on his lifestyle is now content with the life you've made together and now you have decided all of the sudden you want it to change.

riffraff2112

I've been married for 23 years, to a stunning wife who always received more attention than me. She has way more energy to party, dance, have a few drinks and do things than I ever have, and I am happy to stay home and chill.

I work very hard to overcome my comfort level because I want her to be happy. I try to enjoy myself, and make 'dates' and get the gang together and go out and have a wild night every few months not because I enjoy it (I really don't), but because I know my wife does. Losing weight has helped me a little in that regard but being the life of the party is something that will never be me. My point is ..I try

You talked to your husband, he said he would try. You feel he isn't. Your options are to have a more serious discussion, which may include counselling if you care to take it to that level. If things do not change, divorce is pretty serious stuff and impacts everyone even in this day and age. You do deserve happiness though, so don't settle for less than that.

Be patient because you made some changes, but it has an effect on those close to you. Newly discovered passion for life is bound to have an impact, and will take getting used to the new you. If you love him, you will be open and honest. The ball will be in his court, and he can decide if he has it in him to change to keep you.

From someone who knows neither of you, your stories, situations all I can say is don't be sneaky, dishonest and bitter. It is perfectly ok to know the relationship is not where it needs to be. Making changes is what this site is all about, and the ramifications and unintended consequences do exist. Good luck.

erickirb

If he is happy at home and you want to go out and do things... why don't you join a group or something and do things, even if he doesn't come? Check out Meetup, there are groups that do pretty much anything, sports, dinning, games, hiking, etc. This way he gets to stay home and chill and you get to go out, everyone wins!!

Eleted

This area is my profession. I think it would be wise to seek out counseling sooner rather than later! You need professional advice .

lovematthewchristopher

riffaff2112, very well said. Communication is key!!!!!

VeryKatie

Remember that all successful marriages have their ups and downs. They're not perfect all the time. He's treating you well so if it were me, I wouldn't give up on it. You made a commitment when you got married. It's not the same as dating. Your new-found passion may fade in a year and then you'll be alone...

weightofgold

I just wanted to add my 2 cents worth...I really do see where you are coming from....your world changed and you are getting all this attention....but the truth is you chose this change, he did not...so its not fair for you to expect this from him....Truth is also that most people that lose weight may not be able to maintain it...which means you do have a chance to gain in back.....Truth is also that if you go out and kiss a lot of frogs, you might have fun..but eventually realize not too many prince's out there....Last but not least you have a child involved and it really is incredibly selfish to put your momentary happiness ahead of his current secure life he is enjoying...

Having said all that..i really do understand how you feel....just hopfully gave you a reality check.....and i really hope you think about everything and get counselling before you do anything rash...honestly a new relationship might be exciting but most people out there will give their arm and eye for a secure one like yours

Unknown

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JenAndSome

I can kind of see where you are coming from. When you lose the weight and feel sexy and are getting so much attention it's easy to become restless and think that maybe there is something more out there.
It sounds like you have a husband who loves you and is truly a part of the team. Do you really want to lose that because you are restless? Maybe you could find a hobby or something to have more fun.

LKArgh

justdoit1106 wrote: »

I'm not sure where to post this really.
I have lost 44 lbs over the last 2 years. It's been a gradual loss, I plateaued for about 9 months but just recently I've dropped another 12 lbs (2 to go until ultimate goal!). I feel so much better.
My question is this: Has anyone's marriage/relationship suffered after you've lost weight?
I feel so much more confident now. I get lots of male attention (work in a male dominated environment), I've never been bad looking (hope that doesn't sound too big headed!) but I guess my weight has always made me feel undesirable.
My husband is lovely, he's a great dad, very relaxed and is content with his life. The trouble is, it's just not enough for me now. Loosing weight has given me a new lease of life, I want to get out there, and have more fun. I have spoken to my husband about not being happy, and he promised to make changes, but nothing has really changed and my guess is that it won't because he is happy.
I know this isn't a relationship counselling site, but I was just curious to know if this has happened to anyone else?

Therapy. It sounds to me like you are trying to say you felt you were settling for your husband until now, because you did not think you could find someone better. Which happens, it does not mean you are a terrible person. The question is if this is just a phase or this is true. This is not something you can discuss with your husband or something you can experiment with. Talk to a therapist to figure out how you really feel.

luckypony71

My mom lost weight and left a marriage of 20 years because she liked the male attention and dancing and stuff. She had a few relationships, nothing really great.

