What do you think is the point of comments like this?
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distinctlybeautiful wrote: »distinctlybeautiful wrote: »Thanks, y'all. I'm not worried about it. I just think a lot and got curious about it.
No, you were right.0 -
Why do we,(you, me or anyone else), care what some random statement from some random person (random or not) says about or to us? We do what we do because we want to do it. Everyone does what they want to do because they want to do it. You're the shape you are in because you want to be there. The speaker is in the shape they want to be in. (If they wanted to be in a different shape they would do what is necessary to get there. If they don't do what is necessary, they don't want that shape enough.)
We all get the body we want enough to do something about. What ANYONE says about or to you really makes no difference. Why pay attention, or even acknowledge the remark?
We aren't just stand alone figures in the world. We reflect off of each other. It's hard to admit it, but we all do care what people think about us in some context, whether it is the world at large or just a significant other. And an offhand comment from a stranger can be hurtful.
I agree, and find this is true whether it be any body comment whether we're fat, skinny, or somewhere in between.
Sorry for you. My belief that what I do is best for me (or, at worst, is what I want to do or be) far outweighs what ANYONE else could possibly say. How horrible it must be to be constantly buffetted by random comments, outrageous remarks, hurtful barbs and insults (intended or not) by people you don't know, or barely know, on a daily basis.
If those closest to you are among those cited above, why are they closest to you?
I'll live my own life, consider all information available, make MY choices, and not be bothered by the "opinions" of others. Maybe this is why I'm happy. An offhand comment by a stranger can only be hurtful if you allow it to be. (Perhaps because you know it to be true? In which case, do something about it.)
What the Hay, live the life you want.
Well, that's probably not true. While you might think that you're just 'above it all', you really aren't. It might not be in the same context as everyone else (as in, relative to your physical attributes), but there are certainly aspects of yourself and your life that are reflected off of others' points of view. It might be your house, or your car. It might be your clothes. It might be your political views. It might be your religion. It might even be that cute dog in your avatar. But I guarantee that there is something in your life that is reflective of others' points of view.
You lose.0 -
Argggh she was using you to put herself down and maybe stick a little knife in while she did that.
Too many women think self-deprecation counts as conversation and/or needs to be heard by anyone. Everyone should just stop it.
Wow. It seems to me you may be extrapolating your own experience onto the OP. Pretty intense.
No I'm just sick of hearing women put themselves down. It's a crappy way to talk to anyone and it's a crappy way to be.
http://gawker.com/amy-schumer-can-take-a-compliment-508230146
The video is no longer available anywhere, it's old.
No thanks, don't care to read the link.
I don't see in this thread where any women are putting themselves down.
That said, You can't change other people's behavior, you can only choose how you will react and then choose whether to interact with them in the future (or not).
Unless we are totally closed off from the outside world, we will interact and sometimes people we (meaning if you're a normal person) say really dumb things. People aren't perfect. To me, the situation described by the OP sounds like one of those non-perfect moments where someone said something kind of dumb.
Oh, ok, not interested, up to you.
Yeah, she said something dumb.
You can - I guess? - choose to *not* interact with your coworker, which would be strange, or you can ignore it and let them continue (which is what I usually do), or you can call their attention to their unthinking self-hatred and let them know it's not necessarily a suitable topic for public discussion, or particularly interesting (which is what I'd love to do).
I don't disagree that it's not okay to say things about other people's bodies, and calling someone one it might be the best course of action in some situations, but you're taking the OP's situation and projecting that the other person had self hatred. One silly comment by a person does not mean they hate themselves.
It's either that or skinny shaming, take your pick, and skinny shaming has also got to come from something in that ballpark. There's no other way to make sense of that comment. I trust OP more or less correctly read the tone and nonverbals, since she was there.
Have you never heard this kind of thing from anyone? Here it's basically, "Must be nice, to be able to get pants that fit from a lost and found box [implicit: that would never happen to me, because I'm so big]". It's passive aggressive, it's externalizing that crappy self-talk to others and making it their problem. It's not like it's uncommon.
Honestly what other meaning is there? "People just say completely random words for no reason at all?" Not unless they've got something unusual wrong with them.
