Spousal abuse from a male perspective
UsedToBeHusky
Posts: 15,228 Member
in Chit-Chat
Heavy topic... but I'm curious. Are there any men out there that will admit to having been abused by their wife (or ex-wife)? How did it affect you? Did you get therapy? Are you still affected by it? How did it affect your future relationships if you are divorced?
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I have a friend who has been in this type of relationship and is struggling years after it has ended. Just trying to get an understanding so that I can find ways to help... not sure why anyone would find judgment with this. :huh:0
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I have a former colleague and friend that went through this. He was significantly bigger than his wife but refused to hit back. It culminated in her berating him and punching him in the face in the middle of a hotel lobby while on a trip to Vegas. They divorced shortly after that and he's now happily remarried. I'm just surprised he put up with it for as long as he did.0
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I have a former colleague and friend that went through this. He was significantly bigger than his wife but refused to hit back. It culminated in her berating him and punching him in the face in the middle of a hotel lobby while on a trip to Vegas. They divorced shortly after that and he's now happily remarried. I'm just surprised he put up with it for as long as he did.
Yeah... similar story here... except this guy is struggling with it. I realize this kind of thing affects people in different ways, but how do you convince someone that they need help? Particularly a man...0 -
Very interesting post and I will be keen to see the other replies.
My brother is in a relationship at the moment which I think is abusive. More emotional than physical as far as I can tell, but who knows. I am desperate for him to get out, but unfortunately I think it's a helpless cause until the person themselves say they've had enough.
I hope you find a way to help your friend - they are lucky to have you looking out for them. :flowerforyou:0 -
Heavy topic... but I'm curious. Are there any men out there that will admit to having been abused by their wife (or ex-wife)? How did it affect you? Did you get therapy? Are you still affected by it? How did it affect your future relationships if you are divorced?
I was verbally abused quite a bit. I put up with it for a long time, I always assumed it was just something I should take and accept. Every little thing would send her off the deep end.
No therapy, and I kicked the person to the curb.0 -
After living in an abusive marriage for several years, I can say the best way to deal with it is to talk about it. He has got to not blame himself for the "abuse" and remember there are good women out there that will treat him right. I had a really hard time getting over the control factor after leaving my husband. I actually moved to another state for 12 years. The guy I started dating and am now married to had to remind me that I had started controlling him and acted as though I had to tell/ask him anytime I did anything. It will get better. It just takes a very long time. And you never get over it. It made me stronger0
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Heavy topic... but I'm curious. Are there any men out there that will admit to having been abused by their wife (or ex-wife)? How did it affect you? Did you get therapy? Are you still affected by it? How did it affect your future relationships if you are divorced?
I was verbally abused quite a bit. I put up with it for a long time, I always assumed it was just something I should take and accept. Every little thing would send her off the deep end.
No therapy, and I kicked the person to the curb.
Been missing you around here. :flowerforyou:0 -
I worked in a DV clinic interviewing victims to help them write up their declarations to the judge for restraining orders. I think there is a lot more DV against men than is reported. A few things I noticed. Men in physically abusive relationships tended to stay, downplay the violence, and put up with it because they were big strong guys and figured they could "just take it." They also tended to feel a lot of compassion for the abusive women-- feel sorry for them because they had "problems," or came from abusive families, "didn't know better," etc. For some reason, a lot of these guys were stabbed by their wives or girlfriends. That seemed to be a pattern with female abusers.
They were all really nice guys; they thought they were helping by staying in an abusive relationship. I don't know how they fared afterwards, but anyone who has been in an abusive relationship needs plenty of time to process what happened, figure out why they were in that situation, and heal. There should be local resources for DV victims, and your friend should really seek out some support. People end up with PTSD from DV. It's not something to ignore just because the victim is a man. The psychological trauma DV does is serious, and victims really should get some kind of therapy to help them sort it out.0 -
I have a former colleague and friend that went through this. He was significantly bigger than his wife but refused to hit back. It culminated in her berating him and punching him in the face in the middle of a hotel lobby while on a trip to Vegas. They divorced shortly after that and he's now happily remarried. I'm just surprised he put up with it for as long as he did.
Yeah... similar story here... except this guy is struggling with it. I realize this kind of thing affects people in different ways, but how do you convince someone that they need help? Particularly a man...
It can be extremely difficult to convince someone they need help, especially a man. (and I say that simply from the stigma of men seeking help) Overall, it is up to the person to decide that *they need help, but it *is pretty awesome if they have a support system.
