Not your usual success story......

jemhh

mkakids wrote: »

Where did she say she was thinking about leaving her husband? I read the OP stating that "she wanted to get out there more and do somthing" as she wants THEM to get out there more and be more active. Together.

She says "it's not just not enough for me" about her husband right after talking about how she now gets lots of male attention from men other than her husband. There's a connection there or else she wouldn't have included the fact that she's getting more attention from other men and feeling more desirable. It's logical to conclude that her "just not enough" feeling means that she's thinking of getting "enough" from another man.

justdoit1106

Thanks for all of your honest replies. They're really helpful.
Just to clarify a couple of things, my husband has always been slim. He can eat whatever he likes and not put on an ounce! We do have nights out together and apart, we're really lucky with childcare as we have family nearby.
I won't go into too much detail because I know it's not a relationship advice site, but I've been thinking about it a lot recently, there have always been issues for me, namely that unless I organise and sort stuff out nothing gets done, either big or small stuff. I am very driven whereas my husband is very relaxed and will just carry on with situations even if they aren't making him happy. I suppose it's come to a point where I feel more confident in what I do and don't want, and losing weight is a massive part of that. It feels that losing weight has just made the cracks more apparent.
Anyway, like I say , thanks so much for your responses. I just wondered if there was anyone else out there who had lost weight and it had a negative impact on their relationship.

LKArgh

justdoit1106 wrote: »

Thanks for all of your honest replies. They're really helpful.
Just to clarify a couple of things, my husband has always been slim. He can eat whatever he likes and not put on an ounce! We do have nights out together and apart, we're really lucky with childcare as we have family nearby.
I won't go into too much detail because I know it's not a relationship advice site, but I've been thinking about it a lot recently, there have always been issues for me, namely that unless I organise and sort stuff out nothing gets done, either big or small stuff. I am very driven whereas my husband is very relaxed and will just carry on with situations even if they aren't making him happy. I suppose it's come to a point where I feel more confident in what I do and don't want, and losing weight is a massive part of that. It feels that losing weight has just made the cracks more apparent.
Anyway, like I say , thanks so much for your responses. I just wondered if there was anyone else out there who had lost weight and it had a negative impact on their relationship.

Relationships go through phases. And sometimes changes make the problems more obvious or add stress (even positive changes). I have experienced both things:
- I have left a relationship after realising that I have been in this relationship for very wrong reasons (including low self-esteem in the beginning, so kind of compromising). He was a nice guy, but being nice is good for a friendship, not a serious relationship. And had I felt more confident in myself in the beginning, I would have probably insisted that this remained a friendship.
- And I also have found myself having doubts about a relationship and about my partner, only to realise that the problems were irrelevant and just general stress was making everything look bad. Feeling stressed, going through a life crisis, hating routine, thinking that a change is needed etc was making me wonder if my relationship was also a problem.

Talk to a therapist, it really can make a big difference. Just talking to someone, putting your thoughts in order, knowing you can discuss very intimate details and not be judged, it helps you better understand your feelings and figure out what is going on.

Qriss644

Yes. Gaining weight has had a negative impact on my relationship. Losing weight had a negative impact on my relationship. Three marriages, I dedicated myself to each one of them. The first two found other people and each time it took me down to a dark place. This is my third marriage and I am keeping my head on. Opposites attract and I am the push and pull where the men are methodical and paced. Where I am anxious, driven and determined they are procrastinating, held back and settled. We all started out healthy and slim. I put on 30-50 pounds in the first two marriages. By the third I was back to my original starting weight 136 and then I stopped smoking, 9/11 happened and my job stress tripled...I gained 100 pounds over about 10 months and didn't even see it coming at me. Now, I know where every pound is going and how hard I have to work to get them off. Managed to shed 30 of them so far, took 6 months, but it is going faster now as I have figured a few things out. I remember that feeling great about yourself phase, enjoy it but try not to create such a wake that your family get washed away...it is easy to forget the little people that helped you get to where you are. Besides, 35 years of age...that is when you think it will all end soon. It doesn't life goes on in fact, the family you have now will be so much more important in just a few more years, when you notice menopause is eating away at your sense of humor.

