Advice: 12 year old is overweight :(

Julieash

Our doctor said that my 12 year old daughter should lose a good 30lbs (she weighs 130lbs) and I try to make her move more but we don't do too many activities. I just bought a treadmill because I also need to lose 30lbs and I'm wondering if I should tell her to use the treadmill and if so then how long and how often? I don't want to push her too hard but she is starting high school in September and I know that she will not like being overweight in high school

I had a long talk with her about it last night about how it's important for her health and just got her a Fitbit but I'm just wondering what kinds of workouts are good for a 12 year old.

LKArgh

At this age, I would ask her to choose a sport. I would be clear that she needs to choose one, but let her pick what she wants to do (within reason). Or at least what she would hate less to do. And increase overall physical activity: go for walks, get her a bike, go hiking on weekends, join a pool and so on.

jemhh

I would go on walks with her, have her try a few classes to see if there's something she enjoys, or try to start training with her at home. You both could work through the book New Rules of Lifting for Women, for example.

Julieash

I've tried tons of times to get her interested in sports but she doesn't want to. At school she'll love it but not outside of school. And in the summer she's more active, always on her bike and outside but in the winter its harder. And now at 12 years old when she gets together with her friends it's to sit around and play on their tablets... and the other part of the problem is that I have shared custody and at her father's they eat a lot more junk and restaurants all the time, I've fought with him about this this but I have no control over what she eats 2 weeks a month that's why I had a long talk with her.

JennieMaeK

aggelikik wrote: »

At this age, I would ask her to choose a sport. I would be clear that she needs to choose one, but let her pick what she wants to do (within reason). Or at least what she would hate less to do. And increase overall physical activity: go for walks, get her a bike, go hiking on weekends, join a pool and so on.

I agree. I don't have a teenage daughter (I do have an 8 year old son), but I think letting her chose is best. Having the treadmill at home is great as is seeing you getting healthy.

What does she like to do? Is there activities you can do as a family? Biking, dancing, hiking, soccer, etc. I know my community rec centre has fitness programs that are for youth and teens. They offer zumba classes, yoga, stuff like that.

sunnybeaches105

Your kids do what you do. If your diet is bad then their diet will be bad. If you sit on the couch and watch TV they will sit on the couch and play on their iPhones. Get out and get active. Take your kids with you, and yes encourage her to join a sport. I'm guessing that she's already set in her ways since she's 13, but start now. Most importantly, don't judge her, you've set the example that she's simply following. Change the example.

As for what exercises that are good, pretty much anything. Weightlifting, gymnastics, running, and walking are all good. Let her find her passion and again, be supportive.

Ninkyou

JennieMaeK wrote: »

aggelikik wrote: »

At this age, I would ask her to choose a sport. I would be clear that she needs to choose one, but let her pick what she wants to do (within reason). Or at least what she would hate less to do. And increase overall physical activity: go for walks, get her a bike, go hiking on weekends, join a pool and so on.

I agree. Have her choose a sport or dance (tap/ballet/jazz/etc).

Also maybe go back to her doctor and ask for a referral to a pediatric dietician to help you.

mbaker566

hiking, zumba, walking, step competitions

Lleldiranne

At this age, all you can do is give her the tools/information and let her make the decisions herself. Help her sign up for spark teens.com so she can track her calories. Invite her to do active things with you, like hiking or playing outdoor games - things you can enjoy together. Provide nutritious snacks and meals and limit how many treats are in the house. And, above all, be the example. Create a good relationship with food and physical activity yourself, and she will follow that example more than if you just lecture her or require that she spend time on the treadmill.

A referral to a pediatric dietician is also a really good idea. Let the RD talk to your daughter and teach her, you're just there as support (teens will do more when the info comes straight from the doctor/specialist that from mom or dad).

Another thing that our pediatrician has mentioned - don't make anything forbidden or off limits. If you don't allow any chocolate (or chips, or soda, or whatever) at all, she is more likely to sneak it or binge when it's available at a friends house. Instead, have proper amounts allowed as treats. Right now, you want to help your daughter create lifelong healthy habits, not just diet to get rid of the extra weight and start a cycle of gain/lose. And, if there's a chance that she will still grow some, it's better for her to grow into her weight instead of losing it (FWIW, my daughter and I are both right about 5'1" and are alright around 120-130).

