Tired of people "helping"? I definitely am.
Domicinator
Posts: 261 Member
It's that time of year again. The holidays. In many ways for many people, that's a good thing. You reconnect with your family, you have a couple of drinks, you exchange gifts, etc. I do enjoy seeing both my own family and my in-laws during the holidays, and I love the coziness of the fall/winter months in general. There is a bad side to that though too, and I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about: when relatives give you advice you didn't ask for and don't want to hear because you just know it's wrong or it goes against absolutely everything you know and stand for. And with family, even the tiniest, most minuscule piece of unsolicited advice can be enough to send you through the roof. (At least that's how it is with me.) Family just has that knack for being unintentionally annoying.
This year, for me, there is a new variable being thrown in with the normal holiday annoyances: the subject of my weight loss. I will admit that right now I think it's a lot of fun to go to gatherings and see people I haven't seen in awhile. It's not so much that I like being the center of attention, but more that it's nice to see that my hard work (65 lbs. of weight loss) is not only noticeable to people the second they see me, but is downright shocking. My wife and I were at a Halloween party with some people last weekend, and several of the people there literally didn't recognize me. (As we were leaving, the host actually pulled us aside and said that there was a group of people in the kitchen talking about how my wife must have gotten divorced and remarried over the last year or so.) Those are THRILLING moments! It means I have achieved my goal!!!
But then always comes the advice. Here was a conversation with my sister this week:
sister: You're doing really well! Nice job!
me: Thanks! I have about 10 more lbs. to go and it's going pretty slow, but I'll get there.
sister: Oh, really? Have you tried lifting weights?
me: It's not about that--it's just that I'm close to goal and it's just going slower because I've upped my calories.
sister: Have you tried giving up dairy?
me: Oh my god, no. Why would I do that? I love dairy.
sister: Have you tried cross fit?
It just went on and on like that, and that's how almost all conversation of that nature go. If I mention that my weight loss has slowed to a crawl, I get a zillion suggestions, 99% of which are based on junk science and myths. The biggest one is always "Have you tried lifting weights?" Even when I explain to people, "No, based on an MRI that shows I have severe degenerative disc disease in my lower back as well as nerve damage, my physical therapist has advised that I stay far away from weight lifting." And what's the response to that? "How about just light weights?"
The "helping" never ends. In fact, for some reason, as I get smaller and smaller and healthier and healthier, the amount of "help" people want to give me INCREASES!!!! I want to scream at people, "I'm at least 100 lbs. lighter than you if not more! WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO HELP ME IN THE FIRST PLACE????"
It's only early November. It's about to get worse. Thanksgiving is coming. So is Christmas. New Year too. I think to cope, I'm going to make a master list of all the "suggestions" I get from family about how to lose this last 10 lbs. and then turn the list into another forum post in January. Another thing I'm going to try doing when getting compliments is just saying "Thanks!" instead of my standard, "Thanks! I still have a little ways to go, but I'm almost there!"
But most importantly, for those of you who are like me and get incredibly easily annoyed by your families and their supposed constructive criticism: I feel your pain, and stand with you. We will get through the holidays together, ok?
This year, for me, there is a new variable being thrown in with the normal holiday annoyances: the subject of my weight loss. I will admit that right now I think it's a lot of fun to go to gatherings and see people I haven't seen in awhile. It's not so much that I like being the center of attention, but more that it's nice to see that my hard work (65 lbs. of weight loss) is not only noticeable to people the second they see me, but is downright shocking. My wife and I were at a Halloween party with some people last weekend, and several of the people there literally didn't recognize me. (As we were leaving, the host actually pulled us aside and said that there was a group of people in the kitchen talking about how my wife must have gotten divorced and remarried over the last year or so.) Those are THRILLING moments! It means I have achieved my goal!!!
But then always comes the advice. Here was a conversation with my sister this week:
sister: You're doing really well! Nice job!
me: Thanks! I have about 10 more lbs. to go and it's going pretty slow, but I'll get there.
sister: Oh, really? Have you tried lifting weights?
me: It's not about that--it's just that I'm close to goal and it's just going slower because I've upped my calories.
sister: Have you tried giving up dairy?
me: Oh my god, no. Why would I do that? I love dairy.
sister: Have you tried cross fit?
It just went on and on like that, and that's how almost all conversation of that nature go. If I mention that my weight loss has slowed to a crawl, I get a zillion suggestions, 99% of which are based on junk science and myths. The biggest one is always "Have you tried lifting weights?" Even when I explain to people, "No, based on an MRI that shows I have severe degenerative disc disease in my lower back as well as nerve damage, my physical therapist has advised that I stay far away from weight lifting." And what's the response to that? "How about just light weights?"