blkandwhite77

My husband has a dozen habits/quirks that could easily drive me nuts if I concentrated on them. Instead I CHOSE to focus on his wonderful qualities. Why? Because he's worth it. We are worth it. My children are worth it. Not to mention I know I must have at least 2 dozen habits/quirks that could drive him crazy if he concentrated on those. Make a list of the things you love about him. Every day post a sticky somewhere for him to see one of those things you love. Focus on loving him better. You will see a change in YOUR heart. I learned the hard way from previous failed marriage and yes I was the one who walked away.
This marriage I'm not walking away from. I'm not putting my children through that again. I'm not being selfish and focusing so much on myself that I disregard other people's happiness. I'm learning to love the way love is supposed to be done. Unselfishly, without pride, without demanding and with work, joy, peace and passion.
Marriage is work but damn the rewards are worth it when you look back and see all you've accomplished together.

elisa123gal

Don't do anything stupid. Sorry it that is harsh. I'm glad you are feeling good about yourself. But you won't feel so good about yourself it you turn into a cliche of a person who loses a little weight and leaves the man who loved them when they were heavy.
There will be a point when you get used to being at this weight and realize that casual attention from men..(who will look at any woman younger and better looking than you in an instant) is not to be taken that seriously.

I keep a sense of humor about it all. As in my life as I've lost and gained...I know I'm looking good when men start looking at me again. It is their nature.. and I don't take it seriously…and they don't intend it that way either.

iloveclones67

I actually view this from another viewpoint. My wife is always joking about all the women buzzing like bees around me now (they don't). She treats it like a joke, but I can see how on some level she might worry. She's only ever known me as heavy, why wouldn't she worry that I might behave differently if I were thin. Some people let money do the same thing to them.

At a minimum, you owe your husband the same honesty that you're laying out here (which you may be...), preferably in a counseling type setting. If you're unhappy, by all means grab for as much as you can. But with a husband and children in the mix, you have a higher duty to be introspective and really figure out what's going on in your head. If your husband made a big change (maybe having to move the family for a job), you wouldn't want him to let you just deal with the consequences by yourself.


Bill Cowher, former coach of the Steelers used to always say, "Don't let the highs the you too high, or the lows get you too low." Losing weight, and getting attention you didn't get before can be a bit of a drug. But it's very superficial and transitory.

csa_129

I can say that losing weight can have negative effects on lots of relationships - friends can get jealous, partners get jealous. people can get 'comfortable' with you being the fat friend. all I will say is that don't lose sight of what really matters, the novelty of 'transforming' will wear off...

burtisfamily7

First, is he abusive? Did he put you down at your heaviest? If so maybe a life change. If he has supported you, if he has been there. retrain your brain. Start dating HIM. Start looking sexy for him! Surprise HIM, flirt with him. Its easy to get in a rut, and hard to get out of it. You get complacent. I would bet my life that if you started dating him again he will respond. I dont mean to say its on you. But make him NOTICE you!!

Get him all sexied up and tell him how hot it is to have him look at you like he cant wait to get you home. Guys respond to those kinds of cues, they have to be shown/told how what we need. Not all "lets talk, I feel blah blah bla,,,,,,ignored, not loved, you dont do enough" That makes them retreat further as well as us. You married him, no resentments, just put your self out there and get your self to fall in love with him again!

When i get pissy and think, man we havnt done anything, he doesn't surprise me anymore with quickies and kayaking I think, when was the last time i surprised HIM with that? When was the last time i walked up and told him how sexy he is? Or sent "fun" photos to him while he was at work? Its been awhile, time to up the stakes

We have 5 kids, been together along time, and i got my sexy back, I started to pursue him like i wanted to to that hot sales guy. I made my husband hot again. It worked! I am happy to know we made it through "one of those times you think about jumping ship) I cant wait to see our grandchildren and grow old and die with him. The Grass isnt greener on the other side.

That being said, i divorced my last husband and will never look back. He was verbally abusive, called me "tree trunk" etc He was killing me. My now soulmate, would never ever even think about calling me a name, he adores me! It feels good to look, we are wired to. It feels good to feel attractive. And there is nothing wrong with fantasies. Its normal. But it is NOT what you think out there.

So happy you feel sexy and have confidence! But please exhaust ALL possibilities first! You wont regret it. Then if you decide to leave, you can honestly look in the mirror and at your children and say i really did do everything possible. Its your life, you must me content with your choices overall.

burtisfamily7

luckypony71 wrote: »

My mom lost weight and left a marriage of 20 years because she liked the male attention and dancing and stuff. She had a few relationships, nothing really great.

She is now in her 60s and alone. My dad remarried a wonderful woman that loved the man he was.

Get help. This is just a phase.

YES!! This is it, over and over and over!

mysteps2beauty

Wow...trying not to be judgmental but have you heard "one in the hand is worth two in the bush?" You got your sexy back, and now the stud (the inner qualities you mentioned) you have at home is not enough? These guys who are giving you attention, what do they have that your man doesn't have, and if they have that why aren't they with someone (and yes, you will not be the one and only).

