So disheartening for those of us VERY overweight :(

whyflysouth

I can understanding how it can be hurtful, but at the same time the problem lies in the fact that there's a huge hurdle in front of all of us that is: None of us look good enough until we look like the people on tv and magazine covers.

If you're a guy you've got nearly no body fat, large muscles, broad chest, shoulders, six-pack, etc. And if you're a woman it's got to be that difficult medium where you've got medium-to-largish breasts, but somehow just enough fat to round out the edges and give you smooth look.

If you're too skinny, you're not good enough, and it's way too easy to be fat also.

And honestly, for the majority of us, even when we reach our MFP "goal weights", we'll still be too fat or not muscular enough, or whatever when we compare ourselves to the television "standard"

Yet we seem to live with that, right? I guess ultimately I'm OK with the awareness that to get close to such a standard it'll probably take around 5 years of full-on dedication, and I'm not sure I want to commit to such a thing. So if we're ok with not reaching the hollywood standard, why should we have a problem with not reaching our friend's standard that they've set for themselves?

If they think their fat at their weight, that's them with their body - you're body isn't their body, it's yours, you have a standard you've set for yourself, and your concern should be to reach it. Afterall, why not be happy with where your body is right at this minute, why feel the need to lose a pound more than you've lost so far? If the real reason it hurts is because ultimately you'd like to be in that situation that they are in, then change your goal. Make you're goal to reach 130 instead of 230. It's possible, it just means you need to adjust your timeline. I mean ultimately for myself, I want my body to be in a condition which pleases me, it means this is going to take a while, but that's cool, b/c I'm planning on living for long enough that the investment will be worth it.

cerdmann

Chris - I do agree with you. It is very hurtful to hear negative comments about anyone's appearance, even if you are talking about yourself. We are all on this journey together -- whether we have 10 pounds or 100+ pounds to lose. And each of us (every single one of us!) is trying to do the right thing - to be healthy and happy! I don't believe people say negative things about themselves to hurt others. In fact, I know it's more about wanting someone to tell them that they are wrong (oh, you're not so bad ...). They want verifcation that they aren't too fat, or too ugly, or too gross. Let's all agree that none of us are too anything! We are wonderful, caring people and we should support each other and ourselves on this journey. Before saying anything negative (about weight or otherwise), STOP, THINK, REEVALUATE! Is this something I would want to hear if someone else said it out loud within my ear shot? If not, don't say it. It would be great if we could all stop thinking negative things, but that's an entirely different mindset all together. Trying to turn your negative thoughts around. What's the flip side of this negative comment? Can I say something positive and supporting instead? As for me, I just want to say thanks to all to have given me support, especially when the times are tough! Best wishes,
Cheryl

JulieSue

oh wow!!! This topic was soo very interesting to read!!! ) and I realized that I do the same thing that many people here were talking about on both spectrums and I never really realized it until right now!!! I am very negative when it comes to myself and I can honestly say that I do not judge the person beside me!!! The reason I can say this is that my boyfriend is bigger than me and when I say things that are negative he will make the comment to me "Hun if you think you are a f&^ *kitten* then what do you think of me?" and honestly I do not think anything negative about him at all or anyone I honestly am just talking about how I feel about myself but in the same sentence I know that I have gotten my feelings hurt over the same thing and have made comments to some of my friends about things they have said to hurt my feelings (and I didnt relize that I may be hurting my boyfriends feelings or someone elses feelings!!) One of my besties will say "Man I am a cow" and then make some comments about the size of her jeans when mine is double hers...and I will say back to her "Well if you think you are a cow then I'd hate to think what animal you think of me" and then she will say "I never think that about you" and then I respond with "umm my jeans are double yours" soooooo now its kinda like the light bulb has been turned on!!! LOL I have a very big problem with being negative and getting my feelings hurt easily!!! soo wow...thanks for bringing this to my attention!! I do feel like here we should be able to say how we feel...if we cant say it here and get the support we need and say how we really feel!!! This is our place to do that!!! but yes we should be more sensitive of other people around us BUT at the same time remember that everyone is critical of themselves and will be and that doesnt mean they are critical of you!!!