People say stupid stuff all the time, usually without thinking. You can shrug it off, take it as a compliment (what I'd do here), or work off a bunch of calories trying to find the worst possible way to take it and get upset (which OP did not do, but you seem to be encouraging). IMO, doing the latter is a good way to be unhappy. (Not saying I never do it -- I probably do it online too often, but I try not to in personal interactions.)
Must be nice to be able to get pants at the lost & found:
(1) Yeah, it is.
(2) You think? I'd rather have an excuse to buy some new ones, but oh, well, these will do.
Some months ago now I ran into a woman I hadn't seen since I was at my fattest and she was shocked and said "oh my God! You must have lost 300 lbs." Since I was never actually near 300 lbs I suppose I could be offended. But my first reaction was to wonder if she later realized what she'd said and been embarrassed (as I would have been, and I hoped she wasn't). Since then I think about it occasionally and just laugh--it kind of makes me happy, not sure why. Point is she clearly said something stupidly, because humans do that.0 -
lemurcat12 wrote: »Argggh she was using you to put herself down and maybe stick a little knife in while she did that.
Too many women think self-deprecation counts as conversation and/or needs to be heard by anyone. Everyone should just stop it.
Wow. It seems to me you may be extrapolating your own experience onto the OP. Pretty intense.
No I'm just sick of hearing women put themselves down. It's a crappy way to talk to anyone and it's a crappy way to be.
http://gawker.com/amy-schumer-can-take-a-compliment-508230146
The video is no longer available anywhere, it's old.
No thanks, don't care to read the link.
I don't see in this thread where any women are putting themselves down.
That said, You can't change other people's behavior, you can only choose how you will react and then choose whether to interact with them in the future (or not).
Unless we are totally closed off from the outside world, we will interact and sometimes people we (meaning if you're a normal person) say really dumb things. People aren't perfect. To me, the situation described by the OP sounds like one of those non-perfect moments where someone said something kind of dumb.
Oh, ok, not interested, up to you.
Yeah, she said something dumb.
You can - I guess? - choose to *not* interact with your coworker, which would be strange, or you can ignore it and let them continue (which is what I usually do), or you can call their attention to their unthinking self-hatred and let them know it's not necessarily a suitable topic for public discussion, or particularly interesting (which is what I'd love to do).
I don't disagree that it's not okay to say things about other people's bodies, and calling someone one it might be the best course of action in some situations, but you're taking the OP's situation and projecting that the other person had self hatred. One silly comment by a person does not mean they hate themselves.
It's either that or skinny shaming, take your pick, and skinny shaming has also got to come from something in that ballpark. There's no other way to make sense of that comment. I trust OP more or less correctly read the tone and nonverbals, since she was there.
Have you never heard this kind of thing from anyone? Here it's basically, "Must be nice, to be able to get pants that fit from a lost and found box [implicit: that would never happen to me, because I'm so big]". It's passive aggressive, it's externalizing that crappy self-talk to others and making it their problem. It's not like it's uncommon.
Honestly what other meaning is there? "People just say completely random words for no reason at all?" Not unless they've got something unusual wrong with them.
People say stupid stuff all the time, usually without thinking. You can shrug it off, take it as a compliment (what I'd do here), or work off a bunch of calories trying to find the worst possible way to take it and get upset (which OP did not do, but you seem to be encouraging). IMO, doing the latter is a good way to be unhappy. (Not saying I never do it -- I probably do it online too often, but I try not to in personal interactions.)
Must be nice to be able to get pants at the lost & found:
(1) Yeah, it is.
(2) You think? I'd rather have an excuse to buy some new ones, but oh, well, these will do.
Some months ago now I ran into a woman I hadn't seen since I was at my fattest and she was shocked and said "oh my God! You must have lost 300 lbs." Since I was never actually near 300 lbs I suppose I could be offended. But my first reaction was to wonder if she later realized what she'd said and been embarrassed (as I would have been, and I hoped she wasn't). Since then I think about it occasionally and just laugh--it kind of makes me happy, not sure why. Point is she clearly said something stupidly, because humans do that.
