Sexual Harassment
Replies
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I'm sorry this happened to you but this needs to be reported.
I also agree with one of the previous statements that your husband may have felt helpless to protect you with himself being so far away.
Do not let this derail you from your goals.0 -
It's jealousy ppl only chat s**t cs they haven't gt the confidence to do anything about there own life. But if its affecting you this much you really need to tell someone cos you dnt deserve to have to hear such rubbish from potty mouths.0
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HealthyVitamins wrote: »You said its gotten worse the verbal harassment as you've lost weight...Is this from the same person or others around you? You must call the police about this.
@HealthyVitamins Street harassment is becoming very common in large cities, and let's face it, EVERYONE seems to have an opinion on someone else's body and a lot of them feel they have the right to speak it. It may not be someone specific.0 -
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Yes call the police. This behaviour is unacceptable and by getting away with doing it to you, he WILL do this AGAIN, but next time it may be worse and it might be to someone you know. Then how would u feel.0
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call the store
call the police
take a self defense class
sexual assault has NOTHING to do with what you look like and is 100% on the attacker and their actions. I don't care if you're walking around in your underwear, NO ONE EVER ASKS FOR IT.0 -
kirstinlee wrote: »I'm going to be straight up, and let you all know ahead of time that I'm not entirely sure what I'm asking for, if I am at all. It's just nice to know I have a group of people here who will be there for me when I need it, even if I've never personally known any of you.
I was sexually harassed and assaulted today in the middle of Safeway. He cornered me, grabbed me, and started telling me that he loved me. I was scared enough that I didn't even think about reacting or screaming for help... it was over as quick as it started. Now I feel like just peeling my skin off... or crying... or both.
My husband and I are living in separate states right now, and I'm living with my mom and helping her with my little brothers. I called my husband and he didn't answer, so I texted him to tell him what had just happened. Instead of asking if I was ok, or calling to console me, or acting concerned in general, he essentially blamed me for not getting physical with the guy and blew me off. I can't tell my mom, because she's paranoid as it is, and she would probably never let me go grocery shopping again... which means no more healthy food in the house.
I don't have any friends outside of coworker "friends," so I basically have zero support right now. I'm a resilient person, and it doesn't normally even phase me, but this is rough.
I feel like if I keep losing weight, it's going to get worse. I've noticed that the verbal harassment has gotten gradually worse over the last fifteen pounds, and now this. It's almost enough to make me stop losing weight purely to feel safer.
I do actually have a question, now that I think about it... does anyone have experience with tasers/stun guns? Are they practical to carry? Are they easy to accidentally stun yourself with? Even if I never have to use it, it would be nice to have the feeling of security of having one just in case.
Call the police. How you look has nothing to do with it. Rapists do not target particular body types, ages etc. It is more about control than your physical appearance.
I am surprised you find harassment of any type "normal", or at least this is how it sounds. Is this the same person or group of people harassing you? Do you live in a particularly dangerous area?0 -
kirstinlee wrote: »I'm going to be straight up, and let you all know ahead of time that I'm not entirely sure what I'm asking for, if I am at all. It's just nice to know I have a group of people here who will be there for me when I need it, even if I've never personally known any of you.
I was sexually harassed and assaulted today in the middle of Safeway. He cornered me, grabbed me, and started telling me that he loved me. I was scared enough that I didn't even think about reacting or screaming for help... it was over as quick as it started. Now I feel like just peeling my skin off... or crying... or both.
My husband and I are living in separate states right now, and I'm living with my mom and helping her with my little brothers. I called my husband and he didn't answer, so I texted him to tell him what had just happened. Instead of asking if I was ok, or calling to console me, or acting concerned in general, he essentially blamed me for not getting physical with the guy and blew me off. I can't tell my mom, because she's paranoid as it is, and she would probably never let me go grocery shopping again... which means no more healthy food in the house.