Signed - a mom of a teenage daughter who was in almost that exact same place a few years ago

sanfromny

Julieash wrote: »

I've tried tons of times to get her interested in sports but she doesn't want to. At school she'll love it but not outside of school. And in the summer she's more active, always on her bike and outside but in the winter its harder. And now at 12 years old when she gets together with her friends it's to sit around and play on their tablets... and the other part of the problem is that I have shared custody and at her father's they eat a lot more junk and restaurants all the time, I've fought with him about this this but I have no control over what she eats 2 weeks a month that's why I had a long talk with her.

take them to the mall so they can walk around or skating or the bowling alley. My daughter is about the same age, I don't let let her and her friends hang around the room zoned out for hours

sunnybeaches105

Oh, let me add, check if you have Girls on the Run in your area. If not, then start one. It's more about trying and self-self-esteme than competing, and sometimes that can get someone started.

niniundlapin

I hated exercise when I was 12 and wish someone could talk me into something more active...

OP, how about Zumba video on YouTube (or whatever dance video)? I know it's not as fun as playing a real game console, but at least it's something you both can do together. A clever friend of mine picked her favorite videos, categorized them into different difficulty levels (the more difficult, the more points), and made a Monopoly-type of game herself as a home party activity. Each team will then throw the dice to decide which song to dance and how many points they get from the difficulty level. I'm pretty active but still had a good workout after a big party meal.

SarcasmIsMyLoveLanguage

Tough situation, especially with the shared custody scenario. Are you on friendly terms with your ex, where you could discuss with him what the doctor said and work together?

I agree with the others about getting her involved in a sport she enjoys. Your local rec centre should have inexpensive options, so she can try a few things without breaking the bank.

Ultimately though, you are the parent and you may have to step it up a bit in terms of forcing the issue. She may not like having limited screen time now, but she will thank you in the future. Perhaps you could have a reward system whereby 15 mins of physical activity = ? mins of screen time. It would be better if you didn't have to go down that road, but hey, us parents have to do what we have to do sometimes.

This coming from someone who was exactly the same at that age and wishes someone would have been a bit more forceful.

DawnieB1977

Doesn't she do sports at school? When I was at primary school I used to play netball, then I did badminton at secondary school. I also did gymnastics and swimming lessons at one point.

My kids are a lot younger - 6, 4 and 20 months - but my eldest 2 have swimming lessons, and they all have scooters, plus the big two have bikes. My 4 year old wants roller blades for her birthday. That might be a good idea for you and your daughter, you could skate together. It's fun, and it's exercise.

Plan fun, active things to do together at the weekend - swimming, skating, cycling etc. if you're near the sea/a lake maybe do windsurfing or something.

Treece68

I resented (hmmm still do) my parents making me do sports I did not like, let her choose something or just plan fun (active) weekend activities. Swimming at the Y, rollerskating, Just Dance on the wii, maybe she like Drama and dance, rock climbing, skiing (if that is available in your area). So you both are having fun and being active. She is going to be in High School at 12?

snowflake930

Since weight loss is 80% diet, maybe you should make changes to eat healthier as a family. Exercise is important, but for weight loss you need to teach her that you have to eat less calories than you burn. Children learn by example and if she sees that you are making an effort to become healthier, maybe she will want to join you. This would work for becoming more active as well. There are a lot of options on the internet for work outs that you can do together. Go for walks etc. You got her a fitbit, have her get into challenges with friends on fitbit.

Try to remember when you were her age. Remember what it was like to feel you did not fit in, for whatever reason, at that age. It is not easy.

WickedPineapple

If you're looking to sign her up for something, invite her friends. I know at that age I'd be exponentially more likely to do something if my friends did too.

