Advice: 12 year old is overweight :(

Packerjohn

mangamadayan wrote: »

Why don't you prepare her mentally to perform well in school and grow into an independent woman rather than sow the seeds of a long life of insecurity and body image problems. When she grows up she will learn from her peers to take care of her health. She doesn't need to be told she is overweight at 12 unless it's serious obesity. I think she may already know she is overweight, why push?

The daughter is 130 pounds and the doctor said she needs to lose "a good 30 pounds", Given those parameters, she most likely is in the obese range. The parents need to ensure the daughter's health now.

EvgeniZyntx

Forget exercise for a 12-13 year old (hold on - keep reading). It is next to useless as there I no personal commitment and consistency won't be a driving force. Exercise is boring, per se. Time and time again - exercise programs geared towards kids fail because there is no end goal or pleasure point. Why do it? It's a chore. Exercise works when it is seen as a way of getting stronger or faster or better for a specific activity.

Instead you need to focus on activities. In one manner or another, she needs to find a secondary winter activity to complement biking or she needs to walk more. Have the discussion that activities are important and that she needs to choose one. Or she's going to join you on yours.

Of my daughters, I have the youngest daughter that is a slightly pudgy - the only thing that is protecting her at this time is her calendar - fencing as her core activity, along with cross training with me for runs (she trails me on her push skate) or skates or climbing dates (her sister's activity) or scouts. Without real push for pleasant selective activities, exercise doesn't happen.

And it isn't about losing weight. It's about self confidence to do awesome things. Help her fake it till she makes it.

msf74

Just do the best you can and never stop doing that. That's really all you can do.

When she is with you set a good example by eating a healthy, balanced diet and engage in a range of activities (rather than exercise which is an excellent distinction to make) with her. Hopefully one or a couple will stick.

Don't forget the long view here by panicking about the short term.

Expatmommy79

Start with her father. Go to counseling if you must and get together to meet a pediatric dietician.

If he objects - lawyer and revise custody. If he won't take her doctor or her health seriously he doesn't get to keep her 1/2 the month.

Once you can agree to co-parent and make her health a priority, you can worry about a kitchen and activity strategy that she can do consistently in both homes.

Counseling for your daughter may be a good idea also. Perhaps she is eating her feelings....it can't be easy going between both her parents.

sgthaggard

Twelve is prime time for body image issues so, no, I would not ask her to use the treadmill. I wouldn't even mention her weight. Just get her involved in something - ask her to go for walks with you, sign her up for a sport for the 'social aspect'.

TBH, I didn't ask my kids if they wanted to be involved in sports. I told them that they could choose the sport but not doing something was not an option. And if they decided to drop out after a year, they didn't do it without having another active activity lined up.

My husband and I also led by example. You can't really expect her to want to become active if you aren't modelling the behaviour.

zoeysasha37

lisalsd1 wrote: »

I was an overweight kid, and I can tell you that my mother TELLING me to use the treadmill would have backfired. I would have viewed that as a punishment and resented both my mother and exercise. Honestly, your daughter KNOWS she is overweight. Having your mother reinforce that by telling you to exercise isn't going to help at 12 years old.

What I really WISH I had at the time was a role model for healthy eating and a healthy active lifestyle (not in a pushy or preachy way). I had a tennis coach (my mom signed me up for private lessons ), who was more of an inspiration for me. I didn't want to play a team sport; we'll, b/c I was a fat kid and sucked at sports. You might see what sport she is interested in that can be done in a non-competitive way.

This

zoeysasha37

3AAnn3 wrote: »

sunnybeaches105 wrote: »

Your kids do what you do. If your diet is bad then their diet will be bad. If you sit on the couch and watch TV they will sit on the couch and play on their iPhones. Get out and get active. Take your kids with you, and yes encourage her to join a sport. I'm guessing that she's already set in her ways since she's 13, but start now. Most importantly, don't judge her, you've set the example that she's simply following. Change the example.