I don't have any friends outside of coworker "friends," so I basically have zero support right now. I'm a resilient person, and it doesn't normally even phase me, but this is rough.
I feel like if I keep losing weight, it's going to get worse. I've noticed that the verbal harassment has gotten gradually worse over the last fifteen pounds, and now this. It's almost enough to make me stop losing weight purely to feel safer.
I do actually have a question, now that I think about it... does anyone have experience with tasers/stun guns? Are they practical to carry? Are they easy to accidentally stun yourself with? Even if I never have to use it, it would be nice to have the feeling of security of having one just in case.
Call the police. How you look has nothing to do with it. Rapists do not target particular body types, ages etc. It is more about control than your physical appearance.
I am surprised you find harassment of any type "normal", or at least this is how it sounds. Is this the same person or group of people harassing you? Do you live in a particularly dangerous area?
Power reassurance rapists do actually have 'types' and they pre-select their victim through peeping or stalking. Not what anyone wants to hear I'm sure, but different rapes fit different profiles.
It is important to go to the police because the detectives will ask questions and help you determine which 'type' of sexual offender this is and whether or not he poses a direct and serious threat to you again from this point forward. Him saying he 'loved' you in this instance would have me seriously worried. He may have been stalking you without your knowledge.
ETA: There is another part, a much smaller part, of me that says he is a little crazy and may just be off his rocker. It's not a lot, but there is some hope that he's just a loon.0 -
This was not sexual harrassment, it was sexual assault if he touched you in ANY way. Do you know this guy? Call the police! The store will still have the security dvd. DO NOT LET HIM GET AWAY WITH IT! And your looks has nothing to do with it. Rape has nothing to do with looks, attractiveness, or anything else but power. He wants someone to love him so much that he has total control over her. This guy is sick, so help get him off the street because he will do this to other women. I have worked in law enforcement and have seen it too many times. As for a stun gun, you might be better off with pepper spray. And from personal experience....it has nothing to do with you, and you did nothing to make this happen. You keep being the wonderful person that you are. You got lots of friends here who will listen and support you. Use us.0
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1.) file a report
2.) call the store and tell them
3.) take some self defense classes
4.) don't let yourself get cornered
5.) KICK SOME BALLS.
Seriously- just kick his balls. in.
Don't take that ish from anyone. Don't let some *kitten* stop you from getting to your goals. Find a new way to walk and stand loud and proud- shoulders back- people are less likely to mess with you if they dont' see you as a target (unfortunate but true).
Obviously parking your vehicle in a safe well lite place- and asking if one of the baggers will walk you to your car.
^This0 -
lilaclovebird wrote: »kirstinlee wrote: »I'm going to be straight up, and let you all know ahead of time that I'm not entirely sure what I'm asking for, if I am at all. It's just nice to know I have a group of people here who will be there for me when I need it, even if I've never personally known any of you.
I was sexually harassed and assaulted today in the middle of Safeway. He cornered me, grabbed me, and started telling me that he loved me. I was scared enough that I didn't even think about reacting or screaming for help... it was over as quick as it started. Now I feel like just peeling my skin off... or crying... or both.
My husband and I are living in separate states right now, and I'm living with my mom and helping her with my little brothers. I called my husband and he didn't answer, so I texted him to tell him what had just happened. Instead of asking if I was ok, or calling to console me, or acting concerned in general, he essentially blamed me for not getting physical with the guy and blew me off. I can't tell my mom, because she's paranoid as it is, and she would probably never let me go grocery shopping again... which means no more healthy food in the house.
I don't have any friends outside of coworker "friends," so I basically have zero support right now. I'm a resilient person, and it doesn't normally even phase me, but this is rough.
I feel like if I keep losing weight, it's going to get worse. I've noticed that the verbal harassment has gotten gradually worse over the last fifteen pounds, and now this. It's almost enough to make me stop losing weight purely to feel safer.
