Spousal abuse from a male perspective
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i like being abused any takers LOL if a guy told me his wife abuses him id kick his *kitten*
And this is what being part of the problem looks like, ladies and gentlemen.
exactly....
i have a friend that is being abused. two weeks ago she got angry enough to throw a skillet at his head.
luckily he ducked, cause she threw it hard enough that the handle broke off when it hit the door. It also put a huge hole in the door.
Her abuse is becoming more and more public. So people know.
But he won't leave, because years of being told by HER that he's one big giant p@ssy has convinced him that if he even tries to admit he's abused then he really IS a *****....
funny though, I think he's one of the strongest men I know...the pure *kitten* he takes from her is amazing...you have to be made of steel to take all of that and still project a happy, successful man to your friends, your kids and everyone else.
I hope he finds the strength to leave someday.
The other problem with men who are abused, is that when children are involved they know that if they leave, (and the wives won't leave they just won't) then the odds of the courts awarding custody to the mom (even with documented abuse) is a higher probability than it SHOULD be...and they would rather stay and protect, than leave and risk the mom having alone time with the kids. At all.
it's a troubling problem.
In San Diego, CA, at least, there is a pretty good chance of men being taken seriously when they come into the courts and file DV restraining orders. And the kids DO get put on those orders, so the fathers have 100% physical custody until the moms come to the court and file to get a custody order. Men should absolutely be documenting (with photos), calling the police, filing restraining orders, and aggressively fighting to get their kids. And people should be campaigning to get better training for police who are responding to DV calls and better services in their communities for DV victims generally. There's a great program here through the Family Justice Center, that works in conjunction with the San Diego police department.0 -
Seriously sitting at my desk with tears in my eyes.I don't know much about the male abuse, so I can't say anything constructive about that.
I was, however, in an abusive relationship myself for 4 1/2 AWFUL years. He drank all the time, for days on end and beat me whenever and however he wanted. He held all the power because I lived with him, everything was in his name, he kicked me out constantly and at one point, I lived in my car with my cat at 20 yrs old.
We planned to move back home and had a big party and the next morning, he was still up and drinking. When he came into the bedroom and wanted some, he punched me awake then proceeded to smash my head against the wall when I refused. I tried to get away, he sat on me and began choking me....my last thought before I blacked out was that I should have left long ago because he was killing me....
A few mins later, I came to and he was in the corner of the room, knees drawn up to his chest as he rocked back and forth frantically...I'm pretty sure he thought he HAD killed me and was freaking out because he had finally gone too far. He stared at me in shock as I got up, left the room and locked myself in the bathroom until he left. I went to work, my co-workers nursed my wounds and the next day, I moved home and left his *kitten*, never to look back.
It was the worst thing I've ever experienced in my life and I do have PTSD from it. But with a little counseling and a LOT of love from my friends and family, I have moved on, have an AMAZING husband and son and I am better now.
Have I forgotten it? No. Will I ever get over it? No. I still have nightmares at least once a week, but it used to be 5 nights a week, so I take it for what it is now.
It DOES get better and I hope your friend can get over the mental aspect of what he went thru. It's hard and that's what still gets me, but I am ALIVE and I almost wasn't after that horrific morning....0 -
Fascinating topic and one that's close to home with me, as I interned at a social service agency that had a domestic violence program and worked with some of the victims. The vast majority were women, but I did work with a man who was being physically abused by his wife. I have to speak in generalities because of confidentiality, but it's tough situation for men and was even more so in this case because the wife had a disability that made her look like a sympathetic figure. She had a lot of anger and knew her husband would never strike a female, so he was a convenient target. The only time many women get out of these situations as when the violence turns toward their children. Interestingly, it was the same for him. He finally drew the line and left when she started hitting their child.0
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I've read quite a few studies that showed equal perpetration of abuse by men and women. One reason men do not report is because police will suspect he is the perpetrator and arrest him.0
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I have a friend who has been in this type of relationship and is struggling years after it has ended. Just trying to get an understanding so that I can find ways to help... not sure why anyone would find judgment with this. :huh:
My friend went through it too. He was "hard as nails, rough tough rigger guy"...and I finally had to tell him that when his girlfriend punches him in the throat, that's abuse. Or when she would scream names at him and try and smack him around, that's abuse. I finally had a talk with him and said "I have this female friend, and her spouse punched her in the throat, screams names at her and tries to smack her around"...he realized that it's abuse, no matter if you're male or female. He never openly admitted he was abused, but he did dump her sorry @ss (after they had a child together), went to counseling and totally jumped from the fry pan to the fire with his next relationship. She's not abuse, but she's just as useless and came with serious baggage. There isn't a whole lot you can do to help. After awhile you get sick of listening to what a b!tch the spouse is, and he's not doing anything about it. You basically have to tell him to *kitten* or get off the pot. Lay down the law, and tell him she is no longer welcome around you or your family because she's abusive. Slip him a business card for some counseling, and hopefully he'll get it through is head that this isn't appropriate. If they have kids, mention how damaging this is to the children. Tell him it's his choice to remain, but the kids need to be protected.0 -
I've read quite a few studies that showed equal perpetration of abuse by men and women. One reason men do not report is because police will suspect he is the perpetrator and arrest him.