Is this some middle age drama you are unfolding? Did you miss out on the "fun" earlier in life and now you feel it's the last time you can hang out? Be sexy for the man you vowed to be with for the rest of your life. Engage in the things he likes to do and ask him to do the same. You probably don't want to hang with your girlfriends cause they probably are not hot, or they want to be with their family.

Yeah, counseling seems to be what is needed, if you not for both of you at least for yourself. Those kids are not gonna forgive ma for cheating on dad.

itsmyvwbeetle

justdoit1106 wrote: »

Thanks for all of your honest replies. They're really helpful.
Just to clarify a couple of things, my husband has always been slim. He can eat whatever he likes and not put on an ounce! We do have nights out together and apart, we're really lucky with childcare as we have family nearby.
I won't go into too much detail because I know it's not a relationship advice site, but I've been thinking about it a lot recently, there have always been issues for me, namely that unless I organise and sort stuff out nothing gets done, either big or small stuff. I am very driven whereas my husband is very relaxed and will just carry on with situations even if they aren't making him happy. I suppose it's come to a point where I feel more confident in what I do and don't want, and losing weight is a massive part of that. It feels that losing weight has just made the cracks more apparent.
Anyway, like I say , thanks so much for your responses. I just wondered if there was anyone else out there who had lost weight and it had a negative impact on their relationship.

Definitely me. Same story and I did leave my husband. Stupid stupid. Oh you bet it was fun for awhile. But you know what? My ex husband and I made it through 12 years together and have some amazing kids. Compatibility on that level is not something that is found every day and available with everyone you meet. Attraction is cool, don't get me wrong but the older I get the more I am aware that it's not all it's cracked up to be.

That said, how did we come out of it. Divorced, we did divorce. Put the kids through hell and back. Both of us remarried, neither marriage is as wondrous as the one I threw down the toilet. Everyone is fine, everything is OK but looking back, I regret those choices. I have never been hurt like I've hurt with these "new and exciting" guys and even my husband has put me through hell. I lost weight, guys thought I was hot. I had a great time. If you want to talk, feel free to PM me. Good luck!

madhatter2013

aggelikik wrote: »

mkakids wrote: »

Where did she say she was thinking about leaving her husband? I read the OP stating that "she wanted to get out there more and do somthing" as she wants THEM to get out there more and be more active. Together.

She has explained first that now she is getting more male attention, for the first time. And then said she is no longer feeling that her husband is enough. This does not read like she wants to go out and try bungee jumping... It sounds like "look at all these good looking guys interested in me, and I never thought this would happen, too bad I am married".

THIS^^^^^^

Josalinn

Ok so the way I read your post is that you want to go out an do more things WITH you hubby (and/or kids) and he wants to stay at home.

1. how old are the kids? Can they stay home alone? Do you have a go to baby sitter?
2. I am a total dork. If your kids are old enough have you thought about family activities like rock climbing, laser tag, or finding your local board game store and seeing when they have events? I don't have kids but I see families at all of these things when I go out. Also we have board game nights where we stay in and drink and play games.
3. I completely agree with someone who posted about flirting/looking sexy for HIM. This is your opportunity to buy a whole lot of lingerie and have tons of awesome sex. I wear lingerie under my clothes when we go out. I get a lot of attention, but I just turn to him and give him what I imagine is a saucy smile and he smiles back because he knows what is in store fore him later.
4. Find some new friends who are interested in some activity you like. I firmly believe you can have friends of the opposite sex and not have it lead to "something more."

Actually, now that I think about it, you and your husband sound like my boyfriend and his roommate. My BF loves to go out rock climbing and goes 3 times a week. He climbs with a female friend and every time they go they ask the roommate if he would like to go. He says no every time because he likes to stay at home and read. Roommate also just got a girlfriend a few weeks ago and she is a social butterfly. She ran him ragged with social events every night for the first 2 weeks, until he finally said no because he wasn't enjoying himself. Now they do one or two events a week and stay in the rest of the time.

Attention is great. But here is something to think about. Does your hubby tell you that you are beautiful and that you look great? Does his attention mean less because you have been together so long?