ETA* (not enough coffee
) 0 -
I have a former colleague and friend that went through this. He was significantly bigger than his wife but refused to hit back. It culminated in her berating him and punching him in the face in the middle of a hotel lobby while on a trip to Vegas. They divorced shortly after that and he's now happily remarried. I'm just surprised he put up with it for as long as he did.
Yeah... similar story here... except this guy is struggling with it. I realize this kind of thing affects people in different ways, but how do you convince someone that they need help? Particularly a man...
Something will eventually click but let him talk if he's so inclined. It's a pretty humiliating thing to go through as it flies in the face of everything most men are taught about relationships with women. He may have some deeply rooted issues from growing up, or he may simply be a guy in love with his wife who is very confused by what is happening. Just let him talk and he may eventually realize that she isn't going to change. Or she'll continue to get worse and then he'll leave.0 -
I know someone who was in a relationship like this, too. I can't imagine how frustrating it must be for a man because it's not just that they can't hit back. They can't do ANYTHING that would leave any kind of mark on a woman. Even just trying to restrain her could put bruises on her, and good luck explaining to the cops why she has bruises and you have scratches all over your face.0
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On a lighter note, I feel husbands are verbally abused every day...........................................we just don't hear it.:laugh:
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
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Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
I worked in a DV clinic interviewing victims to help them write up their declarations to the judge for restraining orders. I think there is a lot more DV against men than is reported. A few things I noticed. Men in physically abusive relationships tended to stay, downplay the violence, and put up with it because they were big strong guys and figured they could "just take it." They also tended to feel a lot of compassion for the abusive women-- feel sorry for them because they had "problems," or came from abusive families, "didn't know better," etc. For some reason, a lot of these guys were stabbed by their wives or girlfriends. That seemed to be a pattern with female abusers.
They were all really nice guys; they thought they were helping by staying in an abusive relationship. I don't know how they fared afterwards, but anyone who has been in an abusive relationship needs plenty of time to process what happened, figure out why they were in that situation, and heal. There should be local resources for DV victims, and your friend should really seek out some support. People end up with PTSD from DV. It's not something to ignore just because the victim is a man. The psychological trauma DV does is serious, and victims really should get some kind of therapy to help them sort it out.
I know... I'm actually a DV victim myself. I fled to a domestic violence shelter so therapy was provided for me, and like you said, it's different for men. Most men are already reluctant to get therapy when they need it, but its like admitting that being abused by a woman is a blow to their ego so they avoid therapy.0 -
I have a former colleague and friend that went through this. He was significantly bigger than his wife but refused to hit back. It culminated in her berating him and punching him in the face in the middle of a hotel lobby while on a trip to Vegas. They divorced shortly after that and he's now happily remarried. I'm just surprised he put up with it for as long as he did.
Yeah... similar story here... except this guy is struggling with it. I realize this kind of thing affects people in different ways, but how do you convince someone that they need help? Particularly a man...
Something will eventually click but let him talk if he's so inclined. It's a pretty humiliating thing to go through as it flies in the face of everything most men are taught about relationships with women. He may have some deeply rooted issues from growing up, or he may simply be a guy in love with his wife who is very confused by what is happening. Just let him talk and he may eventually realize that she isn't going to change. Or she'll continue to get worse and then he'll leave.
Well... he physically left her years ago, but emotionally... he still holds on. They do have children together so I know that is part of it.0 -
Does your friend perhaps have PTSD? My first marriage was extremely psychologically abusive. About a year after I got out of it, I ended up being diagnosed with PTSD. It's been several years now and I am managing much better but I still take medication and still have issues I have to handle from time to time. I'm in a solid, healthy marriage now with a man who has been a very good sport about helping sort out and put away my baggage.
I hope your friend is able to get on a path toward health and happiness. It's definitely possible, but not something easily done without professional help.0 -
IMO, women physically abusing their husbands are going to be more inclined to physically abusing kids too. That's just from my personal experience and don't know for sure if it's consistent with actual physical abuse therapists.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
IMO, women physically abusing their husbands are going to be more inclined to physically abusing kids too. That's just from my personal experience and don't know for sure if it's consistent with actual physical abuse therapists.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Yeah, I tried to tell him that. :grumble:
He feels that the kids need her.0 -
IMO, women physically abusing their husbands are going to be more inclined to physically abusing kids too. That's just from my personal experience and don't know for sure if it's consistent with actual physical abuse therapists.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
You are right. It's true of most abusers. They move on from the spouse to the children. And even if they don't physically abuse the children, the damage is pretty bad. Watching one parent hit another parent, or seeing bruises on one parent caused by another parent, has lasting effects.
