So disheartening for those of us VERY overweight :(

kspeach

I know I have a long way to go, but sometimes it gets SOOOO discouraging when I see other posts like this, or hear my friends/family say things like this:

*Ohmygosh I'm 10 pounds overweight! My life is OVER. I'm such a pig!
*I weighed XXX pounds today and I'm 5'10! I hate myself/my body.
*I was such a pig when I weighed XXX*** pounds, I look like such a slob.
*OMG I had to buy a size bigger of XXXX today. I was so embarrassed.

Not only does it devalue who YOU are, and it's wrong to define your insides by what is on your outside (don't you get mad when OTHER people do that TO YOU?), it's very hard for those of us who DO weigh **** or have **** pounds to lose., or aspire to be a size XXX. It hurts.

For instance, say someone is 300 pounds, and being 250 pounds in a few months, or a year, would be a MAJOR accomplishment for her. Then she sees/hears people make derogatory remarks about theirselves/others who are/were 250 pounds. How does the mind work? "What use is it to try to be 250 pounds? I will still be a (whatever) to everyone else! I'm a failure/pig/loser even when I hit my 'goals' !"

Do you realize when you are around your friends/family who ARE FAT and you are complaining about being 5-10 pounds overweight, and how ugly you look? So what do we look like to you?

I know that all of us are in different parts of our journeys, but sometimes the inner ugly/condemnation of others makes it harder. Put yourself in another person's place. There is nothing wrong with saying "I need to lose 5 pounds so I can look how I want to look/think I look my best" without saying how fat and ugly you are at those 10-15-20 pounds overweight. We/you can do this without putting others, or even ourselves, down!

If you have a little or a lot of weight to lose, there is no need to be so nasty about yourself, or that particular weight, or that goal, or people who do weigh that much or are that size. Let's support each other! If you have 10 pounds to lose, or 100 pounds to lose, it doesn't matter; we are all trying to get healthier.

Yes, I do try not to let what others think or say influence me, but it does wear on you!

Sorry...rant over.....

aymetcalf

Amen sister! :flowerforyou:

cobygrey

OMG! Guilty!

I never thought about the comments I make regarding my weight issues effecting my family.
I have a mother and a sister who are extremely obese 100-200 lbs over weight. I complain about my 50lbs all the time and how I look but I LOVE THEM and most of the time DON'T EVEN SEE THEM AS OBESE. It's what I am used too.

I must say that I have NEVER thought that what I say about my self might be effecting them. I will be mindful of any derogatory statement about my weight issues from this day forward.

Thanks for shining the light at a different angle.

Keltinator

I don't think anything that people say on this site is meant to harm other people. Comments like what you are saying are very common, but I think they slip out in moments of weakness. I get what you're saying though.

I have a friend who always says stuff like that. Like if I don't want to do something or if I'm eating something, sometimes she'll say "You're such a fatty!" I know she doesn't mean it literally because she's the same size as me and she doesn't view herself or me as fat, but it still hurts all the same...

sportygal

I was very overweight and yes it's irritating, but everyone has their own body image issues. I actually have had more people criticize my body at my "goal" weight then when I was 230 lbs! I think my message is that everyone needs to realize that health is the true reason to change, not looks. There are many people that are skinny and unhealthy and people that are overweight that are athletic. I still get underestimated on how strong I am, due to a skin pooch I have from losing so much weight. The moaning and criticism people put upon themselves is 1) not going to change the situation 2) is alienated others (that have bigger obstacles) and frankly is useless energy.
Self acceptance is the key at any weight, any size, any shape. People think that life will be all better when you lose weight. Well yes, my health is a lot better, and in so many ways life in general is nice, but it doesn't erase the realities of life. I still have problems and struggle. If anything, its hard now sometimes since I can't use weight as an excuse. What kills me is when people say, "When I'm a size ** I'll be happy, when I get married, I'll be happy, when I drop lbs. I'll be happy. These things won't make you happy. Now, better health due to me losing weight and eating right as SO put me in a happier place. But the fact is it doesn't erase every problem.
So for the most part I agree.....and in general I think EVERYONE needs to appreciate what they have. Even at 230 lbs. when my body ached, knees were crap....I appreciated that my body was moving and I was changing for the better. People need to be satisfied with what they have. I am sick of the airbrushed world. If people aren't doing this for better health and fitness...frankly they will never be happy with their body. At any size, people find things to nitpick and I have been guilty of it. But when it comes down to it, even with my saggy skin, I'm proud of my battle scars, calluses and improving my health.

melodyg

Agreed!