As for what exercises that are good, pretty much anything. Weightlifting, gymnastics, running, and walking are all good. Let her find her passion and again, be supportive.

I beg to differ. Kids all have their own interests. One of my boys loves to do active stuff, like me. The other loves to take apart electrical components and put them back together. He's never seen anyone do that. My daughter is 2, so not really sure who she is yet. My point is, you have an influence, but you're not the only one...

I also have a male child who enjoys playing with electronics. I myself have no interest in them ! @3AAnn3

Julieash

Thanks everyone for the advice.. First of all I do set the example because I run 45 minutes on the treadmill every day (or at least 5 times a week) and we do eat good at my house, problem is that the next week when she's at her dad's she'll eat cake and sit on her butt all day. I must say there's no sugar in my house and no junk food.

Now my daughter is a very smart girl, she doesn't move enough because she's always at the kitchen table doing her homework, she's always studying and she's going to a private school next year for high school so yes I do very much encourage her to keep in her books and I do tell her that her needing to take care of her weight is NOT about being pretty.. it's about her health.

And I do not 'force' her to get on the treadmill, last night when I got off she right away got on without me asking her, I told her I'll coach her and help her and we can be partners in this so she fast walked and jogged for a good 30 minutes and then she was full of energy the rest of the evening so I told her makes you feel really good

LKArgh

Julieash wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the advice.. First of all I do set the example because I run 45 minutes on the treadmill every day (or at least 5 times a week) and we do eat good at my house, problem is that the next week when she's at her dad's she'll eat cake and sit on her butt all day. I must say there's no sugar in my house and no junk food.

Now my daughter is a very smart girl, she doesn't move enough because she's always at the kitchen table doing her homework, she's always studying and she's going to a private school next year for high school so yes I do very much encourage her to keep in her books and I do tell her that her needing to take care of her weight is NOT about being pretty.. it's about her health.

And I do not 'force' her to get on the treadmill, last night when I got off she right away got on without me asking her, I told her I'll coach her and help her and we can be partners in this so she fast walked and jogged for a good 30 minutes and then she was full of energy the rest of the evening so I told her makes you feel really good

Two things:
-You need to adjust your mentality to accepting that your dr being healthy and in shape is as important as being a good student. Or rather, being in shape is as important as being a good student, being healthy is far more important. I was also a kid similar to how you describe yours, and like many other kids living this way, I wish my parents had focused more on balance than on grades. Yes, I would have been still a good student if I also had a scheduled few hours per week to do sports. I doubt any child this young needs to spend every hour she is awake to doing homework, and if she does need this (which, like I said, I doubt it), then maybe it is time to accept that she does not need top grades in everything. Balance is important. It is not good for a child this young to be labelled as the good student who does not need to focus on anything else. I would rather my child was falling behind, not getting into the best school etc, than ending up with diabetes at 15. You are not talking about a slightly overweight kid here, you are talking about someone who needs to lose more than 1/4 of her weight per dr's orders. This is serious and should be the top priority.
- While the focus should be on health, realistically looks matter. The average preteen and teenager wants to look good. Probably more than she wants to be healthy, kids brains focus more on short-term goals and on being accepted by peers, than on long term health improvement. Do not tell her she is anything but beautiful of course, but do not dismiss completely the argument that the fitter she is, the better her body will look. If she has that much to lose, she knows she is chubby and probably wants to change this, even if she does not know how.


Also, do not confuse fitness adult goals with how active a kid should be. 30 minutes of fast walk/jog for a child this young, it is very little, even if she does it every day. She need to be far more active than this. It is a start, but just a tiny baby step. http://www.cdc.gov/physicalactivity/basics/children/

sgthaggard

You need to sit down with dad and have a real grown-up conversation.

snowflake930

Sounds like you are handling this well while your daughter is with you.