And sadly, the subtle mockery of it among guys only makes it worse. Guys don't say anything because their friends, and online strangers, mock them for it.0 -
I have a friend who was in a physically abusive relationship. He is one of the most level headed and calm guys I have ever known and the woman he was with turned him into a completely different person. He got caught up in the crazy and admitted to me that he shoved her back a few times. I couldn't offer much help to him because he was 1000 miles away but I always encouraged him to get out of the relationship. He was NEVER the type of guy to yell at a woman let alone raise a hand to her. It took him awhile to end it with her but he finally did. He's a little more cynical about women now, it messed with his head for a couple of years. He recently started dating a lovely woman and is incredibly happy. I'm very proud of him, he is one of the most resilient people I have ever met.0
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I worked in a DV clinic interviewing victims to help them write up their declarations to the judge for restraining orders. I think there is a lot more DV against men than is reported. A few things I noticed. Men in physically abusive relationships tended to stay, downplay the violence, and put up with it because they were big strong guys and figured they could "just take it." They also tended to feel a lot of compassion for the abusive women-- feel sorry for them because they had "problems," or came from abusive families, "didn't know better," etc. For some reason, a lot of these guys were stabbed by their wives or girlfriends. That seemed to be a pattern with female abusers.
They were all really nice guys; they thought they were helping by staying in an abusive relationship. I don't know how they fared afterwards, but anyone who has been in an abusive relationship needs plenty of time to process what happened, figure out why they were in that situation, and heal. There should be local resources for DV victims, and your friend should really seek out some support. People end up with PTSD from DV. It's not something to ignore just because the victim is a man. The psychological trauma DV does is serious, and victims really should get some kind of therapy to help them sort it out.
I know... I'm actually a DV victim myself. I fled to a domestic violence shelter so therapy was provided for me, and like you said, it's different for men. Most men are already reluctant to get therapy when they need it, but its like admitting that being abused by a woman is a blow to their ego so they avoid therapy.
It sounds like you're being a supportive friend, and he's at least opening up to you about it, which is great. Just keep talking to him, maybe by bringing up more about your story to him... see what advice and support he gives you, and maybe it'll click with him... I wish there were more resources out there geared towards men.0 -
I have a former colleague and friend that went through this. He was significantly bigger than his wife but refused to hit back. It culminated in her berating him and punching him in the face in the middle of a hotel lobby while on a trip to Vegas. They divorced shortly after that and he's now happily remarried. I'm just surprised he put up with it for as long as he did.
Yeah... similar story here... except this guy is struggling with it. I realize this kind of thing affects people in different ways, but how do you convince someone that they need help? Particularly a man...
Something will eventually click but let him talk if he's so inclined. It's a pretty humiliating thing to go through as it flies in the face of everything most men are taught about relationships with women. He may have some deeply rooted issues from growing up, or he may simply be a guy in love with his wife who is very confused by what is happening. Just let him talk and he may eventually realize that she isn't going to change. Or she'll continue to get worse and then he'll leave.
Well... he physically left her years ago, but emotionally... he still holds on. They do have children together so I know that is part of it.
He'll have to deal with it in his own way. I'm a big one for avoiding the male/female stereotypes but men are wired a bit differently when it comes to our emotions. Therapy may or may not be how he chooses to deal with it. I've been avoiding posting on these topics for a while, but I learned to deal with my own childhood trauma by running, lifting, hiking, etc. I'd rather know that a close friend knows what is going on but understands that I don't really want to "talk" about it much. Just let me vent over a heavy bag and a beer occasionally. Let him take the lead and just be there.0 -
I have a former colleague and friend that went through this. He was significantly bigger than his wife but refused to hit back. It culminated in her berating him and punching him in the face in the middle of a hotel lobby while on a trip to Vegas. They divorced shortly after that and he's now happily remarried. I'm just surprised he put up with it for as long as he did.
Yeah... similar story here... except this guy is struggling with it. I realize this kind of thing affects people in different ways, but how do you convince someone that they need help? Particularly a man...
Something will eventually click but let him talk if he's so inclined. It's a pretty humiliating thing to go through as it flies in the face of everything most men are taught about relationships with women. He may have some deeply rooted issues from growing up, or he may simply be a guy in love with his wife who is very confused by what is happening. Just let him talk and he may eventually realize that she isn't going to change. Or she'll continue to get worse and then he'll leave.
Well... he physically left her years ago, but emotionally... he still holds on. They do have children together so I know that is part of it.
Having to co-parent in this kind of post-divorce dynamic really complicates the #$%^ out of an already horribly complicated, painful situation. For people with PTSD, it also affords plenty of opportunities to be triggered and really interferes with healing. Having to see your abuser and be civil to them repeatedly for years means you STILL aren't "free." I am FINALLY able to see a light at the end of the tunnel, since one kid has turned 18 and the other is nearly 17. I just have to interact with "the monster" for another year or so.0 -
My soon to be ex husband claims he was abused mentally (by me of course) and while I admit I'm no walk in the park- the worst I ever 'lit into him' was when he did things to endanger our children or was a complete slack *kitten* on purpose. Family get together at noon with HIS family? He wakes up at 11 and takes a 30 minute poop, showers and plays on his iPad until we are sufficiently late. Yes, I nagged his *kitten* the entire way.
I believe mental and emotional abuse is a REAL thing- but in some cases the man OR woman is just being a selfish *kitten* and has a very closed perspective. Some people aren't ready for a commited relationship.. there are real struggles involved with living with someone. Don't commit until you KNOW and then stick with it.
All that being said.. as he continues to claim emotional abuse, I was the one sporting the bruises.. which proves how unclear some people really are.
I hope your friend gets help for his issues and the ones brought on by his relationship. I heavily advise Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's been a huge eye opener for me.
Hugs to him!0 -
My soon to be ex husband claims he was abused mentally (by me of course) and while I admit I'm no walk in the park- the worst I ever 'lit into him' was when he did things to endanger our children or was a complete slack *kitten* on purpose. Family get together at noon with HIS family? He wakes up at 11 and takes a 30 minute poop, showers and plays on his iPad until we are sufficiently late. Yes, I nagged his *kitten* the entire way.
I believe mental and emotional abuse is a REAL thing- but in some cases the man OR woman is just being a selfish *kitten* and has a very closed perspective. Some people aren't ready for a commited relationship.. there are real struggles involved with living with someone. Don't commit until you KNOW and then stick with it.
All that being said.. as he continues to claim emotional abuse, I was the one sporting the bruises.. which proves how unclear some people really are.
I hope your friend gets help for his issues and the ones brought on by his relationship. I heavily advise Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's been a huge eye opener for me.
Hugs to him!
Wow! You seem really angry, and not abusive AT ALL. Hope that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy works out for you. They use that on borderlines, right?0 -
It's sad when people sweep male abuse under the rug. Your friend has a lot of emotional turmoil he needs to start working through, and maybe a counselor or therapist is the best route. A person who has no ties to the situation can sometimes be the best alternative.0
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My soon to be ex husband claims he was abused mentally (by me of course) and while I admit I'm no walk in the park- the worst I ever 'lit into him' was when he did things to endanger our children or was a complete slack *kitten* on purpose. Family get together at noon with HIS family? He wakes up at 11 and takes a 30 minute poop, showers and plays on his iPad until we are sufficiently late. Yes, I nagged his *kitten* the entire way.
I believe mental and emotional abuse is a REAL thing- but in some cases the man OR woman is just being a selfish *kitten* and has a very closed perspective. Some people aren't ready for a commited relationship.. there are real struggles involved with living with someone. Don't commit until you KNOW and then stick with it.
All that being said.. as he continues to claim emotional abuse, I was the one sporting the bruises.. which proves how unclear some people really are.
I hope your friend gets help for his issues and the ones brought on by his relationship. I heavily advise Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's been a huge eye opener for me.
Hugs to him!
You...are a peach.0 -
I think it's also harder for men because women's shelters are the prevalent DV help center. One of our friends stayed with us after his girlfriend stabbed him, and none of the local resources for abuse victims were available to him.
All I've found to work (kinda) for either gender is telling the person that the relationship they were in is not normal, healthy or something they deserve, and help them leave the abusive spouse however many times it takes until the separation sticks.0 -
Great blog I read recently (triggered by some photos in a UK national paper of Nigella Lawson - tv chef, being abused by her husband in public) http://aussiedave.livejournal.com/30916.html
I second the abuse moves from partner to child (my mum to me) motion, he needs to protect his kids if he can.0
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