I know that I am at a point now... at least most days... where I can realize that it is okay that a "failure" for someone else is still a goal I need to keep reaching for (and then surpass). I also know there were many, MANY days in the past where comments like that made me just want to give up.

(And to be honest, hearing them outside of MFP still makes me want to give up at times. I have a "friend" on Facebook who continually posts about how "obese" she is with just over 30% body fat and needing to lose maybe 20 pounds? Maybe more... but much less than I do! It bothers me to the point of wanting to just hide her posts to not have to deal with it)

happy_jax

I had to think twice before responding...sometimes it's hard to write things down on here and not to upset someone...and I don't think that's ever anyones intention. But I thought I would reply for a few reasons.

Firstly, there are two sides to every story!! While I fully appreciate how you can feel hurt when reading comments such as those you mention, it is also difficult for those with only a little weight to lose. Okay, it's bad to generalize - but usually, those that have more to lose make quicker progress - so when a "lighter" person sees a "heavier" person consistently loses 3/4lbs a week - and they lose nothing, or 0.5lbs, this is also upsetting. While everyone is greatly motivated by others successes and are truly proud of their MFP friends achievements - it is human nature for there to be that little part of you that thinks "what about me, I'm working hard too" - especially if you spend every night in the gym!?

Secondly, I don't think anyone - regardless of how much weight they have to lose - should have to consider too much what they write when talking about THEMSELVES. When giving advice/comparing situations, for sure. But everyone, big, small, old, young, can have days when they feel so miserable that they hate the sight of themselves in the mirror - as well as those wonderful days when you feel on top of the world. If someone is on a down day...perhaps it should be their right to have a little rant about how "Gross and Fat" they feel, even if they weigh as much as one of my thighs?? :laugh:

I'm really happy your post ended on a positive and you don't feel as though MFP has got you down - because that's not the idea at all!! And I'm not disagreeing with you in any way - I can see that you could easily feel like that. But I just think that we are all individual - what is right for one person is never going to be right for another - even amongst siblings, so never mind friends, so if someone makes a negative comment about themselves on paper, it shouldn't be directly comparable to YOU, because there are a million and one other reasons behind their feelings.

Just so you know...I do probably fall into your 'only a bit over-weight' category, but I have been VERY over weight before. I will still make negative comments about myself (usually my stomach..don't get me started) but can also recognize my good bits. I'd like to think that I have never upset anyone with my comments - and would be truly mortified if I had. MFP is about supporting people to a new, healthy lifestyle regardless of their weight loss objectives, I'm really happy to be a part of it! :happy:

tiffanygil

Very, Very true!!! I felt that way many times! and when people come on and are my size now and are trying to loose 10 or 20 lbs it makes me question if I need to keep going.

But here is the otherside....As women we are never EVER going to be happy with our bodies 100% of the time . I think on a subconcious level I thought "if I could just get to a size XXX I would be happy and life will be soo much better." But it doesnt work that way.

The same feeling I had at 250lbs is the same feeling I get when I see the scale go up 1 or 2 lbs. In fact it maybe even stronger now than before because I have had to work so hard to get where I am at.

And we should be celebrating any wieght loss, 1 lb at a time for all. and to those who call themselves loosers, or pigs...feel sorry for them because no matter what weight they are at they will continue to feel like that even at their "perfect" weight.

CasperO

Ya',,, it's tough. I've been on both ends of this. My biggest sin is that I may mention how 'fat' I was, and use words like 'enormous', or maybe 'my *kitten* had it's own zip code',,, and only later realize that I was never as big as the guy sitting right next to me. And I know it, and he knows it,,, and if I think 5'8" - 270# is awful, then what do I think of him?

It's not mean, just about nobody means to be hurtful. It's just thoughtlessness. I'm working on it. I hope we all are.

kspeach

Ya',,, it's tough. I've been on both ends of this. My biggest sin is that I may mention how 'fat' I was, and use words like 'enormous', or maybe 'my *kitten* had it's own zip code',,, and only later realize that I was never as big as the guy sitting right next to me. And I know it, and he knows it,,, and if I think 5'8" - 270# is awful, then what do I think of him?

It's not mean, just about nobody means to be hurtful. It's just thoughtlessness. I'm working on it. I hope we all are.

It is thoughtlessness, and I appreciate that it's usually not intended towards the person sitting beside you, or your friend or whatever. But it still hurts.

I will still make negative comments about myself ....

The moaning and criticism people put upon themselves is 1) not going to change the situation 2) is alienated others (that have bigger obstacles) and frankly is useless energy.

I do understand that on the surface that they are comments about one's own self. However, some people are so 'passive-aggressive' that those remarks really ARE meant for the fat person nearby. And even if they aren't MEANT that way, they do come across that way.

There is NO NEED to put our own selves down just to get better. When you put yourself or someone else 'down', even inadvertently, you are really hurting yourself.....and reinforcing that negative image in both YOU and the 'fat person' next to you.

Sadly, this is one reason that most of my MFP pals are or have been as overweight as I am. They can understand the struggles, and yes, it is hard for me to see people who are (to me) looking great, complain about the extra .0001 inch or pound that they gained. Not all 'skinny' people are like that. But I reserve myself until I find out....granted, I don't want to listen to other fat people whine and moan either.

My mom and sister do this. It hurts, and next time I see them in person, I'm going to try to talk to them about it. They weigh 110 pounds!!

And sometimes it seems like High School...y'know, where people will say "oh my gosh I'm so fat and ugly" so that others will say NO, you're skinny! And beautiful!

Okay, taking a deep breath... thanks for those that understand, and I do appreciate all viewpoints. I hope that if I said things like that, people would tell me if it hurt them. Kinda like the rich guy complaining about the cost of MAID service nowadays, or how his 4th Beemer hasn't been washed in 2 days, while you are struggling to keep your 3 servants (KIDDING), I mean.... ANY type of roof over your head, and you take public transportation, walking to it 2 miles each way in every bit of weather.

Paul76

First point - we all need to sensitive and respectful of others here.

Second point - I don't think anyone "intends" to hurt others when they post, but I can see how it happens. I know because I've felt the same way sometimes. However, we can't take it personally.

Final point - we all have different definitions of success as we're all coming from different places with different goals. Since we each have different definitions of success, it means we have to have different definitions of failure as well. Not better or worse, just different. We're all equally entilted to be happy with our successes (however we define them) and disappointed with our failures (however we define them).

kspeach

First point - we all need to sensitive and respectful of others here.

Second point - I don't think anyone "intends" to hurt others when they post, but I can see how it happens. I know because I've felt the same way sometimes. However, we can't take it personally.

Final point - we all have different definitions of success as we're all coming from different places with different goals. Since we each have different definitions of success, it means we have to have different definitions of failure as well. Not better or worse, just different. We're all equally entilted to be happy with our successes (however we define them) and disappointed with our failures (however we define them).

We need to be sensitive to others on here, and realize how our remarks can feel to someone else. We don't want to measure ourselves against others' criteria/failures/successes, but there is nothing wrong with being sensitive and thoughtful.

CocoFire

I totally agree. I've set a goal for myself to lose 100 lbs. Even that won't get me to my healthiest weight. It's hard to go to the gym and see a room full of people who don't look like they need to lose a single pound. Who knows what is going on in their heads though. I try not to judge what other people are doing, and I try just as hard not to judge myself. I know every person is the hardest on themselves.

I just try my best each day. I try to remember that this is a hard track I've chosen. It takes a lot of courage to own the treadmill when I'm worried about what the person next to me is thinking.

I guarantee they are probably worried about what I think about them too though.

Paul76

First point - we all need to sensitive and respectful of others here.

Second point - I don't think anyone "intends" to hurt others when they post, but I can see how it happens. I know because I've felt the same way sometimes. However, we can't take it personally.

Final point - we all have different definitions of success as we're all coming from different places with different goals. Since we each have different definitions of success, it means we have to have different definitions of failure as well. Not better or worse, just different. We're all equally entilted to be happy with our successes (however we define them) and disappointed with our failures (however we define them).

We need to be sensitive to others on here, and realize how our remarks can feel to someone else. We don't want to measure ourselves against others' criteria/failures/successes, but there is nothing wrong with being sensitive and thoughtful.

Agreed - that's why it was my first point.

Allibaba

I started out at 220 or so, I am 5'4 so that was quite heavy for me. I have long since stopped saying anything negative about myself. I will sometimes look in the mirror and think those things, but I am trying so hard to be healthy that when I type or open my mouth I try to stay positive.

I think that this site has a great variety of people on it with different goals and that we should all try to keep the negativity to a minimum. It is one thing to admit that we are feeling down, but criticizing ourselves (and vicariously others) is not the way to feel better. Let's remember why we are here and stay positive!

chandnikhondji

I agree.. i am over 400 lbs and when i hear someone who is less overweight talk like their life is over or they are so fat ugly and stuff it makes me feel really really bad, because i think that is how they see me, and yeah it hurts a lot. I know it is not meant to make me feel bad but that happens all by itself, not because i think they want to harm me. It's not that we can control how we feel and what the first spontaneous thought is.

I try to keep in mind what i already accomplished and that i am worth more that i quite often feel, but with these comments i sometimes really feel like quite the opposite.

