How to handle a spouse who doesn't want you to lose the weight?
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*through.
People don't like change. But you have to do what's right for you. He will take your weight loss personally, but you have to just do it for you. Just buy veg etc for yourself, don't push it on him if he doesn't want to do it.0 -
booksandchocolate12 wrote: »Leave him alone. When my husband nagged me about my weight, it always backfired. It would send me right to the couch with a bag of Oreos.
The best you can do is stick to your own goals and lead by example.
Yes! We are stubborn people, aren't we? The best thing would be to incorporate your healthy habits into your family meals. I make tacos for the family, but tear apart my taco and put it on a big bed of romaine lettuce. Nobody feels like I'm not eating the same meal as them. I just "jazzed it up a little". When we cook steak, mine is a small piece with a HUGE helping of steamed broccoli and a small serving of boiled potatoes (I take my potatoes out before mashing them for my husband). You're going to need to be able to function around "normal" foods your family wants to eat by adding lots of low-cal additions. It will help you make lifelong changes.
But here's where you will get the most support from your fiance: Nothing will get him on board faster than if HE feels supported. Best bet, start with a little white lie, "Honey, you look like you're starting to lose weight too! I guess some of my changes are working for you too." It doesn't have to be true, and don't add any more "helpful tips". But if someone told me I was looking slimmer, and my fiance was already making it easy for me to lose more, I'd totally jump on board. Don't nag him, don't lecture him. Don't give him a deep talk about how he's being an awful supporter. It will just make both of you miserable and he'll probably turn to bad food MORE.0 -
My husband used to buy me chocolates as a treat, I had to sit down and say to him I know he does it because he loves me, and knows I love chocolate, but it's not helping me. He used to say you're fine, you don't need to lose weight etc. Our son is about the weight that I need to lose. When he picked him up one night, he said how heavy he had got and how it was a struggle to carry him into his room to put him to bed. BAM that's when it hit me. I told him imagine carrying that extra weight every minute of every day. That's what I'm doing. It actually made him realise how much my extra weight is in fact a problem0
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Also meant to say, he went shopping this morning and bought lots of low calorie treats so I can still satisfy my sweet tooth but not go over my daily calories0
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I see very little in your post about what you are doing with respect to your plan and a whole lot about what you're trying to force him to do on a plan you have for him. That's not the way to start anything that you want to last or be a positive experience.
Lead by example. Your relationship isn't prison or the military. Stop barking orders at him and let him figure out what he wants to do. You are too busy worrying about what he is doing and using it as an excuse for early failure for yourself, and conveniently blaming him in the process.
Stop that.0 -
You do you
Let him do him
This is not a marriage guide but a weight loss one0 -
You met in high school, you are 24 but he had heart attacks in his 40's? EDIT I see you said his dad! MY BAD.
OK THEN!
You only control what you do. So take care of yourself and let everything else go. Seriously. It is all you can do. He either will or won't.0 -
I think that OP is focusing on his weight because he is doing everything he can to sabotage her attempts at weight loss. It doesn't sound to me as though she is nagging him to lose weight; just that she wants him to stop sabotaging her weight loss. Many times, spouses who are heavy themselves DON'T want their partner to lose weight because they are afraid of losing that person, or because the spouse's ability to lose weight seems like a rebuke to them. And of course she is concerned about his health as well. I understand where you are coming from, and wish you well in focusing on your own goals, even if your husband won't join you on that journey. Reassure him that you love him as he is, but that it is important to you to improve your own health and well-being. It won't be easy, but it is your only choice.0
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First of all, congratulations on finding each other again, and wanting a future together! We all struggle with extra weight in our family, and my sons wives are all good about maintaining a healthy weight. I see my daughter in laws not eating the pizza my sons order, and not making a deal. Yes there is a roll of the eyes, but no other negativity. Yes they fuss when they want to go get ice cream/fro yo, etc., but sometimes they join, but often not. What I am trying to say is they are showing by example, they are encouraging, etc. I am blessed with awesome daughter in laws who love my sons, and some day they too, hopefully will pass on the pizza, and maybe only occasional sweets, and reach for the carrots, apples, etc. that are better for us. Good luck and congratulations!
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Yes, she is nagging. And laying a guilt trip on him: "Remember our wedding/the children", etc.
Emotionally manipulating him won't work.0 -
May sound harsh: it's your trek to weight loss and fitness, so don't make a big fuss about it. If what you say is true, make sure you have a life insurance policy just in case.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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When I met my husband, he was 35 years old and had been smoking since he was a teenager. I was never a smoker.
Did I want him to quit? Yes.
Did I ever say, "If you loved me, you would quit. Don't you want to live a long life with me???"
Nope. Not once. Never. He's a grown man. He knew smoking wasn't good for him. He knew his father was a smoker and had had two heart attacks.
On our first Christmas together (we were married 3 months) he came to me and said that he was having his last cigarette that day because he wanted to live a long time and grow old with me. It's been 24 years and he hasn't had a cigarette since.
How did that happen??? Was it witchcraft??? It must have been!!!
Or maybe I just treated him like an adult and let him come to the realization on his own. It takes some people a bit longer to get to that moment when the light bulb goes on.
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you cant control what he does and if you try this relationship will NOT last.
you worry about YOU and dont worry about what hes doing. he may or may not follow in your shoes if you show true commitment to it.
I can tell you that my ex didnt take me seriously till I had been doing it consistently for several months. He didnt make any changes, but i didnt ask, or expect him to.
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booksandchocolate12 wrote: »Yes, she is nagging. And laying a guilt trip on him: "Remember our wedding/the children", etc.
Emotionally manipulating him won't work.
I disagree. Sticking to your guns, and reminding your spouse that you care about him when you nag him for his own good is a heck of a lot better than getting angry. There is no guarantee that you'll be able to coax your husband into better habits, so take care of yourself, even if he doesn't change. But keep on showing your love and concern.0 -
One thing about snoring. I used to snore badly. My dear wife did too, last winter and spring I slept many nights in a recliner as her snoring was bad.
Last May I decided to do something about my weight, sick and tired of being sick. Much to my surprise dear wife chose to eat differently too. Both of us were a little above 30 BMI(obese), today we both have normal BMI's! Guess what neither of us have snored since sometime in the summer!
Best wishes on making changes in your life.0 -
markrgeary1 wrote: »One thing about snoring. I used to snore badly. My dear wife did too, last winter and spring I slept many nights in a recliner as her snoring was bad.
Last May I decided to do something about my weight, sick and tired of being sick. Much to my surprise dear wife chose to eat differently too. Both of us were a little above 30 BMI(obese), today we both have normal BMI's! Guess what neither of us have snored since sometime in the summer!
Best wishes on making changes in your life.
I still snore, lol. And I had nose surgery 3 years ago too!
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White noise machine saved my marriage or at least kept us in the same bed. Sleep apnea should be checked.
I don't think you can make someone lose weight. All you can do is set a good example. Mine did not take me seriously about this until he saw some results and that it wasn't a passing fad.
I know my husband loves me and is happy for us about the weight loss. However, he really doesn't care about the day-to-day stuff. He tries but I also try not to bore him to death about how many calories I have left for the day or how many steps I've taken.
Treats for love - we had some issues with that. Time took care of that. He brought me the most beautiful red grapefruit the other day. I was thrilled that he thought of me seeing fruit instead of a high calorie dessert.
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lithezebra wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »Yes, she is nagging. And laying a guilt trip on him: "Remember our wedding/the children", etc.
Emotionally manipulating him won't work.
I disagree. Sticking to your guns, and reminding your spouse that you care about him when you nag him for his own good is a heck of a lot better than getting angry. There is no guarantee that you'll be able to coax your husband into better habits, so take care of yourself, even if he doesn't change. But keep on showing your love and concern.
Who said anything about getting angry at him?
He's not a child. She shouldn't be "nagging" or "coaxing" him.
As was said by more than a couple of people here, she should just lead by example. Hopefully he'll see the positive impact of the changes she's making in her own life, and then will jump on board voluntarily, without being emotionally blackmailed or treated like a child.0 -
booksandchocolate12 wrote: »lithezebra wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »Yes, she is nagging. And laying a guilt trip on him: "Remember our wedding/the children", etc.
Emotionally manipulating him won't work.
I disagree. Sticking to your guns, and reminding your spouse that you care about him when you nag him for his own good is a heck of a lot better than getting angry. There is no guarantee that you'll be able to coax your husband into better habits, so take care of yourself, even if he doesn't change. But keep on showing your love and concern.
Who said anything about getting angry at him?
He's not a child. She shouldn't be "nagging" or "coaxing" him.
As was said by more than a couple of people here, she should just lead by example. Hopefully he'll see the positive impact of the changes she's making in her own life, and then will jump on board voluntarily, without being emotionally blackmailed or treated like a child.
Thank God you're here to tell people how everything should be in their relationships!0 -
lithezebra wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »lithezebra wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »Yes, she is nagging. And laying a guilt trip on him: "Remember our wedding/the children", etc.
Emotionally manipulating him won't work.
I disagree. Sticking to your guns, and reminding your spouse that you care about him when you nag him for his own good is a heck of a lot better than getting angry. There is no guarantee that you'll be able to coax your husband into better habits, so take care of yourself, even if he doesn't change. But keep on showing your love and concern.
Who said anything about getting angry at him?
He's not a child. She shouldn't be "nagging" or "coaxing" him.
As was said by more than a couple of people here, she should just lead by example. Hopefully he'll see the positive impact of the changes she's making in her own life, and then will jump on board voluntarily, without being emotionally blackmailed or treated like a child.
Thank God you're here to tell people how everything should be in their relationships!
and you too0
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