I do actually have a question, now that I think about it... does anyone have experience with tasers/stun guns? Are they practical to carry? Are they easy to accidentally stun yourself with? Even if I never have to use it, it would be nice to have the feeling of security of having one just in case.
Call the police. How you look has nothing to do with it. Rapists do not target particular body types, ages etc. It is more about control than your physical appearance.
I am surprised you find harassment of any type "normal", or at least this is how it sounds. Is this the same person or group of people harassing you? Do you live in a particularly dangerous area?
Power reassurance rapists do actually have 'types' and they pre-select their victim through peeping or stalking. Not what anyone wants to hear I'm sure, but different rapes fit different profiles.
It is important to go to the police because the detectives will ask questions and help you determine which 'type' of sexual offender this is and whether or not he poses a direct and serious threat to you again from this point forward. Him saying he 'loved' you in this instance would have me seriously worried. He may have been stalking you without your knowledge.
ETA: There is another part, a much smaller part, of me that says he is a little crazy and may just be off his rocker. It's not a lot, but there is some hope that he's just a loon.
Not as a monolith0 -
If this is the same person all the time, it's assault. Report him to the authorities. Shop somewhere else. Speak loudly in response. Get stronger physically. Learn how to defend yourself from predators. Carry a loud whistle.0
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I did not read all the posts, but I got to the second part of this and this was Sexual Assault to the first degree. As soon as someone puts their hands on you, it is an assault.
The police needed to be notified. No if's or and's or but', not calling was a bad choice.
I was held up at gun point two years ago. I did call the police. I now have a license to conceal.
There are really just bad eggs out there that have nothing but evil going on in their brains. The bad eggs just want to hurt you/people and want to comit violence.
As soon as you realize this, you will not worry about the 15 pounds, mom, husband, you instinctively do what you have to do to be aware at all times people/surroundings and do what you have to to protect yourself.
Get smart about things and please report this when it happens..0 -
lilaclovebird wrote: »HealthyVitamins wrote: »You said its gotten worse the verbal harassment as you've lost weight...Is this from the same person or others around you? You must call the police about this.
@HealthyVitamins Street harassment is becoming very common in large cities, and let's face it, EVERYONE seems to have an opinion on someone else's body and a lot of them feel they have the right to speak it. It may not be someone specific.
In my experience, it is definitely not someone specific - and there is an inverse correlation to weight and a direct correlation to hair length (my hair is below my waist - when it is short the street harassment is much lower).It's jealousy ppl only chat s**t cs they haven't gt the confidence to do anything about there own life. But if its affecting you this much you really need to tell someone cos you dnt deserve to have to hear such rubbish from potty mouths.
Street harassment is NOT jealousy. It is sexual aggression.0 -
Defiantly call the police as well as the store manager. That kind of situation can very quickly escalate, and if calling the police means he doesn't do that to someone else, it's worth the uncomfortableness of making the report.
And yeah, self defense class. You can't rely on a weapon to protect you because what happens if you're grabbed in a way you can't get to it? Weapons are great if you see the threat coming, but if you don't, you have only your body and skills to draw from to defend yourself. A self-defense class will train you that way, so if it does happen again, you won't freeze. If nothing else, start yelling 911 at the top of your lungs. Or Fire, but 911 is a quick way of letting people around you know that something's wrong and gives them a nudge for action.
Also, tasers are illegal in some states, so check that before you get one.0 -
Call the police. How you look has nothing to do with it. Rapists do not target particular body types, ages etc. It is more about control than your physical appearance.
I am surprised you find harassment of any type "normal", or at least this is how it sounds. Is this the same person or group of people harassing you? Do you live in a particularly dangerous area?
You are correct that all women are potential targets (I have sat through post-rape hospital exams with individuals from age 4 to age 80), and that the act itself is an exercise of power (or anger).