CasperO

A lot of this is the issue of the 'filter',,,

There are 2 kinds of people when it comes to speech/talk/conversation. Some people are quite thoughtful, and before they say/type their thoughts, they play a little internal chess game and sort out all of the different ways their words could be taken. They imagine how this would sound from the other person's point of view, and if it's hurtful or bad, they'll change their words before they speak, or maybe even just shut up.

Other people have no filter at all. It comes up, and it comes out. They never consider their audience.

I used to have very little filter, and said some really awful-hurtful-mean stupid stuff. I'm working on it, and I think I'm getting better.


OTOH - let's be realistic too. Now if your friend weighs 180 pounds, and she'd like to weigh 140 pounds, she might still feel that she has a way to go. Now I'll agree with you that she should not cry to her 300 pound friend about how she's a cow at 180,,, but the friend (who would love to be at 180, I know) should still be a little understanding that her friend still has a ways to go and is allowed to vent a bit. Otherwise, nobody but the biggest person around gets to talk about their journey, and that would suck.


Does that make sense to anybody else? Did my filter just fail again? If it did I'm sorry,,,

jdsouthernbelle

I totally agree. I've set a goal for myself to lose 100 lbs. Even that won't get me to my healthiest weight. It's hard to go to the gym and see a room full of people who don't look like they need to lose a single pound. Who knows what is going on in their heads though. I try not to judge what other people are doing, and I try just as hard not to judge myself. I know every person is the hardest on themselves.

I just try my best each day. I try to remember that this is a hard track I've chosen.

I TOTALLY AGREE WITH THIS 100% I also agree with Christina 100%..... People should be more considerate with their choice of words in public.

We hear the whispers and feel the glares....don't think we don't. There have been many times I have been in wal-mart or somewhere and people have made rude comments about me or laughed as I walked by thinking that I don't hear them or feel there eyes fixed upon me. It hurts. It sucks. I am here to make a change. I am doing more than some....give me credit.

sindyb9

I am not very good with putting my feelings to words and sorry in advance if I hurt anyones feels.

It is hard for everyone who feels or needs to loose weight. But we can not tell people not to vent their frustration. I am one of those people who does not look as heavy as I am, I also know what I need to loose for health reasons, but this is support and if I am having a bad day and feel fat I should be able to say this. It is not ment to hurt others but it is my feelings and when you vent it helps. I dont look at people and say they should not feel fat they only have 10 pounds to loose. Everyone handles their feelings in different ways. We are all here for support not to argue about how they get it.

Like I said this is not about hurting feeling or who is right. it is about support. I know I get it and love all who are on here we are here for the same reason we just deal with it different ways.

Hope I worded this ok.

david1956

It's hard to go to the gym and see a room full of people who don't look like they need to lose a single pound. Who knows what is going on in their heads though.

From my standpoint I have enormous respect for people doing the hard yards losing the big pounds. In fact my trainer and I somehow got onto this topic recently, and he agreed that of anyone in a gym it is the obviously obese people having the guts to change their lives that he most admires. And trust me, quietly others notice the improvements of those people and it becomes a motivational thing in itself.

Gyms tend I guess to be people absorbed in their own thing, but I think their is an unspoken little club of those that notice each other over time, a familarity. That shouldn't exclude anyone. I love the subtle comaradere of the group that trains at the time that I do. Sometimes it takes a bit of confidence to break the ice to introduce oneself to others at some point, but slowly one can see the less confident people spatially kind of move closer to others and share the odd quick conversation and appear more at ease.

Just my own thing, I think if one is reasonably confident in a gym it is good to somehow make sure people who are obviously not confident feel at home. Sometimes you get a slightly stunned look if you compliment a stranger on the progress you're noticing, or even say ask them to help spot you for a set, then they open up and you can see them suddenly looking more at ease and happier. I think that most people develop a deep respect for the everyone else they observe doing their own personal version of hard slog. But it's sometimes not overt.

melbhall

Thanks for the post and putting it into perspective for me. I'm trying to lose 40lbs (some baby weight/ some other) and I am guilty of saying negative things about myself around others all the time. This makes me realize that it makes people uncomfortable (those trying to lose weight and those who aren't). My husband always tells me not to talk about it in front of his mother because she's overweight (mind you, she's wearing a size smaller than me now) but I don't see her as big, just myself as big. But, I know when my super skinny friends talk about going on a diet or trying to lose weight I feel like a big ol' blob...so I get it. I think my negative thinking and talking definitely affects my weight loss and if I were more positive, I would see positive outcomes, not to mention it may encourage others to think more positively about themselves. Once again, great post and thanks for opening my eyes!