She is now in her 60s and alone. My dad remarried a wonderful woman that loved the man he was.

Get help. This is just a phase.

Duchy82

I get the impression you just want to go out and about more instead of staying indoors lounging on the sofa so.... How about you organise some family activities yourself have the kids and the hubby go out and have some fun. The same applies to nights out like a date night, organise the babysitter and make plans yourself. Don't just rely on him to make changes you have to do that together relationships evolve its not a quick process.

Jilliankosto

What about meditating on your marriage vows? I don't recall a clause that said 'if I start looking better than you I have the right to leave you'. If he knew how shallow and superficial your love was for him how do you think he would feel? How sad!

jemhh

I suggest marriage counseling.

In the meantime, plan dates with your husband. You want "more" so do more with your spouse with whom you made vows. Work on your marriage as much as (preferably more than IMO) you've worked on your weight loss.

enterdanger

I agree with the counseling people. You can't change another person. You can only change your own behavior.

sweetpea03b

It sounds to me like you guys (or maybe just you) need to find the "spark" again. Plan date nights... get dressed up... spend one on one time together. If he doesn't want to go out with you maybe plan a girl's night so you can go out and scratch that itch. I once read a quote that said something like the point of marriage is to keep you together so you're close enough to fall in love over and over again. I think people are too soon to throw in the towel through rough times. Give it time... give your hubby a chance to catch up.... you'll get there again. It's hard when your life changed so much and his didn't. He just has to get used to the new you. My hubby and I have gone through tough patches through my weight loss and fitness changes. He is naturally thin and doesn't like exercise and likes eating junk. I finally just had to tell him "look... this is going to have to be the new way I live my life... you gotta get on board". He no longer complains about the healthier eating and encourages me to go to the gym because he sees how important it is to me. It took time for him to get there though. Counseling might give you a safe space to get him to listen to you and work these feelings out, though. Good luck!

holly_roman

kinda feel bad for your hubby. Sounds like you think the grass is greener on the other side and you are leaving him in the dust when he has been there for you. This is not a reason to end your marriage.

erickirb

sweetpea03b wrote: »

It sounds to me like you guys (or maybe just you) need to find the "spark" again. Plan date nights... get dressed up... spend one on one time together. If he doesn't want to go out with you maybe plan a girl's night so you can go out and scratch that itch. I once read a quote that said something like the point of marriage is to keep you together so you're close enough to fall in love over and over again. I think people are too soon to throw in the towel through rough times. Give it time... give your hubby a chance to catch up.... you'll get there again. It's hard when your life changed so much and his didn't. He just has to get used to the new you. My hubby and I have gone through tough patches through my weight loss and fitness changes. He is naturally thin and doesn't like exercise and likes eating junk. I finally just had to tell him "look... this is going to have to be the new way I live my life... you gotta get on board". He no longer complains about the healthier eating and encourages me to go to the gym because he sees how important it is to me. It took time for him to get there though. Counseling might give you a safe space to get him to listen to you and work these feelings out, though. Good luck!

Not be be mean, but why would he have to get on Board with your weight loss. It is your journey not his. It is unfair to try and make someone change themselves because you want to change yourself.

Unless you mean accepting you doing and eating those things, then yest he should do that, but no requirement to change doing what he was doing himself.

laurie62ann

"He's not enough for me now" -- "lovely, great dad" -- and you'd walk away from this. Sounds like a gem of a man. Get some counseling!

sallygroundhog

Duchy82 wrote: »

I get the impression you just want to go out and about more instead of staying indoors lounging on the sofa so.... How about you organise some family activities yourself have the kids and the hubby go out and have some fun. The same applies to nights out like a date night, organise the babysitter and make plans yourself. Don't just rely on him to make changes you have to do that together relationships evolve its not a quick process.

+1

mkakids

Where did she say she was thinking about leaving her husband? I read the OP stating that "she wanted to get out there more and do somthing" as she wants THEM to get out there more and be more active. Together.

MsMaeFlowers

If you want to get out and do things, get out and do them. You shouldn't expect your husband to do everything with you if he is happy with his life as it is. I am an introvert married to an extrovert, and I am perfectly happy that way. I stay home and paint, or read, and my husband will go out with his friends. It's not a big deal to us, we still do things together, have our own date nights and such.