The "helping" never ends. In fact, for some reason, as I get smaller and smaller and healthier and healthier, the amount of "help" people want to give me INCREASES!!!! I want to scream at people, "I'm at least 100 lbs. lighter than you if not more! WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO HELP ME IN THE FIRST PLACE????"
It's only early November. It's about to get worse. Thanksgiving is coming. So is Christmas. New Year too. I think to cope, I'm going to make a master list of all the "suggestions" I get from family about how to lose this last 10 lbs. and then turn the list into another forum post in January. Another thing I'm going to try doing when getting compliments is just saying "Thanks!" instead of my standard, "Thanks! I still have a little ways to go, but I'm almost there!"
But most importantly, for those of you who are like me and get incredibly easily annoyed by your families and their supposed constructive criticism: I feel your pain, and stand with you. We will get through the holidays together, ok?
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Replies
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How about instead of saying "it's slowing to a crawl," just say, "Thanks. I'm really happy about it, and things are going according to plan." Because they are, right? You're sensibly planning for slower weight loss as you approach goal, and you have increased your calories intentionally to achieve that. People hear "it's slowing to a crawl" as the expression of a problem, and they care about you and want to help you with the problem you're telling them you have. It's a shame they don't know any better than to offer suggestions that are either based on myths or aren't suited to your particular situation, but if you tell them everything is good, they won't have a reason to offer suggestions.0
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Just smile and nod.
Everyone has an opinion. You do you and just let their well-meant advice go in one ear and out the other.0 -
That is why I don't discuss it.
"sister: You're doing really well! Nice job!
me: Thanks! "
Anything else is a vague answer with no option to offer suggestions.
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When people give me suggestions or tell me about some miracle pill or plan they are on, I just smile and say, "oh, wow, thanks, I'll look into that!" No sense in trying to convince them of their folly, LOL!0
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Next time that conversation comes up, do this:
sister: You're doing really well! Nice job!
me: Thanks!
Then ask her to pass the sprouts. Rinse repeat as needed. Feed a person enough one-word answers and they'll figure out you don't want to talk about it. Alternatively, if you're the bull-by-the-horns sort of person, say "I don't want to talk about it." then change the subject.
[edit] @3dogsrunning scooped me by a minute. Great minds...0 -
3dogsrunning wrote: »That is why I don't discuss it.
"sister: You're doing really well! Nice job!
me: Thanks! "
Anything else is a vague answer with no option to offer suggestions.
Yep ... this ^^
There are certain people who I'll discuss the details with ... but the rest just get "thanks".
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Leave off anything about a struggle. If you say it's slow or taking a long time or whatever, people will jump in to help. Just say thanks.
I really don't mind talking weight loss. If someone asks me if I've tried something I have no intention of trying I say I haven't, but I've heard of it, have they tried it? Or, if I haven't heard of it, I say that and ask about it.
I love talking weight loss, most of the time.
Usually, though, these days...people ask me for advice, I give it to them and then they go do whatever thing they wanted to do in the first place, lol. Still interesting, but that's how it usually goes now.0 -
We as past fat people have a track record of failing when it comes to managing food.
People will offer help. After all, it was the previous norm for us to fail at managing food.
Just because we have gotten a handle on managing food does not get us a ticker tape parade. It does not erase our past
So yeah, people may offer help.
It is good the conversation is about fitness and people are having it with you. Maybe you can redirect things.
I don't think mentioning how slow things are going is helping you though. It seems to be taken as an invitation for them to share and contribute to your success
It does not seem malicious.0 -
Working2BLean wrote: »We as past fat people have a track record of failing when it comes to managing food.
People will offer help. After all, it was the previous norm for us to fail at managing food.
Just because we have gotten a handle on managing food does not get us a ticker tape parade. It does not erase our past
So yeah, people may offer help.
It is good the conversation is about fitness and people are having it with you. Maybe you can redirect things.
I don't think mentioning how slow things are going is helping you though. It seems to be taken as an invitation for them to share and contribute to your success
It does not seem malicious.
So because I was overweight in the past everyone gets to tell me how to "manage" my food?
Not everyone's previous norm was failing to manage food. My overweight period was out of the norm for me.