I don't know if its equal, considering that society has not always given women equal rights with men, but I do agree that it is very highly under-reported.0 -
I have a friend who has been in this type of relationship and is struggling years after it has ended. Just trying to get an understanding so that I can find ways to help... not sure why anyone would find judgment with this. :huh:
My friend went through it too. He was "hard as nails, rough tough rigger guy"...and I finally had to tell him that when his girlfriend punches him in the throat, that's abuse. Or when she would scream names at him and try and smack him around, that's abuse. I finally had a talk with him and said "I have this female friend, and her spouse punched her in the throat, screams names at her and tries to smack her around"...he realized that it's abuse, no matter if you're male or female. He never openly admitted he was abused, but he did dump her sorry @ss (after they had a child together), went to counseling and totally jumped from the fry pan to the fire with his next relationship. She's not abuse, but she's just as useless and came with serious baggage. There isn't a whole lot you can do to help. After awhile you get sick of listening to what a b!tch the spouse is, and he's not doing anything about it. You basically have to tell him to *kitten* or get off the pot. Lay down the law, and tell him she is no longer welcome around you or your family because she's abusive. Slip him a business card for some counseling, and hopefully he'll get it through is head that this isn't appropriate. If they have kids, mention how damaging this is to the children. Tell him it's his choice to remain, but the kids need to be protected.
Thank you, but the relationship has already ended. His problem is moving on from it.0 -
Anyways..
I have a friend who just got arrested because his girlfriend came home drunk and kicked his *kitten*
Black eyes and everything. Then I see him on FB posting today "I love her!"..It al depends on the person and how strong they are as well as how they feel they should be treated.
It is such a hard thing to see your friend go through. Good luck for sure.
Edit: They both got arrested because her in CT if someone calls about domestic violence, noth get taken in for questioning.0 -
I've read quite a few studies that showed equal perpetration of abuse by men and women. One reason men do not report is because police will suspect he is the perpetrator and arrest him.
I don't know if its equal, considering that society has not always given women equal rights with men, but I do agree that it is very highly under-reported.
http://www.csulb.edu/~mfiebert/assault.htm Here are some studies to show equal perpetration.0 -
I know of a guy who ended up committing suicide because of long term abuse.0
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I know of a guy who ended up committing suicide because of long term abuse.
Davis. R. L. (2010). Domestic Violence-related deaths. Journal of Aggression, Conflict, and Peace Research, 2 (2), 44-52. (A review article which examines domestic violence-related suicides. Author concludes that "when domestic violence-related suicides are combined with domestic homicides, the total numbers of domestic violence-related deaths are higher for males than females.")0 -
Many years ago, my ex-wife, who is bi-polar, was what many would consider abusive. At that point in my life I tried to be the "perfect" husband. I was the one who bought flowers and gifts for no reason, brought breakfast to her in bed, told her that when I got home from work, it was my job to take care of our infant son, change him, bath him, feed him, even get up in the middle of the night with him. It never was enough. I was constantly berated, cussed at, yelled at, etc. One time I was sent to the store after a can of corn, which she specifically asked for, and when I got home with it she yelled at me, told me she wanted green beans and threw the can at my head. I put up with it probably because my brother is bi-polar and I was "used to it."
After we divorced, because, apparently, our marriage interfered with her dating life, I thought that I would get back with her at a moments notice if she "would let me." It didn't take long for me to realize that it was better that we tried to be friends and nothing more. We had one son together and I ended up getting him because she kept moving in with one boyfriend or another, changing my sons school districts, so I've had him full time since he was 7 ...he is now graduated.
The main thing that happened to me was that I woke up and realized that I was worth more than a door mat and I don't let anyone walk all over me for any reason anymore. While I can be the best friend you'll ever have and I will help you bury a body no questions asked, if you try to cross me or walk all over me, we are done. While this is good for me in many ways, I will admit that the whole experience with my first wife has made me a little more cynical and to be honest, a little more selfish than I once was.