But it isn't true that women are always (or even predominantly) targeted indiscriminately. Rapists target women they perceive as unwilling to fight back - for example. I can't tell you the number of repeat rape survivors I have worked with, and frequently I can pick them out in a crowd because after a decade of working with rape survivors, I can see what rapists see when they are targeting women. And, as someone pointed out below, rapists can have types (including traditionally attractive women they sometimes perceive as "uppity," with the goal of putting them in their place.
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Call the police. How you look has nothing to do with it. Rapists do not target particular body types, ages etc. It is more about control than your physical appearance.
I am surprised you find harassment of any type "normal", or at least this is how it sounds. Is this the same person or group of people harassing you? Do you live in a particularly dangerous area?
You are correct that all women are potential targets (I have sat through post-rape hospital exams with individuals from age 4 to age 80), and that the act itself is an exercise of power (or anger).
But it isn't true that women are always (or even predominantly) targeted indiscriminately. Rapists target women they perceive as unwilling to fight back - for example. I can't tell you the number of repeat rape survivors I have worked with, and frequently I can pick them out in a crowd because after a decade of working with rape survivors, I can see what rapists see when they are targeting women. And, as someone pointed out below, rapists can have types (including traditionally attractive women they sometimes perceive as "uppity," with the goal of putting them in their place.
Some rapists have types, some just go after targets of opportunity. But yeah, your attitude when you walk can make a difference. If you look like someone that can and WILL defend themselves, the chances of assault do go down a lot. I won't say the changes go to 0, but most rapists are unwilling to go after someone that can and will hurt them unless they have the clear advantage. Best thing you can do is not give them that advantage. Also, when it comes to your safety, don't be a lady. So many women have trouble with that because a lot of us are raised to be nice and polite, we're not supposed to get into fights and so on. That can be a very hard thing to overcome, which is why a self defense class is helpful.
And pay attention to your instincts. If a situation or person is making you uncomfortable, you have the right to remove yourself. You don't have to say why, but find someone you know or a place to go where you do feel safe. If you're parked at the back of a parking lot and something doesn't look right around your car, go back in and ask the manager to send someone to escort you back to your car. If you think someone is following you, go into a public store and call someone you know. You have to train yourself to pay attention to your surroundings. It does feels awkward and paranoid at first, but once you get used to it, it becomes a background process in your head, which gives you an edge.0 -
kirstinlee wrote: »I feel like if I keep losing weight, it's going to get worse. I've noticed that the verbal harassment has gotten gradually worse over the last fifteen pounds, and now this. It's almost enough to make me stop losing weight purely to feel safer.
Geez, where the heck do you live that you are constantly harassed?
Don't use this as an excuse to give up on your goals. Predators don't target people because they are thin. They look for victims. They become adept at identifying those that are unlikely to fight back or report the crime. Don't be that victim. Report it.0 -
You should go talk to the store managers... They may be able to access security cameras so you can figure out who it was and report it. As far as tasers go, there are some pretty compact ones if you really feel the need to cary one. You might have better luck with a keychain type mace before you go for a taser through.
also, i really think you should have a "sit down" discussion with your husband regarding his lack of concern about what happened and how he responded to you. i would make sure he understands that he showed NO compassion or concern about what happened. i would be cussing at my husband, especially since we are in the same house, about not being concerned. but my husband isn't like that. if i am freaking out, he will wait until i am done screaming and ask if i want to talk about it. to be fair, my husband doesn't really know if my freaking out is something he should be concerned about because i am always screaming and yelling about my job and animal abuse and such. LOL0 -
Concur with the recommendations (for all three): 1) Report it to the legal authorities (police, etc.) 2) Report it to the store/management, and 3) consider taking a self-defense course. Many places offer a course designed for women (an example at
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pndPbpHLpos). 0 -
Sexual harassment is NEVER OK. Just because you wear clothes that may show a little (in your mind), it is never ok to sexually harass someone.
If they corner you, YELL OUT. SCREAM. KICK. DO SOMETHING. Be in control. It will shake them up and maybe scare them away.