I don't think anyone said it was malicious.0 -
I think it is a bit like how you respond to being asked how you are? If you respond "I am good"people leave it at that, if you say, "oh not great", or "I am having a crappy day" it is taken as an invite to talk about it. If they comment on your weightloss and you say something that is construed as a negative like that is has slowed they want to offer support because it is a pretty ingrained social response and many people would actually find it a bit odd if they didn't comment or offer help.
Now, they shouldn't take you eating pizza or other high calorie foods as an invite to comment, that is something different altogether, and is unsolicited , but if you give them an opening by saying something isn't going well, or if it is going slowly they will jump on board to try and help because I think they do want you to succeed.0 -
Or if you want to be a bit more blunt...Kalikel wrote:If someone asks me if I've tried something I have no intention of trying I say I haven't, but I've heard of it, have they tried it?
"No, I haven't tried that. How has it worked for you? How many pounds have you lost doing that?"
Then sit back & watch them squirm, esp. if you know full well they're still overweight/obese and have
lost exactly 0 pounds and haven't exercised since 6th grade gym class.
"That's an interesting suggestion. Hey, did you watch the game last night?"
"That's something I hadn't thought to try. Hey, did you watch the game last night?"
"I'll run that past my doctor/dietician/PT. Hey, did you watch the game last night?"
"Thank you for your concern. Hey, did you watch the game last night?"
But overall, just saying "thanks", or maybe, "thanks, it's nice to see my hard work paying off", and
leave it at that, should derail the advice-givers.0 -
Thanks for bringing this up. If anyone notices I've lost weight, now have a plan because of all the advise here. I'm just going to say, "Thanks, I'm really proud of myself." I'm realizing I want a compliment not advise, so I'm going to give it to myself. What can they say then right?0
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sister: You're doing really well! Nice job!
you: Thank you. How are the kids?
Absolutely do not mention that you have a little more to go. That unleashes an avalanche of stupid comments and suggestions because they feel they have to say something. What you have done is so so so very far out of the ordinary.
Let these people talk about themselves.
IF anyone wants more info about how you did it or something, tell them you will get back to them later and then don't get back to them.0 -
Change directions in the conversation. Like the above poster said, they complement you and you thank them then ask an unrelated question about them.
I have the opposite issue. People ask me for advice instead of trying to give me advice (except strangers in the grocery line, they want to tell me my donuts will make me fat). Usually I tell them I'd love to help them if they want to contact me later for it.0 -
Change directions in the conversation. Like the above poster said, they complement you and you thank them then ask an unrelated question about them.
I have the opposite issue. People ask me for advice instead of trying to give me advice (except strangers in the grocery line, they want to tell me my donuts will make me fat). Usually I tell them I'd love to help them if they want to contact me later for it.
...in which case, the direct 'shut 'em down' answer is "If I wanted to look like you, I'd eat like you".
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Have you tried lifting weights though?
(notsrs)0 -
Change directions in the conversation. Like the above poster said, they complement you and you thank them then ask an unrelated question about them.
I have the opposite issue. People ask me for advice instead of trying to give me advice (except strangers in the grocery line, they want to tell me my donuts will make me fat). Usually I tell them I'd love to help them if they want to contact me later for it.
...in which case, the direct 'shut 'em down' answer is "If I wanted to look like you, I'd eat like you".
I usually tell them they make great fuel as I'm prepping for a bodybuilding competition and considering I took first place last time it must be a good strategy.0 -
I've lost 90+ pounds and I'm still getting the "helpful" advice from people. I'm pretty sure I know what I'm doing... Most recently it was a coworker offering to share her new fad, Forskalin. She's tried over 3 fad diets since June (that I know of) and hasn't maintained a loss. Since June I've lost 55 pounds. Pretty sure she shouldn't be the one offering any advice.0
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Domicinator wrote: »
But most importantly, for those of you who are like me and get incredibly easily annoyed by your families and their supposed constructive criticism: I feel your pain, and stand with you. We will get through the holidays together, ok?
hmmm, maybe this is the problem, no?0 -
Oddly, I've never gotten advice from anyone even though everyone knows I've been losing weight. Nobody's even asked me what my secret is. Weird.0
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With the exception of a couple family members (not immediate family!) who liked to make fun of my diet, weighing and logging of food, exercise, etc., everyone has been genuinely supportive in a big way.
Or if you want to be a bit more blunt...Kalikel wrote:If someone asks me if I've tried something I have no intention of trying I say I haven't, but I've heard of it, have they tried it?
"No, I haven't tried that. How has it worked for you? How many pounds have you lost doing that?"