Of course people say dumb things, and that's actually exactly how I'd respond IRL.
This post just struck me as highlighting a particular kind of crappy dynamic that goes beyond some people saying dumb things on occasion. LIke your (2) is more self-deprecation and self-abasement. That's the expected response & the one required & prompted for (extorted) in order to placate the person dropping the self-pity bomb. I'm not saying people need to go around *gloating*, but women especially waste a lot of time and energy on these kinds of games. As I say, even though I go along with it, it just struck me in this post, for some reason, as a terrible way to waste time.
And your (1) means being asked to deny that person's self-pity/misguided attempt to reach out , which if you're already aware of it and can't ignore that, is another burden.0 -
Why do we,(you, me or anyone else), care what some random statement from some random person (random or not) says about or to us? We do what we do because we want to do it. Everyone does what they want to do because they want to do it. You're the shape you are in because you want to be there. The speaker is in the shape they want to be in. (If they wanted to be in a different shape they would do what is necessary to get there. If they don't do what is necessary, they don't want that shape enough.)
We all get the body we want enough to do something about. What ANYONE says about or to you really makes no difference. Why pay attention, or even acknowledge the remark?
We aren't just stand alone figures in the world. We reflect off of each other. It's hard to admit it, but we all do care what people think about us in some context, whether it is the world at large or just a significant other. And an offhand comment from a stranger can be hurtful.
I agree, and find this is true whether it be any body comment whether we're fat, skinny, or somewhere in between.
Sorry for you. My belief that what I do is best for me (or, at worst, is what I want to do or be) far outweighs what ANYONE else could possibly say. How horrible it must be to be constantly buffetted by random comments, outrageous remarks, hurtful barbs and insults (intended or not) by people you don't know, or barely know, on a daily basis.
If those closest to you are among those cited above, why are they closest to you?
I'll live my own life, consider all information available, make MY choices, and not be bothered by the "opinions" of others. Maybe this is why I'm happy. An offhand comment by a stranger can only be hurtful if you allow it to be. (Perhaps because you know it to be true? In which case, do something about it.)
What the Hay, live the life you want.
While I kinda agree with you, it can be (slightly) confronting when you're faced with comments you never imagined would occur... Not something you've logicked out before. I could not imagine any negativity I've had about my weight loss from unexpected quarters.
I've experienced similar to OP.
I now go with what they say is a projection of where they are. Not what I'm doing. It has annoyed me though for similar sentiments @tomatoey expresses.
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I've made comments like that to my smaller friends and family before. It was never that deep when I did. Usually just a thoughtless comment or harmless teasing. 5 seconds later I forgot about it. Hopefully they did too!0
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This post just struck me as highlighting a particular kind of crappy dynamic that goes beyond some people saying dumb things on occasion. LIke your (2) is more self-deprecation and self-abasement. That's the expected response & the one required & prompted for (extorted) in order to placate the person dropping the self-pity bomb.
I don't see it that way, I guess because I'd be sincere in saying it, although kind of jokey. I mean, it's ridiculous to be "oh, you are SO lucky to be able to get clothes from a lost and found," so I'd feel perfectly fine laughing it off. When I was fat I can promise that I never felt sorry for myself that lost and found clothes weren't available for me. (I didn't actually feel sorry for myself at all.)And your (1) means being asked to deny that person's self-pity/misguided attempt to reach out , which if you're already aware of it and can't ignore that, is another burden.
Well, here, I think taking people at their word and not playing the game (if it is one, and it sometimes is) is useful. For example, when thin people do the "oh, I'm so fat" not playing along. If people who might be jealous do the "oh, you are so thin, are you worried you might be losing too much" just a happy "no, I feel great!" Stuff like that.
I also don't think it's necessarily passive aggressive vs. just people saying dumb stuff or perhaps a disclaimer. I wasn't jealous of thin people or passive aggressive when I was fat (I don't think) but I was always worried people would feel compelled to tell me I was fat or embarrassed to acknowledge it (which felt awkward) so I'd bring it up first and laugh about it. But maybe that felt weird or uncomfortable to others (for me it sometimes felt weird, but not as weird as people possibly thinking I wasn't aware). So I guess I'm more inclined to think self-deprecation is not so terrible even if I wish people didn't feel like it was necessary.