I wouldn't recommend any specific work out unless she shows interest. You might just want to start with walking. The fitbit was a great idea. You can do rewards too, which I think would work better than explaining health benefits/risks (which hardly works on adults, much less kids). Maybe if she increases her average steps by 500 every month or so you take her to a movie she wants to see or something.

As for the winter, you can still go for walks or hike together. Another idea might be a Wii or Kinect (for Xbox), which has games that get you on your feet that she can play with you or her friends.

kshama2001

Julieash wrote: »

I've tried tons of times to get her interested in sports but she doesn't want to. At school she'll love it but not outside of school. And in the summer she's more active, always on her bike and outside but in the winter its harder. And now at 12 years old when she gets together with her friends it's to sit around and play on their tablets... and the other part of the problem is that I have shared custody and at her father's they eat a lot more junk and restaurants all the time, I've fought with him about this this but I have no control over what she eats 2 weeks a month that's why I had a long talk with her.

Can you talk to her father non-judgmentally about increasing her activity? Maybe doing something athletic with her would be fun for him as well? I see fathers and daughters playing basketball and such at the Y, and hiking in the woods. My brother-in-law is always doing athletic stuff with his kids, who are boys, but that needn't matter.

Steve_ApexNC

Julieash wrote: »

I've tried tons of times to get her interested in sports but she doesn't want to. At school she'll love it but not outside of school. And in the summer she's more active, always on her bike and outside but in the winter its harder. And now at 12 years old when she gets together with her friends it's to sit around and play on their tablets... and the other part of the problem is that I have shared custody and at her father's they eat a lot more junk and restaurants all the time, I've fought with him about this this but I have no control over what she eats 2 weeks a month that's why I had a long talk with her.

priority 1 is to teach her good diet habits so she has the tools to make good choices no matter where she is. Diet will have a much larger impact to her weight than sports. Education is the key here. Let her weigh and portion her own foods at home...let her pick some meals and work out calories for herself.

if she doesn't like sports or exercise, forcing it will likely backfire. Maybe try new things...how about dance classs or geocaching or mall walking with mom or outdoor photography. You mentioned she likes to be on her bike...maybe you could look around for a youth bicycling club in warmer month. As someone else mentioned above, perhaps social clubs such as drama. Get a cheap video camera and make a movie with she and her friends. Those aren't "sport" or "exercise" but it is time out and about away from the snacking at home out after school and a great chance to learn stuff along the way.

You mentioned when she gets together with friends, it is to play on the tablets. That is one terrible side effect of technology I fear. It is easy to pick up and easy to find things to capture the mind. Maybe you could create a different environment for her friends...once a week have some form of active gathering such as Twister or micro RC races or whatever. Again, it isn't exercise, but it is human interaction with some body movement beyond fingertips and thumbs.

MKEgal

Look at your local parks & rec program.
See what active things they have that would interest her, and maybe even her friends.

Set a good example. Help her learn about healthy nutrition, cooking, etc.
If you have to, confiscate the electronics & she can earn them back with minutes of activity.

Raking the lawn, shoveling snow (she can do it for an elderly neighbor too), walking the dog
(or the neighbor's dog, or she can volunteer at the local humane society to walk their dogs),
riding her bike (with you, so you're sure she really is out riding), walking (ditto), tai chi,
yoga, swimming, roller skating, karate... just about anything that gets her on her feet & moving.

There are indoor skating rinks (roller & ice) and bicycle arenas for winter.
Indoor swimming.
Mall walking (but keep walking!).

And of course, the doctor needs to do a bit more than just say "lose weight".
S/he can explain why it's good for her health, and a referral to a dietician isn't out of line.
Children are not just little adults, which is part of why they're not allowed on MFP.
They need different nutrition, etc.

qtiekiki

Can you work out together? So it's not like I am making you do this, but we are getting/staying healthy together. Start with walking, then move on to hiking and jogging. Dance is a good idea. I personally do not like the treadmill, so I would hate it if someone tells me to use one.

myheartsabattleground

YOU have to be interested.
YOU are HER mother.
What YOU do, directly impacts HER future.

