I am so lost.

Madaly320

I have been a MFP member for a long time. My profile picture shows me at my lightest while using MFP. I was going to the gym, losing weight, feeling great, I was still overweight mind you, but I was on the right track.

I don't know what happened. I cannot pin point the cause of my downward spiral. Losing weight and getting healthy was my LIFE for 6 months. I got busy shuffling my kids around during spring sports and I guess I used that as an excuse to stop everything I was doing. I was about 190 lbs in that picture, 2 years ago.

I am now 5'4" and 217 pounds. I am ashamed. I cry myself to sleep. I feel depressed. My friends and family have noticed that I seem sad, down, even lost. And they are totally right.
I have gained about 6 pounds in one month. I cannot attribute it to the holidays. I did not gorge on holiday treats, I have Celiac Disease and therefore cannot eat gluten (and at all my family parties I went to, my choices of food were limited to meat and vegetables, and no desserts.)
I am just steadily gaining weight at an amazing rate. I have called my Endocrinologist (hypothyroidism) but she cannot see me until March. I will likely call my primary tomorrow to see if she can run my thyroid level tests.

I DO NOT want to be one of those people who blame my weight gain on my thyroid, especially if it isn't.

As I type this, I am tearing up. I simply do not know how to start over. I cannot go to a gym anymore for financial reasons. I do have many videos, I have weights, and it has been very mild up here in New England so far, so I can def go outside and walk. But I talk myself out of it by saying, what is one slow walk going to do to help you. What is one half A$$ed video going to do to help you?

I see the same 3 ladies in my town going for their daily walks, every single day, regardless of weather for years, and they are still as overweight as when they started. If they cant do it with their dedication, why should I even bother? I understand maybe their eating habits are poor, maybe they walk so that they CAN keep eating bad. I dont know their lives. But it is enough to knock down my own motivation.

I am in a funk. I am desperate for help. If I keep going this way, I won't be active for my kids and then their kids.
How do you find your motivation when all seems lost? I say I am going to start eating better and go to the store but without a plan or list or menu ideas and I say forget it, maybe next week.

Please Help me.

elsinora

HUN, I have gone through and been the same. I have lost 100 lbs then put on 42lbs, lost again, then put on again. I never gorged my way back, I just didn't log, bother restrict myself as much as I did and it slowly crept back.

It IS tiring and it seems impossible to lose it again but you will get there and you can do it and keep it off permanently. I learned from my mistakes and when you have to embark on the same journey again, it is soul destroying and tiring but it is worth it in the end.

I've learned so much over the years in where I went wrong, what I did right etc so the final stage was that. Final.

If you want to buddy up, I'd love to be an accountability / support buddy xxx

colmac145

I think that is why MANY of us are here, right?!? You are definitely not alone. I know it is frustrating -- I am right in the middle of that now. I just updated my weight and it says I have 72 pounds to lose! Yikes.... how do you face *that* right? Well.... I think you face that by just doing today. I've got kids that I shuttle around, too. I eat in my car, or I don't eat at all. I drink too much caffeine and not enough water. I always blow off exercise. It's a typical pattern, I think.

For me, this year, I am going to set different goals than weight goals and just see if I can't start feeling a little bit better. -- I don't want to be out of breath walking up a few sets of stairs.... I want to say "Yes" when my kids ask if I want to sled with them...I want to feel happier and more optimistic.

Today, I'm just starting by taking the dog for two walks and filling up a large cup with ice water and drinking it, and looking around MyFitnessPal to get some inspiration.

Maybe go out and join those overweight ladies and walk with them! Who knows, you may like it.

Hang in there girl. Just do a few good things today and then give yourself a pat on the back.

Madaly320

Thank you so much for the encouragement. 100 pounds that is amazing, even if you gained some back and so on. To lose that much is amazing dedication. I have never been able to lose more than 20 in one try and it took me almost 8 months.

I guess to be successful, I will have to be honest with myself. I admit to lying to myself and not logging things like my morning iced coffee from Dunkin Donuts. I would tell myself, its 150 calories, it is not going to have an affect on my weight loss. And for a long time, it really didn't. But Then I would say ok well I can ALSO have a couple of peanut butter cups, and I would still be losing...but you know what happens, the ante always raises and before I know it, I have given up.

I am not a huge salt eater, I do not drink alcohol, I am not a fried food girl, not a chip eater. I don't even late night snack. If I don't have dinner by 7pm or so, my body really doesn't want to eat anything at all.

My problem is sugar. I know it is my problem. It is my weakness. Candy and Iced coffee with sugar and cream. When a bag of grapes is 3.99 a lb at the store but a candy is 79 cents and those sugar cravings hit, where do you think I am going to turn? lol

I need to figure this out. And I know I will. So the first step is to keep making sure I log in here and listen to everyone's words of support.

AriesGal329

You are beautiful! Please, please don't equate your self worth with what's on the scale. Your weight does NOT define you as a person. I look at weight gain as simple laws of physics- I eat too much, drink too much and don't get enough exercise and I'll gain weight. True, some drugs and diseases can attribute to this, but in my case it's just calorie intake VS calorie burn. Even if your medical issues are making weight loss harder, please try to approach it scientifically instead of a character flaw. You are NOT defined by your weight or appearance, but by what is inside. I know that sounds trite, but it's true. During my life I've been slim and I've been chubby, but inside I'm the same person, and so are you. Keep working at it, but don't allow it to affect your view of yourself as a human being.

JHLinMaine

Hi. Boy is it hard sometimes. I hurt my foot and couldn't exercise (long walks with my dog in the woods were my favored form of exercise) and fell out of the habit. Weight gain came naturally. Clothes stopped fitting. And I couldn't see my way forward. So much seems like a matter of habit - like the 6 months of good habit you had. When my foot healed, I still didn't get back to dog walking. At Xmas, my son and daughter-in-law gave me a fitbit. They use it too. It hasn't been that long, but I have managed to do the 10,000 steps most days. Just seeing the progress during the day keeps me moving. Walk the dog = a few thousand steps. Gather laundry, do dishes and put away = 1000 steps. Shovel some snow = 1500 steps. I can always think of something that adds a few steps to what I was planning on doing. I'm hoping to develop some new habits. Since my hobby has been baking, there's a whole set of eating habits that are going to be hard to break. I have been counting calories on this site, and have discovered that some of the things I like to eat are ok - a big bowl of oatmeal with brown sugar - 130 calories. Some , like the apple pancake I frequently make for Saturday breakfast are not - 600+ calories. I have lost two pounds and am hoping to fit into old clothes and have some good established habits by Spring. I felt very discouraged when the scale showed the same weight for three days when I had been doing everything right - but we are in it for the long haul. I do know that once a behavior becomes habit, it doesn't require all this work and effort - but is just part of who we are and what we do. So, it is hard, but I believe that for me - and for you - it will get easier. You are not alone.

KimF0715

Hi Madaly:

You sound so very depressed. It's hard to get started. I truly believe that is the absolute hardest mountain to climb over. Getting started, and then staying with it.

I understand both depression and Celiac Disease. I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease in 2006 when I was 95 pounds soaking wet and convinced I was dying of cancer, because a gastroenterologist told me I was "fine". I have been treated for mild depression since I was in my mid 30s.

In 2016 I will be 45. That's a little bit of a milestone. I am a former gym trainer and I am in the worst shape of my life. Trust me: I KNOW exactly what I need to do, I own a treadmill and free weights. I have all the education on this in the world. I am so disgusted with myself. My weight isn't truly so awful, but I have gone from needing to lose 5 pounds, to 10 pounds, to 15 pounds to 20 pounds. And I'm heading toward 25. Add to that aches and pains and stiffness and feeling in a funk and I am beginning to really FEEL OLD.

THAT in and of itself is scaring the hell out of me.

My New Year's Resolution is to simply take better care of myself and that encompasses quite a bit.

You have to get started and do a little bit everyday. Start by tracking your food and aim for 30 minutes of activity a day. That's my January goal.

A journey of a thousand miles must start with one step.

Are you on Pinterest? Meal plans are abundant on that site, even GF ones. I love Pinterest!!!!!

I'm rooting for you!

Kim

vegmebuff

Do you currently weigh/log everything (minus the morning Dunkin Doughnut ritual;))?

rankinsect

What I would say to be successful (not there myself, yet, but at 70 pounds down I'm lighter than I've been in 15 years):

Don't make better eating and fitness your life. Make better eating and fitness your habit. Then you can do them even when you're focusing on other things, as you ultimately need to do.

I incorporated this into my daily habits by planning my meals in advance and pre-logging them. Every day, I wake up knowing specifically what I need to do in order to be successful. Most of the day I can run on autopilot, just consulting my phone to refresh my memory on what my plan is when I need to make it. I log everything & weigh portions, but again I do the logging the night before (or earlier, as sometimes I plan several days out so I can go to the grocery store).

Don't knock the short exercise options. Anything is better than nothing. Again, pick an exercise level where you feel comfortable maintaining this on habit.

Madaly320

vegmebuff wrote: »

Do you currently weigh/log everything (minus the morning Dunkin Doughnut ritual;))?

Not as of right now. I only just logged back on today after being gone a few months. I need to start doing that.

StacyChrz

Even a half a** video or a short walk are better than no video or no walk. And if you spend 15 minutes today maybe you'll have the motivation to do 16 minutes tomorrow. Baby steps are better than no steps, and I know that for me I feel so much more positive about the rest of my day as long as I do some form of activity, even walking an extra lap or two around Target when I'm shopping.

RAmelia63

Don't despair. We're all in this together. Happy to hook up on MFP and share diaries, etc.
Don't use those ladies or anyone else as your goal. Aim to be the best version of YOU. Many people go to the gym, a walk, etc. then go home and "reward" themselves with bad food choices tossing their hard work in the toilet!
Sugar is an addiction. Believe me it takes one to know one! Cut down gradually and make better choices. Plain Greek yogurt mixed with vanilla/chocolate flavored protein powder makes a yummy, healthy (AND SWEET) dessert

mrsdean4

Hello! I could have written your post as well. You are not alone in this struggle. I still have about 75 lbs to go, and I recently stopped a 30+ lb gain. UGH! I don't want to think too much about that. I cannot tolerate losing 75 lbs today. I am working to practice mindfulness. I can't tolerate how far I have to go for my goal, but I can focus on what I am doing right this minute, which is the only time that counts. Right this minute, I am taking the time to offer support and encouragement to another human being who is also struggling. I can tolerate this! I think you can, too. Mindfulness is a very powerful, completely free tool that you can use every moment of every day, no matter where you are or what you are doing. Best of luck to you!

AdrianChr92

You ate too much and you became fat. You can get fat with healthy food. Eat less.

treebek

Hi there, you are in the right place if you are ready for it. I've still got a ways to go, but I have lost just over 20 pounds since November when I hit my reset button. I can't tell you how many times I've started over before that.

I'm telling you that I know exactly how you feel. It was very depressing to look in the mirror and not like what I saw looking back at me.

I finally had my aha moment and just decided that I was going to do it right this time. In order to honestly lose weight, I had to start by being accountable and honest with myself. No one might see me eating 12 peanut butter cups but my *kitten* sure saw it, oh did it ever.

I've been logging everything every day since November 9. This is all about me, not anyone else. And you know what, I've lost 21 freaking pounds! Heck yes! It's not about exercise although it really helps it come off faster, it's not necessary lose weight. Calories In, calories out -- you need to create a deficit. And at least for me, this is about honestly logging everything.

Good luck! You CAN do this if you really want to!

Madaly320

treebek wrote: »

Hi there, you are in the right place if you are ready for it. I've still got a ways to go, but I have lost just over 20 pounds since November when I hit my reset button. I can't tell you how many times I've started over before that.

I'm telling you that I know exactly how you feel. It was very depressing to look in the mirror and not like what I saw looking back at me.

I finally had my aha moment and just decided that I was going to do it right this time. In order to honestly lose weight, I had to start by being accountable and honest with myself. No one might see me eating 12 peanut butter cups but my *kitten* sure saw it, oh did it ever.

I've been logging everything every day since November 9. This is all about me, not anyone else. And you know what, I've lost 21 freaking pounds! Heck yes! It's not about exercise although it really helps it come off faster, it's not necessary lose weight. Calories In, calories out -- you need to create a deficit. And at least for me, this is about honestly logging everything.

Good luck! You CAN do this if you really want to!

Thank you so much for the encouragement!

veganbaum

As a PP said, make logging and exercising a habit, not your life. Then it's simply what you do, every day.

Also, those walks and videos? Yes, every little bit helps.

I commute to work - a total of two hours every day. My boyfriend lives an hour away. That's another two hour drive and overnight visit over the weekend. It's dark when I leave in the morning. It's dark when I come home. It's cold. We've gotten to the point where there have been a couple of snowstorms and now the residential areas have enough ice to make walking/running potentially treacherous, especially in the dark. This likely won't melt until April-ish. So I have fallen out of my regular running routine. I resisted getting a tracker for a long time. Figured it didn't seem like something that would really help me. I was wrong. I bought a fitbit. When I got in my regular 10,000+ steps at least 5 days a week, it made a huge difference in my weekly burns/deficit. I got those 10,000 through a combination of daily living and exercise. Since winter really hit here, I've seriously fallen behind getting my 10,000. And it's made a big difference.

Those women you see are probably like the women I see in my office. They exercise regularly (I have no idea what their routines are like except that they have "cardio" and "weight" days). But as far as I have been able to tell, they don't monitor their food intake other than having a vague notion of "eating healthy." Move. Movement is always good.

Move and make habits.

kimny72

OP, as @rankinsect said, you don't have to make this the focal point of your life, just make logging a habit. Leave the food scale on the kitchen counter and use it whenever humanly possible, but don't sweat it if every once and awhile you have to guesstimate, just do the best you can. If you previously let your progress slide, it might have been because you were being too strict and putting too much pressure on yourself, so you couldn't keep it up when you got busy. Focus on making small healthy habits, not making over your entire life!

And those walking ladies, you have no idea what they eat. And they are still probably healthier than they would be if they didn't take those walks.

Just please take a deep breath and stop judging yourself. You can eat whatever you want and lose weight. I do however find that meal planning for the week and pre-logging each day have helped me tremendously.

Whether you find out you have a thyroid issue or not, your plan is the same. Start logging again, eat less, move more. Hang in there and best of luck

flatlndr

I can understand your situation.

• In the 15 years leading up to Dec 2013, I had slowly and steadily gained 100 lbs
• On Jan 1 2014, I started logging and walking, for 6 months, and later added lifting and elliptical, and dropped all that weight.
• In 2015, I got lost, and over the course of the year, having slacked off in my logging and exercise, I regained 50 lbs!
• I've restarted logging and walking again, and in just a few days, I'm already feeling better mentally and physically.

So, yes, you can drop weight with "just" walking, but if you don't track your input, you'll be just like those 3 ladies in your town.

One day at a time, one pound at a time, you'll get there ... just remember to log, log, log.

Best of luck!

cwagar123

Not to beat the dead horse... but you are soooooooo not alone. I think many of us have been there.
One thing that may be helpful for the next few days is to stop beating yourself up... but use this week as a time just to look at it. Not act, not react... but collect data... start a new habit. Without restricting just get used to logging and logging EVERYTHING! and just look at it... without selfhate or shame.... just look at it and then start making little changes. That helped me. Because I would usually start "diets" in a manic way... throw out all the "bad" food... make charts about losing weight... blah blah blah and at 270 lbs I was sure that if i could just change all of it that it would make sense... this time I just started logging and then making small - very small - changes. And 80lbs later it has made all the difference.

You know that you CAN do it.
Best of luck to you!

nvmomketo

Madaly320 wrote: »

I guess to be successful, I will have to be honest with myself. I admit to lying to myself and not logging things like my morning iced coffee from Dunkin Donuts. I would tell myself, its 150 calories, it is not going to have an affect on my weight loss. And for a long time, it really didn't. But Then I would say ok well I can ALSO have a couple of peanut butter cups, and I would still be losing...but you know what happens, the ante always raises and before I know it, I have given up.

I am not a huge salt eater, I do not drink alcohol, I am not a fried food girl, not a chip eater. I don't even late night snack. If I don't have dinner by 7pm or so, my body really doesn't want to eat anything at all.

My problem is sugar. I know it is my problem. It is my weakness. Candy and Iced coffee with sugar and cream. When a bag of grapes is 3.99 a lb at the store but a candy is 79 cents and those sugar cravings hit, where do you think I am going to turn? lol

I need to figure this out. And I know I will. So the first step is to keep making sure I log in here and listen to everyone's words of support.

I found it easier to lose weight after finding the WOE that worked for me, until then I struggled. Just cutting back (moderation) didn't work for me. Part of that reason was sugar. I can't have just a little bit and stop. It doesn't work that way for me. Even if I did substitute the grapes for a candy bar, the sugars in the grapes would have left me wanting more.

Being a celiac doesn't help. Most GF substitutes are higher in sugars and lower in fibre than a wheat flour food. Plus it doesn't taste as good (IMO). I find it works best to skip GF breads, muffins and desserts, and when I would eat those in the past, I made my own... I always bring my own desserts to a party, and many of my own snack foods (for safety).

Anyways, once I went very low carb and high fat losing weight became easier. About 40lbs in less than 6 months. My appetite was reduced, my cravings were almost gone, my energy and mood improved and so did my health. Plus LCHF foods are mostly GF which makes life simple for me.

If LCHF interests you, read up on it and look into the Low Carber Daily subgroup. It can work very well for many people. Best wishes.

AbsoluteTara79

This stuff happens. What is the smallest step in the right direction that you can take? Skip an iced coffee? Log a day, a meal? Take a 10 minute walk? Do anything small that gets you moving in the right direction even if it feels insignificant. Small wins stack up and beget bigger wins.

Ninkyou

Life happens.

How do you start over? Start by simply logging everything you eat. everyday, no matter what. Things start falling into place after that point. But the start is logging.

roullmann

First, go to your doctor and get a full physical and then have yourself evaluated for depression. I have been where you are and I have depression. I work with an excellent doctor and manage my depression with meds. Second, write everything down via MFP because it really does give you a good picture of what you are eating. Third, consider a program like HMR (Health Maintenance Resources) because you will learn a great deal about yourself and your eating and exercise habits. Fourth, keep moving even if you do short, 10-minute bouts at a time.
Lastly, please, please stop beating yourself up for this because it does nothing to help you. Stay connected with all of us here on the boards and we'll help you get through this tough time. Hugs to you.

Beaupeep

Just the fact that it bothers you means that you want to do something, just the fact that you are reaching out for encouragement and support means you most likely will do something. Skip the Dunkins though girlie! I am a New Englander now living in Europe so don't have my worst temptations around me daily (fried clams, fudge) but I somehow managed to put back 15 of the 35 lbs that I lost which is discouraging. But I still log in every single bite of food every day and have for the past four years and seeing that bottom line in red has been a real kick in the butt. You can start over again, just treat yourself to the DD iced coffee once a week. Once you start the day with a sugar rush, I think it is hard to stop. I am like you - pass the chocolate and sugar - hold the veg.

Jewels_Ka

You are in the right place. These are the right people you surround yourself with. Most of us go through similar challenges. You are DEFINATELY not alone! That's why I Love MFP. When I loose my way I look at success stories and they motivate me. I do that almost on weekly bases. Whether you are ready to start again or not the success stories will get you there. I get inspired by them all. I also noticed that in the winter I get all sunshine deprived and because it gets really cold sometimes I go fake and bake (tan). I don't suggest you go and do it. Simple walk in the sun would work just as well. Get your mood up and get come calmness in your heart. You can do it. You know how to do it. So find time to put yourself first just for a little bit, and maybe 3,4 times a week.

JanetMMcC

What Elsinora said.

And if you're not logging your food, start there.
Find a free pedometer app for your phone (if you have an iPhone 5 or later, it has a built-in step counter). For your early goals, just go for more steps than the day before.

For menu ideas, check out the blog here. I mean, you're here already, so you don't have to go far.
A few recent postings:
http://blog.myfitnesspal.com/16-must-make-recipes-for-2016-under-375-calories/
http://blog.myfitnesspal.com/10-quick-dinner-stir-fry-recipes-under-280-calories/?native_client=1
http://blog.myfitnesspal.com/15-most-popular-recipes-of-2015/?native_client=1

when you see your primary, you might also ask if you're clinically depressed.

You gained six pounds in a month? Maybe just losing those six pounds should be your first goal. Or losing three of them. In "Bird by Bird," a book about writing, Anne Lamott talks about a one-inch frame: You don't have to write an entire book at once. Instead, narrow your focus to what you can see in a one-inch frame, and write about that.

You can do it. Me, I'm 63 and only now feel I've got my weight under control. You can do it sooner. <<hugs>>

lemurcat12

cwagar123 wrote: »

One thing that may be helpful for the next few days is to stop beating yourself up... but use this week as a time just to look at it. Not act, not react... but collect data... start a new habit. Without restricting just get used to logging and logging EVERYTHING! and just look at it... without selfhate or shame.... just look at it and then start making little changes. That helped me.

This is good advice, I think.

I lost 95 lbs, mostly in 2014, and this is basically what worked for me. Trying to get past the emotional response and just looking at it practically, and not beating myself up. Realizing that I wouldn't be perfect but that I could make choices that would help instill habits that would result in weight loss. Logging and adding in exercise gradually, without trying to do it in a punishing or extreme way. I started in Jan '14, when it was really cold where I live, and my initial goal for exercise was just to walk whenever possible (I am in a city which makes that easier) and to go to the gym and ride the stationary bike 3x/week for 30 minutes at a light setting. Not much, but something that I wouldn't burn out on. I started increasing that and adding in things and by the time the weather improved enough to run outside I was able to run 3 miles and kept going with that until exercise was something that I looked forward to and expected as part of my day. I thought through my diet and tracked and was able to make small changes that eliminated mindless calories without it feeling difficult or dealing with deprivation. For me getting in a habit of eating only at regular meals (no snacking) helped, but people will all have their own ways of dealing.

I was feeling pretty down when I started, and one thing that shocked me was how much better I felt even before I'd lost much weight, just because I felt more in control of what I was doing and had a plan, and because I was focusing on my goals and not on beating myself up.

CatherineElizabeth13

I think most of us on here have felt that level of demotivation, hopelessness and cant-be-bothered-ness. It's almost impossible to be motivated when every ounce of yourself is fighting it. I'be been in an unbearable slump for a long time. Hating myself for how good I used to look and what ive let myself become.
It was only when we decided to set a date for our wedding that I was hit with the reality of being a big bride. No way.

You need to find something that makes you really fight. If you want a motivation buddy, feel free to add me

kimmie373

JanetMMcC wrote: »

What Elsinora said.

And if you're not logging your food, start there.
Find a free pedometer app for your phone (if you have an iPhone 5 or later, it has a built-in step counter). For your early goals, just go for more steps than the day before.

For menu ideas, check out the blog here. I mean, you're here already, so you don't have to go far.
A few recent postings:
http://blog.myfitnesspal.com/16-must-make-recipes-for-2016-under-375-calories/
http://blog.myfitnesspal.com/10-quick-dinner-stir-fry-recipes-under-280-calories/?native_client=1
http://blog.myfitnesspal.com/15-most-popular-recipes-of-2015/?native_client=1

when you see your primary, you might also ask if you're clinically depressed.

You gained six pounds in a month? Maybe just losing those six pounds should be your first goal. Or losing three of them. In "Bird by Bird," a book about writing, Anne Lamott talks about a one-inch frame: You don't have to write an entire book at once. Instead, narrow your focus to what you can see in a one-inch frame, and write about that.

You can do it. Me, I'm 63 and only now feel I've got my weight under control. You can do it sooner. <<hugs>>

wineroom

Wow....you broke my heart with your post. We have all been where you are right now. Do not look at the whole entire battle....go for one little step at a time. I know it seems impossible but get through the morning, then the afternoon and finally the nite....one day or even one minute at a time. Try and keep trying weems like a lot of nice people here who can provide some support for you. Take care and God bless.