(And I'm really not seeing the current example as an especially egregious one. More a silly thing people say, as I said before. Nor would I ever take someone saying that I was "small" as a negative -- even if in theory I'd like to be strong and fit more than just little.)0 -
Why do we,(you, me or anyone else), care what some random statement from some random person (random or not) says about or to us? We do what we do because we want to do it. Everyone does what they want to do because they want to do it. You're the shape you are in because you want to be there. The speaker is in the shape they want to be in. (If they wanted to be in a different shape they would do what is necessary to get there. If they don't do what is necessary, they don't want that shape enough.)
We all get the body we want enough to do something about. What ANYONE says about or to you really makes no difference. Why pay attention, or even acknowledge the remark?
We aren't just stand alone figures in the world. We reflect off of each other. It's hard to admit it, but we all do care what people think about us in some context, whether it is the world at large or just a significant other. And an offhand comment from a stranger can be hurtful.
I agree, and find this is true whether it be any body comment whether we're fat, skinny, or somewhere in between.
Sorry for you. My belief that what I do is best for me (or, at worst, is what I want to do or be) far outweighs what ANYONE else could possibly say. How horrible it must be to be constantly buffetted by random comments, outrageous remarks, hurtful barbs and insults (intended or not) by people you don't know, or barely know, on a daily basis.
If those closest to you are among those cited above, why are they closest to you?
I'll live my own life, consider all information available, make MY choices, and not be bothered by the "opinions" of others. Maybe this is why I'm happy. An offhand comment by a stranger can only be hurtful if you allow it to be. (Perhaps because you know it to be true? In which case, do something about it.)
What the Hay, live the life you want.
I am not sure who you are replying to, because your posting is out of context as to what both Cindy and I said. Neither one of us said anything about people's comments who are close to us, or that we're not happy. Your comment:(Perhaps because you know it to be true? In which case, do something about it.)
Is jarring if you are referring to the OP and someone telling her she is small.
Those things said, good for you that you don't allow any comments to ever bother you, but that is pretty much outside the realm of human nature.
Unless we are devoid of feeling, and I've never met a single person who didn't have feelings, it's impossible to never be affected by something that someone says to us. However, the responsibility of what how we handle other's comments, and our feelings around them, is 100% on us.
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lemurcat12 wrote: »This post just struck me as highlighting a particular kind of crappy dynamic that goes beyond some people saying dumb things on occasion. LIke your (2) is more self-deprecation and self-abasement. That's the expected response & the one required & prompted for (extorted) in order to placate the person dropping the self-pity bomb.
I don't see it that way, I guess because I'd be sincere in saying it, although kind of jokey. I mean, it's ridiculous to be "oh, you are SO lucky to be able to get clothes from a lost and found," so I'd feel perfectly fine laughing it off. When I was fat I can promise that I never felt sorry for myself that lost and found clothes weren't available for me. (I didn't actually feel sorry for myself at all.)And your (1) means being asked to deny that person's self-pity/misguided attempt to reach out , which if you're already aware of it and can't ignore that, is another burden.
Well, here, I think taking people at their word and not playing the game (if it is one, and it sometimes is) is useful. For example, when thin people do the "oh, I'm so fat" not playing along. If people who might be jealous do the "oh, you are so thin, are you worried you might be losing too much" just a happy "no, I feel great!" Stuff like that.
I also don't think it's necessarily passive aggressive vs. just people saying dumb stuff or perhaps a disclaimer. I wasn't jealous of thin people or passive aggressive when I was fat (I don't think) but I was always worried people would feel compelled to tell me I was fat or embarrassed to acknowledge it (which felt awkward) so I'd bring it up first and laugh about it. But maybe that felt weird or uncomfortable to others (for me it sometimes felt weird, but not as weird as people possibly thinking I wasn't aware). So I guess I'm more inclined to think self-deprecation is not so terrible even if I wish people didn't feel like it was necessary.
(And I'm really not seeing the current example as an especially egregious one. More a silly thing people say, as I said before. Nor would I ever take someone saying that I was "small" as a negative -- even if in theory I'd like to be strong and fit more than just little.)
Yeah, I know, for some people it's a way of coping with anxiety about judgement, it can be reflexively defensive in a thoughtless, "light" kind of way, like a tic, doesn't have to be pointed. And sure, that's understandable.
In that case, it's just awkward, though, almost always, because - please note now that I'm not talking about you, just what I've been dragged into - is the listener expected to disagree with the statement and trip over themselves to lie in a convincing-enough way? Most people suck at that and will come up with various more or less weak compensatory "compliments", and it makes the whole thing even more painful for everyone. It's obviously wrong to agree with the statement. You can't really laugh at it, either (like "oh yeah you know you're right, there actually isn't a place that could seat you here, HAHA" or "Oh sure you look like a trash bag full of ten-year-old trash, HAR HAR). In fact the only really smooth way out of it, as a listener, is to put yourself down, and who needs more of that going around ? (Or, to awkwardly wait for the moment to pass.)
No winners with this one! But yeah, I get why some people do it. Shame, though.
It's the more manipulative variant of that that drives me nuts. Or that I don't like, okay, it doesn't drive me "nuts".0 -
lemurcat12 wrote: »This post just struck me as highlighting a particular kind of crappy dynamic that goes beyond some people saying dumb things on occasion. LIke your (2) is more self-deprecation and self-abasement. That's the expected response & the one required & prompted for (extorted) in order to placate the person dropping the self-pity bomb.
I don't see it that way, I guess because I'd be sincere in saying it, although kind of jokey. I mean, it's ridiculous to be "oh, you are SO lucky to be able to get clothes from a lost and found," so I'd feel perfectly fine laughing it off. When I was fat I can promise that I never felt sorry for myself that lost and found clothes weren't available for me. (I didn't actually feel sorry for myself at all.)And your (1) means being asked to deny that person's self-pity/misguided attempt to reach out , which if you're already aware of it and can't ignore that, is another burden.
Well, here, I think taking people at their word and not playing the game (if it is one, and it sometimes is) is useful. For example, when thin people do the "oh, I'm so fat" not playing along. If people who might be jealous do the "oh, you are so thin, are you worried you might be losing too much" just a happy "no, I feel great!" Stuff like that.
I also don't think it's necessarily passive aggressive vs. just people saying dumb stuff or perhaps a disclaimer. I wasn't jealous of thin people or passive aggressive when I was fat (I don't think) but I was always worried people would feel compelled to tell me I was fat or embarrassed to acknowledge it (which felt awkward) so I'd bring it up first and laugh about it. But maybe that felt weird or uncomfortable to others (for me it sometimes felt weird, but not as weird as people possibly thinking I wasn't aware). So I guess I'm more inclined to think self-deprecation is not so terrible even if I wish people didn't feel like it was necessary.
(And I'm really not seeing the current example as an especially egregious one. More a silly thing people say, as I said before. Nor would I ever take someone saying that I was "small" as a negative -- even if in theory I'd like to be strong and fit more than just little.)
Yeah, I know, for some people it's a way of coping with anxiety about judgement, it can be reflexively defensive in a thoughtless, "light" kind of way, like a tic, doesn't have to be pointed. And sure, that's understandable.
In that case, it's just awkward, though, almost always, because - please note now that I'm not talking about you, just what I've been dragged into - is the listener expected to disagree with the statement and trip over themselves to lie in a convincing-enough way?
I know you said you weren't talking about me, but speaking for myself, absolutely not. That was the point, to take it off the table, not to fish for a compliment or insulting denial (I knew I was fat, so didn't want someone to say "no you aren't" and I generally assume the same about fat people I interact with now, that they would take an obvious lie as rather insulting). So I'd laugh, acknowledge that I was fat (yes, this is awkward even though I was trying for the opposite, but it beat someone thinking I didn't know), and then quickly move on so they wouldn't think a response was desired, because that was the absolute last thing I wanted.
Don't know if seeing it from my side might help in your interactions or not. I do know that not worrying about this kind of thing is one of the delights about not being fat anymore that I'd underestimated before I lost the weight.It's obviously wrong to agree with the statement. You can't really laugh at it, either (like "oh yeah you know you're right, there actually isn't a place that could seat you here, HAHA" or "Oh sure you look like a trash bag full of ten-year-old trash, HAR HAR).
Well, the last isn't what I'm talking about. The first might be true (wasn't for me, but I have a very obese friend for whom it was once), and I think just treating it as factual or not commenting or "man, that sucks, we better go somewhere else" in a subtle way so as not to embarrass the person (NOT "what jerks not to plan for all possible customers, let's go tell them what's what!" obviously). My goal in saying something when fat was always "I'll say it so they don't have to" and so I didn't want them to say anything at all. (And again maybe not smart and maybe messed up, but NOT about you or fishing for anything or passive aggressive.)In fact the only really smooth way out of it, as a listener, is to put yourself down, and who needs more of that going around ? (Or, to awkwardly wait for the moment to pass.)
Again, no, putting yourself down was not wanted and I would never do that now. "You are so thin!" (I'm not, btw, I'm fine) would get "thanks!" or maybe "thanks but stop, you are embarrassing me!" I only put myself down when I mean it sincerely and don't mind sharing: "you are so lucky you can wear those cute clothes." "Thanks, I'm amazed I actually managed to drag myself out shopping and got something new for once." or "You are such a fast runner!" "Not at all, but I'm working on it!"
Edit: just an additional thought -- years ago I had a very blunt friend who said to me when I first started gaining weight and complained that I was getting fat (I wasn't yet, but on my way), "well, if you don't like it, why not lose weight?" I didn't for some time, but that comment was really one of the more helpful and empowering that I received, and I liked it. I thought, "yeah, good point, I'm choosing not to." Not saying that would be a good thing to say to the wrong person, but I also don't think you need to assume that being fat means someone must be coddled or isn't smart enough to know what's what (including not wanting to be lied to or a false compliment). (This is also why I go wild about the idea that we must assume fat people don't know how to eat well or lose weight, etc. Sometimes life is such that they just have other priorities or enjoy their vices.)0 -
I usually kind of agree with the person! In my defense, I thought it would sound patronizing to throw a compliment their way right then, like it's out of pity. And I do chuckle, but I usually just say, "Aw" and sound sympathetic while chuckling (with them, I hope).
That's probably quite an awkward way to handle it, too, but it is the sort of thing so many folks expect you to say something back to. Lemurcat, your perspective is something I'd never thought of. Interesting! I hope my aw!+chuckle would have worked fine for you.0 -
lemurcat12 wrote: »lemurcat12 wrote: »This post just struck me as highlighting a particular kind of crappy dynamic that goes beyond some people saying dumb things on occasion. LIke your (2) is more self-deprecation and self-abasement. That's the expected response & the one required & prompted for (extorted) in order to placate the person dropping the self-pity bomb.
I don't see it that way, I guess because I'd be sincere in saying it, although kind of jokey. I mean, it's ridiculous to be "oh, you are SO lucky to be able to get clothes from a lost and found," so I'd feel perfectly fine laughing it off. When I was fat I can promise that I never felt sorry for myself that lost and found clothes weren't available for me. (I didn't actually feel sorry for myself at all.)And your (1) means being asked to deny that person's self-pity/misguided attempt to reach out , which if you're already aware of it and can't ignore that, is another burden.
Well, here, I think taking people at their word and not playing the game (if it is one, and it sometimes is) is useful. For example, when thin people do the "oh, I'm so fat" not playing along. If people who might be jealous do the "oh, you are so thin, are you worried you might be losing too much" just a happy "no, I feel great!" Stuff like that.
I also don't think it's necessarily passive aggressive vs. just people saying dumb stuff or perhaps a disclaimer. I wasn't jealous of thin people or passive aggressive when I was fat (I don't think) but I was always worried people would feel compelled to tell me I was fat or embarrassed to acknowledge it (which felt awkward) so I'd bring it up first and laugh about it. But maybe that felt weird or uncomfortable to others (for me it sometimes felt weird, but not as weird as people possibly thinking I wasn't aware). So I guess I'm more inclined to think self-deprecation is not so terrible even if I wish people didn't feel like it was necessary.
(And I'm really not seeing the current example as an especially egregious one. More a silly thing people say, as I said before. Nor would I ever take someone saying that I was "small" as a negative -- even if in theory I'd like to be strong and fit more than just little.)
Yeah, I know, for some people it's a way of coping with anxiety about judgement, it can be reflexively defensive in a thoughtless, "light" kind of way, like a tic, doesn't have to be pointed. And sure, that's understandable.
In that case, it's just awkward, though, almost always, because - please note now that I'm not talking about you, just what I've been dragged into - is the listener expected to disagree with the statement and trip over themselves to lie in a convincing-enough way?
I know you said you weren't talking about me, but speaking for myself, absolutely not. That was the point, to take it off the table, not to fish for a compliment or insulting denial (I knew I was fat, so didn't want someone to say "no you aren't" and I generally assume the same about fat people I interact with now, that they would take an obvious lie as rather insulting). So I'd laugh, acknowledge that I was fat (yes, this is awkward even though I was trying for the opposite, but it beat someone thinking I didn't know), and then quickly move on so they wouldn't think a response was desired, because that was the absolute last thing I wanted.
Don't know if seeing it from my side might help in your interactions or not. I do know that not worrying about this kind of thing is one of the delights about not being fat anymore that I'd underestimated before I lost the weight.It's obviously wrong to agree with the statement. You can't really laugh at it, either (like "oh yeah you know you're right, there actually isn't a place that could seat you here, HAHA" or "Oh sure you look like a trash bag full of ten-year-old trash, HAR HAR).
Well, the last isn't what I'm talking about. The first might be true (wasn't for me, but I have a very obese friend for whom it was once), and I think just treating it as factual or not commenting or "man, that sucks, we better go somewhere else" in a subtle way so as not to embarrass the person (NOT "what jerks not to plan for all possible customers, let's go tell them what's what!" obviously). My goal in saying something when fat was always "I'll say it so they don't have to" and so I didn't want them to say anything at all. (And again maybe not smart and maybe messed up, but NOT about you or fishing for anything or passive aggressive.)In fact the only really smooth way out of it, as a listener, is to put yourself down, and who needs more of that going around ? (Or, to awkwardly wait for the moment to pass.)
Again, no, putting yourself down was not wanted and I would never do that now. "You are so thin!" (I'm not, btw, I'm fine) would get "thanks!" or maybe "thanks but stop, you are embarrassing me!" I only put myself down when I mean it sincerely and don't mind sharing: "you are so lucky you can wear those cute clothes." "Thanks, I'm amazed I actually managed to drag myself out shopping and got something new for once." or "You are such a fast runner!" "Not at all, but I'm working on it!"
Edit: just an additional thought -- years ago I had a very blunt friend who said to me when I first started gaining weight and complained that I was getting fat (I wasn't yet, but on my way), "well, if you don't like it, why not lose weight?" I didn't for some time, but that comment was really one of the more helpful and empowering that I received, and I liked it. I thought, "yeah, good point, I'm choosing not to." Not saying that would be a good thing to say to the wrong person, but I also don't think you need to assume that being fat means someone must be coddled or isn't smart enough to know what's what (including not wanting to be lied to or a false compliment). (This is also why I go wild about the idea that we must assume fat people don't know how to eat well or lose weight, etc. Sometimes life is such that they just have other priorities or enjoy their vices.)
Re bolded, it's not about being smart or not, I don't think it has anything to do with rationality. It just doesn't leave people with many options for responses, know what I mean? I understand the intention and why it happens, but the effect of this sort of thing on other people is that it makes them feel awkward and slightly at a loss. (Or not all other people, but many, in my experience and observation). It is not an effective strategy for deflection, imo, even if it's an understandable one. But yeah, this is qualitatively different from the passive aggressive thing I was talking about earlier.
The people who joke about not being able to fit into seats aren't typically the ones who actually can't. I do know someone who struggles with that and I make every effort to be sensitive to her comfort, of course.0
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