I think I'm handling it, but must not be!

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joy4me123
joy4me123 Posts: 7 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
My darling husband was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given 4-6 mos. to live! We have a good attitude and are trying to find joy in each day we have left. I thought we were doing as well as can be expected. He has lost 40 lbs. quickly due to his cancer but I've noticed I've started eating everything in sight and gained 20 lbs. due to my emotions. Help!

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  • caffeinatedcami
    caffeinatedcami Posts: 168 Member
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    My heart goes out to you. You are handling terrible news with strength. The weight gain doesn't necessarily mean that you are not coping. It just means you are human. :) You are in the right place if you want to lose weight. MFP has a lot of great resources! I would just begin by tracking your intake for a while before you start to make changes. Be patient with yourself!
  • MindyBruno
    MindyBruno Posts: 535 Member
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    I am so sorry. Maybe try to take a short walk when your emotions and stress get to you.
  • jkal1979
    jkal1979 Posts: 1,896 Member
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    Sending hugs.

    Are there any support groups in your area? Maybe it would help to have a group of people to talk to that are going through the same thing.
  • pollypocket1021
    pollypocket1021 Posts: 533 Member
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    Oh my goodness. I am so sorry. I cannot imagine the stress or sadness for you and your family.

    Put your weight on the back burner. There are more important things right now. Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Find people to support you.
  • SLLRunner
    SLLRunner Posts: 12,943 Member
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    joy4me123 wrote: »
    My darling husband was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given 4-6 mos. to live! We have a good attitude and are trying to find joy in each day we have left. I thought we were doing as well as can be expected. He has lost 40 lbs. quickly due to his cancer but I've noticed I've started eating everything in sight and gained 20 lbs. due to my emotions. Help!

    I am so sorry. The only advice I have is to talk to friends and family about your emotions, and maybe ask your MD for a referral to a therapy group with members whose spouses have cancer.

  • mylittlerainbow
    mylittlerainbow Posts: 822 Member
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    My beloved husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in August 2009, so I know full well what you've embarked on. You can PM me if you want to talk - I'm happy to reach out to you. Meanwhile, there was a pancreatic cancer support group at Daily Strength that I found VERY helpful (and informative) and also tremendous information at the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network. My heart goes out to you both.
  • snickerscharlie
    snickerscharlie Posts: 8,578 Member
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    pollypocket1021 wrote: »
    Oh my goodness. I am so sorry. I cannot imagine the stress or sadness for you and your family.

    Put your weight on the back burner. There are more important things right now. Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Find people to support you.

    This. ^^^^

    You've got enough on your plate right now. No pun intended.

    I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. :(
  • PeachyCarol
    PeachyCarol Posts: 8,029 Member
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    pollypocket1021 wrote: »
    Oh my goodness. I am so sorry. I cannot imagine the stress or sadness for you and your family.

    Put your weight on the back burner. There are more important things right now. Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Find people to support you.

    So much this. Be kind to yourself right now, and don't add stress to your already stressful situation worrying about your weight.

    I am so sorry you are going through all this.
  • scolaris
    scolaris Posts: 2,145 Member
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    I am soooooo sorry to hear that. I lost my mother to that same cancer in five weeks & a day from diagnosis to death, so I very much relate. She had me as a teen mum so she had just turned 59 that summer as I turned 40. And, i also had just given birth to a baby myself, so we did hospice together: she, me & the baby! I couldn't believe the degree of physical transformation she went through in that brief period of time. She was very youthful & people had always assumed we were sisters but she looked like a tiny wizened forest gnome at the end. You would not have been able to guess she had started in her 50's. I was able to lift her like a small child in the final week or so of her life.
    You need to be very very kind to yourself right now. We all know eating 'all the things' won't solve anything but treat yourself with kindness and dignity when you catch yourself... Don't bully yourself. Your heart is in the process of being broken. You just need to get through this period & pay attention to the absolute essentials.
    Don't be proud: accept help! I was forced to accept help and you know what? I treasure those people still when I see them... Neighbor's who sat with my mum, friends of friends who brought food, people who called out of the blue offering to take my kids with theirs to the park. I cognitively 'knew' it was helpful that moment, that day... but I didn't appreciate how that warmth & love would simmer for years after my mother was gone & burst with feeling when I would see them in the future!
    Expect a real roller coaster ride on the emotional front. That's very very normal. If you've always tried to meet one another's needs as a couple recognize you might need some outside reinforcements in this area. Your husband is grappling with the end of this physical life & you are facing a life that goes on forward without him. Seperate journeys... You both need generous helpings of nonjudgemental support.
    That's all I've got. Except for hugs. Got a lot of those. My best friend is a young widow. Grief is one of the most harrowing yet tender burdens we will carry in this life. It is built into the admission price of love, but we never stop & read the fine print in advance, do we? Don't ever feel impatient or ashamed of the emotional work you do in the name of grief. It is some of the most important work we will ever do.
  • Sued0nim
    Sued0nim Posts: 17,456 Member
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    joy4me123 wrote: »
    My darling husband was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given 4-6 mos. to live! We have a good attitude and are trying to find joy in each day we have left. I thought we were doing as well as can be expected. He has lost 40 lbs. quickly due to his cancer but I've noticed I've started eating everything in sight and gained 20 lbs. due to my emotions. Help!

    This is not someone you can handle. This is something you steel yourself to cope with, to deal with. And it's heartbreaking ..I'm so sorry

    I hope you have a support structure that recognises the strain on you as the primary Carer of the man you love. I hope you have access to specialist nurses and counsellors who can help you gather your strength and fortitude

    If your weight is something you are focusing on to help you cope, then that's fine ...there's no prescribed way for you to deal with this. Perhaps cooking will bring you some relief from the stress of coping, perhaps logging will help you feel in control of one part or take a walk will give you time to focus on your strength

    Reach out to those around you, be a little bit selfish. Remember that you also deserve support and care

    And I wish you love and strength and hope you get more time than they have forecast
  • scolaris
    scolaris Posts: 2,145 Member
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    Also: caring bridge... Do you know them? You can set up a blog that keeps you from having to field a million individual queries & galvanize help when you need it.
    And hospice, not just medically but for counseling & other services. Angels among us, all of them.
  • threadmad
    threadmad Posts: 190 Member
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    scolaris wrote: »
    Also: caring bridge... Do you know them? You can set up a blog that keeps you from having to field a million individual queries & galvanize help when you need it.
    And hospice, not just medically but for counseling & other services. Angels among us, all of them.

    Second the hospice. The people there are amazing, and provide services for up to six months, including medications. At least they do where I live.
  • joy4me123
    joy4me123 Posts: 7 Member
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    Wow! I can't thank everyone enough for all of your words....filled with love and kindness. I don't even know you, but you just responded within one morning's time. Thank you. It did help!! We have amazing palliative doctors guiding us until we go to Hospice. Wonderful friends and neighbors are offering support. I know I'll be okay....but it is difficult. Love and hugs back to all of you.
  • scolaris
    scolaris Posts: 2,145 Member
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    Yes, MFP has some good eggs here!
    Popped in for one last thought: Whatever time you two have, longer shorter whatever, will gradually be imbued with a sort of special slanty end-of-the-day sacred light. I don't know how else to explain it.... Those five weeks with my mom became like a highly ritualized & compressed Japanese tea ceremony where we processed & distilled a whole lifetime worth of being mother & daughter. It was beautiful and agonizing, flaying and empowering, bleak and beautiful all at once. I have never felt so fully attuned to life's details and patterns as I was at that time. So take a deep breath and just let yourself be immersed in it...
  • hbiede1
    hbiede1 Posts: 3 Member
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    I am so happy to hear you have amazing palliative care doctors. Take advantage of all the services available for both palliative care and hospice when that time comes for you. Remember not to lose hope: Everyone needs hope, sometimes what you hope for is what changes.

    As others have said, give yourself a break with the weight loss. Take care of yourself. You will need your strength and your husband will need you. My thoughts are with you and your husband during this difficult time.
  • zoeysasha37
    zoeysasha37 Posts: 7,089 Member
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    I'm truly sorry your going through this. This must be so scary for you.
  • Lovee_Dove7
    Lovee_Dove7 Posts: 742 Member
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    So sorry! Are people helping you by bringing meals? Perhaps you can direct them to bring things that sustain your health as well as making things easier. We experienced this before...we went through a church (you could also use a friend) and had everyone contact the church to organize the help that was being offered. The instructions people received was to send a meat, a vegetable and a fruit. You could customize for your needs. People are so willing and desire to help, but just need some direction. There are lots of folks around who would love to support you and organize things (people's help) for you!
  • AnnPT77
    AnnPT77 Posts: 32,387 Member
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    My heart goes out to you! I went through a somewhat similar experience some years back, when my husband died at 45 of esophageal cancer.

    Your remaining time with him is so, so precious. As others have urged, focus there. Support him, and care for yourself as best you can in order to carry on and be strong through this difficult time.

    Weight loss can certainly be back-burnered for now. If anything, simply try to eat nutritiously to maximize your own health and strength. It may sometimes feel like you can't find a path through this, but just put one step ahead of another, and you will.

    I'm glad you have a great support and care team - take advantage of it. People around you truly want to be of help, but sometimes aren't sure how. Help them help you by being specific about what you need: They'll be grateful.

    I'm beaming strength and caring out to you as hard as I can. My thoughts are with you.
  • TakingBackForever
    TakingBackForever Posts: 564 Member
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    I don't have any new advice, the things others have said are how I feel as well. But I wanted to just let you know that I am so very sorry, you're in my thoughts and I'm sending you lots of hugs!

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