Husband isn't on board
kelsi3107
Posts: 5 Member
Hey, i need some help with staying motivated. My husband likes me bigger for his own reasons, each to there own...but after six years of being over weight I'm over feeling unattractive and fat. Just finding it hard to stay focused knowing my husband's position on the subject... Any ideas??
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You do whats right for you - no matter how your husband feels about your weight, he should support your decisions about your body. If you want to lose weight, keep the focus for yourself and lose it. Your husband is just gonna have to suck it!0
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It's your body.0
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I completely agree with workout_ninja! He should be supportive of what you decide to do with your own body. If you feel that you want to make a change, then you should go for it. As far as staying motivated, think about how you would feel if you DIDN'T make the change and then think about how you will feel when you DO.0
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exactly what both of them said.... my bf likes bigger women too but he know being healthy is way more important than being his perfect body type.0
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I can certainly relate. My husband is not supportive at all as well. I plan my breakfast and lunch that I can take to work as well as a snack. When I cook I plan healthy meals and serve myself an appropriate portion. My problem is he is retired and has taken over cooking the evening meal. He frys everything so I try to take smaller portions to stay within my calorie limits for the day. This week I fixed several meals and had them in the refrigerator so all he had to do was pop them into the oven in the evening. It took most of Sunday afternoon with cooking but at least I knew that what he was fixing was something that wouldn't totally sabatoge my efforts, I do enough of that myself!
I have learned to ignore the chips and candy that he has in the house all the time but sometimes it is hard. I thiink the biggest reason our husbands are not supportive is that they are insecure and believe that once the weight is gone so will we.0 -
Most husband's I think are just worried if you lose weight, you'll leave him. Some I'm sure are more attractive to heavier women. I reassured my husband that I was smaller when we married and I'm doing it for me. I explained the better I feel about me, the better it will be for us. Ultimately, I decided to do it for me and no one was going to stop me.0
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You do what you have to do for you. If he doesn't like it, he knows where the door is .... my dad's favorite quote, lol. When a person truly loves someone, they love them regardless of size or color of their hair. If he can't love you or ve attracted to you regardless, perhaps the relationship needs closer scrutiny.0
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Maybe you can get him involved in a roundabout way - e.g. by scheduling exercise time together. His position might be coming from a place of fear, such as you becoming even more desirable to other men? Definitely do what's right for you!0
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I know the feeling, my boyfriend quite likes the big bum and my boobs however he knows im unhappy with the rest that come along with being a bigger girl, and we now have a joint gym membership and he's very supportive (as long as i dont get proper skinny) and i m just aiming at a healthier lifestyle and lighter body! Ultimitely you just need to hel your husband understand that youre doing this for your own health and love isabout helping people become betterversionsof themselves!!
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Just let him look at some of his fetish porn on the internet to get it out of his system.0
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My BF has never said he likes me heavier but all of the women that I know of that he's dated have been bigger... But he is very supportive of me losing weight, even comes to the gym with me and has encouraged me several times saying he can see my progress and the change in my mood.
Motivation... this comes from within, when you are ready to change it won't be as hard as you think and you might even find that you enjoy it.
I'm 37 weeks pregnant today and I haven't worked out in a few months just because I worried about it so much it was better for me to just focus on healthy eating and I MISS MY WORKOUTS!!! You don't realize it at the time when you are sweaty and tired but workout endorphins are real and they feel good!!!0 -
When I saw my gynecologist at my 2015 checkup, the first thing he said to me when he walked in the room is "Nice, I see you have lost a lot of weight. Do you know that most men are jealous of their wives losing weight. Be prepared for some jealousy."
You have to take this journey for you and you alone. If you make it about anyone else, you can easily get derailed when they are not supportive/no longer in the picture, etc.
As @EltaAuringer said, get him involved in a roundabout way.
And don't even try to reassure him about his insecurities (if he has any). Words won't work. Show him that your getting healthy is the best thing for both of you.0 -
YIKES. Is he just unhappy, or does he actively sabotage your weight loss? Is it a self-esteem thing - he's afraid you'll leave him if you get "hot?" This isn't just about looks, it's about your HEALTH. Maybe you two could get some couples counseling?0
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You need to do what is best for you. If he is insecure (as so many women seem to think husbands are) then he needs to deal with his own feelings and I would suggest he read Iron John by Robert Bly as a start to dealing with his own issues. Most men aren't simplistic stereotypes despite how people like to portray us and he may very well find you attractive with weight but physical appearance is only a sliver of what makes a person attractive to another person.
In a perfect world we would have all the support from those closest to us when we wish to make positive changes unfortunately this world isn't perfect. You need to develop strategies to strengthen your focus because not only your husband but, other sources are going to challenge you as most people fear change so much they don't like being reminded that it really is simple and within their control. You can do this, it will be hard but you are stronger than you realize, you can do this!0 -
My husband was also resistant to the idea of me loosing weight...like for YEARS he was no help and always whining about the tummy shrinking or making comments about how I didn't need to lose anymore...I found the best way to derail him was to shift the focus off of size and over to health...I know you like my round tummy, but it's not a shape for a healthy heart and I want to live and do fun things for a long time...I'm not getting to skinny, I'm still about 28% body fat, that is not even in the athletic range yet, still average...
He is finally coming around and working out with me now, but it took a loooooong time...0 -
He may be feeling intimidated by your potential weight loss. He may be scared that losing weight could mean you want to leave him. Partners get worried when we start to make changes. Have you spoken to him about your feelings?0
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tcunbeliever wrote: »My husband was also resistant to the idea of me loosing weight...like for YEARS he was no help and always whining about the tummy shrinking or making comments about how I didn't need to lose anymore...I found the best way to derail him was to shift the focus off of size and over to health...I know you like my round tummy, but it's not a shape for a healthy heart and I want to live and do fun things for a long time...I'm not getting to skinny, I'm still about 28% body fat, that is not even in the athletic range yet, still average...
He is finally coming around and working out with me now, but it took a loooooong time...
This is the advice I would have given.0 -
He may just be saying that because its the way you are. I had a similar situation several years ago. When I met my husband, I was bigger than I had ever been (what I wouldn't give to be at THAT weight again). He never knew me when I was thin, and he fell in love with me the way I was. I had a baby, put on a few extra, but lost it relatively quickly. Needless to say, my body was different post baby; I carried weight differently. He never complained, and when I would complain or be struggling, he would remind me that I had birthed a human. I really committed about a year after my son was born and was 25 pounds lighter than when we met. Everyone noticed and everyone complimented me-except him. I asked him once if he even had a clue how hard I had worked and he simply replied, "Ya, you look great." Naturally, this infuriated me. Great? That's all? I received more kudos then that when I was bigger. After about a week of being super annoyed, I finally brought it up again. I ranted and raved about how I had been close to 200 pounds before and was now only 150 and he didn't seem any more attracted to me than he was before. He looked at me funny and said, "Do you want me to be?" My first thought was "uh, ya" but I didn't say anything. He felt like I was setting him up for some sort of relationship trap. If he said or acted like he was just over the moon for me at this new weight, I would spiral into depression and die if I ever gained it back and he wasn't as enthusiastic. Truth of the matter is, he had no idea how much I had weighed before, even commented "Really? 200? I would've guess like 145. Hmm." He loved me the same, regardless and treated me no differently either way. I have since gained even more weight (currently trying to come down from 220) and his love for me hasn't changed. I struggle with it more, and he sees that, and his efforts to help me have changed, but only because I am making a bigger deal about it now than before. I think you will be fine. Depressed wives make for depressed husbands and no one wants all of that. Do what you want to do for yourself, if you are happy, he will be happy, and if he isn't or doesn't like the new you, guess what? You will be thin and hot and won't need him (jk I don't condone divorce but you get the drift). Good luck and let us know how it goes!0
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It is a very unhealthy marriage if you are feeling obliged to do something you hate (and that is damaging your health) to keep your husband happy. Start working on weight loss and seek marriage counseling.-1
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tcunbeliever wrote: »My husband was also resistant to the idea of me loosing weight...like for YEARS he was no help and always whining about the tummy shrinking or making comments about how I didn't need to lose anymore...I found the best way to derail him was to shift the focus off of size and over to health...I know you like my round tummy, but it's not a shape for a healthy heart and I want to live and do fun things for a long time...I'm not getting to skinny, I'm still about 28% body fat, that is not even in the athletic range yet, still average...
He is finally coming around and working out with me now, but it took a loooooong time...
You're smart!0 -
Of_Monsters_and_Meat wrote: »Just let him look at some of his fetish porn on the internet to get it out of his system.
god i love you0 -
You are more than your husband's sexual plaything.
It's important to consider your spouse's feelings and needs, but they don't override you feeling healthy and happy about yourself.0 -
It is a very unhealthy marriage if you are feeling obliged to do something you hate (and that is damaging your health) to keep your husband happy. Start working on weight loss and seek marriage counseling.
Right.
Because based upon a single, 3 line post on a fitness website, which contains practically no details, from a poster with no posting history - the marriage is very unhealthy, the woman's health is in jeapordy and shrinks need to get involved.
Never change MFP.
If you consider a marriage counselour a shrink and if you think that telling someone to get marriage counselling is an insult, this is your problem, not mine and not OPs.
OP said she is not feeling happy with her weight and attractive but her husband has his reasons to want her to stay this way. If this is not a reason for marriage counselling, I do not know what is.You were not bothered by the advice to tell him to leave the marriage, or the advice to recommend some fat lady porn to him, but you are bothered about advice that would help her and her husband better communicate?0 -
Well, I think the above people have pretty well said it all. One question is does your husband stay in shape? Sometimes a spouse, besides all the other above reasons, doesn't like you to "get in shape" as it can be a constant reminder they aren't, and they don't like the way they look...of course, then all the other thoughts start. However, you need to do what is healthy and right for you. At your age, it is even more important as you can do it easier than if you were in your 40's and older. Try to get him to do it with you...but don't not do it because of him.0
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Gee it would be nice if he were on board. He definitely should not sabotage or diminish your efforts.
Talk it out. Would he change his shape to keep you happy? Does that sound fair and just to him?
How is he with the whole fitness aspect? My hubby wants to be fit and healthy well in to old age and on that score we agree.0 -
I can really relate with this. My husband is not on board with this either. He tells me that he knows I'm going to quit so why should I even bother starting. He is the cook in the family too so I really hate being rude and telling him that I need to make something else for my dinner. I am doing this. I need to do this.... it doesn't matter if he likes me like this, I don't and that is why I need a change.0
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I don't understand the logic why men like their women "chubby". Is there a clause in the marriage vows, "love, honor and stay chubby"...
Isn't our significant others supposed to always love, honor and cherish us even if we want to be a little smaller self?
Has anyone ever heard "happy wife, happy life". Don't get why anything of this nature could be construed by anyone including our spouses as being something negative or tragic.
Don't we all want to be better versions of our selves? I do that is why I do this stuff everyday..
My take, if I my husband is not on board (which he is totally), he can sleep in a different room...lol0 -
OP said she is not feeling happy with her weight and attractive but her husband has his reasons to want her to stay this way.
You mean she is not feeling happy about her weight and attractiveness?
In case that's what you meant, and considering all she's said is her husband has his reasons to want her to stay this way - I'll venture a guess. Now, it's a WILD GUESS, granted, based on the limited information.
But perhaps her husband finds her attractive, despite the fact that she is carrying some extra weight. He loves a chub. It happens. It's no tragedy.
Finding someone attractive DESPITE him/her being overweight means you do not care if this person loses weight or not. Wanting someone to stay overweight, it is not the same.
Are you sure you are talking about the OP and not letting out personal feelings here?0 -
It is a very unhealthy marriage if you are feeling obliged to do something you hate (and that is damaging your health) to keep your husband happy. Start working on weight loss and seek marriage counseling.
Right.
Because based upon a single, 3 line post on a fitness website, which contains practically no details, from a poster with no posting history - the marriage is very unhealthy, the woman's health is in jeapordy and shrinks need to get involved.
Never change MFP.
If you consider a marriage counselour a shrink and if you think that telling someone to get marriage counselling is an insult, this is your problem, not mine and not OPs.
OP said she is not feeling happy with her weight and attractive but her husband has his reasons to want her to stay this way. If this is not a reason for marriage counselling, I do not know what is.You were not bothered by the advice to tell him to leave the marriage, or the advice to recommend some fat lady porn to him, but you are bothered about advice that would help her and her husband better communicate?
I am glad you both feel strongly. However I have a good relationship with my husband and we communicate very well. Don'tIbeachlover wrote: »Well, I think the above people have pretty well said it all. One question is does your husband stay in shape? Sometimes a spouse, besides all the other above reasons, doesn't like you to "get in shape" as it can be a constant reminder they aren't, and they don't like the way they look...of course, then all the other thoughts start. However, you need to do what is healthy and right for you. At your age, it is even more important as you can do it easier than if you were in your 40's and older. Try to get him to do it with you...but don't not do it because of him.
Yeah he does... Works out daily...0 -
I heard a really appropriate quote the other day
"When a woman is happy with her body, her husband will know it"
My husband likes me fitter but has no issue with me bigger either. He knows if I am more secure in my appearance he will be the one to reap the rewards... Maybe explain it to him like that?0
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