Instead of complaining that SHE doesn't wanna do anything, maybe look at YOURSELF and decide to change YOURSELF. She will then follow suit.

nutmegoreo

What about something like kickboxing? It will give her confidence that she can take care of herself, and it's a great workout.

cafeaulait7

She could try some of this at home, too, with DVDs or youtube. There are so many choices and it's in the privacy of home, in case she doesn't feel like being social with it. Y'all could choose one together if she likes that I recommend belly dance or Caribbean dance for a couple of ideas people don't always think of. So fun!

lisalsd1

I was an overweight kid, and I can tell you that my mother TELLING me to use the treadmill would have backfired. I would have viewed that as a punishment and resented both my mother and exercise. Honestly, your daughter KNOWS she is overweight. Having your mother reinforce that by telling you to exercise isn't going to help at 12 years old.

What I really WISH I had at the time was a role model for healthy eating and a healthy active lifestyle (not in a pushy or preachy way). I had a tennis coach (my mom signed me up for private lessons ), who was more of an inspiration for me. I didn't want to play a team sport; we'll, b/c I was a fat kid and sucked at sports. You might see what sport she is interested in that can be done in a non-competitive way.

DrifterBear

Don't put her on a 'diet' and don't put her on a treadmill. It all starts and ends with YOU! You have 30 lbs to lose too, so you both need to eat better and be more active. If you are a good role model and serve healthy portion controlled meals and go for walks, etc., she'll follow. Get a couple bikes, look up local hiking places near you. Maybe get a camera and get her out in the woods or wherever you live. Take pictures of wildlife and go home and try to figure out and document what you found. Whatever it is, if you start spending time with her doing healthy activities, she'll be more likely to pick up that lifestyle.

Bonny132

I can only tell you what worked for me (till I discovered alcohol, fast foods and stopped exercising)

I got involved with a local fitness team, for me, I really enjoyed athletics, my group was great and catered for all abilities and made exercise fun and competitive but in a good way (they had awards for greatest improvements etc) These days I do have wii competitions with my nieces etc, it encourages play through video play and Movements! And it is fun!! You can play with friends and with family.

You need to find exercise she enjoys doing, and focus on that, take her out, get her involved, and support her fiercely, and ensure your ex does the same, thi is his daughter after all, and you both want her to be healthy and happy. Are you able to talk to him on a decent friendly basis? Can you both visit the doctor for example to talk to him/her about her weight issues and come up with a common plan that you both will see through?

kshama2001

I didn't like team sports, but I did like tennis lessons, and riding my bike to and from those lessons, and I liked rollerblading at the rink despite the fact that disco was the music du jour.

middlehaitch

I hated any kind of exercise at her age, and my son was about to follow the trend. At age 12-13 he decided to take taikwando. He liked it because it was a personal achievement sport, not competitive.
He stuck at it for over 5 years. During that time riding his bike back and forth he got interested in cycling, being a bit heavier than his peers, he found long distance running his best sport at school, and I encouraged him take swimming lessons from the age of 5.
All this segued into him becoming one of the top under 25 provincial triathletes, and an ironman competitor.
Now, he road races on his bike, and has just got him and his son into taikwando again.
Look for something that is self challenging rather than competitive.
Martial arts and triathlon are the 2 that I can recommend.
Singular but social.

Cheers, h.

victoria_1024

Ugh 12 is the worst age to be a girl! You already feel so bad about yourself. I would be reeeally cautious with those conversations. You don't want her to go too far the other direction. Puberty is a time where lots of girls gain weight and then thin out later so she might naturally lose the weight as she grows.

BioQueen

My parents made me do a sport - I could really choose whatever I wanted, but I HAD to do something. If she doesn't like team sports there are tons of fun more solitary sports (that's what I chose to do, I'm not good at the sportsball). I didn't really start gaining weight until AFTER I stopped doing my sports and went to college. I was always at the upper end of my healthy BMI until about 17/18 years old.

I remember my dad telling me once that I "should start going to the gym". He wasn't being mean or pushy, but I will never forget him saying it and how awful it made me feel in high school. I would also encourage healthy snacking and not keeping too much junk in the house.