Thanks!!!!

dawnna76

OTOH - let's be realistic too. Now if your friend weighs 180 pounds, and she'd like to weigh 140 pounds, she might still feel that she has a way to go. Now I'll agree with you that she should not cry to her 300 pound friend about how she's a cow at 180,,, but the friend (who would love to be at 180, I know) should still be a little understanding that her friend still has a ways to go and is allowed to vent a bit. Otherwise, nobody but the biggest person around gets to talk about their journey, and that would suck.


Does that make sense to anybody else? Did my filter just fail again? If it did I'm sorry,,,

This exactally!

Everyone thats has weight to lose wether it be 2 pounds or 200 pounds feels the same way in thier journey.

We as individuals have to not take others thoughts and things they say and twist them into our own inner voice. When your friend that has 20 pounds to lose comments on her struggles and how she feels, it has nothing at all to do with your struggles and how you feel. You just make it that way.

Like the post above If everyone but the biggest person in the room is not allowed to speak freely about themselves, others could miss out on a gret motivator or hearing from someone who resembles themselves and starting thier own change.

So like I said wether its 2 pounds or 200 pounds the journey is all the same.

Nina74

It's hard to go to the gym and see a room full of people who don't look like they need to lose a single pound. Who knows what is going on in their heads though.

That's why it's really important to pick a gym YOU feel comfortable at. I go to a gym near home, all women, with woman all shapes, sizes and ages. I talk to them all. Would I go to the gym near my work in downtown? Absolutely not! Why? Because they are all the finance/lawyer/superfit overachiever people that I have to deal with all day at work. It's really important that you feel comfortable at your gym.

chandnikhondji

I totally agree with that has been said no matter how high the weight is to loose that the way is the same and we all have our struggles. I did never say that this is not the case, and i would never forbid anyone to rant and vent about anything, matter how high the hurdle is.

But that i would not forbid and understand that everyone has their struggles and i know it is not about me, it is about themselves BUT that does NOT change how i feel about it when i hear it. Does that make sense? To KNOW and to FEEL are two very very different things. I KNOW all that but does not change the way I FEEL Though i do not put my feelings above what they feel when i hear the rants and venting and let them rant and vent even if i feel bad with that, that goes over. I'm not the center of the universe, that's fine

Just felt like adding this to my former post...

badrianne

I am not going to say much in this thread. But I will say I am sorry that you feel that way. However, you should not internalize others' issues. Just because someone feels a certain way about themselves, does not mean that they see the same in you (and if they do who cares).

I mean this lovingly. I do not give much value to other individuals perception of my physical appearance. There are always people who have something to say/don't like you/want to see you fail. It is SELF-esteem and they are lacking it.

I hope no one here lets the diminished self-image of others tarnish the mental peace and love that they have for themselves.

Blessings

tamalea

I really don't want to sound insensitive, and I apologize if I do. I have watched what I eat and exercised for the last 20 years of my life. I worked hard after each one of my three children to get back in shape. When I hit forty that constant 10 lb battle became a 20 lb one. I joined weight watchers when I had 15 lbs to lose, became a lifetime member (paying right now) and continue to weigh in. I have belonged to Curves for years and have consistently walked.

I get so many comments asking why I worry about my weight, I hear comments about skinny girls at weight watchers, or why do you drink diet - your not fat. It is so discouraging to hear people saying these things. I don’t understand why they cannot see how hard I have worked. No offense to anyone, but sometimes people with a lot to lose can also be insensitive to us who do not. I respect how hard they will have to work; I wish in return I can be respected for how hard I have worked.

Heck I get upset when anyone talks negative about themselves; you have to love yourself to take care of yourself. Save the names for your mother-in-law (mine thinks I am crazy for always eating “diet” food).

HealthyChanges2010

never mind:flowerforyou:

Tamishumate

"

Do you realize when you are around your friends/family who ARE FAT and you are complaining about being 5-10 pounds overweight, and how ugly you look? So what do we look like to you?



Sorry...rant over.....

I understand how you feel, I do, I was that very overweight person not too long ago , and I have lost my weight following MFP, counting my calories and sweating my butt off . BUT, I have to say, I dont agree with you at all here on this one. I learned thru a dear friend that her wanting to lose her last 10 pounds means just as much to her as my wanting to lose 70 pounds ( I was around needing to lose that when we became friends) She didnt think I looked gross, or ugly, she was focusing on her body and how she felt , and she wanted to lose those 10 pounds!! I learned thru her how it is all just as important to us all. So lets not minimize when someone is trying to lose 10 pounds, Are you going to look at me now and wonder how I can complain about my last 15 pounds? No, I dont think you are, not when you see my pictures and see how far I have come, you will be happy for me that I reach my goal weight( at least I think you will).

If this was already address, I am sorry, I didnt read it all, I want to eat my dinner lol :happy:

lexicalabrese

I had to think twice before responding...sometimes it's hard to write things down on here and not to upset someone...and I don't think that's ever anyones intention. But I thought I would reply for a few reasons.

Firstly, there are two sides to every story!! While I fully appreciate how you can feel hurt when reading comments such as those you mention, it is also difficult for those with only a little weight to lose. Okay, it's bad to generalize - but usually, those that have more to lose make quicker progress - so when a "lighter" person sees a "heavier" person consistently loses 3/4lbs a week - and they lose nothing, or 0.5lbs, this is also upsetting. While everyone is greatly motivated by others successes and are truly proud of their MFP friends achievements - it is human nature for there to be that little part of you that thinks "what about me, I'm working hard too" - especially if you spend every night in the gym!?

Secondly, I don't think anyone - regardless of how much weight they have to lose - should have to consider too much what they write when talking about THEMSELVES. When giving advice/comparing situations, for sure. But everyone, big, small, old, young, can have days when they feel so miserable that they hate the sight of themselves in the mirror - as well as those wonderful days when you feel on top of the world. If someone is on a down day...perhaps it should be their right to have a little rant about how "Gross and Fat" they feel, even if they weigh as much as one of my thighs?? :laugh:

I'm really happy your post ended on a positive and you don't feel as though MFP has got you down - because that's not the idea at all!! And I'm not disagreeing with you in any way - I can see that you could easily feel like that. But I just think that we are all individual - what is right for one person is never going to be right for another - even amongst siblings, so never mind friends, so if someone makes a negative comment about themselves on paper, it shouldn't be directly comparable to YOU, because there are a million and one other reasons behind their feelings.

Just so you know...I do probably fall into your 'only a bit over-weight' category, but I have been VERY over weight before. I will still make negative comments about myself (usually my stomach..don't get me started) but can also recognize my good bits. I'd like to think that I have never upset anyone with my comments - and would be truly mortified if I had. MFP is about supporting people to a new, healthy lifestyle regardless of their weight loss objectives, I'm really happy to be a part of it! :happy:

I agree 100% with everything Jax said lol.

I have posted something along the lines of what you were describing, OP. In my Weight Loss Journey photos, I posted my before picture and said something along the lines of "Here I was at 180 pounds, my heaviest ever and so out of shape." (I am paraphrasing here, I don't remember precisely what I said and am too lazy to go back and look :laugh: )

Anyway, my comment was NOT in any way meant to say "Ew, everyone at 180 pounds sucks," it was meant to say that there I was at 180 pounds, the biggest I have ever ever ever ever been and the unhealthiest I have ever been. If 180 pounds is your goal and the healthiest you've ever been, THAT IS AMAZING! You cannot cannot cannot cannot let someone else's comments or views of their body get you down. For me to say I was gross at 180 does not mean that YOU at 180 pounds isn't incredible, inspiring, healthy and amazing!

Nobody defines you but you :flowerforyou:

bowbee

I can understanding how it can be hurtful, but at the same time the problem lies in the fact that there's a huge hurdle in front of all of us that is: None of us look good enough until we look like the people on tv and magazine covers.

And that is a completely unattainable goal for everyone!!! Even those models don't look like that....it's photoshop, airbrushing, lighting, makeup, and photography skills! It is so unfortunate that society has skewed our idea of healthy and beautiful by putting out this completely unrealistic goal.

CasperO

For me to say I was gross at 180 does not mean that YOU at 180 pounds isn't incredible, inspiring, healthy and amazing!

Nobody defines you but you :flowerforyou:

:drinker: :drinker: :drinker: Hear! Hear! :drinker: :drinker: :drinker: