Not your usual success story......

You might try couples counseling. When one person changes and the other doesn't it can be helpful.

I get it, I was in the same place with a boyfriend of 8 years. Now it's a little different because we were not married with kids, but it was still a long term relationship. I lost 50 lbs rather quickly and I had so much more energy and wanted to be social and active. And he kind of just wanted to hang out at home all the time. Ultimately I felt like a new person and the new person was just not compatible with him. We ended it on fairly good terms but it was still very hard. I still feel guilty about it though and wish we could have figured it out, but the last year I was with him was just miserable. Not telling you to leave your husband or anything, just telling you I relate. I would definitely be very clear with him about your feelings. Hopefully you guys can find some sort of compromise. Good luck!

I've been married for 23 years, to a stunning wife who always received more attention than me. She has way more energy to party, dance, have a few drinks and do things than I ever have, and I am happy to stay home and chill.

I work very hard to overcome my comfort level because I want her to be happy. I try to enjoy myself, and make 'dates' and get the gang together and go out and have a wild night every few months not because I enjoy it (I really don't), but because I know my wife does. Losing weight has helped me a little in that regard but being the life of the party is something that will never be me. My point is ..I try

You talked to your husband, he said he would try. You feel he isn't. Your options are to have a more serious discussion, which may include counselling if you care to take it to that level. If things do not change, divorce is pretty serious stuff and impacts everyone even in this day and age. You do deserve happiness though, so don't settle for less than that.

Be patient because you made some changes, but it has an effect on those close to you. Newly discovered passion for life is bound to have an impact, and will take getting used to the new you. If you love him, you will be open and honest. The ball will be in his court, and he can decide if he has it in him to change to keep you.

From someone who knows neither of you, your stories, situations all I can say is don't be sneaky, dishonest and bitter. It is perfectly ok to know the relationship is not where it needs to be. Making changes is what this site is all about, and the ramifications and unintended consequences do exist. Good luck.

This area is my profession. I think it would be wise to seek out counseling sooner rather than later! You need professional advice .

Remember that all successful marriages have their ups and downs. They're not perfect all the time. He's treating you well so if it were me, I wouldn't give up on it. You made a commitment when you got married. It's not the same as dating. Your new-found passion may fade in a year and then you'll be alone...

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justdoit1106 wrote: »

I'm not sure where to post this really.
I have lost 44 lbs over the last 2 years. It's been a gradual loss, I plateaued for about 9 months but just recently I've dropped another 12 lbs (2 to go until ultimate goal!). I feel so much better.
My question is this: Has anyone's marriage/relationship suffered after you've lost weight?
I feel so much more confident now. I get lots of male attention (work in a male dominated environment), I've never been bad looking (hope that doesn't sound too big headed!) but I guess my weight has always made me feel undesirable.
My husband is lovely, he's a great dad, very relaxed and is content with his life. The trouble is, it's just not enough for me now. Loosing weight has given me a new lease of life, I want to get out there, and have more fun. I have spoken to my husband about not being happy, and he promised to make changes, but nothing has really changed and my guess is that it won't because he is happy.
I know this isn't a relationship counselling site, but I was just curious to know if this has happened to anyone else?

Therapy. It sounds to me like you are trying to say you felt you were settling for your husband until now, because you did not think you could find someone better. Which happens, it does not mean you are a terrible person. The question is if this is just a phase or this is true. This is not something you can discuss with your husband or something you can experiment with. Talk to a therapist to figure out how you really feel.

I get the impression you just want to go out and about more instead of staying indoors lounging on the sofa so.... How about you organise some family activities yourself have the kids and the hubby go out and have some fun. The same applies to nights out like a date night, organise the babysitter and make plans yourself. Don't just rely on him to make changes you have to do that together relationships evolve its not a quick process.

I suggest marriage counseling.

In the meantime, plan dates with your husband. You want "more" so do more with your spouse with whom you made vows. Work on your marriage as much as (preferably more than IMO) you've worked on your weight loss.

It sounds to me like you guys (or maybe just you) need to find the "spark" again. Plan date nights... get dressed up... spend one on one time together. If he doesn't want to go out with you maybe plan a girl's night so you can go out and scratch that itch. I once read a quote that said something like the point of marriage is to keep you together so you're close enough to fall in love over and over again. I think people are too soon to throw in the towel through rough times. Give it time... give your hubby a chance to catch up.... you'll get there again. It's hard when your life changed so much and his didn't. He just has to get used to the new you. My hubby and I have gone through tough patches through my weight loss and fitness changes. He is naturally thin and doesn't like exercise and likes eating junk. I finally just had to tell him "look... this is going to have to be the new way I live my life... you gotta get on board". He no longer complains about the healthier eating and encourages me to go to the gym because he sees how important it is to me. It took time for him to get there though. Counseling might give you a safe space to get him to listen to you and work these feelings out, though. Good luck!

sweetpea03b wrote: »

It sounds to me like you guys (or maybe just you) need to find the "spark" again. Plan date nights... get dressed up... spend one on one time together. If he doesn't want to go out with you maybe plan a girl's night so you can go out and scratch that itch. I once read a quote that said something like the point of marriage is to keep you together so you're close enough to fall in love over and over again. I think people are too soon to throw in the towel through rough times. Give it time... give your hubby a chance to catch up.... you'll get there again. It's hard when your life changed so much and his didn't. He just has to get used to the new you. My hubby and I have gone through tough patches through my weight loss and fitness changes. He is naturally thin and doesn't like exercise and likes eating junk. I finally just had to tell him "look... this is going to have to be the new way I live my life... you gotta get on board". He no longer complains about the healthier eating and encourages me to go to the gym because he sees how important it is to me. It took time for him to get there though. Counseling might give you a safe space to get him to listen to you and work these feelings out, though. Good luck!

Not be be mean, but why would he have to get on Board with your weight loss. It is your journey not his. It is unfair to try and make someone change themselves because you want to change yourself.

Unless you mean accepting you doing and eating those things, then yest he should do that, but no requirement to change doing what he was doing himself.

Duchy82 wrote: »

I get the impression you just want to go out and about more instead of staying indoors lounging on the sofa so.... How about you organise some family activities yourself have the kids and the hubby go out and have some fun. The same applies to nights out like a date night, organise the babysitter and make plans yourself. Don't just rely on him to make changes you have to do that together relationships evolve its not a quick process.

+1

If you want to get out and do things, get out and do them. You shouldn't expect your husband to do everything with you if he is happy with his life as it is. I am an introvert married to an extrovert, and I am perfectly happy that way. I stay home and paint, or read, and my husband will go out with his friends. It's not a big deal to us, we still do things together, have our own date nights and such.

Find yourself a couple of friends who like to be active, and hang out with them a couple nights a week. Then your husband is happy you aren't trying to drag him along, and you are happy because you're getting out to do things.

"...The trouble is, it's just not enough for me now... "

I'm confused over this part. Other than your weight loss, what else changed? Or is this a case where your husband overweight too, and the issue is that you lost weight and he didn't? Just curious.

Both my wife and I have lost a lot of weight, but that hasn't made us suddenly start playing the field again.

It just seems like there are a lot of other issues going on here. However, the way it was described, it seems like he is coming out on the losing end of this deal, when he didn't do anything wrong (other than possibly support you this whole time?).

Definitely try counseling. It doesn't sound like a lost cause. You seem to acknowledge he has good attributes. Work on communication and see how it goes. Just don't let it fester into something worse.

Also, not sure how old you are, but could this be a mid-life crisis sort of deal? I can tell you from my brother's experience - the grass is NOT greener on the other side of the fence. In fact, it can be dangerous. My brother is married. Was married for like 12 years (no kids) then suddenly meets this lady at work (a customer, not co-worker); they started seeing each other. He left his wife for her - "the woman of his dreams". The new lady (I use that term loosely) cost him his job (a union job of over 10 years with pension, etc), got him arrested, dragged him across the country, tossed herself out of a car to make it look like he abused her, got him banned from flying on commercial airliners - seriously - deranged. My brother is now back with his wife, a woman who must have the patience of Job. My brother was just a normal guy looking for something more exciting. Well, he got it. And then some. This crazy person still calls his house and emails his wife. Yeah, that's just never going to go away.

My point is, really think about why you're unhappy. I think this is something that is on you. However, discussing your feelings with your hubby with a counselor would really be a wise idea.