You do need to have a talk with Dad about this. He needs to get on board and help with this.

mbaker566

dad should get involved. also remember it's not about eating healthy, it's about a calorie deficit.

encourage her to take study breaks and walk around the house or something, it will actually help her. it gives her brain a break

body image is hard especially as a teen

sunnybeaches105

3AAnn3 wrote: »

sunnybeaches105 wrote: »

Your kids do what you do. If your diet is bad then their diet will be bad. If you sit on the couch and watch TV they will sit on the couch and play on their iPhones. Get out and get active. Take your kids with you, and yes encourage her to join a sport. I'm guessing that she's already set in her ways since she's 13, but start now. Most importantly, don't judge her, you've set the example that she's simply following. Change the example.

As for what exercises that are good, pretty much anything. Weightlifting, gymnastics, running, and walking are all good. Let her find her passion and again, be supportive.

I beg to differ. Kids all have their own interests. One of my boys loves to do active stuff, like me. The other loves to take apart electrical components and put them back together. He's never seen anyone do that. My daughter is 2, so not really sure who she is yet. My point is, you have an influence, but you're not the only one...

I guess we're just lucky and hit the kiddo lotto with our two

snowflake930

moyer566 wrote: »

body image is hard especially as a teen

^This and you have to reinforce the notion, CONSTANTLY, that she is great in so many ways. Being healthy is part of it, but there is so much more to each of us. A lot of important characteristics that make them into the person they are.

I have a 30 yo DD, and she has thanked me numerous times for stressing that fact when she was growing up. She is a confident young woman today.

besee_2000

I'm am just going to set this here as a tool for you as a mother. http://www.chalenejohnson.com/podcasts/never-ever-call-a-kid-fat/

First off, she is 100% aware she is overweight. You and the doctor telling her she is can only make her more self-conscious. Its terrible to tell her to hit the treadmill when the first thing to do is teach health eating habits. You are setting her up for eating disorders and poor self-image as she matures to an adult. Please please listen to Chalene's podcast or read the transcript. I find her advice hits home. I was an overweight child and completely aware of it and when I hit puberty I went more into my shell. It is taking a lot of time to reverse the mental state of self-image.

sunnybeaches105

Julieash wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the advice.. First of all I do set the example because I run 45 minutes on the treadmill every day (or at least 5 times a week) and we do eat good at my house, problem is that the next week when she's at her dad's she'll eat cake and sit on her butt all day. I must say there's no sugar in my house and no junk food.

Now my daughter is a very smart girl, she doesn't move enough because she's always at the kitchen table doing her homework, she's always studying and she's going to a private school next year for high school so yes I do very much encourage her to keep in her books and I do tell her that her needing to take care of her weight is NOT about being pretty.. it's about her health.

And I do not 'force' her to get on the treadmill, last night when I got off she right away got on without me asking her, I told her I'll coach her and help her and we can be partners in this so she fast walked and jogged for a good 30 minutes and then she was full of energy the rest of the evening so I told her makes you feel really good

It sounds like you're making good progress. Be patient with her and yourself. None of us are perfect at raising kids and kids aren't perfect (regardless of what is said in these forums). Good luck!

Therealobi1

my 7 year old soon 8 year old daughter does swimming, athletics, gymnastics and most recently kick boxing. she absolutely loved kick boxing from the first session. she now cant wait to get her boxing gloves. i dont rely on PE at school so keep her busy with things she enjoys. it then doesnt feel like exercise. Athletics took a few tears and trantrums but thats because she hates the cool down and warm up. But she has kept at it.
Look at whats on offer local to you.

crispaholicshaz

May be you could both have an app that counts your steps, have a little competition between the 2 of u, if you have more steps at end of week she does few more chores, if she has more then u do anything she chooses, together...
(with in reason, of cause.) Ive down loaded Mapmywalk, app.... its great for seeing exactly how far u walk in 1 week.. Good luck. x

ninerbuff

Honest truth here is that she's eating too much. Whether exercise is involved or not, anyone eating more than they need will gain weight. Be the parent. If "junk" is a concern due to high calories, don't buy "junk". Kids aren't doing the grocery shopping.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

ninerbuff

Also realize that kids emulate their parents behavior. If you're not out and being active, there's likely the reason she's not either.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition