Sexual Harassment
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kirstinlee wrote: »I'm going to be straight up, and let you all know ahead of time that I'm not entirely sure what I'm asking for, if I am at all. It's just nice to know I have a group of people here who will be there for me when I need it, even if I've never personally known any of you.
I was sexually harassed and assaulted today in the middle of Safeway. He cornered me, grabbed me, and started telling me that he loved me. I was scared enough that I didn't even think about reacting or screaming for help... it was over as quick as it started. Now I feel like just peeling my skin off... or crying... or both.
. . .
I feel like if I keep losing weight, it's going to get worse. I've noticed that the verbal harassment has gotten gradually worse over the last fifteen pounds, and now this. It's almost enough to make me stop losing weight purely to feel safer.
I have carried between 10 and 65 extra pounds most of my adult life for this very reason. I was raped nearly 4 decades ago - and it started with street harassment. My weight has gone up and down several times since then.
I was at my slimmest about 15 years ago and heading into a situation I expected might be sexually hostile. I kept flipping through my closet looking for something to wear, and nothing in my new wardrobe (designed to be flattering to my new weight) seemed appropriate. All of a sudden, what I was looking for hit me like a ton of bricks - I was looking for something that would make me look fat. I felt safe (invisible) from hostile sexual attention when I was fat.
That realization came more than a decade ago and I still struggle with weight contol - it took two decades to refine the eating habits that kept me fat (for reasons I was not consciously aware of). Those habits don't vanish merely because I am now aware that I developed them for my emotional safety.
That emotional connection to sexual objectification/aggression is also the reason I have the chit-chat forum here hidden. The sexually tinged chatter - objectifying bodies, some of it borderline hostile (what would you like to do with/to the poster above) is not conducive to my emotionally health or weight loss.
Take a street fighting class designed specifically for women that teach you dirty fighting techniques, if you can find one. Talk to a rape crisis center - the one I volunteered at for a decade didn't limit calls exclusively to people who had been raped. They may have support groups you can go to. One or both may help you work out ways to carry yourself that send out "back-off" vibes.
I made a conscious choice not to let sexually hostile behavior (and the threat of rape) force me to live in a box. [From that perspective, it was a very rude awakening when I realized I'd been unconsciously, but deliberately, living in a fat box] Not letting fear control me isn't always comfortable, since I often find myself out late at night, alone. I never turn down company when I do have to dash to my car - but I choose not to sit in my house/office afraid to go to my car.
Even though it is not comfortable knowledge to have - you are miles ahead of where I was for a long time. At least you know one of the emotional attachments you have to being overweight is safety from sexual aggression.0 -
There are lots of good responses here. I've been in a slightly similar situation and reacted the same way that you did. My man at the time also seemed to 'blame me'. We later talked and he admitted that he had suddenly felt really helpless when I told him. Do tell the store manager - go to police - and take pride in taking action.
A comment about the increase in 'verbal harassment' - I took 'assertive training' - it helped me in a later incident in a bar when someone was just talking trash at me.0 -
I agree with the others: notify the police and the store manager(s) about the attack. and I would take a basic self-defense class of some type. your state may have specific laws concerning the ownership of a taser, but carrying mace normally isn't an issue (and it's a whole lot cheaper) and works really well when sprayed directly in the face or open mouth. like jorocka said, kicking works real well too and a self-defense class can help you get more confidence in yourself in order to over-come that "panic" that set in when you were assaulted. most of all, don't let the ***hole's actions put you off your weight loss goals.0
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And...If you you continue to not get supprt from your family, or even if you do but you are having difficulties resulting from this incident, please reach out for professional help in your area. The police will be able to put you in touch with victim's support organizations or there are confidential support lines.0
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Firstly, DO NOT blame yourself. This creep had no right to harrass and assault you!
Secondly, as everyone has said - report him to the police and to Safeway as soon as you can. This creep needs to be stopped.
Self-defence/kick boxing classes are imperative. My old PT used to advise all women at his gym to take his kickboxing classes. It gives you the tools to defend yourself and gives you confidence.
I hope you're ok, and don't let this a-hole derail you.
{BIG HUGS}0 -
Definetily report it asap. And do not give up on ur health for the sake of sickos. Your stronger then you no and as for your other half its easier said then done wen ur in shock. Stay strong keep looking after number one and do a martial arts class that way u gt the best of both ur stayin active n u can learn to k.o the next perv that tries it.0
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You said its gotten worse the verbal harassment as you've lost weight...Is this from the same person or others around you? You must call the police about this.0
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I'm sorry this happened to you but this needs to be reported.
I also agree with one of the previous statements that your husband may have felt helpless to protect you with himself being so far away.
Do not let this derail you from your goals.0 -
It's jealousy ppl only chat s**t cs they haven't gt the confidence to do anything about there own life. But if its affecting you this much you really need to tell someone cos you dnt deserve to have to hear such rubbish from potty mouths.0
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HealthyVitamins wrote: »You said its gotten worse the verbal harassment as you've lost weight...Is this from the same person or others around you? You must call the police about this.
@HealthyVitamins Street harassment is becoming very common in large cities, and let's face it, EVERYONE seems to have an opinion on someone else's body and a lot of them feel they have the right to speak it. It may not be someone specific.0 -
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Yes call the police. This behaviour is unacceptable and by getting away with doing it to you, he WILL do this AGAIN, but next time it may be worse and it might be to someone you know. Then how would u feel.0
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call the store
call the police
take a self defense class
sexual assault has NOTHING to do with what you look like and is 100% on the attacker and their actions. I don't care if you're walking around in your underwear, NO ONE EVER ASKS FOR IT.0 -
kirstinlee wrote: »I'm going to be straight up, and let you all know ahead of time that I'm not entirely sure what I'm asking for, if I am at all. It's just nice to know I have a group of people here who will be there for me when I need it, even if I've never personally known any of you.
I was sexually harassed and assaulted today in the middle of Safeway. He cornered me, grabbed me, and started telling me that he loved me. I was scared enough that I didn't even think about reacting or screaming for help... it was over as quick as it started. Now I feel like just peeling my skin off... or crying... or both.
My husband and I are living in separate states right now, and I'm living with my mom and helping her with my little brothers. I called my husband and he didn't answer, so I texted him to tell him what had just happened. Instead of asking if I was ok, or calling to console me, or acting concerned in general, he essentially blamed me for not getting physical with the guy and blew me off. I can't tell my mom, because she's paranoid as it is, and she would probably never let me go grocery shopping again... which means no more healthy food in the house.
I don't have any friends outside of coworker "friends," so I basically have zero support right now. I'm a resilient person, and it doesn't normally even phase me, but this is rough.
I feel like if I keep losing weight, it's going to get worse. I've noticed that the verbal harassment has gotten gradually worse over the last fifteen pounds, and now this. It's almost enough to make me stop losing weight purely to feel safer.
I do actually have a question, now that I think about it... does anyone have experience with tasers/stun guns? Are they practical to carry? Are they easy to accidentally stun yourself with? Even if I never have to use it, it would be nice to have the feeling of security of having one just in case.
Call the police. How you look has nothing to do with it. Rapists do not target particular body types, ages etc. It is more about control than your physical appearance.
I am surprised you find harassment of any type "normal", or at least this is how it sounds. Is this the same person or group of people harassing you? Do you live in a particularly dangerous area?0 -
kirstinlee wrote: »I'm going to be straight up, and let you all know ahead of time that I'm not entirely sure what I'm asking for, if I am at all. It's just nice to know I have a group of people here who will be there for me when I need it, even if I've never personally known any of you.
I was sexually harassed and assaulted today in the middle of Safeway. He cornered me, grabbed me, and started telling me that he loved me. I was scared enough that I didn't even think about reacting or screaming for help... it was over as quick as it started. Now I feel like just peeling my skin off... or crying... or both.
My husband and I are living in separate states right now, and I'm living with my mom and helping her with my little brothers. I called my husband and he didn't answer, so I texted him to tell him what had just happened. Instead of asking if I was ok, or calling to console me, or acting concerned in general, he essentially blamed me for not getting physical with the guy and blew me off. I can't tell my mom, because she's paranoid as it is, and she would probably never let me go grocery shopping again... which means no more healthy food in the house.
I don't have any friends outside of coworker "friends," so I basically have zero support right now. I'm a resilient person, and it doesn't normally even phase me, but this is rough.
I feel like if I keep losing weight, it's going to get worse. I've noticed that the verbal harassment has gotten gradually worse over the last fifteen pounds, and now this. It's almost enough to make me stop losing weight purely to feel safer.
I do actually have a question, now that I think about it... does anyone have experience with tasers/stun guns? Are they practical to carry? Are they easy to accidentally stun yourself with? Even if I never have to use it, it would be nice to have the feeling of security of having one just in case.
Call the police. How you look has nothing to do with it. Rapists do not target particular body types, ages etc. It is more about control than your physical appearance.
I am surprised you find harassment of any type "normal", or at least this is how it sounds. Is this the same person or group of people harassing you? Do you live in a particularly dangerous area?
Power reassurance rapists do actually have 'types' and they pre-select their victim through peeping or stalking. Not what anyone wants to hear I'm sure, but different rapes fit different profiles.
It is important to go to the police because the detectives will ask questions and help you determine which 'type' of sexual offender this is and whether or not he poses a direct and serious threat to you again from this point forward. Him saying he 'loved' you in this instance would have me seriously worried. He may have been stalking you without your knowledge.
ETA: There is another part, a much smaller part, of me that says he is a little crazy and may just be off his rocker. It's not a lot, but there is some hope that he's just a loon.0 -
This was not sexual harrassment, it was sexual assault if he touched you in ANY way. Do you know this guy? Call the police! The store will still have the security dvd. DO NOT LET HIM GET AWAY WITH IT! And your looks has nothing to do with it. Rape has nothing to do with looks, attractiveness, or anything else but power. He wants someone to love him so much that he has total control over her. This guy is sick, so help get him off the street because he will do this to other women. I have worked in law enforcement and have seen it too many times. As for a stun gun, you might be better off with pepper spray. And from personal experience....it has nothing to do with you, and you did nothing to make this happen. You keep being the wonderful person that you are. You got lots of friends here who will listen and support you. Use us.0
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