This is my fiance to a T. When I met him I didn't think we'd work because she was such a b!tch to him. He just got custody of his 5 year old boy. 6 years later, she died of a drug overdose, and I've been helping him raise his child. My fiance tells me every day what an amazing woman I am, and I tell him every day how proud I am of him. But neither of us take any *kitten*. We work hard to be the best spouse we can be for each other, because we've both learned that anything less is a waste of time. He said he no longer dates "crazy". I can see he's still a little damaged from the amount of crap he went through with his ex, but he's an amazing person, and I'm lucky to have him.0 -
That happened to a relative. He found out his wife was cheating and confronted her. She started hitting him and he called the cops. She cried abuse and they arrested him. He's a huge guy (6'6" at least) so no one would believe that she was assaulting him.I know... I'm actually a DV victim myself. I fled to a domestic violence shelter so therapy was provided for me, and like you said, it's different for men. Most men are already reluctant to get therapy when they need it, but its like admitting that being abused by a woman is a blow to their ego so they avoid therapy.
It's less ego, but more knowing that nobody will believe you or help out. All it takes for the woman to lie, and suddenly you're the abuser.
Let's say your wife does something like... throw a hammer at you. What do you? Call the cops? Hit back? Either way, you're in jail for the night. So you do nothing.0 -
double post0
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Having to co-parent in this kind of post-divorce dynamic really complicates the #$%^ out of an already horribly complicated, painful situation. For people with PTSD, it also affords plenty of opportunities to be triggered and really interferes with healing. Having to see your abuser and be civil to them repeatedly for years means you STILL aren't "free".
*THIS*0 -
I used to hit my man, who is twice my size (6' 200ish lbs) until one day he hit me back (don't worry, I survived and I deserved it) and told me that from now on every time I hit him, he'd hit me back. So, um, I stopped hitting him. I think most women do this with the assumption he won't strike back. I thought it was fair he hit me back: self defense. If the woman started it, she shouldn't be crying that he abused her. But I do see why men are afraid to retaliate especially if they're much bigger. Sympathy always goes to the woman even if she flips it on the man.0
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Bumping just to continue the conversation. If anybody recommends any resources, I would welcome them. Thanks again.0
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A girl beating a man what kind of gobble dee gook is this ?0
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A girl beating a man what kind of gobble dee gook is this ?
Careful... those type of comments have already been removed from this thread.0 -
^^^This^^^ and there are substantial societal assumptions/biases that make people question the validity of emotional abuse period, let alone the idea of men being victimized by their wives. Add to this a cultural indoctrination that says big boys don't cry and real men never admit weakness.I've read quite a few studies that showed equal perpetration of abuse by men and women. One reason men do not report is because police will suspect he is the perpetrator and arrest him.
Family courts are openly biased toward women as there is an assumption mothers are somehow (magic?) more competent and nurturing than fathers. Most fathers are lucky if they can get shared custody in a divorce situation and it is almost unheard of for a father to be awarded full custody unless he can demonstrate gross negligence and/or abusive behaviours by the mother.
Good luck with your friend, UsedToBeHusky...
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^^^This^^^ and there are substantial societal assumptions/biases that make people question the validity of emotional abuse period, let alone the idea of men being victimized by their wives. Add to this a cultural indoctrination that says big boys don't cry and real men never admit weakness.I've read quite a few studies that showed equal perpetration of abuse by men and women. One reason men do not report is because police will suspect he is the perpetrator and arrest him.
Family courts are openly biased toward women as there is an assumption mothers are somehow (magic?) more competent and nurturing than fathers. Most fathers are lucky if they can get shared custody in a divorce situation and it is almost unheard of for a father to be awarded full custody unless he can demonstrate gross negligence and/or abusive behaviours by the mother.
Good luck with your friend, UseToBeHusky...
Thank you. I think he will be okay. It's going to take some time, but I think I can point him in the right direction.0 -
Never mind. It's never worth discussing here
PM me then....
This thread is amazing. And it is making me cry. I know two men whom I love dearly who are in abusive relationships with women. One isn't allowed to speak to me at all...and there is nothing I can do. The other...I struggle with how to talk to him about it. I have spent the last two days trying to work up the guts to call him up and say "the stories you tell me about your girlfriend bother me. If you were a girl and she were a guy, I would be telling you to GTFO before he starts punching. I'm not sure that I should feel different just because you are a guy and she is a girl." That's all I have come up with. I know he is going to tell me that she isn't that bad. And it is forseeable that he won't be allowed to talk to me anymore (because that is what abusers do, they isolate you).
Breaks my goddamned heart.
:brokenheart:
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A girl beating a man what kind of gobble dee gook is this ?
this is a totally ignorant thing to say and exactly part of the problem.
