Not your usual success story......

justdoit1106 · November 2015

I'm not sure where to post this really.
I have lost 44 lbs over the last 2 years. It's been a gradual loss, I plateaued for about 9 months but just recently I've dropped another 12 lbs (2 to go until ultimate goal!). I feel so much better.
My question is this: Has anyone's marriage/relationship suffered after you've lost weight?
I feel so much more confident now. I get lots of male attention (work in a male dominated environment), I've never been bad looking (hope that doesn't sound too big headed!) but I guess my weight has always made me feel undesirable.
My husband is lovely, he's a great dad, very relaxed and is content with his life. The trouble is, it's just not enough for me now. Loosing weight has given me a new lease of life, I want to get out there, and have more fun. I have spoken to my husband about not being happy, and he promised to make changes, but nothing has really changed and my guess is that it won't because he is happy.
I know this isn't a relationship counselling site, but I was just curious to know if this has happened to anyone else?

avatiach · November 2015

You might try couples counseling. When one person changes and the other doesn't it can be helpful.

dolliesdaughter · November 2015

How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot after your husband was great to you, supported you, great father, etc???? You are now sounding big headed.

Piper911 · November 2015

I get it, I was in the same place with a boyfriend of 8 years. Now it's a little different because we were not married with kids, but it was still a long term relationship. I lost 50 lbs rather quickly and I had so much more energy and wanted to be social and active. And he kind of just wanted to hang out at home all the time. Ultimately I felt like a new person and the new person was just not compatible with him. We ended it on fairly good terms but it was still very hard. I still feel guilty about it though and wish we could have figured it out, but the last year I was with him was just miserable. Not telling you to leave your husband or anything, just telling you I relate. I would definitely be very clear with him about your feelings. Hopefully you guys can find some sort of compromise. Good luck!

healthy_lovez · November 2015

It sounds to me like your happiness with your husband is relying on these other men that are showing you attention now that you have lost weight. Remember your husband was there through it all, and from the sound of it you just like the attention you are getting, but gain the weight back and see who is there for you. Those men will stop looking again and your husband will undoubtedly still be there...as a child who has seen my parents go through at least 7 marriages don't put your children through something just because you are going through a phase because you lost weight and your husband who has probably followed your lead on his lifestyle is now content with the life you've made together and now you have decided all of the sudden you want it to change.

riffraff2112 · November 2015

I've been married for 23 years, to a stunning wife who always received more attention than me. She has way more energy to party, dance, have a few drinks and do things than I ever have, and I am happy to stay home and chill.

I work very hard to overcome my comfort level because I want her to be happy. I try to enjoy myself, and make 'dates' and get the gang together and go out and have a wild night every few months not because I enjoy it (I really don't), but because I know my wife does. Losing weight has helped me a little in that regard but being the life of the party is something that will never be me. My point is ..I try

You talked to your husband, he said he would try. You feel he isn't. Your options are to have a more serious discussion, which may include counselling if you care to take it to that level. If things do not change, divorce is pretty serious stuff and impacts everyone even in this day and age. You do deserve happiness though, so don't settle for less than that.

Be patient because you made some changes, but it has an effect on those close to you. Newly discovered passion for life is bound to have an impact, and will take getting used to the new you. If you love him, you will be open and honest. The ball will be in his court, and he can decide if he has it in him to change to keep you.

From someone who knows neither of you, your stories, situations all I can say is don't be sneaky, dishonest and bitter. It is perfectly ok to know the relationship is not where it needs to be. Making changes is what this site is all about, and the ramifications and unintended consequences do exist. Good luck.

erickirb · November 2015

If he is happy at home and you want to go out and do things... why don't you join a group or something and do things, even if he doesn't come? Check out Meetup, there are groups that do pretty much anything, sports, dinning, games, hiking, etc. This way he gets to stay home and chill and you get to go out, everyone wins!!

Eleted · November 2015

This area is my profession. I think it would be wise to seek out counseling sooner rather than later! You need professional advice .

lovematthewchristopher · November 2015

riffaff2112, very well said. Communication is key!!!!!

VeryKatie · November 2015

Remember that all successful marriages have their ups and downs. They're not perfect all the time. He's treating you well so if it were me, I wouldn't give up on it. You made a commitment when you got married. It's not the same as dating. Your new-found passion may fade in a year and then you'll be alone...

weightofgold · November 2015

I just wanted to add my 2 cents worth...I really do see where you are coming from....your world changed and you are getting all this attention....but the truth is you chose this change, he did not...so its not fair for you to expect this from him....Truth is also that most people that lose weight may not be able to maintain it...which means you do have a chance to gain in back.....Truth is also that if you go out and kiss a lot of frogs, you might have fun..but eventually realize not too many prince's out there....Last but not least you have a child involved and it really is incredibly selfish to put your momentary happiness ahead of his current secure life he is enjoying...

Having said all that..i really do understand how you feel....just hopfully gave you a reality check.....and i really hope you think about everything and get counselling before you do anything rash...honestly a new relationship might be exciting but most people out there will give their arm and eye for a secure one like yours

JenAndSome · November 2015

I can kind of see where you are coming from. When you lose the weight and feel sexy and are getting so much attention it's easy to become restless and think that maybe there is something more out there.
It sounds like you have a husband who loves you and is truly a part of the team. Do you really want to lose that because you are restless? Maybe you could find a hobby or something to have more fun.

LKArgh · November 2015

justdoit1106 wrote: »

I'm not sure where to post this really.
I have lost 44 lbs over the last 2 years. It's been a gradual loss, I plateaued for about 9 months but just recently I've dropped another 12 lbs (2 to go until ultimate goal!). I feel so much better.
My question is this: Has anyone's marriage/relationship suffered after you've lost weight?
I feel so much more confident now. I get lots of male attention (work in a male dominated environment), I've never been bad looking (hope that doesn't sound too big headed!) but I guess my weight has always made me feel undesirable.
My husband is lovely, he's a great dad, very relaxed and is content with his life. The trouble is, it's just not enough for me now. Loosing weight has given me a new lease of life, I want to get out there, and have more fun. I have spoken to my husband about not being happy, and he promised to make changes, but nothing has really changed and my guess is that it won't because he is happy.
I know this isn't a relationship counselling site, but I was just curious to know if this has happened to anyone else?

Therapy. It sounds to me like you are trying to say you felt you were settling for your husband until now, because you did not think you could find someone better. Which happens, it does not mean you are a terrible person. The question is if this is just a phase or this is true. This is not something you can discuss with your husband or something you can experiment with. Talk to a therapist to figure out how you really feel.

luckypony71 · November 2015

My mom lost weight and left a marriage of 20 years because she liked the male attention and dancing and stuff. She had a few relationships, nothing really great.

She is now in her 60s and alone. My dad remarried a wonderful woman that loved the man he was.

Get help. This is just a phase.

Duchy82 · November 2015

I get the impression you just want to go out and about more instead of staying indoors lounging on the sofa so.... How about you organise some family activities yourself have the kids and the hubby go out and have some fun. The same applies to nights out like a date night, organise the babysitter and make plans yourself. Don't just rely on him to make changes you have to do that together relationships evolve its not a quick process.

Jilliankosto · November 2015

What about meditating on your marriage vows? I don't recall a clause that said 'if I start looking better than you I have the right to leave you'. If he knew how shallow and superficial your love was for him how do you think he would feel? How sad!

jemhh · November 2015

I suggest marriage counseling.

In the meantime, plan dates with your husband. You want "more" so do more with your spouse with whom you made vows. Work on your marriage as much as (preferably more than IMO) you've worked on your weight loss.

enterdanger · November 2015

I agree with the counseling people. You can't change another person. You can only change your own behavior.

sweetpea03b · November 2015

It sounds to me like you guys (or maybe just you) need to find the "spark" again. Plan date nights... get dressed up... spend one on one time together. If he doesn't want to go out with you maybe plan a girl's night so you can go out and scratch that itch. I once read a quote that said something like the point of marriage is to keep you together so you're close enough to fall in love over and over again. I think people are too soon to throw in the towel through rough times. Give it time... give your hubby a chance to catch up.... you'll get there again. It's hard when your life changed so much and his didn't. He just has to get used to the new you. My hubby and I have gone through tough patches through my weight loss and fitness changes. He is naturally thin and doesn't like exercise and likes eating junk. I finally just had to tell him "look... this is going to have to be the new way I live my life... you gotta get on board". He no longer complains about the healthier eating and encourages me to go to the gym because he sees how important it is to me. It took time for him to get there though. Counseling might give you a safe space to get him to listen to you and work these feelings out, though. Good luck!

holly_roman · November 2015

kinda feel bad for your hubby. Sounds like you think the grass is greener on the other side and you are leaving him in the dust when he has been there for you. This is not a reason to end your marriage.

Not your usual success story......

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