Find yourself a couple of friends who like to be active, and hang out with them a couple nights a week. Then your husband is happy you aren't trying to drag him along, and you are happy because you're getting out to do things.

waxhawblob

erickirb wrote: »

sweetpea03b wrote: »

It sounds to me like you guys (or maybe just you) need to find the "spark" again. Plan date nights... get dressed up... spend one on one time together. If he doesn't want to go out with you maybe plan a girl's night so you can go out and scratch that itch. I once read a quote that said something like the point of marriage is to keep you together so you're close enough to fall in love over and over again. I think people are too soon to throw in the towel through rough times. Give it time... give your hubby a chance to catch up.... you'll get there again. It's hard when your life changed so much and his didn't. He just has to get used to the new you. My hubby and I have gone through tough patches through my weight loss and fitness changes. He is naturally thin and doesn't like exercise and likes eating junk. I finally just had to tell him "look... this is going to have to be the new way I live my life... you gotta get on board". He no longer complains about the healthier eating and encourages me to go to the gym because he sees how important it is to me. It took time for him to get there though. Counseling might give you a safe space to get him to listen to you and work these feelings out, though. Good luck!

Not be be mean, but why would he have to get on Board with your weight loss. It is your journey not his. It is unfair to try and make someone change themselves because you want to change yourself.

Unless you mean accepting you doing and eating those things, then yest he should do that, but no requirement to change doing what he was doing himself.

I have to agree with Eric on this one....My wife and I are both working to lose weight. I am a joiner...MFP, groups, etc to help me stay motivated. I ASSUMED she would want the same so I tried to encourage her, work out with her, etc. Not a good move. She is doing this for HER...not for me (and made that abundantly clear:). That's just how she wants to do this. I can't make her work harder, etc. She has to want to do it. Our motivations are different and I can accept that (but I still would rather have a budding pushing me...hah).

on2016

"...The trouble is, it's just not enough for me now... "

I'm confused over this part. Other than your weight loss, what else changed? Or is this a case where your husband overweight too, and the issue is that you lost weight and he didn't? Just curious.

Both my wife and I have lost a lot of weight, but that hasn't made us suddenly start playing the field again.

It just seems like there are a lot of other issues going on here. However, the way it was described, it seems like he is coming out on the losing end of this deal, when he didn't do anything wrong (other than possibly support you this whole time?).

JenniferIsLosingIt

on2016 wrote: »

"...The trouble is, it's just not enough for me now... "

I'm confused over this part. Other than your weight loss, what else changed? Or is this a case where your husband overweight too, and the issue is that you lost weight and he didn't? Just curious.

Both my wife and I have lost a lot of weight, but that hasn't made us suddenly start playing the field again.

It just seems like there are a lot of other issues going on here. However, the way it was described, it seems like he is coming out on the losing end of this deal, when he didn't do anything wrong (other than possibly support you this whole time?).

This^^^^^^^^^^^

RoseTheWarrior

Definitely try counseling. It doesn't sound like a lost cause. You seem to acknowledge he has good attributes. Work on communication and see how it goes. Just don't let it fester into something worse.

Also, not sure how old you are, but could this be a mid-life crisis sort of deal? I can tell you from my brother's experience - the grass is NOT greener on the other side of the fence. In fact, it can be dangerous. My brother is married. Was married for like 12 years (no kids) then suddenly meets this lady at work (a customer, not co-worker); they started seeing each other. He left his wife for her - "the woman of his dreams". The new lady (I use that term loosely) cost him his job (a union job of over 10 years with pension, etc), got him arrested, dragged him across the country, tossed herself out of a car to make it look like he abused her, got him banned from flying on commercial airliners - seriously - deranged. My brother is now back with his wife, a woman who must have the patience of Job. My brother was just a normal guy looking for something more exciting. Well, he got it. And then some. This crazy person still calls his house and emails his wife. Yeah, that's just never going to go away.

My point is, really think about why you're unhappy. I think this is something that is on you. However, discussing your feelings with your hubby with a counselor would really be a wise idea.

LKArgh

mkakids wrote: »

Where did she say she was thinking about leaving her husband? I read the OP stating that "she wanted to get out there more and do somthing" as she wants THEM to get out there more and be more active. Together.

She has explained first that now she is getting more male attention, for the first time. And then said she is no longer feeling that her husband is enough. This does not read like she wants to go out and try bungee jumping... It sounds like "look at all these good looking guys interested in me, and I never thought this would happen, too bad I am married".