Then sit back & watch them squirm, esp. if you know full well they're still overweight/obese and have
lost exactly 0 pounds and haven't exercised since 6th grade gym class.
"That's an interesting suggestion. Hey, did you watch the game last night?"
"That's something I hadn't thought to try. Hey, did you watch the game last night?"
"I'll run that past my doctor/dietician/PT. Hey, did you watch the game last night?"
"Thank you for your concern. Hey, did you watch the game last night?"
But overall, just saying "thanks", or maybe, "thanks, it's nice to see my hard work paying off", and
leave it at that, should derail the advice-givers.
I really do like hearing about weight loss plans, even the wacky ones I'd never do - how people tried them, where they heard about it, how it worked (or is working) and all that stuff. In fact, I'm especially interested in the ones I'd never do because I'll never have first-hand experience and have to learn about them through others. It's fun for me. 0 -
Love all the comments here. Great stuff.
Yes, I admit it. There are some parts of my family that easily annoy me. That is something I need to work on.
I also need to just leave it at "thanks". When I say things like "I have more to go", I think it's just my way of saying, "Let's not start celebrating until I'm done." I need to just stop that part.0 -
Domicinator wrote: »I also need to just leave it at "thanks". When I say things like "I have more to go", I think it's just my way of saying, "Let's not start celebrating until I'm done." I need to just stop that part.
You might think "I have more to go", but just don't vocalise it.
I've started telling my coworkers that I've reached my goal and am maintaining. I haven't and I'm not ... yet, but I'm close to it ... however, it just got really tiresome the number of people who felt they needed to tell me that I was too thin or looked old now or that I must be sick or whatever in one breath, and in another breath suggesting that I try a no-carb diet or a juicing week or something.
It's just astounding to me the number of people who never said a word when I was heavier ... barely greeted me at work ... and all of a sudden now they're saying all the words.
Oh well ... that's the way it goes.
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Domicinator wrote: »Love all the comments here. Great stuff.
Yes, I admit it. There are some parts of my family that easily annoy me. That is something I need to work on.
I also need to just leave it at "thanks". When I say things like "I have more to go", I think it's just my way of saying, "Let's not start celebrating until I'm done." I need to just stop that part.
Great idea.0 -
I have very little family, so you are lucky to have so many around you to drive you up the roof I have ran into what you are talking about. I am also down 60 lbs still have a long way to go. I simply say thank you and if they ask what I am doing, I say counting calories and eating healthier and than change subject. Congrats on your weight loss and your new life. Enjoy your family and all the hair putting it comes with. 0
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This3dogsrunning wrote: »That is why I don't discuss it.
"sister: You're doing really well! Nice job!
me: Thanks! "
Anything else is a vague answer with no option to offer suggestions.
Don't give them a reason to continue the conversation...... When you say "I have 10 more lbs to lose" it opens an imaginary door where the other person suddenly becomes an expert on you and can fix all your problems. This is to stroke their ego , not to really help you. It is probably subconscious as well, so they may not be able to help themselves.
I know it's hard to deal with because you worked your butt off to lose those 65lbs, but truly, some people just don't get it........0 -
If you say you have more to go, they'll insist on knowing how much more and when you give them a number, they'll start with the false disbelief. "Oh, no. Surely not. You cannot possibly have that much left to lose! Where will you lose it from?!"Domicinator wrote: »Love all the comments here. Great stuff.
Yes, I admit it. There are some parts of my family that easily annoy me. That is something I need to work on.
I also need to just leave it at "thanks". When I say things like "I have more to go", I think it's just my way of saying, "Let's not start celebrating until I'm done." I need to just stop that part.
I really want to say, "My *kitten*! That's where! From my big, fat *kitten* and thighs and belly." I don't. But I think it.
Take the thanks. Say you're enjoying it, but try not to give them an opening to lie and make you pretend that you don't know they're lying. That DOES get old fast.
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Limit the information you give them (unless they genuinely want advice) and disengage the conversation when it goes awry. Redirect it. It's really all you can do.0
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With the holidays approaching and normal eating modes - don't forget the other advice that will be coming - even if you totally accounted for like a big meal, perhaps by not eating all day or having a great workout and light lunch no breakfast.
"are you sure you should be eating that?"
Or even worse, the "I don't think Ted will want any of that, he's trying to keep the weight off (lose more ,ect)".
The finishing any comments with it's continuing according to plan is really the best idea I think. If they want to get in to it and learn something by asking about that aspect - then you have a chance to educate.
If they assume that means no issues (which there aren't) then fine and dandy.0
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