Get yer head out of yer bum.
http://www.datehookup.com/content-dangerous-dating-when-men-are-abused-by-female-partners.htm0 -
Having to co-parent in this kind of post-divorce dynamic really complicates the #$%^ out of an already horribly complicated, painful situation. For people with PTSD, it also affords plenty of opportunities to be triggered and really interferes with healing. Having to see your abuser and be civil to them repeatedly for years means you STILL aren't "free." I am FINALLY able to see a light at the end of the tunnel, since one kid has turned 18 and the other is nearly 17. I just have to interact with "the monster" for another year or so.
My boyfriend's ex-wife was (still is) verbally and physically abusive, and she threw things at him (like a hot pan from the stove) while he was holding one of their children. She accused him of abusing her during their divorce proceedings, and she also accused me of abusing the children once she found out he had moved on to a sane woman. You are right, divorce doesn't end the abuse, stress, or frustration.
Now I have the joy of this woman stalking me, following me in her car when I go running, etc. It is no less disturbing just because it is a woman performing the violent and obsessive behavior.0 -
I keep hoping some advice will pop up that helps. I basically feel like I can't do anything for these guys. A girl, I could take out to dinner and tell her she can stay with me if she needs to and I'm her friend no matter what.
A guy, well, I don't even know if I can call him because well,,,, i'm a girl and that is exactly why he can't talk to me.0 -
I keep hoping some advice will pop up that helps. I basically feel like I can't do anything for these guys. A girl, I could take out to dinner and tell her she can stay with me if she needs to and I'm her friend no matter what.
A guy, well, I don't even know if I can call him because well,,,, i'm a girl and that is exactly why he can't talk to me.
Is this the only demand, or is she truly abusive to him in other ways? It is not uncommon for couples to agree that there not be certain sorts of communication with the opposite sex. If she is only asking that he not communicate with girls, then it is up to him to either honor that request or try to work out some compromise with her whereby she would feel safe with the level of communication. Unfortunately you aren't in any position to do anything about it, except be there if and when he wants to talk about it or about anything.0 -
this is my 2 cents, while you should have never had hit him, he should have never hit back. Abuse is wrong and there is no excuse for it.I used to hit my man, who is twice my size (6' 200ish lbs) until one day he hit me back (don't worry, I survived and I deserved it) and told me that from now on every time I hit him, he'd hit me back. So, um, I stopped hitting him. I think most women do this with the assumption he won't strike back. I thought it was fair he hit me back: self defense. If the woman started it, she shouldn't be crying that he abused her. But I do see why men are afraid to retaliate especially if they're much bigger. Sympathy always goes to the woman even if she flips it on the man.0 -
I keep hoping some advice will pop up that helps. I basically feel like I can't do anything for these guys. A girl, I could take out to dinner and tell her she can stay with me if she needs to and I'm her friend no matter what.
A guy, well, I don't even know if I can call him because well,,,, i'm a girl and that is exactly why he can't talk to me.
Is this the only demand, or is she truly abusive to him in other ways? It is not uncommon for couples to agree that there not be certain sorts of communication with the opposite sex. If she is only asking that he not communicate with girls, then it is up to him to either honor that request or try to work out some compromise with her whereby she would feel safe with the level of communication. Unfortunately you aren't in any position to do anything about it, except be there if and when he wants to talk about it or about anything.
Well.... I will tell you that one of these men is my brother and there is no logical reason to forbid my brother from talking to his sisters. I wouldn't be able to tell you more because he is not allowed to speak to me (or my sisters).... But that is some seriously weird ****.
The other situation- I suspect it teeters on abuse- but if he isn't allowed to speak to me I guess I will have to just accept that and hope it all works out. In the end, it is his choice and I respect his choice. I just would feel a lot better if I could say to him that I am worried about him, rather than feel like I was a do nothing bystander.0 -
Just a thought but have you considered telling your brother (and possibly the other guy) something like asking their advice. IE:I keep hoping some advice will pop up that helps. I basically feel like I can't do anything for these guys. A girl, I could take out to dinner and tell her she can stay with me if she needs to and I'm her friend no matter what.
A guy, well, I don't even know if I can call him because well,,,, i'm a girl and that is exactly why he can't talk to me.
"Can I get some advice from you about something serious? I have a friend, someone who I care about deeply, who seems like she is stuck in a pretty horrid situation. I don't know if there is physical abuse but I've seen emotional abuse, social exclusive and really freaky controlling stuff. I don't know how to bring the subject up since she kinda pretends it's okay. What do you think?"
Once the conversation gets rolling, then point out that it is HE that you are worried about... and see where it goes...
At the end of the day (and as was mentioned earlier in the thread) you cannot help them; they must help themselves. There are none so blind as those who refuse to see and until they perceive the manipulation and abuse for what it is, they will remain trapped in the situation.
Here comes the kicker... If they don't "get" what you're talking about, you need to disengage... otherwise you will become part of the problem rather than part of the solution. Let them know you care, mourn in your heart but back away.0
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