Relationships break because of a lack of communication.

newyorkcitymom

Wow, on very little information, this woman just got a pile-on of judgment. And then when she clarified, she still got a pile-on of judgment. I think she has every right to feel dissatisfied with her marriage and it is completely understandable that greater self-confidence would make her feel more able to confront her true feelings about the relationship. Doesn't mean she should throw the relationship overboard for excitement elsewhere, but then she never expressed that that was her intention. She looked for support, validation and feedback on her very real and valid feelings so that she could then work through them. OP - it sounds like you've settled for a relationship that you weren't fully satisfied with because you weren't fully confident for whatever reason to ask for more before. Now you sense that there are other possibilities and you want to enjoy how you are feeling now and your relationship feels a bit same-old same-old and is just not enough for you. It sounds like you've raised this with your husband and he has expressed a willingness to shift because he loves you but is happy in your current dynamic/pattern and so there is a lot of inbuilt inertia. I think your main task is to allow yourself to believe he can change and that you guys can change together. He may want to but also be slow. But clearly he loves you. This is important to you. Counseling will help you figure out if you can grow together. So, you can and should try to figure out for you to grow together and achieve something even better than what you've had or if you've truly grown apart. But you shouldn't feel any shame in my opinion for feeling like you can finally express dissatisfaction in your relationship. It's not about suddenly being big-headed, it seems to me, but about finally feeling you can ask for what you want. So do that. But also be willing to hear him say he wants to give it to you and give him time and support to change. Change is hard all around. Good luck!

CoffeeNCardio

aggelikik wrote: »

mkakids wrote: »

Where did she say she was thinking about leaving her husband? I read the OP stating that "she wanted to get out there more and do somthing" as she wants THEM to get out there more and be more active. Together.

She has explained first that now she is getting more male attention, for the first time. And then said she is no longer feeling that her husband is enough. This does not read like she wants to go out and try bungee jumping... It sounds like "look at all these good looking guys interested in me, and I never thought this would happen, too bad I am married".

Seconded. A marriage is an alliance. And an oath was taken. I just don't understand why people think the marriage vows are of some lesser order of oaths that matter less than say, the oath soldiers take to defend their country. There are exceptions, like abuse or blatant godawful problems, but this doesn't sound like that at all.

kazminchu

burtisfamily7 wrote: »

When i get pissy and think, man we havnt done anything, he doesn't surprise me anymore with quickies and kayaking I think, when was the last time i surprised HIM with that? When was the last time i walked up and told him how sexy he is? Or sent "fun" photos to him while he was at work? Its been awhile, time to up the stakes

Just wanted to say that this whole post was amazingly true, but especially this part. Wonderful advice, I'm going to go home to my own hubs and put some of this into effect.

sweetpea03b

waxhawblob wrote: »

erickirb wrote: »

sweetpea03b wrote: »

It sounds to me like you guys (or maybe just you) need to find the "spark" again. Plan date nights... get dressed up... spend one on one time together. If he doesn't want to go out with you maybe plan a girl's night so you can go out and scratch that itch. I once read a quote that said something like the point of marriage is to keep you together so you're close enough to fall in love over and over again. I think people are too soon to throw in the towel through rough times. Give it time... give your hubby a chance to catch up.... you'll get there again. It's hard when your life changed so much and his didn't. He just has to get used to the new you. My hubby and I have gone through tough patches through my weight loss and fitness changes. He is naturally thin and doesn't like exercise and likes eating junk. I finally just had to tell him "look... this is going to have to be the new way I live my life... you gotta get on board". He no longer complains about the healthier eating and encourages me to go to the gym because he sees how important it is to me. It took time for him to get there though. Counseling might give you a safe space to get him to listen to you and work these feelings out, though. Good luck!

Not be be mean, but why would he have to get on Board with your weight loss. It is your journey not his. It is unfair to try and make someone change themselves because you want to change yourself.

Unless you mean accepting you doing and eating those things, then yest he should do that, but no requirement to change doing what he was doing himself.

I have to agree with Eric on this one....My wife and I are both working to lose weight. I am a joiner...MFP, groups, etc to help me stay motivated. I ASSUMED she would want the same so I tried to encourage her, work out with her, etc. Not a good move. She is doing this for HER...not for me (and made that abundantly clear:). That's just how she wants to do this. I can't make her work harder, etc. She has to want to do it. Our motivations are different and I can accept that (but I still would rather have a budding pushing me...hah).

I'm not saying he has to do everything with me... because he doesn't. He works a very physical job and doesn't need to do anything else. But, he has accepted that it is something I want/need to do and doesn't complain about me taking the time now. And again.... when I cook, I make healthier meals. If he wants to add a crap ton of butter or cheese to it for himself I say go right ahead... but I make it healthier because its better for me. I also weigh everything. He used to complain about how much extra time it would take... now he knows when he cooks to weigh it out for me so I know what to log. Not to be rude but it sounds like maybe ya'll might not have a great relationship if you're all "hey this is your thing I don't need to do anything in my life differently just for you". Relationships are about support. 9/10 times if someone overweight doesn't get support from their S/O either A) when they lose the weight they will leave or they will not lose the weight or just gain it all back. Get a life, guys.

erickirb

sweetpea03b wrote: »

waxhawblob wrote: »

erickirb wrote: »

sweetpea03b wrote: »

It sounds to me like you guys (or maybe just you) need to find the "spark" again. Plan date nights... get dressed up... spend one on one time together. If he doesn't want to go out with you maybe plan a girl's night so you can go out and scratch that itch. I once read a quote that said something like the point of marriage is to keep you together so you're close enough to fall in love over and over again. I think people are too soon to throw in the towel through rough times. Give it time... give your hubby a chance to catch up.... you'll get there again. It's hard when your life changed so much and his didn't. He just has to get used to the new you. My hubby and I have gone through tough patches through my weight loss and fitness changes. He is naturally thin and doesn't like exercise and likes eating junk. I finally just had to tell him "look... this is going to have to be the new way I live my life... you gotta get on board". He no longer complains about the healthier eating and encourages me to go to the gym because he sees how important it is to me. It took time for him to get there though. Counseling might give you a safe space to get him to listen to you and work these feelings out, though. Good luck!

Not be be mean, but why would he have to get on Board with your weight loss. It is your journey not his. It is unfair to try and make someone change themselves because you want to change yourself.

Unless you mean accepting you doing and eating those things, then yest he should do that, but no requirement to change doing what he was doing himself.

I have to agree with Eric on this one....My wife and I are both working to lose weight. I am a joiner...MFP, groups, etc to help me stay motivated. I ASSUMED she would want the same so I tried to encourage her, work out with her, etc. Not a good move. She is doing this for HER...not for me (and made that abundantly clear:). That's just how she wants to do this. I can't make her work harder, etc. She has to want to do it. Our motivations are different and I can accept that (but I still would rather have a budding pushing me...hah).

I'm not saying he has to do everything with me... because he doesn't. He works a very physical job and doesn't need to do anything else. But, he has accepted that it is something I want/need to do and doesn't complain about me taking the time now. And again.... when I cook, I make healthier meals. If he wants to add a crap ton of butter or cheese to it for himself I say go right ahead... but I make it healthier because its better for me. I also weigh everything. He used to complain about how much extra time it would take... now he knows when he cooks to weigh it out for me so I know what to log. Not to be rude but it sounds like maybe ya'll might not have a great relationship if you're all "hey this is your thing I don't need to do anything in my life differently just for you". Relationships are about support. 9/10 times if someone overweight doesn't get support from their S/O either A) when they lose the weight they will leave or they will not lose the weight or just gain it all back. Get a life, guys.

I disagree with most of what you posted except that when you cook he can eat that and add his own extra stuff. Most people lose weight for themselves, as it should be, so why try and make someone else change, when you want to change for you. I would be different if you were talking about making changes that benefit the relationship or family, but weight loss is a personal journey. I think partners should support, but they don't have to change themselves.

rosammr

newyorkcitymom wrote: »

Wow, on very little information, this woman just got a pile-on of judgment. And then when she clarified, she still got a pile-on of judgment. I think she has every right to feel dissatisfied with her marriage and it is completely understandable that greater self-confidence would make her feel more able to confront her true feelings about the relationship. Doesn't mean she should throw the relationship overboard for excitement elsewhere, but then she never expressed that that was her intention. She looked for support, validation and feedback on her very real and valid feelings so that she could then work through them. OP - it sounds like you've settled for a relationship that you weren't fully satisfied with because you weren't fully confident for whatever reason to ask for more before. Now you sense that there are other possibilities and you want to enjoy how you are feeling now and your relationship feels a bit same-old same-old and is just not enough for you. It sounds like you've raised this with your husband and he has expressed a willingness to shift because he loves you but is happy in your current dynamic/pattern and so there is a lot of inbuilt inertia. I think your main task is to allow yourself to believe he can change and that you guys can change together. He may want to but also be slow. But clearly he loves you. This is important to you. Counseling will help you figure out if you can grow together. So, you can and should try to figure out for you to grow together and achieve something even better than what you've had or if you've truly grown apart. But you shouldn't feel any shame in my opinion for feeling like you can finally express dissatisfaction in your relationship. It's not about suddenly being big-headed, it seems to me, but about finally feeling you can ask for what you want. So do that. But also be willing to hear him say he wants to give it to you and give him time and support to change. Change is hard all around. Good luck!

I agree with this 100%