Killing My Binge Eating Monster
jahillegas_51
Posts: 143 Member
Six Methods to Kill My Binging Monster
“I can’t believe it,” I thought to myself. I had just left a family Christmas party and was not sick from binging nor did I feel the need to punish myself for eating cookies and drinking beer. At that moment, I closed my eyes and smiled realizing the massive journey that began in 2012.
In fall of 2012, as my days of playing high school football began to wind down, I sought to lose weight. I was always fat growing up, but I played offensive line so I accepted it and just lived my life. Once football ended, the desire to lose weight was much greater as there seemed to be no logical reason to keep it; plus I just started dating this gorgeous girl.
In the winter of 2012, things began just like everyone else who looks to lose weight. I started to lift weights and do cardio after school. I also began to watch my diet, even a single carrot was an improvement. As the weight loss progressed I became more obsessed with vanity in myself and my physique. The pendulum swing had begun, I went from being a kid who would eat every edible object in a room to someone who you thought was training for the Mr. Olympia.
The transition did not take place overnight, in fact it happened so slowly and gradually that I did not notice the self-centered monster I was creating. As I soaked up information online from bodybuilding sources, I learned about “clean” foods, meal prepping, cardio, and the works. As time progressed, I became more and more focused on my vanity and physique.
I was spending easily in upwards of 40 hours a week, a “full-time” job on my body and it was not because I enjoyed it, it was simply because I wanted abs. I was doing 30 minutes of fasted cardio every day, then I would lift weights 5-6 days a week followed by another 90 minutes of cardio, and lastly my caloric intake was 1800 calories (mind you I am 6’-0”). To make matters worse, when I did sneak a homemade cookie (deemed “unclean” food), I would just throw my hands in the air like, “Dang it James! You will never have those abs by eating this quote dirty food!” Thus since mentally I thought I wrecked all past progress, I would proceed to consume all the cookies, a box of sugar cereal, ransack the cupboards for any other source of sugar. Within minutes to an hour I would consume the caloric intake of a small village. The cycle would then proceed to be placed on repeat like your favorite new song, that never seems to escape your head, except this song lasted 3 long years….restrict, restrict, binge, restrict, restrict, restrict, binge.
I would then sit down, cry and sulk in my room, thus proceeding to punish myself for this bad behavior like a toddler who threw a toy at this brother. However, my body had no more to give, but I did not care….I WANTED ABS!!! So, I pushed myself harder and the world further away, more cardio even less food. Oh, and also James no going out with friends or eating at family parties because the food is not up to par for you and your abs.
This would repeat itself every weekend for several years with no end in sight. I tried IIFYM which morphed into If It Fits Your Mouth, I was scared that if I ate a reasonable amount of “normal” food I would blow up and all of my results (which was not much because my body was dead from the diet swings) would go away. I sought help and nothing seemed to work; was this ever going to end?!
Was there a special moment or turning point? No, just as slowly as it seemed to happen, it took me just as long to fix it and I am still not perfect….it is still a thought, but I have found several ways that began the transition and what I do now to conquer my inner-monster.
Keep It Simple Stupid
Love yourself. Simple right? Perhaps the worst thing about this cycle was I hated myself, I hated my life, I did not want to look in the mirror, I thought I was a failure that I would never make it, I contemplated suicide. When I would binge, I would punish myself. Don’t do that we are human, life is meant to be enjoyed. Life is much too short to never treat yourself to what you love to eat whatever that maybe for you. Again Keep It Simple Stupid. Look yourself in the mirror directly into your eyes saying “I LOVE myself” at least 10 times a day, if not more. P.S. try not to smile when you say this (harder than you think).
You can eat whatever you want just not all at once. I believe I heard Layne Norton say this, I believe this, like the 11th commandment, in fact it should be an amendment to the constitution. When I first began to escape cycle, I would eat one “treat” at every meal. Nothing crazy, but it will allow you still get your “fix” but you won’t binge on it. Any action in the right direction gave me more motivation and encouragement to keep in proving. The small wins kept snowballing into large victories later that slammed the door on binging.
Going along the line of K.I.S.S, I did this with my meal planning, no more crazy spreadsheets and tracking of nutrients line item by line item like an accountant. I did not worry about counting calories and the works. I would instead eat (3) meals, breakfast, lunch and supper possibly a snack if I was hungry. I would eat slowly, and as I began to feel fuller I would stop eating. My metabolism was so out of whack that the slightest improvement had drastic results.
180, 190, 160, 225, 200…what number was it going to be today I thought I as I closed my eyes scared to look down at the scale after a night of binging (these were all weights I reached during this cycle). I have weighed 160 and 210 within 7 weeks. You do not need a scale to help you. It’s about small wins, small wins, they add up trust me; I have been there too.
The left is me at 160lbs. at my lowest extreme, the right is me at 220lbs. my highest extreme. These two photos were taken less than 8 weeks apart.
So, what about eating at restaurants and parties? Parties were my kryptonite, the amount of food that I saw and I thought I had to eat three people’s worth of everything. What helped me to win at parties was I made this a game in my head (who cares no one else knows..plus now you know I did it). I am very competitive; I hate losing even if it’s go fish with a girlfriend (I will be a terrible father I will never let my kids win). Since eating slower and not getting seconds was a struggle at first. The game I created was to be the last one done eating, and the last one to get seconds. This helped me in many ways, first to help me eat slower I talked with people, this helped to repair the relationships I had damaged in the past, plus I was not over eating (win/win). Which is why I was last to get seconds, so often I would eat so quick that my stomach didn’t even know it was fed until I was already 4-5 plates of heaping food deep.
Train for fun! For so long in this process I trained for results no I do not mean goals; I simply worked out to look good that’s it! It was the complete wrong direction, it made training no fun, I dreaded every gym session, and was having a miserable time. It doesn’t matter if you are into bodybuilding, figure, physique, cross fit, powerlifting, strongman, marathons, etc. just train for fun, train to get better and challenge yourself. For me this was powerlifting.
I began to cry happy tears as I feel asleep. This journey was long and I learned many tough lessons along the way. I want you to learn from me, because those who do not learn from history are bound to repeat it. I ruined my relationship with friends, missed out on memories, lost a girlfriend, and almost my life. You are a winner you can do this, I believe in you.
[edited by MFP Moderator]
“I can’t believe it,” I thought to myself. I had just left a family Christmas party and was not sick from binging nor did I feel the need to punish myself for eating cookies and drinking beer. At that moment, I closed my eyes and smiled realizing the massive journey that began in 2012.
In fall of 2012, as my days of playing high school football began to wind down, I sought to lose weight. I was always fat growing up, but I played offensive line so I accepted it and just lived my life. Once football ended, the desire to lose weight was much greater as there seemed to be no logical reason to keep it; plus I just started dating this gorgeous girl.
In the winter of 2012, things began just like everyone else who looks to lose weight. I started to lift weights and do cardio after school. I also began to watch my diet, even a single carrot was an improvement. As the weight loss progressed I became more obsessed with vanity in myself and my physique. The pendulum swing had begun, I went from being a kid who would eat every edible object in a room to someone who you thought was training for the Mr. Olympia.
The transition did not take place overnight, in fact it happened so slowly and gradually that I did not notice the self-centered monster I was creating. As I soaked up information online from bodybuilding sources, I learned about “clean” foods, meal prepping, cardio, and the works. As time progressed, I became more and more focused on my vanity and physique.
I was spending easily in upwards of 40 hours a week, a “full-time” job on my body and it was not because I enjoyed it, it was simply because I wanted abs. I was doing 30 minutes of fasted cardio every day, then I would lift weights 5-6 days a week followed by another 90 minutes of cardio, and lastly my caloric intake was 1800 calories (mind you I am 6’-0”). To make matters worse, when I did sneak a homemade cookie (deemed “unclean” food), I would just throw my hands in the air like, “Dang it James! You will never have those abs by eating this quote dirty food!” Thus since mentally I thought I wrecked all past progress, I would proceed to consume all the cookies, a box of sugar cereal, ransack the cupboards for any other source of sugar. Within minutes to an hour I would consume the caloric intake of a small village. The cycle would then proceed to be placed on repeat like your favorite new song, that never seems to escape your head, except this song lasted 3 long years….restrict, restrict, binge, restrict, restrict, restrict, binge.
I would then sit down, cry and sulk in my room, thus proceeding to punish myself for this bad behavior like a toddler who threw a toy at this brother. However, my body had no more to give, but I did not care….I WANTED ABS!!! So, I pushed myself harder and the world further away, more cardio even less food. Oh, and also James no going out with friends or eating at family parties because the food is not up to par for you and your abs.
This would repeat itself every weekend for several years with no end in sight. I tried IIFYM which morphed into If It Fits Your Mouth, I was scared that if I ate a reasonable amount of “normal” food I would blow up and all of my results (which was not much because my body was dead from the diet swings) would go away. I sought help and nothing seemed to work; was this ever going to end?!
Was there a special moment or turning point? No, just as slowly as it seemed to happen, it took me just as long to fix it and I am still not perfect….it is still a thought, but I have found several ways that began the transition and what I do now to conquer my inner-monster.
Keep It Simple Stupid
Love yourself. Simple right? Perhaps the worst thing about this cycle was I hated myself, I hated my life, I did not want to look in the mirror, I thought I was a failure that I would never make it, I contemplated suicide. When I would binge, I would punish myself. Don’t do that we are human, life is meant to be enjoyed. Life is much too short to never treat yourself to what you love to eat whatever that maybe for you. Again Keep It Simple Stupid. Look yourself in the mirror directly into your eyes saying “I LOVE myself” at least 10 times a day, if not more. P.S. try not to smile when you say this (harder than you think).
You can eat whatever you want just not all at once. I believe I heard Layne Norton say this, I believe this, like the 11th commandment, in fact it should be an amendment to the constitution. When I first began to escape cycle, I would eat one “treat” at every meal. Nothing crazy, but it will allow you still get your “fix” but you won’t binge on it. Any action in the right direction gave me more motivation and encouragement to keep in proving. The small wins kept snowballing into large victories later that slammed the door on binging.
Going along the line of K.I.S.S, I did this with my meal planning, no more crazy spreadsheets and tracking of nutrients line item by line item like an accountant. I did not worry about counting calories and the works. I would instead eat (3) meals, breakfast, lunch and supper possibly a snack if I was hungry. I would eat slowly, and as I began to feel fuller I would stop eating. My metabolism was so out of whack that the slightest improvement had drastic results.
180, 190, 160, 225, 200…what number was it going to be today I thought I as I closed my eyes scared to look down at the scale after a night of binging (these were all weights I reached during this cycle). I have weighed 160 and 210 within 7 weeks. You do not need a scale to help you. It’s about small wins, small wins, they add up trust me; I have been there too.
The left is me at 160lbs. at my lowest extreme, the right is me at 220lbs. my highest extreme. These two photos were taken less than 8 weeks apart.
So, what about eating at restaurants and parties? Parties were my kryptonite, the amount of food that I saw and I thought I had to eat three people’s worth of everything. What helped me to win at parties was I made this a game in my head (who cares no one else knows..plus now you know I did it). I am very competitive; I hate losing even if it’s go fish with a girlfriend (I will be a terrible father I will never let my kids win). Since eating slower and not getting seconds was a struggle at first. The game I created was to be the last one done eating, and the last one to get seconds. This helped me in many ways, first to help me eat slower I talked with people, this helped to repair the relationships I had damaged in the past, plus I was not over eating (win/win). Which is why I was last to get seconds, so often I would eat so quick that my stomach didn’t even know it was fed until I was already 4-5 plates of heaping food deep.
Train for fun! For so long in this process I trained for results no I do not mean goals; I simply worked out to look good that’s it! It was the complete wrong direction, it made training no fun, I dreaded every gym session, and was having a miserable time. It doesn’t matter if you are into bodybuilding, figure, physique, cross fit, powerlifting, strongman, marathons, etc. just train for fun, train to get better and challenge yourself. For me this was powerlifting.
I began to cry happy tears as I feel asleep. This journey was long and I learned many tough lessons along the way. I want you to learn from me, because those who do not learn from history are bound to repeat it. I ruined my relationship with friends, missed out on memories, lost a girlfriend, and almost my life. You are a winner you can do this, I believe in you.
[edited by MFP Moderator]
15
Replies
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I wish all binge eaters would read this.
I have this problem and am still battling my demon. I am so happy you have overcome!1 -
What a great first post! Excellent advice.1
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This is a very inspiring post! Thank you for sharing. I also have a problem with binge eating and even have told my therapist who told me to "just chew gum" . This is a real disorder than can consume your life! I am at the heaviest I've ever been in my life. This posts helps me so much.1
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What got edited?1
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Hooray for you! Keep inspiring!2
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strong 1rd post
that's an awesome story, man. Thanks for sharing your journey and tips,1 -
Congrats! I'm still fighting the good fight. Reading brain over binge which has a fascinating perspective!0
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jahillegas_51 wrote: »
….restrict, restrict, binge, restrict, restrict, restrict, binge.
This is me right now, I'll go days, weeks, sometimes months without a binge, and then something little will set me off on a 3-4 day binge.
This struggle is real.
0 -
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jahillegas_51 wrote: »
….restrict, restrict, binge, restrict, restrict, restrict, binge.
This is me right now, I'll go days, weeks, sometimes months without a binge, and then something little will set me off on a 3-4 day binge.
This struggle is real.
Can I help you with this??
0 -
@gems74 @Mersie1 @jacklifts @Graceraeg @alltheweigh170 @ameyer1
Sorry all I forgot about this thread. Can I help any of you with anything? I know how much binge eating can be a bummer:/1 -
You're post sounds just like me. I've been a chronic binge eater and over thinker my whole life. Not a good combo at all. Lol When I try to get back on track, I tend to isolate myself so that I'm not tempted. But then my relationships suffer and I get lonely which makes me depressed so then I eat to comfort myself and gain back any weight I've lost. It's a viscous cycle. During my life I had recurring bouts with drugs (15 years clean now), bulimia, starvation to simply not giving a crap, and even ballooned up to 330 lbs at one point. I'm going to try some of the things that worked for you to try and break the cycle. Thank you so much for sharing your story!
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Thank you for sharing your story! I am trying my hardest to break free of my binge eating habits. It is so hard and a daily struggle.1
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It is a daily struggle, and appears to be one we are all fighting in our own special way. I tend to start a particular diet, WOE etc and make it about 3 or 4 days at the most. I then read about another way of eating, see some success stories and think, yes I'll start that one tomorrow. Then I just go in an all out binge eating whatever I can.
It makes me sick to think back on it. This is my version of a yo-yo diet. The struggle is real...0 -
nowornever0430 wrote: »Thank you for sharing your story! I am trying my hardest to break free of my binge eating habits. It is so hard and a daily struggle.
Hey I here you on that one. Habits are a bi***! Its easy to break habits when we are rested, life is going smooth and everything is falling in place for us. However, breaking those habits gets a lot tougher when life throws a curveball or something happens that was unexpected.
Its something that we all have to choose to make happen everyday! And yep, I am right there with you I still fall on my face at times...like last night:/ Just stand back up and keep fighting:)0 -
the_new_mark_2016 wrote: »It is a daily struggle, and appears to be one we are all fighting in our own special way. I tend to start a particular diet, WOE etc and make it about 3 or 4 days at the most. I then read about another way of eating, see some success stories and think, yes I'll start that one tomorrow. Then I just go in an all out binge eating whatever I can.
It makes me sick to think back on it. This is my version of a yo-yo diet. The struggle is real...
Wow!! You wouldn't believe how many times I said that too. Let me share something with you, just do it! You know that anger, frustration and pain you feel after a binge. Take that and use it to kill that demon holding you back from the life you want.
Just because you binged doesn't mean you failed. I hate using war as an analogy, because unlike soldiers my life is not on the line. Each binge is a battle, and when we binge the enemy won. You have to stand there and look that enemy in the eye. Tell it F*** You! You won the battle, but I will win the war.
Just make the choice to start now. You can do this, I am here to help you in whatever possible that would be most helpful to you:)0 -
Congrats!!! still struggling myself...very inspirational:)0
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I noticed you said you stopped tracking obsessively. Do you think there is a correlation between tracking calories and binge episodes? I notice when I'm NOT tracking calories I tend to not go all out into binges. Thanks for this post.0
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Congrats! I occasionally still binge but mostly under control now. How I managed to not put on weight and stay slim is a miracle! I must have ate bad for 2 years!0
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@SassyRN_77 Let me know if I can help you with anything, I understand the frustrations.0
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rainbowvenus wrote: »I noticed you said you stopped tracking obsessively. Do you think there is a correlation between tracking calories and binge episodes? I notice when I'm NOT tracking calories I tend to not go all out into binges. Thanks for this post.
I agree with your point of view. However, I would tweak it and say something more like. The more restrictive and obsessive we are in regards to our intake the more often binges tend to occur. For example, if you say no to oreos everyday, for weeks and months when offered. That one time you break down and have one, all those cravings come out at once.
You may have noticed this, because when this happened I was like F*** it I am eating them all, calories, macros, carbs do not matter. This does much more damage than eating 1 - 4 everyday. Its finding a balance between achieving goals and moderation.
Life is too short to deny yourself pleasure every once and a while.
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dannijordan30 wrote: »Congrats! I occasionally still binge but mostly under control now. How I managed to not put on weight and stay slim is a miracle! I must have ate bad for 2 years!
Hey let me know if I can help you in some way:)
Also, you said something that caught my eye... there is no such thing as good food, bad food. Placing labels on food, leads us to ban them from our intake. We say, “No, No, No, No, No…” We push for the perfect diet, once we eat this food that does not fall into this neat diet box; we throw our hands up, saying we failed so now is the time to eat everything we can. This leads to punishment. Which leads to more restrictions. This is the vicious cycle we as binge eaters face. I used to believe it myself, that there was clean food and bad food. It simply is this manifested idea. If you ask a vegan, he/she will say animal based foods are not clean. Someone who is a vegetarian will disagree, and say it is just animal products that are not clean. Then a paleo guy runs in screaming about how meat is clean, but grains aren’t. So someone has to be right? They are all wrong. Instead, adopt my grandmother’s wise old adage of “everything in moderation" better called IIFYM:))1 -
Thanks for sharing your story. Great to see that its possible to stop the cycle. Been struggling for many many years, and it really does take a toll on every aspect of your life. This gives me some hope that I can beat this too. Thanks again!0
This discussion has been closed.
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