Then you contact the store management and file a report.
Don't let your low self-esteem rationalize this behavior as being your fault and acceptable. And if your husband says it's your fault, he needs a hard kick in the balls. No man should denounce his partner (same for women) and should have your back 100%.0 -
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oops Double postkirstinlee wrote: »...
I was sexually harassed and assaulted today in the middle of Safeway. He cornered me, grabbed me, and started telling me that he loved me. I was scared enough that I didn't even think about reacting or screaming for help... it was over as quick as it started. Now I feel like just peeling my skin off... or crying... or both.
...
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Call the cops for sure. And talk to a counselor about it. And maybe consider talking about your relationship with your husband and family to said counselor.0
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Your husband probably feels violated by this too but being a guy wants to have been there to smack this jerk around. A guys reaction is to fight and that's why he said that to you even if it was not the right thing to say. I am just saying that it may have made sense to him, at that moment. I understand the shock but if you were to ask me (as in what to do different next time). Its your call but I would tell my wife to make a scene ie. forcibly push him way, yell loudly something like "pervert" and run to the front of the store pointing at him screaming call the police. The will most likely have some video of him and may even have the attack recorded. He has likely done this many times before and is known to the police. If nothing else he probably would not enter the store again. This assumes that this is important enough for you to suffer through the time loss and aggravation to ID a mentally ill person. The only result, other the time you loose, will probably be getting him on a sex offender database. On the other hand it is possible that you could prevent another attack or worse. Don't feel like you did anything wrong. I honestly think my wife would have done the same as you. I will take your advice and ask her if she is okay. Hope you recover from this and can get past it okay.0
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Thanks for the responses, everyone. It'll be easier to just respond to everyone at once --
1. I'm for sure looking into self defense classes, but I live in a fairly small town where there aren't a lot of options. There is a dojo, so I'm going to look into that.
2. I'm going to go in and talk to the store manager tomorrow. See if I can get some footage or something.
3. For those of you asking why I get harassed so often, I work at a popular truck stop/travel plaza. Sexual harassment is just part of the job, and pretty much an every day thing for me now. They actually warn you when they hire you. A customer can stand at the counter and tell you his entire fantasy about you, and unless he touches you, the fact that he just bought $900 in fuel trumps your feelings about it.
4. My husband actually did apologize to me in his own way. He was much softer with me last night when I talked to him again.
Thank you so much for your concern... It means way more than you know.0 -
Sexual harassment is NEVER OK. Just because you wear clothes that may show a little (in your mind), it is never ok to sexually harass someone.
. . .
Don't let your low self-esteem rationalize this behavior as being your fault and acceptable. And if your husband says it's your fault, he needs a hard kick in the balls. No man should denounce his partner (same for women) and should have your back 100%.
There is a difference between knowing it is not your fault, and how your gut reacts (consciously or not) to a correlation between weighing less and increased sexual aggression.
It is NEVER ok to act in a sexually aggressive manner toward another (non-consenting) person. (And, just to be clear, consent is NEVER implied by dress, ambiguous speech, weight, etc. - consent means true, affirmative, express consent.)
That doesn't change the gut reaction, and no amount of rational, logical thought can make you unfeel what you are feeling. You feel what you feel - the best you can do is recognize what you're feeling and take steps to avoid letting it control your behavior.
As to the husband - the feelings you express are absolutely justified. But - as someone mentioned above, feeling helpless can make people behave in strange ways. My mother had a very similar reaction - when I was 1000 miles away and there was nothing she could do to help her hurt child. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon. Doesn't mean she wouldn't be justified in tearing him to shreds, or that his reaction won't do serious damage to their relationship. Just that there may be things other than allocating blame going on in his head.0 -
I also wanted to say, it's not too late to report it to the police. You might want to involve them in the conversation with the store to get the footage. That's critical evidence.
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